Rain rain

Nope, not in a particularly depressed or melancholic mood right now. But I was thinking, I don't even need someone who can accept my flaws. I don't need that type of consolation cause I think it leads to stagnation. I just wish, I had someone who knew me better than I know myself.

Breathe

Just because I don't show things, doesn't mean I don't feel them.


I seem to have locked myself up again. I don't know if this description is apt enough, but I'll stick with it. I feel sick, I feel alienated. I really don't want to let anyone know how I feel. I can smile every day, and the next, and the ones after that, and continue my life like that. But do I really? I don't know.

Recently, I've known people who have gone to the school counsellor to talk. I know people who've talked to Ms Hazel (she's as good as one, her kind heart makes her so). I thought about whether I wanted to do that too, but then again, something just holds me back. Either that or, I'm just waiting for someone to reach out first. But there are so many things I wanna hide, so many things I wanna forget, and so many things I want to get over. I can't tell anyone. I don't know.

I can't express myself well. I think too much. I'm afraid that showing my emotions too easily makes me vulnerable, I have no faith in people. Or rather, I'm insecure regarding matters of the heart.

Some part of me wishes I could spill it all out, maybe that's why I'm distracted. My ELL teacher Mrs Lee said that I'm a very distracted person. But why? How? What do I do? I have no idea. I know a lot of things about this world, I'm confident of that. But I know nearly nothing about myself.

/edit: Though I say things in a joking manner, but I mean them. I mean it when I say; one who's alone need not be lonely, yet one who's within a crowd may be.

"If you'd just learn to broaden your sight, you'll see so many things you're missing out on right now. It doesn't help if glimpse to the side every once in a while, because one day you'll find that the other things you used to had will end up gone and you wouldn't even have realized it."

What Faith Can Do - Kutless

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

Aporia

I find it uncomfortable when people are real nice to me. Of course, I do want people to be, lol I don't have self-torturing tendencies. I somehow think it's just that, I feel undeserving. I can't return the same amount people give to me, I disappoint people all the time. Well, I don't know. I like to love a lot, but to be loved is burdening.

At this rate I'm never going to get married in future ;~; dasnfjsabasfjkfnvajfnmkcjfsh.

Er. Crazy. Trololololooool.

Nostalgiaaaa

Was checking out the soundtracks for Transformers just now cause I saw a few links on Youtube, and I ended up listening to a few of Linkin Park's old songs. Man, I really haven't realized that I like most of their songs, especially the classics, like Numb, Faint, Crawling, Papercut, and for the more recent ones, What I've Done and Shadow of the Day. Lol I'm secretly a rocker, so secretly that this secret shocked myself ._. Hahaha lame.

But ah, got reminded of how a few months back (maybe really really few), Numb was a song that made my heart hurt everytime I thought about it. The lyrics are really fitting.. Hmm the fact that I'm bringing this up so nonchalantly probably suggests that I've accepted it already, but I guess it'll always be a stigma hidden somewhere within me lol. Just like my rockerrrrrrr persona, hahahaha.

Numb - Linkin Park

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me,
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)

Underpromotion and overprovidence

Kay, here's the thing I typed in my phone. Gonna be a long one..

***

160611

My brother is one person I've appreciated coversing with very much. There are others of course, but him, I've to mention, because he's after all 7 years my senior, and has a multitude wider of a range of life experiences than me. I'm thankful for that, 'cause whenever I talk to him, I'm able to broaden my perspectives a lot and gain an increased insight on life. Today we went out to study together, and although I ended up talking to him (not chatting, but kind of like, discussing in depth), I don't find it a waste of time at all, because I've learnt so much from it.

Hmm, how should I put this? Today was definitely one of the most productive discussions we've had together (note: 1. For me, at least. 2. Not saying our other discussions were mediocre lol.) and wow, what I've realized today is probably gonna be a contributing reason for my fulfilling life in future (if I do tend to have one, that is). Haha and so I'm kinda in the mood to write this entry novel style, and I don't freaking care if anyone finds it fake/crazy/mental, it's my friggin blog and I do what I like. Deal with it. Hah.

