Ignorant

Some pursuits are meaningless, but I don't know which yet. Or maybe I should be looking out for those which are meaningful, I dunno. I really don't know much about anything at all. 

Coming to life

I'm always reading multiple books at once, guess I'm fickle like that. An author I wanna talk about is Mitch Albom though, who always slips from my mind until I unknowingly make references to his books. His stories have never failed to enchant me and make me cry. I've read The Five People You Meet in Heaven (my personal fave and the first book I read by him), Tuesdays with Morrie, Have a Little Faith, For One More Day, and now I'm reading The First Phone Call from Heaven. These books are so easy to digest -- comprehension wise -- but profound, enlightening, inspiring and heartwarming encompassed in each of them. Now that it's Christmas season, talking about this seems apt, as all these stories revolve around faith, hope and love.

I like this quote from The First Phone Call from Heaven: "Joy and sorrow share the water." It strikes me as depicting how different emotions share a space, how they co-exist, how our tears could mean either or both. We, I, need to learn to embrace our emotions. I usually tell myself to keep them on a leash, but isn't it against our nature to tame our emotions? Why shouldn't I feel them at full force? Perhaps, after that, I'd be able to understand them better and truly gain control over my feelings. I guess this could be something I can try working on in the coming year. Test it out, see how it goes. 

Meanwhile, Merry Christmas everyone! Have a satisfying end to this year, and may God bless each and every one of us :)

Wanderer at heart

So quickly, a year or six have passed. They say there's two kinds of people in your past -- the ones you've loved and lost, and the ones you've loved and let go. Is it bad that nearly everyone in my past seem to've been let go? It seems to boil down to the kind of person I am inside. Am I a wanderer trying to stay? Should I try to plant my feet, or should I head out to see, hear, feel and learn? People want stability, and I seem to be lacking that. I'll learn slowly I guess, though I think this will always be a part of me. 

Hmm

Sometimes, for no reason at all, I feel a wave of sadness wash over me, starting from my heart, and it spreads through my chest. I really can't explain it -- it doesn't seem to be crippling, nor does it ruin my mood. To some extent, it gives me a sense of peace. I felt it during tuition just now, as I was looking at my tutee do his paper. It took me by surprise, though I didn't show anything. But I felt so aware of my surroundings suddenly. The sunlight, the temperature, the things around me, the feelings my tutee may possibly be feeling. And if I have to be honest, I quite like it. I guess it's because I know I really have no reason to be feeling that way. It helps me appreciate things even more.

-

"Family isn't always blood. It's the people in life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what."

Infinitely thankful for the friends in my life. Thank you God for these blessings :))))))

Milestones

Well, so, it was PMS after all. Being 21 is absolutely the same as being 20!!! (Ha ha still as dumb as ever ain't I)

Anyway. I'm happier, if anything has changed. Being pensive and shit is still part of me, but nowadays I feel like I have so many other things to do (in a good way), so many things to see, people to love, and while I'm still as broke as I was, now that's not my scarcest resource; it's now time, and I wish I could put every minute of it to good use.

Yeah, maybe life is going really well for me right now and I'll look back and scoff at this. But I want to write this down because in this moment, I truly believe being happy is just a matter of perspective. 

x

20.

Last few hours of being 20. Maybe it's PMS, maybe I'm too mentally exhausted, maybe I'm just being immature, but... I don't want to turn 21. I don't want time to fly so quick, I don't want to grow older, I don't want to become an adult, I don't want to stop being a child. I don't want to face the worries of real life. 

I have to, but I don't want to, so let me just whine and rant because it may be the last time I can do this without drawing a, "You're 21, you should know better," because I do know. I just don't think things will be better, although I have no choice. 

"And in the end, we were all just humans... drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness"

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Enthusiastic!

So hyped for fencing again. Just had our fencing elections today and I'm excited to see what the new Exco will bring to the table. New insights, new personalities, new dynamics. Of course, there'd be problems along the way and stuff, but I'm looking forward to see how issues will be handled and managed. Haha it's really so different when you're deeply invested in a club. This is the first time our elections have meant so much to me, because it truly is gonna affect me. Hopefully I'll be as involved as I can be in the coming year.

Novices, we're gonna clinch your medals. Damn straight. 

