hi. i thought it was a year and a half since i last wrote something on this blog. i came on here again because i discussed with E and we thought it would be good for me to pick up writing again, since i enjoy it and it’s an outlet for my emotions. maybe if any of you chance upon here, it’s fine too if you wanna read because i’m just going to practice opening my mind up here.
so. emotions have been too much to handle — i thought 2018 was bad, but in 2019 it got worse. now it’s 2020 and i can’t remember how i used to feel years ago when emotions weren’t so difficult to manage. or maybe my emotions are just scaling with age and if you put the current me in 18y/o me’s shoes, i wouldn’t bat an eye to the things i was going through.
i was saying i thought it was a year and a half since i last wrote. turns out it wasn’t, because sometime in march 2019 i came here to write how i felt like living was worse than death, but that i had to pretend i didn’t feel any of that. and because i had to pretend, i didn’t click on ‘publish’. i guess i should have known things in my head weren’t well at that point, but then again self-awareness isn’t really easy when you’re trying to act like what you’re not.
then i found myself wanting to die all too often. it honestly wasn’t alien to me... i felt the same way in JC when i felt stress and defeat and helplessness. i felt the same way when i experienced heartbreak and loss back when i was younger. i felt the same way when torturing myself over my romantic preferences. but those seemed rational; i was going through tough amounts of negative emotions after all. and every time i got through it. what’s to say i wouldn’t this time?
difference was, it got too often and too unjustifiable and it was no longer just about me, it mattered to E too. so off to a doctor i went, and after a long two sessions of sharing my emotions and experiences i was diagnosed with a case of double depression in september 2019. to explain it kinda simply, it meant that for years i’ve been going about my life with an invisible rain cloud over my head (high functioning depression) and then one day, i started a descent into a dark pit (major depression). i know i’m supposed to be writing, but i think we’re not always able to come up with the best explanations for ourselves and describe it as well all the time. and this article does a decent job of describing how high functioning depression (aka dysthymia) feels even without the major depression, so here you go: https://www.healthline.com/health/what-you-should-know-high-functioning-depression#8
i hope life can get better. i really do. and it has gotten better, ever since i sought professional help and took medicine and opened up to the people around me. and i do realize how people around me would have never ever knew if i never told them. i guess what i’m saying is that if you have these feelings too, honestly it takes a mix of everything to get better. you can’t just rely on yourself. even if you just rely on friends or family it might not be enough, because they’re not professional equipped to help. that’s not to say going to a doctor is enough. you still need awareness and support from those around you. and you need time. i need time. lots of it. i hope we can all be okay.
