So, I was watching SNSD and the Dangerous Boys before this, and I'm here to post because there's this strange settling in my stomach, which occurs when something dawns upon me. I guess all of you who don't watch this show would think that this is yet another fangirl post, but hey, I don't fangirl here.
I don't even know why I'm explaining myself. But I'll leave that for another time.
Anyway, right now in episode 5, I can see the huge improvement in the boys as compared to before. It made me sad. Not for them obviously, but perhaps, for myself? And for everyone who hasn't had someone put so much effort into them before. Put effort, faith, encouragement, and whatever else.
Maybe my emotions are mistaken, because there should have been a few of these people in my life. But I've let them down, because I have a tendency to reject what's good for me.
I don't want to be honest. I don't want to say, I'm jealous of those boys, because I really am. If you ask me what my phobia is, I'd tell you I have none. Insects, maybe. But really..? I'm not afraid of failing, of dying, of heights, of ghosts, of this and that.
I'm afraid I'll become nothing.
Not necessarily achievement-wise. But to have a place in someone's life, I think that's all I want. Doesn't everyone, but they want more than that. It's nice when people understand, and then care. I'm just a little scared that no one can, because it's not written on my face, it's not portrayed in my actions, it's not described in my words; it's all in unspoken thoughts. To put it more accurately, I think I'm afraid I buried myself too deep inwards.
Who knows me?
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Chanced upon.
I think the old me was a much better friend, even if the current me's happier. Pros and cons..?
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Friday, December 30, 2011
Society
Okay, typing this post after a horribad day at work. Yeah, horribly bad. Goodness. To be honest it's not that bad from a bystander's point of view, but from my eyes, it was.
Firstly I went to work thinking that my shift today was 3-9PM. I was pretty excited about rushing home to catch today's Gayo Daejun (it's a concert each of the three Korean major channels organize every end of year, on the 29th, 30th and 31st.) but ended up, my shift was 3-11PM. Which meant that I'd miss it. So I thought, okay, nevermind, and I started working. I have this manager who's pretty nice, although people have already badmouthed her to me already but she hasn't personally offended me so I'm not gonna be biased; she took early leave today (AND tomorrow omg) so there's some other branch's manager attached here. Firstly, her operation methods are different, so there were some things she asked me to do which left me baffled. And then she was telling me that she didn't hear me greet (ok, the other manager tells me this too, but wtf I only need to let the customers hear right! Not as if I'm greeting them. Do I need to shout into the customers' faces so they can hear me?! o___o) and being accused wrongly I insisted, "No, I said welcome to the customer!" and IDK what is so cute about me being insistent/rebuttive/whatever but she laughed and she lightly pinched my chin. You know how people hold little kids'/their lover's chins and then go "Awwww"?? Yes she did that. And OHMYGAD it's so gross!!!! I barely even know her, please?!?!?! Seriously if my friends did that I would probably have a minor reaction like waaahgh but for a stranger like today, my impression of the person goes into the drain.
So after that everything was pretty okay, until this group came into the boutique. There were three Chinese: two women one man, and three 20 give-take a little year old Vietnamese/Filipino/Indonesian girls. From what I could hear them converse about, they seemed to be foreign workers and I presume one woman was trying to handle their operations/whatever with the couple. She called me to take their orders and I wrote whatever she pointed to, and she wanted a Litchi-something so I asked, "Litchi Tea Freeze?" and she went "Yayaya," and she said she wanted two lychees and less sweet. And her Seafood Aglio Olio she wanted more spicy. Okay, so these together with the other orders I took, and I went to key them in.
Passing by the barista (who was the manager), I told her about the requests and then she said, "But Litchi Tea Freeze has no lychees", and I was like, really? So I went to ask the lady about it. She gave me a look and she said, the drink I usually have has lychees! She asked me what drink I ordered for her, so I flipped to the Tea Freeze page and showed her. She said, "No, I don't want this. I want Lychee Jazz.". I went back to the counter and I told my manager, and she said, "No, tell her cannot, I blended it already." I went to the woman and told her, and she said, "No I don't want that. I want Lychee Jazz." so I went back to tell the manager, and the manager was pissed off. I reminded her about the less sweet and two lychees, and she replied, "Don't want give.". Lol like ...what? Idk man, just so you know, making a wrong drink is no big deal and we usually just drink it ourselves under the reason of food testing. It's a legit reason; for the waiters/waitresses to know how the drink tastes like so we can better introduce them to the customers. And she looked so pissed? Zzzz and after that I went to serve other customers.
Who knows, suddenly the manager called me and told me the woman said she didn't order a certain drink. It was some Strawberry Mocha Blend I remember. I served it to the woman, and she looked at me angrily and said (in Chinese), "No I didn't order this! How do you take orders? You anyhow write and anyhow give an order to me?" So, I apologized (and you know what the best part is? The General Manager (super high post) was also in the boutique....) and told the manager that she insisted that she didn't order. So alright, I thought that was bad enough.
After a while, all of a sudden the woman comes up to me (who was at the counter) and the manager, and asks where is the soup and pizza. The thing is, she didn't order them from me!!!! Wtf wtf wtf. So I said, "I didn't take any orders for soup and pizza," and she replied (in Chinese again. I shall type it out...) “我明明有order，你们是怎样take orders的？如果她不会你就找会的人，为什么把我的order这样乱乱点！” all in a damn bitchy and accusing tone. What I find funny on afterthought is that my manager is a Filipino so she probably doesn't understand a single shit she's saying. Lmao. So my manager replied her and told her that we would serve the soup and pizza in five minutes. She replied, "I want the soup NOW.", and my manager was like "Okay." and we all went about with our own stuff. I felt so sorry at that point of time that I wanted to cry, because I felt wronged, troublesome, and scared (since the GM was there) all at the same time. I went on with waitressing, and everytime I had to tend to their table (clear plates, serve drinks, refill water etc.) the woman would either roll her eyes at me or scold me some more. Argh.