So, we sat down in Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf at Bras Basah after a long walk in the sweltering heat, and I ordered some Cookies and Cream drink I've been lamenting not buying ever since the last time I was at the Farrer Park CBTL just because I couldn't find it on the menu boards. Our discussion started after I complained about how I regretted not buying the venti for a mere 50cents more as compared to the regular size I got. And so he broke it down for me logically, saying how I might have instead regretted not buying the regular if I bought the venti and found it too much, and how if only they had the insight to price it at 7.90 instead of 8bucks, many more people (including myself and him, we admit) would've been enticed into buying the venti instead, gaining them (CBTL) a 40cent increase in revenue rather than a 10cent loss per cup. Then we moved on to saying how from an economical perspective, I would've gained more from buying the venti since it's of more value, and I went on to suggest that from a health perspective, I actually gain (or rather, lose, hahhhh) from buying the regular because I avoided the unnecessary extra sugar intake.

Yeah then our discussion stretched and expanded a lot, into a span of a few hours which I strongly believe, if recorded, would've been ample material for a book. LOL like those on self-improvement yknow. Haha I totally wish I could reproduce everything here, but it's just too much to, in both the sense that there's too much in terms of quantity to type and also that I should be spending this time for studying instead, if I consider opportunity cost.

I wanted to blog about this, kinda cause I wanted to remind myself of this conversation and NOT ever forget about its content. Seriously, today I was mind-blown, no exaggeration. We toppled over certain beliefs I had in life (for the better) and I literally had this weight on my brain (which is still present now, 2hours later) from the realization of it all. I just wanna say that I've been naive my whole life and that I am stupid, I am. I'll be changing that though, so I hope I'm gonna start becoming an increasingly better person to myself. Keywords: 'to myself'. I'm not going to raise anyone's expectations of me because I'm not gonna make any promises to provide that, so hahaha sorry.

Pointers to myself, and to anyone who can amazingly comprehend the crypticness of them:

1. Underpromotion and overprovidence

2. Knowledge VS. Utility

3. 'Bitterness before sweetness'

4. Decisions and calculated risks

5. Amplified effects of short-term consistent decisions in the long run

6. Talent VS. Those without it

7. Nature or Nurture

***

Okay my gad, that was one long hell of a rant. I suddenly feel like a fool again because there are certain parts I don't remember in the blog post. Zzzzzz. Especially among the 'Pointers'. Ah whatever. Anyway just a heads up, I typed this entry in my phone the night of the discussion, but I couldn't get it to send so I had to retype it here manually.

On a reflective level, though, I'm pretty sure that day's talk has settled itself and it's somewhere in my mind now, subtly playing a part in my thought processes and whatnot.

And double my gad, I think this is the most boring post I have ever written. I can't believe I actually had the urge over the past few days to immediately go to Kinokuniya or Times or whatever when A's end to buy a self-improvement book. The urge just died and got banished to hell lol O___O If you ever see me with one, though, I go against myself all the time. So yep. Bye.

P/s. I haven't slept for 42 hours! Exciting. Shall try to drag it to 44 (not just so it's 44, but cause I really have things to do lol) and then knock out. Yay night!

-

I wish I was a better daughter.
A daughter who even if she didn't have any achievements they could be proud of, but at least made them happy and treated them as who they deserved to be at the very least -- people who mattered.
Not like me.

Tears of laughter

Wow I've a lot to post this time. I'm blogging now 'cause I wanna recount what happened while I was on the way home just now, while the other thing I wanna blog is an entry I typed into my phone, which unfortunately zzzzz cannot be posted using mobile Blogger for I-don't-know-what-reason. So yea, shall type it out later.

For now, just a light-hearted entry, heh. ^^

Just now, I went to Macs with my childhood friend (who lives 5 floors below me in the same block). As we were on our way back, I spotted that the moon was real pretty, it was bright and clear, so I told her to look. She was astonished by its beauty (uh well, 'astonished' in her own way, lol she exclaimed "Walau spotlight lor that one!"), so she insisted that she took a photo of it. I was then jokingly bickering with her about how it's never possible to take a nice photo of the moon, and yet she continued to take her phone out, so I took a look at her screen and I laughed, saying "Eh you take photo of a spotlight for what!" 'cause it was just an orb on the screen LOL.

