Empathy

I feel so much like crying tonight.

Nope, when I'm sad, it doesn't necessarily mean something's up about me. How do I put it?
You know, when you watch movies and shows, you'll usually feel for the people inside right? Like, cry when they break up, be ecstatic when they get together, kinda thing. What more, when it's happening to people around you? Not only one. And not only ordinary friends.

You've been with them every step, first to the last, beginning to the end. Yeah, I said end. And like a sequel to a novel, the shadows of the past are still weaved into the stories of now. Even more unfortunately, the past casts a shadow much bigger than itself, and I can feel all the repercussions now.

Does anyone understand what I am saying, or am I saying nothing at all again?

But anyway, today my heart broke twice. Depression is like the trend now. All I want, Lord, is for all my friends to be happy again. It's as simple as it sounds.

.cisuM

I think, I might wanna be a scriptwriter in future. ;) Like something related with film.

Anyway, went out today! For once, I didn't have to meet people to study. Neither did I have to stay home to do PW. Haha being without burdens is a good feeling! Today I went out to slack/chill/lepak talk and play! (: AWESOME MUCH.

Quiz time.
Instructions: You need your MP3 to answer some questions, and nothing for the others.
Your 5 all time favourite songs?
Uh.. 5 not enough. 10 can? HAHA.
1 Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
2 Hero/Heroine - Boys Like Girls
3 Dusk and Summer - Dashboard Confessional
4 6 Months - Hey Monday
5 It Ends Tonight - AAR
6 Here (In Your Arms) - Hello Goodbye
7 收藏 - 萧敬腾
8 Shout Unto God - Hillsong
9 Only One - Yellowcard
10 Best I've Ever Had - Vertical Horizon

A song which you like..
The front? Freedom Is Here - Hillsong
The chorus? Run - Snow Patrol
The end? Uhm I honestly don't know.

A song stuck in your mind nowadays?
Love The Way You Lie - Rihanna ft. Eminem, and Umbrella Beach - Owl City!

A song with special significance to you?
Pictures Of You - The Last Goodnight

What language do you prefer?
For songs? Hmm english.

Favourite singer/band?
Used to be OneRepublic. Now.. Boys Like Girls, Paramore? Yup!

No. of songs in your mp3?
285.

The most played song?
Hahaha no idea leh.

Your newest song?
Quite a few I think.. DJ Got Us Falling In Love - Usher ft. Pitbull.

Preferred genre?
Alternative rock, emo-rock/pop? Hahaha.

Put your music list on shuffle and list the first 5 songs you get.
1 Hallelujah - Paramore
2 Come In With The Rain - Taylor Swift
3 Face Down - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
4 Club Can't Handle Me - Flo Rida ft. David Guetta (I LIKE THIS SONG!!!)
5 We the Redeemed - Hillsong

A song recommended by a friend?
(Chekwei) Don't Want An Ending - Sam Tsui

Lastly, a song you'd recommend?
Any one of those I've mentioned! (:

Take heart (:

On this day of your life, Zhiqing, we believe God wants you to know ... that all is well.
What could you not accept, if you but knew that everything that happens, all events, past, present, and to come, are gently planned by One Whose only purpose is your good?

(:

Chasing the fireworks.

我能想像　远方的路旁　有一双目光
外套右边肩膀上　还留着　一点伤
有时能爱到过往　回头看　为什麽会退让
或许人们都一样　越受伤　越健忘
追寻烟火的路上　或流浪　或碰撞　还要闯

我能想像　在远方的路旁　会有一双目光
是否一样　都带着昨天的伤　试图想要遗忘
我能想像　对爱情的信仰　注定得忙了又忙
我的眼眶　如果有悲伤　那是我过程中的收藏

手指敲在琴键上　那情绪有点down 喔
人影交错的广场　或悲伤　或失望　却不放

我能想像　在远方的路旁　会有一双目光
是否一样　都带着昨天的伤　试图想要遗忘
我能想像　对爱情的信仰　注定得忙了又忙
我的眼眶　如果有悲伤　那是我过程中的收藏
躺一躺　看月光　在经过那些离散是否一样都坚强