Finally, when they were settling the bill, the woman nagged at me, “你是怎样？做事人在心不在！以后出来做工时你怎么办？”, so I gave an apologetic smile and said sorry again. I felt miserable.
One good thing was that the GM didn't say anything about it, though I do think she noticed the commotion. All in all, it brought me to reflect and realize that the more people you meet, the more types of people you discover. TBH I feel pretty unexposed to the higher-class people because of my own social standing, and through this job I meet them every day (tcc is a boutique lol, because it's high-class ._.). It has opened my eyes, especially today. I don't hate the woman that much; it was a severe case of miscommunication and all the wrong circumstances happening at the wrong time. But I feel like if I take her advice (aka naggings/scoldings) the objective way, it'll help me. And I should put my ill feelings behind.
Lol. I don't know how well I need to perform to get the Outstanding Staff Award, but I'll try. And when I get it, I'll think back to this day and laugh.
Firstly I went to work thinking that my shift today was 3-9PM. I was pretty excited about rushing home to catch today's Gayo Daejun (it's a concert each of the three Korean major channels organize every end of year, on the 29th, 30th and 31st.) but ended up, my shift was 3-11PM. Which meant that I'd miss it. So I thought, okay, nevermind, and I started working. I have this manager who's pretty nice, although people have already badmouthed her to me already but she hasn't personally offended me so I'm not gonna be biased; she took early leave today (AND tomorrow omg) so there's some other branch's manager attached here. Firstly, her operation methods are different, so there were some things she asked me to do which left me baffled. And then she was telling me that she didn't hear me greet (ok, the other manager tells me this too, but wtf I only need to let the customers hear right! Not as if I'm greeting them. Do I need to shout into the customers' faces so they can hear me?! o___o) and being accused wrongly I insisted, "No, I said welcome to the customer!" and IDK what is so cute about me being insistent/rebuttive/whatever but she laughed and she lightly pinched my chin. You know how people hold little kids'/their lover's chins and then go "Awwww"?? Yes she did that. And OHMYGAD it's so gross!!!! I barely even know her, please?!?!?! Seriously if my friends did that I would probably have a minor reaction like waaahgh but for a stranger like today, my impression of the person goes into the drain.
So after that everything was pretty okay, until this group came into the boutique. There were three Chinese: two women one man, and three 20 give-take a little year old Vietnamese/Filipino/Indonesian girls. From what I could hear them converse about, they seemed to be foreign workers and I presume one woman was trying to handle their operations/whatever with the couple. She called me to take their orders and I wrote whatever she pointed to, and she wanted a Litchi-something so I asked, "Litchi Tea Freeze?" and she went "Yayaya," and she said she wanted two lychees and less sweet. And her Seafood Aglio Olio she wanted more spicy. Okay, so these together with the other orders I took, and I went to key them in.
Passing by the barista (who was the manager), I told her about the requests and then she said, "But Litchi Tea Freeze has no lychees", and I was like, really? So I went to ask the lady about it. She gave me a look and she said, the drink I usually have has lychees! She asked me what drink I ordered for her, so I flipped to the Tea Freeze page and showed her. She said, "No, I don't want this. I want Lychee Jazz.". I went back to the counter and I told my manager, and she said, "No, tell her cannot, I blended it already." I went to the woman and told her, and she said, "No I don't want that. I want Lychee Jazz." so I went back to tell the manager, and the manager was pissed off. I reminded her about the less sweet and two lychees, and she replied, "Don't want give.". Lol like ...what? Idk man, just so you know, making a wrong drink is no big deal and we usually just drink it ourselves under the reason of food testing. It's a legit reason; for the waiters/waitresses to know how the drink tastes like so we can better introduce them to the customers. And she looked so pissed? Zzzz and after that I went to serve other customers.
Who knows, suddenly the manager called me and told me the woman said she didn't order a certain drink. It was some Strawberry Mocha Blend I remember. I served it to the woman, and she looked at me angrily and said (in Chinese), "No I didn't order this! How do you take orders? You anyhow write and anyhow give an order to me?" So, I apologized (and you know what the best part is? The General Manager (super high post) was also in the boutique....) and told the manager that she insisted that she didn't order. So alright, I thought that was bad enough.
After a while, all of a sudden the woman comes up to me (who was at the counter) and the manager, and asks where is the soup and pizza. The thing is, she didn't order them from me!!!! Wtf wtf wtf. So I said, "I didn't take any orders for soup and pizza," and she replied (in Chinese again. I shall type it out...) “我明明有order，你们是怎样take orders的？如果她不会你就找会的人，为什么把我的order这样乱乱点！” all in a damn bitchy and accusing tone. What I find funny on afterthought is that my manager is a Filipino so she probably doesn't understand a single shit she's saying. Lmao. So my manager replied her and told her that we would serve the soup and pizza in five minutes. She replied, "I want the soup NOW.", and my manager was like "Okay." and we all went about with our own stuff. I felt so sorry at that point of time that I wanted to cry, because I felt wronged, troublesome, and scared (since the GM was there) all at the same time. I went on with waitressing, and everytime I had to tend to their table (clear plates, serve drinks, refill water etc.) the woman would either roll her eyes at me or scold me some more. Argh.
