Trust

Try new things. Learn to go into anything without expectations, taking each step like you would a breather -- one by one. After all, no matter where or what you wander into, you'll always have God, and God will always have you.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. (‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭31‬:‭6‬ NIV)

Worth

So recently, I stopped using social media. I've been such an avid user since secondary school days -- Friendster, Facebook, Twitter, bla bla bla. You name it, I've used it. I realize I have so much to say about this now that I reflect upon it. When I left primary school, I told myself: I'm going to be a different person in secondary school. I'm going to make lots of friends, I'm going to make my life fun. I guess primary school wasn't very fulfilling for me, in the sense that I was mostly studying and my friendships were largely unmemorable. And so I entered the phase of life where we as humans learn the most and shape our own identities and kind of build the foundations of what we treasure and what we believe in. I entered this phase, thinking, I want to build connections. I want more people in my life.

I believe that's a large factor contributing to why I used social media so much. I was always searching for validation: for the comments on my pages, for the likes, for the assurance from my friends that they craved connection with me as much as I craved it with them. I was looking for security. And over the years I got better at it of course -- at figuring out what made people tick, at making friends, at building connections. In JC I loved it, I could talk to anyone and I didn't mind saying hi to people first, and that portrayed me as highly sociable, as having a large social circle. It had its drawbacks at that time, but that's a story for another day. More importantly, after all that, I've realized how much I was building my self-image based on what others see of me, and what I perceive of others.

People should have a healthy balance of self-worth and social worth. Entering university, I decided that I had enough of socializing, and I decided to focus on the friendships I already have. But the foundations that were built while growing up never really go away -- I still used social media fervently, and increasingly I found myself being bitter that I no longer had as much to show as before. I found myself envying the highly social lives that others led, and again, I felt like I was missing out. I felt small, and I felt unhappy.

That was when I chanced upon a quote, and here I paraphrase: social media makes you compare your everyday life to that of others' highlight reels. It may not matter this much to many of you, but for me, as someone who craves social validation, who builds an identity out of being social since a long time ago, it was extremely delibitating. I realized that if I truly wanted to focus on the friendships I already had, and to treasure this toned down social life I was choosing, I had to steer clear of comparison. I couldn't bring myself to delete the social media accounts themselves -- after all I had good memories recounted there too -- so, I deleted the apps from my phone. 

This simple act has changed so much, albeit being invisible to many others. I realized the something I've been missing out on: building my self-worth. I have to admit that it's been hard to adapt of course. I easily fall into the mental state of "oh I wish I could be more approved of by people", but then I kick myself and I remind myself: "no one will tell you you are worthy -- you're the only one who will tell yourself you're worthy". And I guess well sometimes people do tell me that I'm worthy (I thank God for the many great people in my life), but if I'm not telling myself that, then it's not going to be consistent. I need to stop letting external factors define me. I need to stop shaming myself for my failures and I need to stop being so worried about what people see of me. Instead, let's focus on the positives here: I need to believe that I am worthy. I need to learn to challenge myself and improve myself constantly. I need to be more self-centred. Self-centredness doesn't have to be negative, it can be a way through which I reflect upon myself and check my beliefs, my behavior, and what I portray. I can still focus on the relationships in my life, but I will constantly examine whether the part of it which has an effect on my social worth is overwhelming my self-worth.

It will be a challenge, and I have to say that it's never something anyone can truly "achieve", but I want to work towards it. Currently, I use my spare time to read up on the news, to listen to TED talks, and to chat with my friends privately. One thing I must mention is although I've never really read the Bible, God works in miraculous ways and He has really blessed me and helps me despite how I'm lacking, and now I read the Bible sometimes too. And I believe it's a good change. Let's hope it is! :)

/edit: relevant for me to revisit this article + for anyone who thinks they're too busy for things https://medium.com/thelist/the-cult-of-busy-bbb124caed51 

Snails

// typed December 7

This is strangely upsetting. So, I just saw a snail crossing a path, and like y'know, we've all gotten that thought in our heads about the poor snail taking so long to cross that they'll probably be stepped on before they do. And I briefly contemplated whether I should pick it up and put it on the other side. But I didn't. I wanted to, but I was walking away, three steps, five, I crossed the bridge over the canal and past a basketball court and I still thought that I should have. I kinda regretted it, but I thought it was no big deal. Law of attraction -- I immediately saw a poor squashed snail in the middle of the road. Wow. Way to go...