So we continued walking, and we talked about some stuff (I seriously can't remember what suddenly, it was funny too though) and she kept spraying water on the floor with her Nike bottle (the second gen design). I told her, "Stop using your thermometer to spray here spray there la!" and she looked at me with a perturbed look, like O.o-what-chu-talking kinda look, and then she suddenly burst out in laughter and this time it was my turn to give her the look lol. She was like "Not bad, funny funny!!!" and then she made some motions with her hands to simulate the action of putting a thermometer into her ear. Turns out that she's never heard anyone refer to it as a thermometer before, nor thought of it herself. Haha woah seriously different social networks man, different schools probably have different jokes circulating around.

Tsk so while we were crossing the canal/drain/river, I was trying to find the reflection of the moon in the water. I have to mention that it was already past midnight while we were on our way, so the place was deserted and dark. Finally I found it and I was signalling for her to just make a small out-of-the-way detour to where I was standing, and again she wanted to take a photo of it. She was contemplating doing it when all of a sudden I thought of something and I dragged her away, bursting out in laughter at the same time. I told her, in between spurts of laughter, "Later your photo got one hand inside sia," and I even added a demonstration of it LOL -.- The joke about this is 'cause the drain at my house is the one where recently a 15-year-old Indonesian boy slipped in and drowned, and the exact stretch we were along was where they found the body, so yeah. To be honest, I was scared, but I found it funny at the same time, that's why I dragged her a small distance before saying it out. She laughed too when I said it, and then she murmured to me that it's actually quite creepy because we were the only two people there. I laughed harder and told her that I too was shocked by my own random thought-cum-joke, and we just kept laughing (by now our backs were facing the river because we crossed it already) so I said, "-hahahahha-Eh keep-hahahaha-laughing-hahahaha-then we won't be-hahahaha-scared-hahaha-". Thankfully this made us continue laughing, and we managed to get away from there 'safely' LOL.

She then mentioned this korean variety show which I asked her to watch, in which the guests tried to spot the 'spiritual beings' inside short video clips supposedly found from the internet. She was saying that the videos were too freaky since she was watching the show at night, so much so she decided to stop watching. I commented that I didn't find them scary cause I was firstly, unbelieving of the validity of the videos, and secondly, more intrigued with trying to spot possible appearances of the ghost, not to mention I was laughing my head off at the guests/hosts of the show (Koreans are awesome entertainers I swear). She then replied that she still felt scared cause they seemed pretty real, plus it's not easy to psycho oneself into not believing so. At this moment, she suddenly seemed to get a shock from something, then she pointed behind us, explaining, "Aiyo omg that cat just lie there, scare me," and I broke out in laughter again cause she was obviously thinking too much due to our supernatural-themed talk. After I collected myself, I looked to where she had pointed to earlier and I could see no cat, so I backtracked a little to get a clearer view. Noticing my actions, she panicked. "Thereeee it's on the car! Eh don't scare me hor, don't tell me only I can see it!!!" and I just gave a small chuckle in response cause I was focusing on trying to spot the position of said cat which had surprised her earlier. My eyes glanced over the hoods of the cars, then between the cars, and under them, but I could see no cat! Just as I was really nearing the cars, I spotted a white and orange cat sprawled over the front portion of the first car and I immediately exploded in laughter upon realization. My friend laughed simultaneously in the very next instant, scolding me "A big fat cat like that also cannot see" and we both laughed so freaking hard I teared.

By then we were reaching the lift, and our laughter subsided, and she said that we'd do well on variety shows lolol. I wanted to tell her that we probably would be the only two laughing at our jokes but thanks to my horrible habit of laughing before I make a joke, she made a guess at what I was going to say, thinking that it was some other joke we laughed about a few days back regarding variety shows, so I got a hold on myself and told her what I really wanted to say, and she laughed, saying that she made the guess cause we almost always repeat and laugh at the same few jokes when we're together. And yeah, by then we already reached her floor and we said bye, with her mentioning that we also always abrubtly cut off our conversations when we reach her floor.

Ahahaha yup, so that totally made my day (or night) and I'm thankful for having a friend I grew up with such that it's so comfortable to hang out together.
Tsk this is one long hell of a post manz, hehe. It shall serve to remind me of this good time I've had, even if it's just a short one. Alright, off to bathe now! I smell of fries ._. Goodbye, ciao, annyeonggggg! Hope it was a good read~ Merci beaucoup (:

-

"I cried so much when we won first for 'Into the New World,' and the rookie award at the yearly music awards, but these tears that I had were different from the tears I had when I was tired ..."
- Kim Taeyeon

/edit: Found this in my drafts from weeks/months ago. Okay, shall publish it.