Finally, when they were settling the bill, the woman nagged at me, “你是怎样？做事人在心不在！以后出来做工时你怎么办？”, so I gave an apologetic smile and said sorry again. I felt miserable.
One good thing was that the GM didn't say anything about it, though I do think she noticed the commotion. All in all, it brought me to reflect and realize that the more people you meet, the more types of people you discover. TBH I feel pretty unexposed to the higher-class people because of my own social standing, and through this job I meet them every day (tcc is a boutique lol, because it's high-class ._.). It has opened my eyes, especially today. I don't hate the woman that much; it was a severe case of miscommunication and all the wrong circumstances happening at the wrong time. But I feel like if I take her advice (aka naggings/scoldings) the objective way, it'll help me. And I should put my ill feelings behind.
Lol. I don't know how well I need to perform to get the Outstanding Staff Award, but I'll try. And when I get it, I'll think back to this day and laugh.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Luxemborg
Okay so, I'm blogging because I'm taking a break from writing LOL. The irony, right? That I'm taking a break from writing by writing....okay, whatever.
Just in case you're thinking what I'm writing, hmm, I don't think you'll ever find out because I'm not gonna disclose it personally, hahaha. The wonders of Internet anonymity /smirks
Alright, so. Random.
I think it's a blessing in disguise that I share a room with my mom and bro. Being the loner I am, if I had a room to myself, I'd probably coop myself up all day and end up being a severe introvert. But instead, now I'm forced (okay, forced is too strong a word...) to interact with my family because I don't have any private space. Which is good. Oh, the more important thing is, it means family time, even if it's half-hearted at times.
Also, I'm gonna work next week! At TCC. Idk which branch I'm posted to yet. Also, with afterthought, I'm finding the pay a bit low.. $6.30/hr. Man, 7hrs/day and 5days/week wouldn't even add up to a four digit salary in a month. Which sucks. So, I googled some other jobs and I sent in my resume to a few tuition centres lmao. I can teach Eng and Chi concurrently, okay! That's something to be demanded ...I hope.
Okay I shall go now, adios!
Abrupt, I know. That's just me. n_n
Just in case you're thinking what I'm writing, hmm, I don't think you'll ever find out because I'm not gonna disclose it personally, hahaha. The wonders of Internet anonymity /smirks
Alright, so. Random.
I think it's a blessing in disguise that I share a room with my mom and bro. Being the loner I am, if I had a room to myself, I'd probably coop myself up all day and end up being a severe introvert. But instead, now I'm forced (okay, forced is too strong a word...) to interact with my family because I don't have any private space. Which is good. Oh, the more important thing is, it means family time, even if it's half-hearted at times.
Also, I'm gonna work next week! At TCC. Idk which branch I'm posted to yet. Also, with afterthought, I'm finding the pay a bit low.. $6.30/hr. Man, 7hrs/day and 5days/week wouldn't even add up to a four digit salary in a month. Which sucks. So, I googled some other jobs and I sent in my resume to a few tuition centres lmao. I can teach Eng and Chi concurrently, okay! That's something to be demanded ...I hope.
Okay I shall go now, adios!
Abrupt, I know. That's just me. n_n
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Entranced
Okay wow, I haven't blogged for almost 3 weeks! Oh well. It's been a period of ups and downs.
For one, A's ended!!! Tbh I didn't feel much from it. Tbvh I didn't work my hardest for these exams. But, as I've told some, this is me and I'm pretty sure nothing would change even if I repeated the year, because it's not something I seek to achieve in. Well, I still feel less burdened of course, though. In exchange for the burden which was lifted, now I feel this need to be productive. To earn money in order to be self-sustainable, to write, to make up for moments I've let go or lost because of walling myself in the past months.
But, I feel empty. I don't know why. I feel alienated, I think. I've become much more emotionless after this period, people are beginning to baffle me. Why? Why let feelings control you, why let them screw you over? Maybe I need to clarify something; I'm not entirely emotionless, but (negative)emotion-less. I still laugh and get excited and all, but on the other end, I'm just empty. That's what I'm feeling right now, because there isn't anything spurring my positive emotions now. I'm just stagnant, baffled, forehead creased and frowning from this lack of negativity. Lol, should be a good thing, right? Rationally I'm happy, but I can't help but wonder if it's normal.
Then again, I realize there are some scary things I'm feeling.. Impatience, jealousy, inacceptance, contempt. It's really weird, lol. I'm becoming damn eccentric.
Okay anyway, lots of things went on these three weeks!
- Prom. It was freaking boring. Thankfully, post prom was alright because we (Calise Cindy Huixian Shiqi & I) had an adventure searching for Timbre@OldSchool and ended up it was after operating hours, so we bought coffee and juice and went to Shiqi's house LOL. So, while everyone was like, probably boozing at Zouk and dancing, we were getting caffeine and sugar highs while watching Crayon Shinchan HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh! Melvin and Ivan also joined us at Shiqi's house, so the six of us shared an obedient and non-rebellious post-prom~
- Outings with friends. Went out with my childhood friends (Meixuan, Sherina, and Xinyi!), and so coincidentally we met another of our friends, Sam, at Clarke Quay. Went midnight k-ing, then drinking at Clarke Quay, then ate Macs at like 4am in the morning LOL. Also, went out with class clique (Cal, Cindy, Shiqi) for prom shopping. And then there was prom shopping and a simple dinner with Siaoyi, Vivien, Weiling, and days later Breaking Dawn (WHICH ISN'T THAT BAD WHAT LOL.) w Viv and Weiling ^--^ Lastly (yesterday) met up with Diondra to catch up and passed the SNSD bug to her hehehe <3
- SNSD CONCERT. Most epic concert in my life (tbh I haven't been to many lmao). Queued one day earlier, went through lots of drama with my brother whatwith the disputes over an unofficial queue some people were trying to set up (two of us were just onlookers to these, silently laughing at their immaturity and lack of rationality), and oh for the first time in my life I lay down by the streets and slept like a hobo. LOL. A fresh experience man, I must say. The next morning Huixian joined us and thankfully we managed to help her cut the queue with little trouble. We died queueing, with the pain of sitting down with no space to adjust yourself for HOURS, and then later on when it rained we had to stand for almost three hours. And when we finally got in, because we were in the standing pen, we had to stand for another three hours HAHHAHHA. But totally worth it, I regret nothing.