Some people say regret is the most useless emotion ever. For me, it works, because I only ever regret in hindsight when at that very moment, I thought it was right, but I didn't do it. I always tell myself never to regret what felt right at that moment, and I guess I kinda went against this principle. So, even though it's seemingly a small thing, it has deeper implications for me... Besides, I do kinda like snails lol. All they're ever doing is their best.

On what goes on unseen

Being comfortable with other people is great. But sometimes there needs to be a limit drawn on just how comfortable you're going to allow yourself to be. Your comfortable could infringe upon my comfortable, and comfort can become a burden. Not for you, but for others. We need to find a balance, and if I must say, I'd usually rather find my sphere of comfort in that of others'.

-

Envy is a "you'll never have enough no matter what" kind of feeling and I believe it boils down to be greed. And I'm a damn greedy person, even though I've tried to be content for as long as I can remember. I need to chase and crash and burn to truly learn, man. Sigh. Will things ever be enough?

2015

Resolutions:

1. Learn to show my appreciation without expecting returns. 

2. Look forward and put down what's in the past. 

3. Work hard for myself and be responsible for my own well being. 

Ignorant

Some pursuits are meaningless, but I don't know which yet. Or maybe I should be looking out for those which are meaningful, I dunno. I really don't know much about anything at all. 

Coming to life

I'm always reading multiple books at once, guess I'm fickle like that. An author I wanna talk about is Mitch Albom though, who always slips from my mind until I unknowingly make references to his books. His stories have never failed to enchant me and make me cry. I've read The Five People You Meet in Heaven (my personal fave and the first book I read by him), Tuesdays with Morrie, Have a Little Faith, For One More Day, and now I'm reading The First Phone Call from Heaven. These books are so easy to digest -- comprehension wise -- but profound, enlightening, inspiring and heartwarming encompassed in each of them. Now that it's Christmas season, talking about this seems apt, as all these stories revolve around faith, hope and love.

I like this quote from The First Phone Call from Heaven: "Joy and sorrow share the water." It strikes me as depicting how different emotions share a space, how they co-exist, how our tears could mean either or both. We, I, need to learn to embrace our emotions. I usually tell myself to keep them on a leash, but isn't it against our nature to tame our emotions? Why shouldn't I feel them at full force? Perhaps, after that, I'd be able to understand them better and truly gain control over my feelings. I guess this could be something I can try working on in the coming year. Test it out, see how it goes. 

Meanwhile, Merry Christmas everyone! Have a satisfying end to this year, and may God bless each and every one of us :)

Wanderer at heart

So quickly, a year or six have passed. They say there's two kinds of people in your past -- the ones you've loved and lost, and the ones you've loved and let go. Is it bad that nearly everyone in my past seem to've been let go? It seems to boil down to the kind of person I am inside. Am I a wanderer trying to stay? Should I try to plant my feet, or should I head out to see, hear, feel and learn? People want stability, and I seem to be lacking that. I'll learn slowly I guess, though I think this will always be a part of me. 

Hmm

Sometimes, for no reason at all, I feel a wave of sadness wash over me, starting from my heart, and it spreads through my chest. I really can't explain it -- it doesn't seem to be crippling, nor does it ruin my mood. To some extent, it gives me a sense of peace. I felt it during tuition just now, as I was looking at my tutee do his paper. It took me by surprise, though I didn't show anything. But I felt so aware of my surroundings suddenly. The sunlight, the temperature, the things around me, the feelings my tutee may possibly be feeling. And if I have to be honest, I quite like it. I guess it's because I know I really have no reason to be feeling that way. It helps me appreciate things even more.

-

"Family isn't always blood. It's the people in life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what."

Infinitely thankful for the friends in my life. Thank you God for these blessings :))))))

Milestones

Well, so, it was PMS after all. Being 21 is absolutely the same as being 20!!! (Ha ha still as dumb as ever ain't I)

Anyway. I'm happier, if anything has changed. Being pensive and shit is still part of me, but nowadays I feel like I have so many other things to do (in a good way), so many things to see, people to love, and while I'm still as broke as I was, now that's not my scarcest resource; it's now time, and I wish I could put every minute of it to good use.

Yeah, maybe life is going really well for me right now and I'll look back and scoff at this. But I want to write this down because in this moment, I truly believe being happy is just a matter of perspective. 

x

20.