Stultifying

Something someone once told me that has stuck with me ever since, is that I tend to make myself feel worse than I should. Whether it's because I've brought belief to become action, it's true now. I find small reasons to make myself upset, and I wonder if it's to attract attention or what. We should tend towards happiness, instead of moping. A little mopeyness is fine but too much of anything sucks. And I think mine crosses the line all too often. Gosh. My mind needs to shut up. On the bright side, being aware of this is good, right? Awareness is the first step, just like what I've learnt in my communications classes. Although admittedly, it's only the first of many... Sigh. Optimist by day, pessimist by night. 

P/s. Running on caffeine, probably ranting inebriatedly.

Slow down

It's confusing. I'm becoming someone I don't want to be, a little like how I used to be. Temperamental, moody, jealous, rude. I need to go back to how I changed those -- by keeping quiet. I need to calm down and get a leash on my emotions. 

-

Late night thoughts:

Once you've had a taste of the best, you'll never just want better. Once you've experienced freedom, it'll linger in your skin, wafting from your hair, always a hidden ache for it in your soul. 

Emptying

If it's possible for a place to be emptier today than yesterday, as if 'empty' was a spectrum and not a standard, then I would describe my heart as such a place. I feel as if I'm retreating into myself yet again; my heart is stirred by external forces, but ultimately remains hollow and lacking intrinsic motivations. Do I know what I want, and if I do, do I feel this way because I can't have what I want? Or do I want so many things at once it's tearing my sanity apart?

Some nights I wonder about these, while most days I don't. I can't explain the feelings of sorrow I feel sometimes. They wash over me while I'm on the train, they wash over me when a sad song plays. They wash my happy thoughts away when they do, leaving the rawness of the remaining melancholy. Could it be because home is where the heart is, and it's a little broken right now? That could be a plausible explanation, but it won't be the only one. 

Power and security

Typed yesterday //

RT @loversdiction: "inseparable, adj.:  Everything is separable; it’s just a question of whether you can survive the separation."

I don't think there's a question to that, because you can. You may succumb to the ill feelings and the emptiness that you previously voided to allow something to occupy, you may think you're going to inevitably get swallowed up in a black hole that's your own being, but, nope. The heart keeps beating even when it's broken, because that's how humans are. We bruise and we hurt, but we recover, and even scars will fade. The days you thought you'd never survive eventually tide over, and in this big world with its endless beings (billions is perceptually endless relative to one, anyway), your heart will find a safe elsewhere to anchor even if you originally had no destination. Well, that's if, you don't choose to sail and wander with no purpose, no nothing, but lug the weight of your anchor towards the view of the horizon you'll never reach. Heartbreak is good for you if you're fighting it, not if you're wallowing in it. Our generation romanticizes pain and suffering, but maybe I'm just beginning to learn that the traditional values of loyalty and passive companionship are much more romantic and inherently good for one's well-being. Maybe I'm older now and prefer stability, but I just want my love to be slow and maybe addictive, not burning and later crashing. 

On another not completely unrelated note, I've reached a decision not to go on exchange overseas. True, I'm missing out with regards to what my peers will be experiencing. But referring back to my priorities, family is first, and while my heart yearns to travel, I think I'll be thankful I chose to put that off and to spend more time with my family, more specifically, my mom. It has always been a nagging worry to me that my parents are getting on in their years, and I think my future self will look back and be happy I invested my time in the people whom I will one day miss, instead of the self I'll always be in. 

Now or never

My life works partly on a guideline of priorities. I must say I put thought in this sentence: using the words "partly", "guideline" and "priorities". Firstly, one rule doesn't dictate my whole life. Some situations I look to this guideline, others are intuitive. Secondly, it's a guideline because my priorities aren't hard and fast rules to follow by, but just a rank of things which when given a choice assuming desperate situations, I would choose to keep. On days when my emotions are too strong to facilitate rational thought, my priorities actually help me decide better. 

My decision making is based a lot on weighing the options to the best of my knowledge. I agree with those people who say that many of us these days merely wait until it is a "right time" to make a decision, when in fact, all we've done is to wait until there was only one option left. In that case, the decision was already made by time, not by us. I would rather risk making a decision that could be right, than wait for a decision that could be wrong. And of course the contrary could be true, but I'm comparing the best and worst scenarios to emphasize the difference between deciding and waiting. 

Burst of the bubble

Manz, recent weeks have been spectacular.

