Europe

Whatever may come, it'll be an eye-opening and enriching experience :)

xxx TBC

damned

a dam. i've always felt this barrier between the front half and back half of my head. it's a dumb barrier -- it doesn't keep murky water back without keeping clean water back. it doesn't leak just clean water without also letting some murky water go. and in the withholding, murky and clean mix, but murky will always pollute the clean, first, anyway. 

a laugh as easily breaks into tears, and happy thoughts mix with the bad just as water does. but behind a dam, no one sees, no one cares. no one wants a flood, nor does anyone worry until the dam cracks. the dam becomes a wall, and no one remembers consciously the water laying behind.

Self-victimization

Usually, talking about things provide no solution, but the act itself brings some liberation of the pent-up emotions inside. I hope this does the trick for me.

It's easy to succumb to your darker feelings sometimes. Feeling bitter, lonely, frustrated, annoyed... They're easy to allow in, and they take over you like an infestation. What's scary about these feelings is that if you were never to speak of them, and if you're great at putting a smile on your face, no one would ever know. And it embroils into a vicious cycle where you become increasingly alienated from speaking of them because honestly, who cares?

Well, turns out, most people do. But when I'm sickened, it doesn't help that I know.

God. I can't deny that God is the one I can always turn to. But when I'm feeling more human than anything, it overwhelms me to think of spirituality. I just need some human comfort, and that is in very, very, very very low supply.

I'm taking an emotional retreat. I'm just going to close my eyes whenever I feel bitter, and pretend to be blind to my feelings, because most people are. I can't blame anyone but myself for that, and so "self-victimization" is apt -- I'm both the victim and perpetrator.