The girls were so beautiful in real life it's kind of ..dazzling. I was dazed for most of the concert because it's surreal, the lights, the effects, the dances, the real SNSD in front of my eyes and performing, laughing, playing around. I think I keep repeating this but for the sake of putting this in my blog so I can read back in future; Yoona pointed at my foam heart and laughed, while Tiffany stared at it and then eyesmiled at me. Okay, seriously, these girls are idols with like a million fans worldwide, and I managed to make eye contact with them... It's a dream come true for every SONE (SNSD's fans). Goodness.. What I would give to experience it all over again. They're not just pretty girls. People who hate them think they're just that. That's why they think nothing of them, even dislike them; hate them. But if you look past the surface to the personality (which should be the case for every human being, by the way. Yes, they're humans too), you'll see Taeyeon's inability to open up about her feelings beyond her cheerfulness (which I feel very much for), Jessica's friendliness beyond her cold exterior, Sunny's maturity beyond her act-cuteness, Tiffany's pain behind her dazzling smiles, Hyoyeon's insecurities beyond her hilariousity, Yuri's concern for her members beyond her overwhelming stage charisma, Sooyoung's meekness beyond her straightforwardness, Yoona's awfully endearingness beyond her godlike beauty, and Seohyun's wisdom beyond her silence and reserve.
Okay, I'm sorry for that.
I seem to know them more than I know my friends, huh..? Not really, I think. I guess I know more than I show, or at least, that's what I believe.
Yeah, okay. Shall go now, it's been too long a post. Byebye!
For one, A's ended!!! Tbh I didn't feel much from it. Tbvh I didn't work my hardest for these exams. But, as I've told some, this is me and I'm pretty sure nothing would change even if I repeated the year, because it's not something I seek to achieve in. Well, I still feel less burdened of course, though. In exchange for the burden which was lifted, now I feel this need to be productive. To earn money in order to be self-sustainable, to write, to make up for moments I've let go or lost because of walling myself in the past months.
But, I feel empty. I don't know why. I feel alienated, I think. I've become much more emotionless after this period, people are beginning to baffle me. Why? Why let feelings control you, why let them screw you over? Maybe I need to clarify something; I'm not entirely emotionless, but (negative)emotion-less. I still laugh and get excited and all, but on the other end, I'm just empty. That's what I'm feeling right now, because there isn't anything spurring my positive emotions now. I'm just stagnant, baffled, forehead creased and frowning from this lack of negativity. Lol, should be a good thing, right? Rationally I'm happy, but I can't help but wonder if it's normal.
Then again, I realize there are some scary things I'm feeling.. Impatience, jealousy, inacceptance, contempt. It's really weird, lol. I'm becoming damn eccentric.
Okay anyway, lots of things went on these three weeks!
- Prom. It was freaking boring. Thankfully, post prom was alright because we (Calise Cindy Huixian Shiqi & I) had an adventure searching for Timbre@OldSchool and ended up it was after operating hours, so we bought coffee and juice and went to Shiqi's house LOL. So, while everyone was like, probably boozing at Zouk and dancing, we were getting caffeine and sugar highs while watching Crayon Shinchan HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh! Melvin and Ivan also joined us at Shiqi's house, so the six of us shared an obedient and non-rebellious post-prom~
- Outings with friends. Went out with my childhood friends (Meixuan, Sherina, and Xinyi!), and so coincidentally we met another of our friends, Sam, at Clarke Quay. Went midnight k-ing, then drinking at Clarke Quay, then ate Macs at like 4am in the morning LOL. Also, went out with class clique (Cal, Cindy, Shiqi) for prom shopping. And then there was prom shopping and a simple dinner with Siaoyi, Vivien, Weiling, and days later Breaking Dawn (WHICH ISN'T THAT BAD WHAT LOL.) w Viv and Weiling ^--^ Lastly (yesterday) met up with Diondra to catch up and passed the SNSD bug to her hehehe <3
- SNSD CONCERT. Most epic concert in my life (tbh I haven't been to many lmao). Queued one day earlier, went through lots of drama with my brother whatwith the disputes over an unofficial queue some people were trying to set up (two of us were just onlookers to these, silently laughing at their immaturity and lack of rationality), and oh for the first time in my life I lay down by the streets and slept like a hobo. LOL. A fresh experience man, I must say. The next morning Huixian joined us and thankfully we managed to help her cut the queue with little trouble. We died queueing, with the pain of sitting down with no space to adjust yourself for HOURS, and then later on when it rained we had to stand for almost three hours. And when we finally got in, because we were in the standing pen, we had to stand for another three hours HAHHAHHA. But totally worth it, I regret nothing.