Last few hours of being 20. Maybe it's PMS, maybe I'm too mentally exhausted, maybe I'm just being immature, but... I don't want to turn 21. I don't want time to fly so quick, I don't want to grow older, I don't want to become an adult, I don't want to stop being a child. I don't want to face the worries of real life. 

I have to, but I don't want to, so let me just whine and rant because it may be the last time I can do this without drawing a, "You're 21, you should know better," because I do know. I just don't think things will be better, although I have no choice. 

"And in the end, we were all just humans... drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness"

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Enthusiastic!

So hyped for fencing again. Just had our fencing elections today and I'm excited to see what the new Exco will bring to the table. New insights, new personalities, new dynamics. Of course, there'd be problems along the way and stuff, but I'm looking forward to see how issues will be handled and managed. Haha it's really so different when you're deeply invested in a club. This is the first time our elections have meant so much to me, because it truly is gonna affect me. Hopefully I'll be as involved as I can be in the coming year.

Novices, we're gonna clinch your medals. Damn straight. 

Stultifying

Something someone once told me that has stuck with me ever since, is that I tend to make myself feel worse than I should. Whether it's because I've brought belief to become action, it's true now. I find small reasons to make myself upset, and I wonder if it's to attract attention or what. We should tend towards happiness, instead of moping. A little mopeyness is fine but too much of anything sucks. And I think mine crosses the line all too often. Gosh. My mind needs to shut up. On the bright side, being aware of this is good, right? Awareness is the first step, just like what I've learnt in my communications classes. Although admittedly, it's only the first of many... Sigh. Optimist by day, pessimist by night. 

P/s. Running on caffeine, probably ranting inebriatedly.

Slow down

It's confusing. I'm becoming someone I don't want to be, a little like how I used to be. Temperamental, moody, jealous, rude. I need to go back to how I changed those -- by keeping quiet. I need to calm down and get a leash on my emotions. 

-

Late night thoughts:

Once you've had a taste of the best, you'll never just want better. Once you've experienced freedom, it'll linger in your skin, wafting from your hair, always a hidden ache for it in your soul. 

Emptying

If it's possible for a place to be emptier today than yesterday, as if 'empty' was a spectrum and not a standard, then I would describe my heart as such a place. I feel as if I'm retreating into myself yet again; my heart is stirred by external forces, but ultimately remains hollow and lacking intrinsic motivations. Do I know what I want, and if I do, do I feel this way because I can't have what I want? Or do I want so many things at once it's tearing my sanity apart?

Some nights I wonder about these, while most days I don't. I can't explain the feelings of sorrow I feel sometimes. They wash over me while I'm on the train, they wash over me when a sad song plays. They wash my happy thoughts away when they do, leaving the rawness of the remaining melancholy. Could it be because home is where the heart is, and it's a little broken right now? That could be a plausible explanation, but it won't be the only one. 

Power and security

Typed yesterday //

RT @loversdiction: "inseparable, adj.:  Everything is separable; it’s just a question of whether you can survive the separation."

I don't think there's a question to that, because you can. You may succumb to the ill feelings and the emptiness that you previously voided to allow something to occupy, you may think you're going to inevitably get swallowed up in a black hole that's your own being, but, nope. The heart keeps beating even when it's broken, because that's how humans are. We bruise and we hurt, but we recover, and even scars will fade. The days you thought you'd never survive eventually tide over, and in this big world with its endless beings (billions is perceptually endless relative to one, anyway), your heart will find a safe elsewhere to anchor even if you originally had no destination. Well, that's if, you don't choose to sail and wander with no purpose, no nothing, but lug the weight of your anchor towards the view of the horizon you'll never reach. Heartbreak is good for you if you're fighting it, not if you're wallowing in it. Our generation romanticizes pain and suffering, but maybe I'm just beginning to learn that the traditional values of loyalty and passive companionship are much more romantic and inherently good for one's well-being. Maybe I'm older now and prefer stability, but I just want my love to be slow and maybe addictive, not burning and later crashing. 

On another not completely unrelated note, I've reached a decision not to go on exchange overseas. True, I'm missing out with regards to what my peers will be experiencing. But referring back to my priorities, family is first, and while my heart yearns to travel, I think I'll be thankful I chose to put that off and to spend more time with my family, more specifically, my mom. It has always been a nagging worry to me that my parents are getting on in their years, and I think my future self will look back and be happy I invested my time in the people whom I will one day miss, instead of the self I'll always be in.