Taiwan fencing trip was an experience I couldn't have asked more out of. The happiness I got out of the trip with its sights and company was very real. It reignited my passion and motivations in a way I've never imagined. I guess I do run on emotions after all, despite being a person who thinks so much and prides myself on being rational. My intrinsic motivation is still my heart it seems.

So. I came back with a desire, almost an ache, to improve. Not just in fencing, but in my schooling and conduct. Things I used to overlook, like tardiness, became bad habits I wanted to overcome and defeat. I honestly started appreciating the effort of putting my heart into things. Training was fun firstly because of the people, and even more so because of this previously unfelt energy that I finally managed to tap into. I was hyped to do well in Novices. I wouldn't say I put immense pressure or high expectations on myself, but I knew that when I was there, I would do my best and enjoy everything.

Losing terribly after a whole string of great matches was depressing, but not crushing. It made me want to train even harder, and it made me yearn to achieve something great in the following weekend's team event. Well, shit tends to happen when you're on a roll for too long. One unexpected fall, trippin' over with swaGger (jk, I actually fell flat on the ground and unglamly rolled around in pain) and now I'm unfit for exercise due to pulled hamstrings and a swollen knee. How the hell did that happen, I was questioning. And I kinda felt like everything was wasted at first, but later I realized that it was the pain getting to my head. 

Talking to the teammates I count on so much was a good source of positivity. I realized that even if I couldn't be strong for myself, I had to be strong for them. Sounds cheesy, but I can't put it any other way because that's the truth. We all hold a stake in our team expectations, and no one's gonna be happy that anyone's injured. And no one's going to feel much better unless the injured person starts feeling so. So, I picked myself up, I got my shit together. I still have so much ahead of me, if I just focus on becoming better than I am each day. I was reading I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, and I felt so heartened by this line her grandmother said while berating a man whose wife had just passed away: "...have faith. He never gives us more than we can bear."

Amen to that. This will only make me stronger. Pain is weakness leaving the body. Next Novices, I'll be better than this. :)

Thank you Lord for all the invaluable experiences <3

-

“It is not the strongest or the most intelligent who will survive but those who can best manage change.” 

-

Only if you could see the bright side,
Of waking up and being alone
If only you could see the future,
It's all yours now 

'cause I know I'll be higher without you now,
Keeping up a life somehow
Oh you'll be lighter without me girl,
Feeling alright somehow 

'cause I know I'll be higher,
Without you
Higher,
On my own

Distraction

I'm easily distracted. Even when I wanted to type this post, I got distracted a few times and I had to recall what I wanted to do initially each time. This sucks, because I can't multitask either. I can only do one thing at once, and if I'm so easily distracted, it means I'm not focusing. However, I wonder if there's the possibility that everything I'm trying to do is an additional task, and what I mainly focus on is thinking, and more specifically, thinking about my feelings. I wanted to study Psychology to learn more about thoughts and feelings, but sad to say, Intro Psych was not much help before I got distracted and chose to major in Sociology instead.

I had a dream last night (or today morning) where I was so happy and grateful for what I had. And I woke up. It felt awful and emptying. It made me wonder what I really wanted in life. I've always been thinking if I was content with what I have and the direction I'm heading, of which some days I'm convinced I am, yet other days, I feel like I deserve so much more. 

Today started off with feeling like I could have so much more. Of course, anyone could have so much more if they tried, but if it was as easy as it was straightforward, everyone would be happy. And if there's anything I've gathered from my schooling and from my personal experiences, it's that humans want what they can't have -- although humans are also inconsistent, so it's not the case for anything and everything. For me, it's mainly for one thing in my life. Some days I'm convinced I don't want it, and again, other days like today I was convinced, mainly by the emotions I felt in my dream, that if there's anything I want in the world, this would be it. Though it's not really possible because I don't even want to talk about it. 

It wouldn't be that bad since it's just a dream, and everyone has dreams. Rather, it's terrible because it distracts me. If my brain waves were an entity, the resulting severity of these distractions attacking my brain waves would be "comatose-level", because when I zone out for a while I process nothing of what I'm doing, then I wake up wondering what I was doing, and it's like being in a coma and waking up from it. 

I keep allowing myself to think about it though, because thinking is the most I can get from it. It's the most I allow myself to get from it. Dreaming was a luxury I can't control, so thoughts will do, and I might just bring these thoughts to my grave. 

