Now or never

My life works partly on a guideline of priorities. I must say I put thought in this sentence: using the words "partly", "guideline" and "priorities". Firstly, one rule doesn't dictate my whole life. Some situations I look to this guideline, others are intuitive. Secondly, it's a guideline because my priorities aren't hard and fast rules to follow by, but just a rank of things which when given a choice assuming desperate situations, I would choose to keep. On days when my emotions are too strong to facilitate rational thought, my priorities actually help me decide better. 

My decision making is based a lot on weighing the options to the best of my knowledge. I agree with those people who say that many of us these days merely wait until it is a "right time" to make a decision, when in fact, all we've done is to wait until there was only one option left. In that case, the decision was already made by time, not by us. I would rather risk making a decision that could be right, than wait for a decision that could be wrong. And of course the contrary could be true, but I'm comparing the best and worst scenarios to emphasize the difference between deciding and waiting. 

Burst of the bubble

Manz, recent weeks have been spectacular.

Taiwan fencing trip was an experience I couldn't have asked more out of. The happiness I got out of the trip with its sights and company was very real. It reignited my passion and motivations in a way I've never imagined. I guess I do run on emotions after all, despite being a person who thinks so much and prides myself on being rational. My intrinsic motivation is still my heart it seems.

So. I came back with a desire, almost an ache, to improve. Not just in fencing, but in my schooling and conduct. Things I used to overlook, like tardiness, became bad habits I wanted to overcome and defeat. I honestly started appreciating the effort of putting my heart into things. Training was fun firstly because of the people, and even more so because of this previously unfelt energy that I finally managed to tap into. I was hyped to do well in Novices. I wouldn't say I put immense pressure or high expectations on myself, but I knew that when I was there, I would do my best and enjoy everything.

Losing terribly after a whole string of great matches was depressing, but not crushing. It made me want to train even harder, and it made me yearn to achieve something great in the following weekend's team event. Well, shit tends to happen when you're on a roll for too long. One unexpected fall, trippin' over with swaGger (jk, I actually fell flat on the ground and unglamly rolled around in pain) and now I'm unfit for exercise due to pulled hamstrings and a swollen knee. How the hell did that happen, I was questioning. And I kinda felt like everything was wasted at first, but later I realized that it was the pain getting to my head. 

Talking to the teammates I count on so much was a good source of positivity. I realized that even if I couldn't be strong for myself, I had to be strong for them. Sounds cheesy, but I can't put it any other way because that's the truth. We all hold a stake in our team expectations, and no one's gonna be happy that anyone's injured. And no one's going to feel much better unless the injured person starts feeling so. So, I picked myself up, I got my shit together. I still have so much ahead of me, if I just focus on becoming better than I am each day. I was reading I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, and I felt so heartened by this line her grandmother said while berating a man whose wife had just passed away: "...have faith. He never gives us more than we can bear."

Amen to that. This will only make me stronger. Pain is weakness leaving the body. Next Novices, I'll be better than this. :)

Thank you Lord for all the invaluable experiences <3

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“It is not the strongest or the most intelligent who will survive but those who can best manage change.” 

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Only if you could see the bright side,
Of waking up and being alone
If only you could see the future,
It's all yours now 

'cause I know I'll be higher without you now,
Keeping up a life somehow
Oh you'll be lighter without me girl,
Feeling alright somehow 

'cause I know I'll be higher,
Without you
Higher,
On my own