我能想像　在远方的路旁　会有一双目光
是否一样　都带着昨天的伤　试图想要遗忘
我能想像　对爱情的信仰　注定得忙了又忙
我的眼眶　如果有悲伤　那是我过程中的收藏
躺一躺　看月光　在经过那些离散是否一样都坚强

我收藏　我的泪　你的光

Maybe we're trying, trying too hard

I was thinking about this a few days ago. Sometimes, in TV shows, there's this typical storyline. There's a loving couple, then suddenly one of them gets into another relationship and cheats on the other. And then he/she gets found out, he/she regrets, and claims how much he/she actually loves the other and it was all just a rash mistake.

It got me thinking, if you honestly love someone, how would you bear to hurt him/her? Yeah, we are all humans.. Maybe I need to understand this. But I just can't. Why do people tend to always think of themselves first? Why can't we be more rational when we need to? I'm not saying that I can be, of course.

And it linked to my family. I thought about how I really believe my second brother loves my mom a lot a lot. But cause of his horrible temper, he always raises his voice at her uncontrollably and, my mom ends up getting hurt. And it happened today morning, cause of me. This was what happened:

Yesterday night, I was really tired so I gave up waiting for my brother to bring the laptop home for me to do PW. I set my alarm to 6am to wake up and do since I assumed he'd be home by then. Then I slept.
Then, I woke up at 6am, and my mom told me, (in chinese) "Your brother's not even home yet, do what do?" and so I was like, "Oh nevermind then." and I went back to sleep. Around a while later, I heard a commotion from the living room, and it was my mom quarrelling with my bro who just reached home. My mom was scolding him about how I couldn't get to do my work cause he didn't come home the whole night. And she complained about how he always stayed out overnight etc etc. The quarrel was getting harsh, and they came into the room.
Before long, it escalated to other things: How his table was so messy, how come we bought the other laptop when we couldn't use it for work, how come he always raised his voice at her, etc etc.
But my bro answered all (albeit in a super loud and fierce tone). To the staying out overnight, this time was because he was celebrating his friend's birthday. And honestly, it was my fault for assuming he would come home and not informing him that I needed the laptop. To the table being messy, it was cause now is his exam period and when he's at home, he's always studying, so he has no time to clear the mess. About the other laptop, me and my bro explained a million times already but she just doesn't understand. The ONLY problem with the comp is that it doesn't have Microsoft Office, and the OTHER functions are all better than the one with MicOffice. We bought the com so that my bro could use the lousier one for his uni studies, and I could use the better one at home for like everything else. But she doesn't understand. And she demanded we buy MicOffice for the better com. The reason why we don't want to, is cause it's expensive, and we both know I only need it like for a couple more weeks for PW. And not like the family's finances are stable. We just want to save money for her.. So my brother, in a fit of anger, replied: (in chinese) "If you're so good, then you go buy la! I will not buy it no matter what!" and that got my mom crying. She said something that pierced my heart so badly, and I guess, this time, it's my bro's fault for saying something so harsh.. "Yes, I am not good at anything, I cannot do anything, you are the most able, you can even talk to me this way!"

And all the way, I could only lie there frozen, unable to say/do anything. I could only cry silently.

Me and my bro love my mom so much, we both know that. But my mom doesn't think we do.. If so, what's the use of us loving her? She never understands our intentions and she never realizes the little things we do for her. We don't tell her cause we think it's only right that we do.

The countless times we've rejected dates and chose to come home to eat with her.
When we take a long detour just to buy nice food for her to eat even though we're so tired ourselves.
When I don't go to church so that I can accompany her at home.
When my brother has to empty his wallet just to cab to his church so he has time to have breakfast with her.
When she takes our hard-saved, hard-earned money without returning and we keep quiet.
- To this, there was once I saved money to go overseas with my friends. And cause of this, I couldn't.. So I told my friends I didn't save money at all. And they went without me, even having a FREAKING good time.
When she scolds us because she's in a bad mood, and we shut up even when we did nothing wrong.
When I always speak to her in a really nice tone when I know there are other people who scream at their parents.

But she doesn't understand the stress we go through, when school and friends are just troubling us so badly, or when we just want to rest, we can't help but raise our voices at whoever talks to us.