Thorn

Every now and then a bitter part of me surfaces. It's hard to let things go, so I overcome that by forgetting them instead. Unfortunately triggers come up occasionally and they remind me of all the bad feelings I had before.

I've come to truly accept that many people are liars. Well yeah, not all, but enough to hurt. It's still such a dilemma whether I should choose to trust and risk being hurt, or hide away safely behind walls. I used to lie a lot to protect myself in the past. But I never meant to hurt anyone in that process. Growing up, I even learnt a little of how it feels like to make some worthy sacrifices for the benefit of others. White lies... I think I can honestly say that they're all I've made after I grew up and wisened up. Sadly, the lies I've seen from others of late have been more of dark grey. Protecting themselves at the expense of someone else. Fuck man, I am such a coward for keeping it all in. But confrontations are just not for me since all I'd do is cry and be swayed with enough persuasion. Soft hearts need walls. I guess I'll also need to accept that I'll never be one to bare my heart like one of those straightforward people out there. And to all those who have lied, I hope you're happy with your damn noble decision.

-

I tried to tell my brain to shut up, when I realized it wasn't my brain -- it was my heart. That, I can't stop. Sigh.. I feel like I've just gotten off the teacup ride in the amusement park and my vision is turning upside down. I kinda think I need to lie down for a bit and just let it run its course. 

Compilation of Traveling Diaries

As the title suggests, this will be my compilation post for my daily entries for the 13-day trip I'm taking in Cambodia and Vietnam ^^

They'll load really slowly because of the photos~

Day One // It begins here

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/5e79392c-d241-4071-8848-12f5b09815ef/bcaa16e88fbab8575b8ab70e170bdfff

Day Two // What awaits?

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/0946fa7e-c26b-4776-8244-a5f1511b9b38/646085465e90d1771f98eb7cd62d6cf7

Day Three // Soul-searching

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/feb1bfcd-04c8-47ee-8269-77c2d70697ca/d7cbfccd8272ef9754b8003227a136d0

Day Four // Up and down

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/92c58049-2e6a-416b-94bf-def2ddef1c36/069a63e21432648485587554356edabf

Day Five // Missing home

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/b4d16ad1-2b09-4180-bc42-e8eae53f8a2b/8d66b601e69bb572637a20633fb98c80

Day Six // Happiness doesn't drop from the sky

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/1ce0b788-4803-4bb5-b931-a53542345a5e/bae82c4a1d0abb95f0446c0a204f9de0

Day Seven // Missing this for sure

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/f37fd895-86f3-463b-b866-5cc4adb274b6/c99eb4fc47a776bfa178e6f252d7302e

Day Eight // Fleeting

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/5936c46f-c037-4c23-94bd-5c5effa1b770/87e031b5679be973eaffa104f9bd0f53

Day Nine // Hyped!

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/e651469e-5af5-4695-91d7-b51860e44bdc/d798f824aaef824271b7c90b0904bb4d

Day Ten // Still waters

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/3e264e44-f873-4c3c-a8c0-25066a11b55a/82a77db725368163d3360c192113add2

Day Eleven // Divide

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/6b13b7a4-4a6d-4a37-831f-44099cf7913c/71c7e29ef98e28937199e412bf8e51b3

Day Twelve // Tryhard

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/8f9f00e6-a373-4a81-be33-07370c3356bb/7da8c56f0faffe5aa5abf8c5c5a0b3f8

{ to be edited/formatted }

"This is my curse but also my blessing: That my heart wanders to places where my body can’t follow, and that my mind dreams of heights that I will never reach.”

e.s.

Blame it on fear

We're not a lot of things.

I'm not mean, though I'm not very kind either I believe. I sometimes try to be (both of these, if you're only thinking 'kind') but it's hard to go all out. Maybe I'm brainwashed by Divergent, and more specifically, the narrations in the heads of Tris and Four, but, as I went through their thoughts, I couldn't help but agree a lot on fear.

Fear shapes many of our actions and behaviors. Somehow I'd think that fear is a tool for all of us, albeit one that's hard to control. Fear can empower and push us, but fear can paralyze and impede us. It can sometimes be an excuse, and other times a secret. 

