"And in the end, we were all just humans... drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness"

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Enthusiastic!

So hyped for fencing again. Just had our fencing elections today and I'm excited to see what the new Exco will bring to the table. New insights, new personalities, new dynamics. Of course, there'd be problems along the way and stuff, but I'm looking forward to see how issues will be handled and managed. Haha it's really so different when you're deeply invested in a club. This is the first time our elections have meant so much to me, because it truly is gonna affect me. Hopefully I'll be as involved as I can be in the coming year.

Novices, we're gonna clinch your medals. Damn straight. 

Stultifying

Something someone once told me that has stuck with me ever since, is that I tend to make myself feel worse than I should. Whether it's because I've brought belief to become action, it's true now. I find small reasons to make myself upset, and I wonder if it's to attract attention or what. We should tend towards happiness, instead of moping. A little mopeyness is fine but too much of anything sucks. And I think mine crosses the line all too often. Gosh. My mind needs to shut up. On the bright side, being aware of this is good, right? Awareness is the first step, just like what I've learnt in my communications classes. Although admittedly, it's only the first of many... Sigh. Optimist by day, pessimist by night. 

P/s. Running on caffeine, probably ranting inebriatedly.

Slow down

It's confusing. I'm becoming someone I don't want to be, a little like how I used to be. Temperamental, moody, jealous, rude. I need to go back to how I changed those -- by keeping quiet. I need to calm down and get a leash on my emotions. 

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Late night thoughts:

Once you've had a taste of the best, you'll never just want better. Once you've experienced freedom, it'll linger in your skin, wafting from your hair, always a hidden ache for it in your soul. 

Emptying

If it's possible for a place to be emptier today than yesterday, as if 'empty' was a spectrum and not a standard, then I would describe my heart as such a place. I feel as if I'm retreating into myself yet again; my heart is stirred by external forces, but ultimately remains hollow and lacking intrinsic motivations. Do I know what I want, and if I do, do I feel this way because I can't have what I want? Or do I want so many things at once it's tearing my sanity apart?

Some nights I wonder about these, while most days I don't. I can't explain the feelings of sorrow I feel sometimes. They wash over me while I'm on the train, they wash over me when a sad song plays. They wash my happy thoughts away when they do, leaving the rawness of the remaining melancholy. Could it be because home is where the heart is, and it's a little broken right now? That could be a plausible explanation, but it won't be the only one.