bloat

what are principles? the morals we uphold ourselves to, for better or worse? the standards we try to maintain, buckling under the weight of expectations? the boundaries we draw, a thin line we dance before?

i thought i was upright. i thought i would be happy sticking to my principles, because at the end of the day, who i have to live up to is myself. but since when did i start holding those around me to my own standards, especially the people i love the most? why am i always asking for more, and disappointed when they can’t deliver? if i can, why can’t they? what is this moral high horse i’ve gotten on that’s carried me away, more and more distant from those around me, from my emotions, from my humanity?

am i pretentious? the ladder to nowhere i’ve climbed up - look at me, aren’t i good? - while everyone happily continues with their lives on the ground. 

2025

this new year i resolve to nag less. not because i care less - i care equally if not more, but i put this burden of care on the recipient when i nag, when i remind. this makes them less of a person and more of a prisoner, constantly under my surveillance of a watchful eye. 

independence is a valued trait but to stand on your own also means to be on your own. it is a lonely being. and i find myself choosing this because i can’t live with myself otherwise. i don’t want to be dependent, to be a burden, to shamelessly ask for things i’m fully capable of doing myself.

i hate it when other people do it too. so i should stop being a hypocrite and stop nagging, when i believe people should be capable or at least try to become capable of taking care of themselves.

if they can, everyone is happy. if they can’t, the burden is for the people who cares to bear. could we have done more? should we have done more? should i have reminded them?

no. this year i’ll try not to overthink and we’ll see how it goes.