I wish she knew, I wish she knew everything. But she doesn't.
Are we still counted as loving her..?

Songs on repeat

Run - Snow Patrol
The Saltwater Room - Owl City

<3

Nostalgia

I guess I do cherish memories a lot.

On saturday when I went swimming with my brother, I saw the usual shop that every single public pool has, selling sticks of fishballs, nuggets etc. And I remembered how in primary school, my mom would bring me for swimming lessons every saturday and waiting for me when I came up from the water, would be a stick of those. And my smiling mom.

Just now when I read this litespeed notice, it was posted by someone called Mrs Liang. And I was reminded of this kind and friendly teacher back in AHS, called Mrs Liang. She's a super nice person and she remembers you even if you're not her student. How many JC teachers now are like that? (Oh right, we can't expect them to know when there are hundreds of us in a lecture huh) I miss secondary school. ):

In future, when I look back, I hope I'll have memories worth treasuring and recalling. Not those of friends, but of the school.

Judgmental

I don't know.
I'm lost.

I don't know why my mom is broke.
When she just struck 4D (again).

I don't know why my mom had to borrow $20 from me.
She lost everything?

I don't know why my brother doesn't even have $100 to lend to my mom.
And my sis-in-law's facebook says she's still blogshopping.

I don't know why I'm stuck in so many predicaments.
When I didn't do anything.

I don't know why my friends are unhappy.
And they don't wanna tell me.

I don't know why I'm unhappy.
When nothing, nothing at all, started with me.

Thought for another day

I think I seriously can't face up to my conscience. Why do I keep torturing myself? I feel horrible when I'm trying to accomodate to everyone, and yet when I just try to desensitize myself, I feel too guilty.

I'm totally beyond cure.
Oh, right. I suddenly remembered what I thought before going to JC:
"I'm not going to get any close friends, no. I will just stay in my own world and be happy. I'll just focus on my own dreams and travel my journey alone. If I don't get any friends, I won't hurt anyone, and I'll stay unhurt. Everyone will be happier this way.."
I can't believe I forgot this. I feel like such a bitch nowadays.
我总是觉得我对不起自己的朋友。到底，这正不正常?

Everybody has issues. I guess I'm no different.

Hmm

Facebook app:
On this day of your life, Zhiqing, we believe God wants you to know ... that it's time you let go.
Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest. 

Love isn't a short-risk investment

Promos are finally overrr! Hmm, but I'm not sure cause of what reason, but I feel lost. Maybe right now, I just feel like I don't have any direction, and I don't like slacking around just waiting for time to pass. Argh, sucks.

Anyway, to do list!
[x] play bowling
[x] sing kbox
[x] watch koizora
[x] play floorball
[ ] play badminton
[ ] finish whale rider and return to vivien haha
[x] go swimming
[ ] fly kite
[ ] ice-skating
[ ] run with no end in mind
[ ] help the less fortunate
[ ] go shopping
[ ] watch movie
[ ] go cycling
[ ] go overseas
[ ] play bishi bashi
[ ] go back AHS and play softball
[ ] buy a new backpack
[ ] go church!
[ ] read Bible

And one last one, an impt one, that can never be finished: Catching up with friends!

Hahaha but. I still think I'll feel lost. What is this.

Stigma

Sunday night:
I was blow-drying my hair today. My mom offers to do it for me, so I let her. She just arrived back in Singapore in the afternoon, and she's tired. She patiently does it layer by layer, cause she understands how frustrated I get by those random strands which stick up. But me, I watch the minute hand of the clock on the wall pass the 45 mark. Then 50. 55. 0. I panic. Tomorrow's the start of my promotional examinations, and I have to go study. I NEED to study. Finally I say, "不用那么直的啦!" Then she explains with a gentle tone, "没有,这样弄才可以--" and before she can even finish her sentence she's interrupted: "我已经没有时间了!", I blurt out rashly. Silence. Tense and awkward atmosphere. The guilt creeps into me. My mom's not young anymore, how much more time does she even have? And she's willing to spend it doing MY hair for me. And me? I have a long journey ahead and plenty of time, but this time is reserved for friends, CCA, and now studies. And I start wondering, ....even if one day I excel in my studies, or be it in life, will she still be there to see it?
Most importantly, will I be filled with regrets, if she isn't.