Days and days of angst

Another day of feeling horrible. I don't get why humans are such ...idiots. I'm one, too. I know, to say that humans are idiots would be akin to calling God an idiot since He made us in His image, but no, I don't mean it that way. 'cause seriously, most of us can't think and act like He does.

God, how do You even manage to love us for how we are? I find it so hard to love some people sometimes (love in the generic sense), to ignore what they do and what their actions do (or don't do) to me. And, do humans always only learn how to treasure only after they've experienced loss? Because apparently, I don't think I've learnt. Sure, I've learnt how to treasure the certain things I've lost, but no, I can't say the same for what I haven't lost (before) yet.

That's what's wrong with me. I always know the problem, but my knowledge rarely gives me control over my feelings.

Yesterday night, I reached home at 12AM after studying at Macs. I even continued until 1AM so that I finished a proper part of the chapter. (Note, it was math, so coming from me it's like woah.) Yet when I went to sleep, I got insomnia. I was so freaking tired.. But I just couldn't, after lying there till 2plus.. So I woke up,watched a few videos, and attempted to sleep around 3+, and my mom had to wake up and accuse me of sleeping so late when it's not like I even wanted to. But I kept it in, since I considered that she didn't know. And okay, I overslept today when I wanted to wake at 7 to study, and then I ended up using the com for hours after I woke. I felt guilty, so I quickly made myself pack my materials to go to Macs again after dinner. Yet, she had to say something like, 'You like that, one day also at most study 2hrs'. Like, what? Seriously? I've been clocking HOURS upon HOURS for the past DAYS and just 'cause of ONE day today (which btw, I was feeling terrible about wasting ALREADY), you make one remark to screw my mood upside down, downside up. You must've been wondering why I didn't say a single word, or even laugh at bro's grossly horrible joke 'bout getting a one night stand tonight so you can have another grandchild other than Jo'en to play with, but honestly, that's how bad you made me feel.

Yet I can't believe how despite that, I actually felt bad for POSSIBLY making you feel upset with my silent treatment. I don't know why, I work so hard for you, to make you proud of me, for that one smile on your face to surface during the few times in my life I've achieved something worthy to mention. I'm sure you don't know all these, otherwise you would've known how much effect small comments from you could have on me.

I don't know if one day I'll give up trying for you, because personally, I don't feel a need to be somebody. If I do, please find it in your heart to forgive me, and perhaps, understand me for once.

/Sorry, emotional breakdown.

Significance?

It's 2AM in the morning and I can't sleep. I'm sick, I'm tired, and I can't sleep, how ironic. I got so fed up tossing around in my bed that I decided to wake up and use the comp, that's why I'm here now, blogging.

I'm not sure, maybe it's cause there're too many thoughts running through my mind? Right now, I'm in a really depressed mood. Another one of those times when I feel miserable due to a mix of reasons.. My insomnia's definitely a major source for this current one.

There's a million things I'm thinking about now but I can't put my finger on any one of them enough to type them out. Ughhhhhhhhhh.

I wanna cry but there aren't any tears to shed. I wanna sleep so bad but I can't. I want to scream and be heard. I wanna breathe and remember how the fresh air in the morning smells like. I wanna help people over and over again and feel like it's going to make the world a better place. I wanna... ah I want to do so many things.

I'm going a tad bit mentally unbalanced.

If

만약에 내가 간다면 내가 다가간다면
넌 어떻게 생각할까 용기낼수 없고
만약에 니가 간다면 니가 떠나간다면
널 어떻게 보내야할지 자꾸 겁이 나는걸

내가 바보같아서 바라볼 수 밖에만 없는 건 아마도
외면할지도 모를 니 마음과 또 그래서 더 멀어질 사이가 될까봐
정말 바보 같아서 사랑한다 하지 못하는건 아마도
만남 뒤에 기다리는 아픔에 슬픈 나날들이 두려워서 인가봐

만약에 니가 온다면 니가 다가 온다면
난 어떻게 해야만 할지 정말 알수 없는걸

내가 바보 같아서 바라볼 수 밖에만 없는 건 아마도
외면 할지도 모를 니 마음과 또 그래서 더 멀어질 사이가 될까봐
정말 바보 같아서 사랑한다 하지 못하는건 아마도
만남 뒤에 기다리는 아픔에 슬픈 나날들이 두려워서 인가봐

내가 바보 같아서 사랑한다 하지 못하는 건 아마도
만남뒤에 기다리는 아픔에 슬픈 나날들이

두려워서 인 가봐...

