We're not a lot of things.
I'm not mean, though I'm not very kind either I believe. I sometimes try to be (both of these, if you're only thinking 'kind') but it's hard to go all out. Maybe I'm brainwashed by Divergent, and more specifically, the narrations in the heads of Tris and Four, but, as I went through their thoughts, I couldn't help but agree a lot on fear.
Fear shapes many of our actions and behaviors. Somehow I'd think that fear is a tool for all of us, albeit one that's hard to control. Fear can empower and push us, but fear can paralyze and impede us. It can sometimes be an excuse, and other times a secret.
There were people who used to tell me I was strong and brave, in those moments where we revealed heartfelt thoughts about one another. But I never accepted them; I always believed that fear was intrinsic and I couldn't be anything despite them.
Ends up, people really become what they believe. From my viewpoint now, I wish I'd taken up those opinions as my own. Because as it ends up, fear has spread in me, although not in the kind of way that roots you to the floor in danger. Rather, it has creeped into my thoughts and beliefs in a way that poisons slowly, ridding me with doubt, apprehension, and self-preservation. I'm not the person I once was before, certainly not that worthy of encouraging words like those anymore. Today, fear is a poison, and I'm becoming numb and passive to what and who I care about, much to my detriment.
Will change come, or must I change despite fear? I probably won't stop believing how fear is inborn though, so if anything, I'll have to change with fear. It'll always be part of who we are; to take a leaf out of Divergent, like Tris and Four always say:
Be brave.
I hope I'll be. I hope I can be. After all, hope, too, is a tool like fear.
x