There were people who used to tell me I was strong and brave, in those moments where we revealed heartfelt thoughts about one another. But I never accepted them; I always believed that fear was intrinsic and I couldn't be anything despite them.

Ends up, people really become what they believe. From my viewpoint now, I wish I'd taken up those opinions as my own. Because as it ends up, fear has spread in me, although not in the kind of way that roots you to the floor in danger. Rather, it has creeped into my thoughts and beliefs in a way that poisons slowly, ridding me with doubt, apprehension, and self-preservation. I'm not the person I once was before, certainly not that worthy of encouraging words like those anymore. Today, fear is a poison, and I'm becoming numb and passive to what and who I care about, much to my detriment.

Will change come, or must I change despite fear? I probably won't stop believing how fear is inborn though, so if anything, I'll have to change with fear. It'll always be part of who we are; to take a leaf out of Divergent, like Tris and Four always say:

Be brave. 

I hope I'll be. I hope I can be. After all, hope, too, is a tool like fear. 

x

How do we cope?

Typed on April 4th //

The world is full of people. And that makes it all the more ironic how there are so many lonely people, how we isolate one another, how we sometimes choose to turn away from another living, feeling being's emotions. 

One human is only so much. Yet one human could be everything to another, or take everything from another. Some of us live blind to the pain of others, some of us live blinded by the pain we suffer. That's how able and yet crippled we are in every breath we take. Everyone deserves to be loved, but who has the heart to love everyone? It hurts me to think that I can't do that even though I know I want to and even though I'm conscious of that. 

It hurts me to think about how many people need help in this world but will never receive it. It just hurts right now, in this night, and it's dramatic but it brings tears and I wish I could do something to make it all okay. 

And I'm more than aware of the fact that when I wake up tomorrow morning, I'll again be numb and blind so as to preserve my sanity. And I'll believe that we can't focus on the negativity forever. But right now, it hurts a little, and perhaps, now, a little less.

We can't change the whole world, but we could start with changing the world for one person. 

Build or break

As we build our walls, laying brick by boring brick, we contemplate leaving doors, windows, even just a peephole, to remember how the outside seems to be.

To leave that leeway is to allow entrance to within. To even care about what's outside, it suggests that though the candle inside of our hearts may be flickering, but it's not out yet. As social creatures we yearn everyday to keep the warmth in our hearts. As me, I wonder every day what to measure my life by: accomplishments, or love?

We could all be quick to jump to judgment, and essentially I know life needs no measure. But when dilemmas are placed in your life, often we, or maybe just I, wish there was an easier way to rationally decide. 

I could build my wall to climb, or break my walls to reach. Either way, I risk losing some bit of myself. 

Breathless

Really tired right now. The past days I've been burying myself in work, seeking relaxation in small doses of joy now and then. But I can't sleep right now. Had a relaxed Saturday night for the first time in a long while, but as I lay in bed, trying to solely concentrate on breathing evenly, I couldn't.

Why are people so damned complicated? We should all have a "let it be, let's be happy" attitude in social relationships. Let go of grudges and stubborn opinions. Embrace differences and enjoy understanding.

It's not easy, but it certainly isn't any more difficult then being upset about shit all the time. No big deal, man.

Emptiness

Wow. I didn't even realize it's been over three months since my last post. I could probably take it as a good sign of not having anything depressing to blog about (well, I did disclaim that I only blog when I'm down) but I know for sure that it's not the case. So I'm not sure why. Perhaps I'm censoring my thoughts more than before. Funny realizing now how I used to always obsess over writing a flaw-free blog post; I forgot during this void how much I love writing. It's good that it's gradually returning though! It's a healthy way for me to get over my emotions, which can be overwhelming at times. Recently I've been feeling like the smaller person, when I always used to believe I could forgive and forget and let go and simply make the best out of situations. I hope what used to be comes back to me. I've been so so petty, so sensitive, so damn shallow for too long a while already. It's time I got over things and learnt and moved on. Hopefully those values I treasure will return then. For me to be wiser, better, bigger-hearted. 

24 days late but definitely not too late for resolutions. May I learn better and move on in this new year. :) I was genuinely going to blog about some negative feelings I was having, but as the words spilled out, I gradually realized how cryptic that usually ends up. So, I rather I reflect. Better than uselessly moping for sure.

/edit: lmao look at how the title and content are a mismatch, very aptly so.