Manyage naega kandamyeon naega dagakandamyeon
Neoneotteokhe saenggakhalkka yonggil nael so eobgo

Manyage niga kandamyeon niga tteonakandamyeon
Neol eotteokhe bonaeyahalji jakkoogeobi naneun geol

Naega babogattaseo

Barabol su bakkeman eobneun geon ahmado
Wimyeonhaljido moreul ni maeumgwa
Tto keuraeseo deo meoreojil saiga dwilkkabwa

Chungmal babogattaseo

Saranghanda haji mothaneun geon ahmado
Mannamdwi e kidarineun apeume
Seulpeum nanaldeuri doryeoweoseo inkabwa

Manyage niga ondamyeon

Niga dagaondamyeon naneotteokhe haeyaman halji
Chungmal al su eobneun geol

Naega babo gattaseo

Barabol su bakkeman eobneun geon ahmado
Wuimyeonhaljido moreul ni maeumgwa
Tto keuraeseo deo meoreojil saiga dwilkkabwa

Chungmal babogattaseo

Saranghanda haji mothaneun geon ahmado
Mannandwi e kidarineun apeume
Seulpeum nanaldeuri doryeoweoseo inkabwa

Naega babo gattaseo

Saranghanda haji mothanen geon ahmado
Mannandwi e kidarineun apeume
Seulpeum nanaldeuri dortoedweoseo inkabwa

/I can sing this song over and over and over again.

Touched

It takes one person, just one person, to enlighten you to what's been unknown to you. For a while, I've been desperately praying to God for this person to appear, but I didn't pray for the person to serve that purpose (cause I didn't imagine it to that extent), instead I just prayed for someone who could just understand my fears and problems truly, and help me with them. Today, I met that person. I cried from pouring out all those things no one has understood, I cried 'cause someone finally saw through me. Today's talk is one I'm going to keep close to my heart forever.

And I really have to thank my God for He saw through me first, before all.

/edit: Haha, confused?

Addiction.

DISCLAIMER: Mental state currently unbalanced.

I seriously wanna scream. Or run away. Or put exclamation marks to all that I've typed thus far. AHHHHHHWCNHIUQWHCJWNICXIDJNCF and I wanna cry.

And now I suddenly wanna laugh. I'm really such a psycho, my mood swings from extreme to extreme and more often than not I don't think the same today as I did two days ago. I shall say this once and never say it again: Don't ever use what I once said against me, cause I probably don't mean them anymore.

Anyways reason for mentioning this and going mental all of a sudden is cause, I suddenly really don't want CCA to end anymore, contrary to the previous post. Today morning I woke up, determined to do my work, and I ended up in front of the TV for 3 hours. Then when I finally got to turning on my work computer to do my research, I ended up youtubing, tumblring, twittering (not tweeting, cause I was kind of only reading) and doing ANYTHING but researching. Okay, maybe I can blame the heat, but I know I should just blame myself.

And then I remembered my M'sian cousin who's staying at my house cause of his NUS interviews, so I decided I shouldn't go for trng and stay at home to help my mom be a good host instead.
Yeah, I did do that, but the extra time freed up should've been used on doing work too BUT I DIDN'T -.- Ok I'm really on the verge of going berserk. Every five minutes I told myself, okay I need to start work, but the moment I switch to my Microsoft Word window I open the browser again and do something else. I really hate this, it's like I keep thinking I have so much time so I can take my time and do it later, when in fact I don't.

During the past two weeks which have been packed thanks to A'divisions, I somehow did MORE work. There were days I didn't use the com (rare for the me of 2011) and I just did work until I'd fall asleep. But these 3 days of holidays just dissipated all sense of urgency in me.

I think I've a cyber addiction. How? Kpop. Okay, kpop addiction. Goodness, why won't this interest just fizz out and die like all the previous ones? It's been 4 months since it started. And there seems to be no sign of it ending, only escalating. Kill me..