The girls were so beautiful in real life it's kind of ..dazzling. I was dazed for most of the concert because it's surreal, the lights, the effects, the dances, the real SNSD in front of my eyes and performing, laughing, playing around. I think I keep repeating this but for the sake of putting this in my blog so I can read back in future; Yoona pointed at my foam heart and laughed, while Tiffany stared at it and then eyesmiled at me. Okay, seriously, these girls are idols with like a million fans worldwide, and I managed to make eye contact with them... It's a dream come true for every SONE (SNSD's fans). Goodness.. What I would give to experience it all over again. They're not just pretty girls. People who hate them think they're just that. That's why they think nothing of them, even dislike them; hate them. But if you look past the surface to the personality (which should be the case for every human being, by the way. Yes, they're humans too), you'll see Taeyeon's inability to open up about her feelings beyond her cheerfulness (which I feel very much for), Jessica's friendliness beyond her cold exterior, Sunny's maturity beyond her act-cuteness, Tiffany's pain behind her dazzling smiles, Hyoyeon's insecurities beyond her hilariousity, Yuri's concern for her members beyond her overwhelming stage charisma, Sooyoung's meekness beyond her straightforwardness, Yoona's awfully endearingness beyond her godlike beauty, and Seohyun's wisdom beyond her silence and reserve.
Okay, I'm sorry for that.
I seem to know them more than I know my friends, huh..? Not really, I think. I guess I know more than I show, or at least, that's what I believe.
Yeah, okay. Shall go now, it's been too long a post. Byebye!
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Planes
"Insanity is characterized by the belief that one is sane."
Haha this is pretty funny considering how many people think they're sane. I say 'they' because I'm not one of them; I actually suspect myself to be insane like, every other day. So, I was wondering if the inverse is true? Hahaha.
Anyway, I've given myself a motto to live by. It's probably only temporary as always, but it'll tide me through this period at least. "You're only as miserable as you let yourself be." The word 'miserable' can be replaced with any other negatively connotated adjective (even positive ones actually) but yeah, that's my default word for now. I'm actually in a pretty happy mood now. n_n
Once tomorrow ends, bulk of A's are over! I screwed most up, but what can I do? Haha, just believe in God and believe that I'm only a failure if I believe myself to be I guess. Hopefully optimism doesn't lead to my downfall oops.
On the other hand, SNSD concert in 19 days!!!! Omg I'm going to be so close to them..... /cryz Thank God for mosh pits. If I don't get squashed to death, that is.. And, man, I actually hope my future boyfriend is a SONE too.
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Saturday, November 12, 2011
Past
It's so damn hard
/Don't leave me
For me to let you go
/Stay with me
No I can't let you go
/Why were those words so hard then
#onreplay
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Friday, November 4, 2011
Your Pieces - Epik High
Listening to this song makes me feel this settling in my stomach and that yearning to learn Korean so I don't have to depend on translations to understand such a piece of magnificence.
How do such talented people exist? Talent from birth, through nurturing, or through suffering?
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Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Driven by caffeine
So, it's late in the night at 2AM now and I just drank a can of chilled Nestle. Lol, I'm not planning to stay up, but I just wanted to drink it. It feels quite good to just do whatever actually. If I feel awake, I'll just keep going. I've ELL lesson later in the morning, but heck, I've another can of coffee in the fridge for that. I know my sleep cycle's gonna be reversed, but if I can reverse it this easily, as easily can I reverse it back.
So again, heck.
I prefer the night very much. I can narrate a descriptive right now: the distant whirring of late returning vehicles; the faint zephyrs cool against my skin; the nagging ache on my right shoulder; Nell singing Afterglow to me soothingly through the computer speakers (I still don't know if it's a he or they, lol); the ceiling light illuminating where I confine but unable to reach out to the deep purple sky out there, which is the same for all the other dull and boring lights I can see; and this undefined sense of peace I feel.
Hahahaha. Guess I'm as usual, out-of-my-mind. But really, the zephyrs (if you don't know what they mean, haha. hahahahaha.) are really really nice in the night. They don't exist in the day, but when they do, it's probably a good day.
Ohhhh now Clocks by Coldplay is playing, k, I shall go. It is time. Byebyebyebyebye~
So again, heck.
I prefer the night very much. I can narrate a descriptive right now: the distant whirring of late returning vehicles; the faint zephyrs cool against my skin; the nagging ache on my right shoulder; Nell singing Afterglow to me soothingly through the computer speakers (I still don't know if it's a he or they, lol); the ceiling light illuminating where I confine but unable to reach out to the deep purple sky out there, which is the same for all the other dull and boring lights I can see; and this undefined sense of peace I feel.
Hahahaha. Guess I'm as usual, out-of-my-mind. But really, the zephyrs (if you don't know what they mean, haha. hahahahaha.) are really really nice in the night. They don't exist in the day, but when they do, it's probably a good day.
Ohhhh now Clocks by Coldplay is playing, k, I shall go. It is time. Byebyebyebyebye~
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Commodification
"While a person dies every day during the eight or more hours in which he or she functions as a commodity, individuals come to life afterward in their spiritual creations. But this remedy bears the germs of the same sickness: that of a solitary being seeking harmony with the world."
- Che Guevara
- Che Guevara
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Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Drowning
I think I'm that.
I know how to swim. I land in troubled waters, and I struggle. I panic. I flap my limbs around trying to get to something, anything, and I panic. I grab onto something. A plank. Some more planks. Eventually, I hold out long enough to chance upon a lifejacket. I hold on to them for my dear life, and the waters still.
I hold on to them still, I hold on so tightly.
Then the waters rise in havoc again. I lose the planks. I clutch onto the lifejacket so tightly as I get embroiled in the mess, and now I don't know what will become of me; if I'll be as lucky this time.