//Kk end of that post. Hahaha. Had GP paper yesterday, econs CS today. Won't talk about them cause I don't wanna wallow over previous mistakes alrd. Yay! Chem 2, math, ELL, chem 1 and econs essay left. Hope is still around, waiting for me to GRAB it. I shall go sleep now, I needa fight my battle tomorrow! (Victory has already been promised and confirmed but stilll, fighting with faith gives it an extra something ;ppp) Yup, I shall stay rooted in God so that winds and typhoons and tornadoes and tsunamis and volcanic eruptions are unable to move me and all just become peanuts and easy-peasy....... Wait, what are those again? Haha too insignificant to remember alrd. Tsk. Goodnight! One more week. ((:

Love the way you lie

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn

Well that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight
High off her love, drunk from my hate, it's like I'm huffin' paint
And I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates me, she fuckin' hates me
And I love it, "wait, where you goin'?"
"I'm leavin' you," "no you ain't come back"
We're runnin' right back, here we go again
So insane, cause when it's goin' good it's goin' great
I'm Superman with the wind in his back, she's Lois Lane
But when it's bad it's awful, I feel so ashamed I snap
Whose that dude? I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

[Chorus]

You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
When you with em you meet and neither one of you even know what hit em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills used to get em
Now you're getting fuckin' sick of lookin' at em
You swore you'd never hit em, never do nothin' to hurt em
Now you're in each other's face spewin' venom in your words when you spit em
You push pull each other's hair
Scratch pop hit em throw em down pin em
So lost in the moments when you're in em
It's the face that's the culprit, controls you both
So they say it's best to go your seperate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records playin' over
But you promised her next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game, but you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane

[Chorus]

Now I know we said things, did things, that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is, you're the same as me
When it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby please come back, it wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up the bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk?
Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time there won't be no next time
I apologize even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games I just want her back
I know I'm a liar if she ever tries to fuckin' leave again
I'ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire


/ Just can't get this song outta my head.

Sama-sama!

1 day left to promos! I just spent 2 hours playing pre-loaded computer games (the lame kind) with my bro, and I didn't study at all. But nevermind, tomorrow chiong! Haha, but the games were seriously a joke. We played Chicken Invaders, Smileyland and Piggly. HAHA ALL SOUND FREAKING LAME RIGHT.

Okay first we played Chicken Invaders! The description was: Save the world from chickens! And then the Start menu, I couldn't find the Play option so I lagged by one second, and then my bro said: "Save the world". Laugh out loud! The options were like:

SAVE THE WORLD

HIGH SCORES

SETTINGS

QUIT

Cannot blame me lah! Tsk, ok then Smileyland was something like the Bejeweled kind of games. As for Piggly, it was the best lol! We played this the longest. You play as a pig, which tries to collect and bring apples back home for your little pigs. The game developers are like quite meticulous about the details, I have to say! For example, at a part of the game, the scenery had a rainbow. Scenery as in like yknow, in the case of Maplestory, would be the trees and bushes and sometimes 'contactable' ones like the crates and treeholes? Yup! In the game there was a rainbow leading to the ground AND THEN, there was a pot of gold. COOL LA! (In case you don't know why I'm so amused it's cause we always say 'the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow') My bro didn't even notice its existence till I told him! It's like purely there for decoration, so I was pretty impressed and intrigued. Another thing was, remember the pig had little pigs? Haha there were THREE! (note: Three Little Pigs, get it?) Freakingggg cute game! Oh in one stage there were hedgehogs, and one funny thing we laughed our heads over was that if you rolled your apples at the hedgehogs (we weren't supposed to, but we decided to experiment), it would get stuck on it. So we rolled like ten apples at them and still, they got stuck. So we saw like, hedgehog-apple-trees running around. Cute ttm! And of course many other things happened but I just don't remember. (:

As for yesterday (or rather, two days ago), it was Children's Day! Hehehe Happy belated Children's Day everyone :D My Children's Day present from God was a 'newfound' friend. HAHA okay lah not new, but NEWFOUND cause we truly understood and found out about each other for the first time. And that's Vivienlimjingni! (: There's so much between us that is in common and I'm really surprised (pleasantly surprised HAHA) that things can be sososo similar. I guess that explains why we're of the same frequency very often too! Hmm, in future, we may also discover many differences, but hey you, you Chia neopet cum Pokemon, let's still remember the similarities we share (which I honestly think we won't find anyone else MORE similar alrd) and that 'Communication is important' HAHA! Anything can be talked out in future, don't you forget this okay! I anticipate that there's a lot more to come for us, may be good, may be bad. Stay close, my twin in fate! Make it through promos together, we will. (: Love you loadssss! Jiayou too (:

This must be the first happy post on this blog, amazing. (:

God is good (Y) Goodnight world!

Clairvoyant

Hello hello hello I need a break from studying, so I'm here now. Hahaha. (:

Feeling better from yesterday, sleeping really does the trick. Cause like I said on my twitter, when I wake up, it's a brand new day again, and I feel heartened. On top of that, I decided that I should stop fretting. My rationale:

We all make right and wrong decisions in life. What matters the most is that at the moment of decision, you honestly felt that you would still be able to face up to your conscience and also to God, so that you wouldn't regret anything.

Hahaha I'm a philosophical freak I swear. Well, who knows what would happen in the future, so it's not your fault if things crop up eventually. I'm no clairvoyant. Oh yeah, another thing. I kinda realize that my blog is realllly torturous to read, as compared to many others. All the emotional pourouts. But not that I care, cause it's MY blog and it's up to me what to write about. I don't mind if no one reads it, cause it's not like people don't like talking to me in real life. Tsk! My blog's like my diary so I'll post whatever I want. 

Hahaha, back to studying soon. Considering giving up on chem. Just a thought though. We'll see how things go. (: Jiayou for promos, everyone!

Hopeless & helpless, Weaknesses & grievances

Facades. Fake. Complicated. Selfishness. All screwed up. And you can put the blame on me.
God, I'm following what you tell me about doing what's good and right, without expecting any returns. Maybe I didn't even expect negative returns either, that's why I'm destroying me myself I body mind soul spirit all in my own bare hands now.

I will blame it all on me.

Sympathy/empathy

Reading Twitter and blogs alone (note: I didn't even look at Facebook), I saw a whole bunch of people who're all screwed up already. Why is JC such an asshole, seriously. People are pulling their hair out over promos, and PW has to multiply that burden. And then there's the stress on you from parents and even everyone around you to do well, the pool of expectations we all drown in.

Argh. I'm so glad my EoM and WR are settled. But my promos.... I've wasted the past 4 days. 11 days left.. How much less disciplined can I get.. )':

Summary of the past few days:
Useful stuff I've done:
A little of every subject maybe

Useless stuff I've done:
Sleep
Watch tv
Sms
Tweet
Youtube
Bloghop
Fold stuff
... countless

I'm always procrastinating, distracted, and forever unable to finish my work, what the hell is wrong with me. Where did my sense of self-discipline go?
Oh, wait.

It was never there.

Release

It's good to talk to someone and just let it all out, cause holding back isn't healthy. Fly stress, fly!

Torn, dejection.

I'm just a regular teenager. I have my problems. In school, I'm already struggling to keep myself from breaking down, and when I reach home, all you do is find every tiny reason to scream at me. Which child doesn't yearn to be loved? You think that you're the only person breaking under the stress but have you realized I haved equally tough issues to face? Meeting up to expectations alone, is a heavy burden. How many nights has it been that my heavy eyelids have just ended up being a migraine, a pounding on my head? I don't mean to neglect you but I'm just working hard so that I don't please you now and end up disappointing you later.

//edit
Too overwhelmed by stress. Sorry mommy. ): I'll be good. You won't see this, but. I hope I can keep buying tauhuay for you every night, all the way till I'm an adult.

Screwed up

They always said to let go of the past and move on. But today I realised:

I let go of everything in the past, the bad parts, and even the good parts.

My friends.