(What makes it even worse is, if I had a choice, I would choose kpop over studies anytime. Thing is, I don't, that's why I'm struggling so bad. This is torturing every bit of my soul..)

Headaches

Ah it's been a long time since the last update! Hmm been so caught up with floorball and work after all. Oh well, floorball's coming to a regrettable end, and I have really mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I'll finally be able to have time to do my work and catch up with all that I've missed; and prove to certain teachers I can do it. On the other though, it marks the finishing line for this one passion (it's not even a sport anymore) I've pumped so much time and effort and emotion into. Twice to thrice of a few hours each week, perspiration shed and energy burnt to the extent of shaggedness, and happiness, excitement, anger, disappointment, dejection. I'm really upset over the fact that we're not in the next round, but like I told myself and I told a certain few, there's nothing more we can do about it already. The least we could, is play our best for the last match despite it being practically insignificant. But on the level other than practical, I know it's gonna the last time I'm going to fight so hard on that court. After that, nothing much counts anymore. I really don't want to lose. I don't want to even win by a margin. I wanna fight, I wanna score, I wanna win.

I really wanna. The euphoria of a match well-played and won; I've never ever experienced that. Serious. Like, wth, am I cursed? This is my last chance, I either take it or blow it.

I'm gonna miss the people after it all. Things will change, life's like that. So while we're still at it, I hope we make the last lap the most memorably good one for all of us.. Manz life sucks.

Let's play pretend,

Sometimes I wish, that I could just disappear without a trace for a while, and then come back as someone I wanted to be. Everyone hates unexplained changes, everyone hates to be left ignorant and unsure, and confused. That restricts us, or maybe only me, from changing ourselves, and if only I had an excuse to fall back on.. I wanna change everything about me. My stupidity, my accomodative nature, my lack of discipline. Selfishly I just wanna be straightforward, I wish I could be someone who would really just say what I want when I want it, and if I get rejected of it, then so be it. I'd be cool with it.

Isn't it easier when we just say what we want, instead of having to guess one another's thoughts and feelings all day long? Or, for example, to just say I love you when you do feel it, instead of keeping it in and causing so much distress for yourself. I've seen too much of that around.. And isn't it easy if you just say, "I feel horrible, I feel sad, I feel like shit" when you do? To strip ourselves bare and present the most raw parts of us to the world -- instead of the facades, the masks, the pretenses we put up everyday.

Screw social norms, I seriously hate them.

Back and forth

Okay hiii, been a while since I've updated huh? Haha somehow, I only update when my mood is a less than or equal to neutral.. So yeah. Idk why I felt, should I say lonely (?), all of a sudden just now. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it was the atmosphere of seeing the sun set and sky darken while feeling insignificant.

Really, is the future all we're supposed to work for in life? To me, it just seems like a never ending chase, always having to run for something better, something bigger. It really has become a flout of society's rules to be content. I don't care about victory, about achievements, about all that, really. The times I care, they're mere sparks which shine so bright for a while and extinguish mere instants later. Call me a good-for-nothing, but is being content a sin? Screw rules, screw norms, screw expectations, they have screwed me up all my life.

On the other hand.., recently I realized that during down times, listening to sad songs gives me some solace and maybe comfort that someone else understands my pain. Meanwhile, during happy times, it doesn't actually dampen my mood, but it helps me reflect and not get caught up in my joy and ecstasy instead. Haha, maybe it helps in making me more rational and cool-headed? Hopefully.

Hectic week next week. One week to Adivs.

C

One hundredth post of which at least half are irritatingly depressing, yay.

Haha just wanted to say, I thought of something random today:
"I'd love anyone who knew and yet accepted, this miserable excuse of a human I am"

Hah alright, gotta work hard on complex numbers. Bye!

Drink driving

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight

And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

-

It's April's Fool Day today, and I once told somebody that I was going to smile through the pain, till the pain subsides and fades, and my smile is from the heart again. With that in mind, I made use of this day, and I laughed and played, joked and fooled around, just like the old times back in my childhood. But well, I guess all good things come to an end though, I still have to face reality eventually.

And the smiles cease when I unmask myself to discover yet again how crippled and crushed I am inside. When can I finally, again, experience what a heartfelt smile feels like on my face?