Problem isn't if I survive. What's bad is, throughout it all, I forgot that I know how to swim. And the pressing problem now is: I can't remember.
/edit: Now listening to Nell. They're good. Or he. Idk which.
I know how to swim. I land in troubled waters, and I struggle. I panic. I flap my limbs around trying to get to something, anything, and I panic. I grab onto something. A plank. Some more planks. Eventually, I hold out long enough to chance upon a lifejacket. I hold on to them for my dear life, and the waters still.
I hold on to them still, I hold on so tightly.
Then the waters rise in havoc again. I lose the planks. I clutch onto the lifejacket so tightly as I get embroiled in the mess, and now I don't know what will become of me; if I'll be as lucky this time.
Problem isn't if I survive. What's bad is, throughout it all, I forgot that I know how to swim. And the pressing problem now is: I can't remember.
/edit: Now listening to Nell. They're good. Or he. Idk which.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
If I were to write a book
Yeah, so I was watching this talk show where the guests were asked what they wanted to write about if they were to publish a book. It got me wondering too..
My book would be titled 'Growing Up'. LOL cliche title I know, but I don't wanna give it a fanciful title because there isn't anything fanciful about it at all. And I know, I'm not even an adult yet, but there are lots of things I believe I know already. Age is but a number yeah.
I think certain blogposts of mine would be good material. Lol. But the thing is, why would people be even interested in what I think? Haha, but given the chance though, I would really wanna publish such a book in future. Hmm.
-
Anyway I'm using my phone to blog now. Hard to type, but I'll get the hang of it ...eventually. Off to study now, I need to stop being distracted. Bye!
My book would be titled 'Growing Up'. LOL cliche title I know, but I don't wanna give it a fanciful title because there isn't anything fanciful about it at all. And I know, I'm not even an adult yet, but there are lots of things I believe I know already. Age is but a number yeah.
I think certain blogposts of mine would be good material. Lol. But the thing is, why would people be even interested in what I think? Haha, but given the chance though, I would really wanna publish such a book in future. Hmm.
-
Anyway I'm using my phone to blog now. Hard to type, but I'll get the hang of it ...eventually. Off to study now, I need to stop being distracted. Bye!
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Friday, October 14, 2011
Money love, fashion fame; and all that's in between
You know that happiness you're afraid to let end. You know those chances you wish you never let slip. What happened? Life happened. That's what it is.
-
Okay, so tomorrow I'm getting a new phone! I just hope I don't fall sick (s'been three days since I started feeling like my brain got blended) and I hope the admin stuff goes well cause there're loads of stuff I need to clarify regarding my plan before I can get it. AND I hope I get to keep my number too; it rolls on my tongue. Tutu oh, tutu fai~
Then again if it doesn't work out it's God's way of telling me that I'll be distracted by it. Lol 24 days to A's and I'm still feeling like it's 240. Hmmmmm okay nah maybe 90. Yeah, something like that.
Today was Graduation Day and yesterday I considered skipping. Only when I got to school and got out of the boring speeches and announcement ofsushi honour roll and whatnot did I realize why Huixian went "WHYYYY" when I told her my intentions of skipping. People were taking photos, giving out letters to classmates and friends, grabbing teachers for a shot, chattering (with excitement? I think) and running around. I never thought that much of it ..and I was of course disoriented. Um, wow.
I felt sorry though. To my friends. It's like I never considered anything special to do for them, and I felt like what Shiqi described me as was very apt: socially awkward. Lol, Idk why, are these like the effects of closing myself up? Or am I just thinking too much and I'm actually just ill and out-of-it? I hope it's the latter. But at one point I felt so (emotionally) wrecked I almost cried. Held it in though, everyone'd think I was crazy.
Took photos with class clique and then with the 1013 clique. I hope my presence made up for something, and I tried to liven things up a bit, so.. Yup. Can't help but doubt myself though, why am I so horrid?
Hais.
Now listening to: Take Me Away by U-KISS. Had immense potential to be a much better song but it's alright, my type of song lol.
-
Okay, so tomorrow I'm getting a new phone! I just hope I don't fall sick (s'been three days since I started feeling like my brain got blended) and I hope the admin stuff goes well cause there're loads of stuff I need to clarify regarding my plan before I can get it. AND I hope I get to keep my number too; it rolls on my tongue. Tutu oh, tutu fai~
Then again if it doesn't work out it's God's way of telling me that I'll be distracted by it. Lol 24 days to A's and I'm still feeling like it's 240. Hmmmmm okay nah maybe 90. Yeah, something like that.
Today was Graduation Day and yesterday I considered skipping. Only when I got to school and got out of the boring speeches and announcement of
I felt sorry though. To my friends. It's like I never considered anything special to do for them, and I felt like what Shiqi described me as was very apt: socially awkward. Lol, Idk why, are these like the effects of closing myself up? Or am I just thinking too much and I'm actually just ill and out-of-it? I hope it's the latter. But at one point I felt so (emotionally) wrecked I almost cried. Held it in though, everyone'd think I was crazy.
Took photos with class clique and then with the 1013 clique. I hope my presence made up for something, and I tried to liven things up a bit, so.. Yup. Can't help but doubt myself though, why am I so horrid?
Hais.
Now listening to: Take Me Away by U-KISS. Had immense potential to be a much better song but it's alright, my type of song lol.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Honestly?
I SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY think I'm getting some mental problem
My head hurts.
I think anyone who sees this post will hesitate to talk to me the next time there's a need for them to.
