Thinking

So, I was watching SNSD and the Dangerous Boys before this, and I'm here to post because there's this strange settling in my stomach, which occurs when something dawns upon me. I guess all of you who don't watch this show would think that this is yet another fangirl post, but hey, I don't fangirl here.

I don't even know why I'm explaining myself. But I'll leave that for another time.

Anyway, right now in episode 5, I can see the huge improvement in the boys as compared to before. It made me sad. Not for them obviously, but perhaps, for myself? And for everyone who hasn't had someone put so much effort into them before. Put effort, faith, encouragement, and whatever else.

Maybe my emotions are mistaken, because there should have been a few of these people in my life. But I've let them down, because I have a tendency to reject what's good for me.

I don't want to be honest. I don't want to say, I'm jealous of those boys, because I really am. If you ask me what my phobia is, I'd tell you I have none. Insects, maybe. But really..? I'm not afraid of failing, of dying, of heights, of ghosts, of this and that.

I'm afraid I'll become nothing.

Not necessarily achievement-wise. But to have a place in someone's life, I think that's all I want. Doesn't everyone, but they want more than that. It's nice when people understand, and then care. I'm just a little scared that no one can, because it's not written on my face, it's not portrayed in my actions, it's not described in my words; it's all in unspoken thoughts. To put it more accurately, I think I'm afraid I buried myself too deep inwards.

Who knows me?

Chanced upon.

I think the old me was a much better friend, even if the current me's happier. Pros and cons..?

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