Multiplier effect

edit: Ah, originally posted sometime in July 2015, but I accidentally reverted it as a draft and had to republish it. Date isn't accurate.

Sick. Uneasy. These feelings have been plaguing me for a few days now. At first I thought it was the low from having physically and mentally exhausted myself over two plus days, but I got enough rest for me to second guess that. I guess we can't always explain feelings at the first instance, but when events that are remotely negative start following soon after, it's easy to pin the unease down as a premonition to the following events. Crazy. Confirmation bias.

Anyway. I've been on edge ever since Monday. After getting a full day of uneasy rest, I went to work on Tuesday (where I was jumpy and irritated), and finally felt a little more restful on Wednesday, until at night when I visited my uncle in the hospital. Seeing his condition unnerved me. I'm not sure whether it's that I usually find him welcoming me so enthusiastically when I visit his house, forcing me to have a soft drink and finish the snacks on the table, that this time, conditioning led my senses to expect the same but to be sorely let down. I don't want to describe the state he was in because it hurts to recall it. But I'm confused. Disturbed. Experience has taught me that it's "sad" and "worrying". But this feeling in me, I can't pin it down as that. It's... A sort of autopilot. I definitely am functioning just like any other day. Still joking, still texting, still daydreaming. But some layer of me is detached. It's as if I would look back on today and remember only this layer and nothing of what I've done. That layer feels like a sort of gloom, makes it feel colder today, makes it harder to smile, makes every effort more tiring to exert.

And it's not just this. Things have been going wrong today, everyday things that usually I may have taken in stride, but today the poison feels xxxx times more potent. It's crazy, but it almost feels like it's not the first of many days that I've gotten a headache from putting up a front.

It's like my flesh is alive but my soul is dead. Or dying. God, help me. I don't even know this feeling I feel...

Small joys

I thought I heard them at first, but as I saw the cars driving over the uneven roads, I presumed that I'd thought too much of it. 

It wasn't until I saw red sparkles reflected in the windows of a high rise building that I audibly gasped. Fireworks! So... Today marks the start of the NDP rehearsals. While I don't care much for the parade, I  quite treasure the fireworks display (as do I during New Year celebrations). 

I remember hiding behind the wall and covering my ears when we used to be able to see fireworks from our bedroom. I never liked the booms and claps of the explosives, only peeking every once in a while at the neon colours and patterns until they were enveloped in smoke.

And then the NDP moved away from the Indoor Stadium to Marina Bay (or was it the Padang first???) and I was left with the booms and claps. They started to mean much more to me, standing in for the sparkles I could no longer see, and in later years, symbolizing a childhood memory I now miss.

There are times when we get mistaken about things, but that's really only sometimes. We just need to look harder and more often than not, we'd find out that our intuition's actually quite accurate. Though we may not understand what's going on immediately, but intuition's in the heart, and to me, that's all that matters.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5 NKJV)