Ah heck it. I really really wish I can survive this period though. I know I will, but it's two different things between knowing you will and feeling you won't. Because you're definitely lying to yourself either way, you just don't know which side to take and your heart and mind are in a match of tug-o-war.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Raw
You hold me by an invisible leash you call my future.
I hold myself back by something I know as an unspoken debt. One which will never be fully repaid.
And thus I go through the processes of which I don't enjoy. Question is, will, and should I let this vicious cycle continue?
I hold myself back by something I know as an unspoken debt. One which will never be fully repaid.
And thus I go through the processes of which I don't enjoy. Question is, will, and should I let this vicious cycle continue?
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Sew and rip, mend and rip
Here it is again. My not-a-care-in-the-world mood, fueled by hedonism. Yes, hedonism. Lol I learnt that word from the drilling of countless GP compre essays which had that word inside, speaking of it in a negative light.
But oh, come on. What's so bad about pursuing happiness? Seriously. Unless I got the meaning of the word wrong, which would explain why I rarely pass my vocabulary section of the paper. I dunno, lol. Whatever.
Hmm so blogger has a new layout? Tsk. Random.
There are so many things I wanna do after my A's.. But somehow, won't we all end up lazing at home despite the exciting and majestic plans we've conjured? Just like after the O's. Such is life ..though, I really wish I get down to doing the things I wanna do.
If I didn't remember wrongly, my after O's to-do-list comprised mainly shopping, playing, working, those kind of things. Maybe the after A's one will work out since it's kind of different, though there are bound to be some similarities of course. Like, working. I gotta save up. I've an amount which I'm gonna really hide and treasure because there's so much I need -- need, not want -- to do with it. I've drafted a spending 'itinerary' for it and they're a list of priorities. There are a few things inside which aren't exactly necessities, but they're priorities because I've considered how much I really want them, plus I really don't believe life is all about just fulfilling your needs but also your wants, so whatever. You gotta reward yourself from time to time. As long as it's not excessive, it should be fine.
Speaking of excessive, I'm taking an excessive break from mugging. Been slacking from yesterday afternoon till now. Oh dang. I hope I return to it later..
Back on topic, the amount I've saved so far isn't a lot, but it's decent. I set aside some money for prom, since we haven't paid the full amount, and also I think I'm gonna spend on the clothes (and makeup? Lol) as much as my mind screams that it's a waste of money. Okay, at least I prepared myself for it in advance, it shouldn't get too much out of hand haha.
And then there's overseas trips with cliques.........which I haven't set aside any money for. Dang. Dang. Dang .______. There's Genting with the class clique, and then ..the unconfirmed trip with the floorball clique (which I wonder, by the way, if it'll even happen). Life is unpredictable. And I haven't really accepted this fact, though I've come to terms with it. 2 years ago in secondary school I would've been pulling my hair out over this, but no, not now. I guess you could call it maturing, but I call it becoming numb. I don't like how the people in the world work. They make me doubtful and cynical. Haha, angsty much?
Okay, and there are random stuff like an iPhone (I've wanted one since sooooo long ago, mehmeh), uh, university application fee to SNU, and.. I can't really remember. But nevermind. Then there's the stuff I wanna do in the 8(?) months (which hopefully really only needs time and not money). Haha mundane stuff like writing, watching dramas, catching up with friends (okay this prolly needs money), playing MapleStory (LOL I kind of look forward to this) and reading books and fics.
Oh, and not forgetting, leveled-up fangirling. Lalalalala. I know, I just had to ruin the to-do-list. (:
Friday, September 2, 2011
Waiting for the End - Linkin Park
This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em
We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear
Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go
(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last,
I wish it wasn't so
(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And i don't even know what kind of things I've said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending is starting again
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violet rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em
(Holding on to what i haven't got)
We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear
(Holding on to what I haven't got)
-
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em
We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear
Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go
(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last,
I wish it wasn't so
(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And i don't even know what kind of things I've said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending is starting again
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got
This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violet rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em
(Holding on to what i haven't got)
We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear
(Holding on to what I haven't got)
-
“It's you who makes the world complicated,” he sternly corrected, “You learn in school that the world is complicated and will always be complicated, when in fact, it isn't. You learn math in school and are taught to only see the complexity in numbers, and dismiss the simplicity and elegance of getting the solution. You learn sociology, psychology and only see the complexities of the human affairs but ignore the simplicity of basic human needs that are the root cause of any human behavior. You learn science in school and are taught to observe the complex world around you, but are blind to the simplicity and wonder of the basic building blocks of all matter. Love, as in with every subject, the more you know about it, the more you find it simpler, ironically enough.”I agree... I agree.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Life - SHINee
Oh, when this passing life withers away, you come to me
The moment I touch your frozen heart, my life begins
When you’re tired and having a hard time
Please let me stay by your side
So I can give back to you the love I had only received
Before this life ends
When I get on my knees and cry before the world
When I stop my tracks inside the storm
If you alone are standing
I can handle this much pain and suffering
(If only you) If only you
(Are with me) Are with me in my life
When I lose my way inside the dark forest
When my young soul is crying
Guide me like a light, like a miracle
Before this life ends
When I get on my knees and cry before the world
When I stop my tracks inside the storm
If you alone are standing
I can suppress whatever pain and tears
(All I want is you) All I want is you
(Only one is you) Only one is you in my life
I won’t cry, I won’t cry again
Absolutely nothing can stop me
But only one person
You make me, you perfect me
Oh, you make me able to breathe like this
When I get on my knees and cry before the world
When I stop my tracks inside the storm
If you alone are standing
I can handle this much pain and suffering
(If only you) If only you
(Are with me) Are with me
When I get on my knees and cry before the world
When I stop my tracks inside the storm
If you alone are standing
I can suppress whatever pain and tears
(All I want is you) All I want is you
(Only one is you) Only one is you in my life
-
Defenses chipping, little by little.
The moment I touch your frozen heart, my life begins
When you’re tired and having a hard time
Please let me stay by your side
So I can give back to you the love I had only received
Before this life ends
When I get on my knees and cry before the world
When I stop my tracks inside the storm
If you alone are standing
I can handle this much pain and suffering
(If only you) If only you
(Are with me) Are with me in my life
When I lose my way inside the dark forest
When my young soul is crying
Guide me like a light, like a miracle
Before this life ends
When I get on my knees and cry before the world
When I stop my tracks inside the storm
If you alone are standing
I can suppress whatever pain and tears
(All I want is you) All I want is you
(Only one is you) Only one is you in my life
I won’t cry, I won’t cry again
Absolutely nothing can stop me
But only one person
You make me, you perfect me
Oh, you make me able to breathe like this
When I get on my knees and cry before the world
When I stop my tracks inside the storm
If you alone are standing
I can handle this much pain and suffering
(If only you) If only you
(Are with me) Are with me
When I get on my knees and cry before the world
When I stop my tracks inside the storm
If you alone are standing
I can suppress whatever pain and tears
(All I want is you) All I want is you
(Only one is you) Only one is you in my life
-
Defenses chipping, little by little.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
"And I can't breathe without you, but I have to"
Man, my temper's been getting worse recently. I could blame it all on the stress again, but then I don't really know. Is it? I think there's more.
Hmm, I realized something a few days ago, and I don't know what to make out of it. I forgot someone's birthday. Not just someone someone, but someone. And I only realized now in August, over 3 months overdue. I'm not gonna talk much about it, but it confused me so badly. I don't know, really.
Anyway, that wasn't what I wanted to blog about. Idk why I'm so sensitive today, it's something I haven't experienced in a long time. During breakfast, I was experiencing severe wake-up grouchiness (I haven't woken up naturally for weeks already) and so I didn't really talk much. All of a sudden, I felt like I shouldn't, because I remembered how mad I was at my mom last Sunday for not eating our routine weekly family breakfast with us just cause she was supposed to be eating vegetarian. I wouldn't have minded eating with her, and yet she went off without us. It's petty of me, but I did reject my friend's offer to study earlier just for that, and... Yeah. I didn't wanna waste the precious family time. So, I attempted to join the conversation. My mom and oldest brother were talking about the presidential elections while everyone else was busy with something else, so I asked them who they were voting for. They heard me, they even gave me a momentary glance. And yet, the very next moment they continued talking as if I hadn't said anything at all. At that very moment, I was like Wtf? Like, really.. I even almost teared on the spot, but I held it in and I continued eating silently. Call it a silent surrender.
But as we left the restaurant, my mom made the initiative to talk to me. Maybe it was because my brother and his wife was busy with their daughter, maybe cause my second bro was buying something, maybe cause my dad left already, but I don't really know. I can't even remember what she said, but I remember how she gently tried to hold my hand, as if she had to seek permission, and I realized how long I hadn't held her hands already. I realized how big I've grown, and, how far apart we've drifted. I don't know... I gently held her hand back, but barely moments later we had to go, so we let go. But on the car, I thought about it, and.. I wish I could have continued holding on. I miss that, from my childhood.
Oh well.. I think I don't have the courage to do anything about it. I'm a wuss. It's all too bad.
Hmm, I realized something a few days ago, and I don't know what to make out of it. I forgot someone's birthday. Not just someone someone, but someone. And I only realized now in August, over 3 months overdue. I'm not gonna talk much about it, but it confused me so badly. I don't know, really.
Anyway, that wasn't what I wanted to blog about. Idk why I'm so sensitive today, it's something I haven't experienced in a long time. During breakfast, I was experiencing severe wake-up grouchiness (I haven't woken up naturally for weeks already) and so I didn't really talk much. All of a sudden, I felt like I shouldn't, because I remembered how mad I was at my mom last Sunday for not eating our routine weekly family breakfast with us just cause she was supposed to be eating vegetarian. I wouldn't have minded eating with her, and yet she went off without us. It's petty of me, but I did reject my friend's offer to study earlier just for that, and... Yeah. I didn't wanna waste the precious family time. So, I attempted to join the conversation. My mom and oldest brother were talking about the presidential elections while everyone else was busy with something else, so I asked them who they were voting for. They heard me, they even gave me a momentary glance. And yet, the very next moment they continued talking as if I hadn't said anything at all. At that very moment, I was like Wtf? Like, really.. I even almost teared on the spot, but I held it in and I continued eating silently. Call it a silent surrender.
But as we left the restaurant, my mom made the initiative to talk to me. Maybe it was because my brother and his wife was busy with their daughter, maybe cause my second bro was buying something, maybe cause my dad left already, but I don't really know. I can't even remember what she said, but I remember how she gently tried to hold my hand, as if she had to seek permission, and I realized how long I hadn't held her hands already. I realized how big I've grown, and, how far apart we've drifted. I don't know... I gently held her hand back, but barely moments later we had to go, so we let go. But on the car, I thought about it, and.. I wish I could have continued holding on. I miss that, from my childhood.
Oh well.. I think I don't have the courage to do anything about it. I'm a wuss. It's all too bad.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Rain rain
Nope, not in a particularly depressed or melancholic mood right now. But I was thinking, I don't even need someone who can accept my flaws. I don't need that type of consolation cause I think it leads to stagnation. I just wish, I had someone who knew me better than I know myself.
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