I had a surprisingly enjoyable day today, IGNORING Pe when I got lectured, math lecture when I fell asleep, Econs when I didn't do my case study, break when we got scammed by the malay stall, H1 when I didn't bring my lect notes and didn't understand a single thing, Math when I listened to the lunatic teach, and ELL when I felt substandard as usual. <--- Haha this is my entire timetable, LOLOLOLOLOL. I didn't mention, training when I had a horrible time and my time of the month came, dinner when the lunatic bothered me again, and the university dialogue session which almost freezed my fingers off and bored my brain out of my head.
But yea, despite all that, I had an enjoyable day. Hahaha seriously. I think sometimes little things cheer me up, and I'm thankful for that. ALL my friends who never stop giving me encouragement, and making a smile light up on my face. <3 These are enough to negate whatever lousy stuff which screw up my life.
Which, well.. Kind of worsens the guilt inside of me regarding the previous post. Ah, good things never last, do they?
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Love?
It's times like these when I seriously feel inhuman. Do I seriously know what love is? Any type of love, I mean. It all seems to be, implanted? in me, through education from birth. Or was I supposed to be taught to love?
Okay, don't read this if you think I'm going crazy, seriously. Sorry for wasting 10 seconds of yours on the previous sentences.
If you want to though, bear with me. Maybe it's the guilt, maybe it's the time now (I'm the only awake soul in the house), or maybe it's the stress. Guilt cause of so many things I've done, which.. I know I mentioned never to feel regret in the previous blogpost, but I find myself flouting what I say every single day. I never adhere to rules. Be it school rules, societal rules, or my own, I screw them every single day. And I hate myself for that. Why do I change so unpredictably? I never stay the same.
Love. My logic and whatever I've seen since I could think, be it fiction or non-fiction, tells me many people's (never all, cause I'm not one of them already) love doesn't change. They stay 'loyal', they stay faithful. I don't. My heart changes so easily, and it's not within my control. It scares me so bad.. I'm the kind who never loves for long, and this makes me so afraid to love at times as I consider my actions. It's real, I'm not afraid to admit this to anyone who may be reading this now: I might get sick of you, soon. I'm really sorry, but.. I don't know why, either. I detest myself so much for this..
Who's the longest close friend I've had? I don't think I've one. Is there any band/artiste I've stuck with since a long time ago? No. Any crushes - or even more sometimes - which have become real? No.
Even the one time I thought I loved with my life, I later found out that I never loved at all. I think it was just my mind.
Haha, wow. I remember joking the other day over how I would be able to get married, and not get a divorce. Now that I consider it seriously, that threat is for real. I don't think I'd be able to. And I always imagined having a friend who would be with me as we grew up, but no, I don't think it'd be possible.
I'm now feeling quite scared to post this, but.. These are the thoughts which run through my mind, and I feel the responsibility to let those who want to know find out. It's a warning, I guess?
I mean it everytime I say I like being a loner. Cause, a part of me tells me, that's the only way I won't hurt everyone else.
On top of this, there's nothing special about me. Academically, talent-wise, whatever. Okay, yes fine, I'm in a JC. But since the people I'm comparing against right now, would naturally be the other available people around me, then yes - I suck academically. Talent? What, sports? There are so many better sports people than me. Or I'd be in the volleyball team or smth now, winning trophies for the school. Looks? Haha not even worth mentioning. And what, as a friend? I admit, I find myself an awfully good friend at the start, but it usually runs out eventually.. I find myself scared of seeing that come, and it makes me put even more into the friendship from the very start. So, might as well make some other worthy friend rather than me, k?
I'm such a lousy daughter, student, friend right now. I don't help with housework, I don't turn up for lessons, I don't do my schoolwork, I don't talk much anymore.
Okay I think I'm going to go on forever, and I ..don't wanna cry. If you're thinking that I'm being dramatic over here, you're most welcome to never visit my blog again.
You didn't have to know all this.
Okay, don't read this if you think I'm going crazy, seriously. Sorry for wasting 10 seconds of yours on the previous sentences.
If you want to though, bear with me. Maybe it's the guilt, maybe it's the time now (I'm the only awake soul in the house), or maybe it's the stress. Guilt cause of so many things I've done, which.. I know I mentioned never to feel regret in the previous blogpost, but I find myself flouting what I say every single day. I never adhere to rules. Be it school rules, societal rules, or my own, I screw them every single day. And I hate myself for that. Why do I change so unpredictably? I never stay the same.
Love. My logic and whatever I've seen since I could think, be it fiction or non-fiction, tells me many people's (never all, cause I'm not one of them already) love doesn't change. They stay 'loyal', they stay faithful. I don't. My heart changes so easily, and it's not within my control. It scares me so bad.. I'm the kind who never loves for long, and this makes me so afraid to love at times as I consider my actions. It's real, I'm not afraid to admit this to anyone who may be reading this now: I might get sick of you, soon. I'm really sorry, but.. I don't know why, either. I detest myself so much for this..
Who's the longest close friend I've had? I don't think I've one. Is there any band/artiste I've stuck with since a long time ago? No. Any crushes - or even more sometimes - which have become real? No.
Even the one time I thought I loved with my life, I later found out that I never loved at all. I think it was just my mind.
Haha, wow. I remember joking the other day over how I would be able to get married, and not get a divorce. Now that I consider it seriously, that threat is for real. I don't think I'd be able to. And I always imagined having a friend who would be with me as we grew up, but no, I don't think it'd be possible.
I'm now feeling quite scared to post this, but.. These are the thoughts which run through my mind, and I feel the responsibility to let those who want to know find out. It's a warning, I guess?
I mean it everytime I say I like being a loner. Cause, a part of me tells me, that's the only way I won't hurt everyone else.
On top of this, there's nothing special about me. Academically, talent-wise, whatever. Okay, yes fine, I'm in a JC. But since the people I'm comparing against right now, would naturally be the other available people around me, then yes - I suck academically. Talent? What, sports? There are so many better sports people than me. Or I'd be in the volleyball team or smth now, winning trophies for the school. Looks? Haha not even worth mentioning. And what, as a friend? I admit, I find myself an awfully good friend at the start, but it usually runs out eventually.. I find myself scared of seeing that come, and it makes me put even more into the friendship from the very start. So, might as well make some other worthy friend rather than me, k?
I'm such a lousy daughter, student, friend right now. I don't help with housework, I don't turn up for lessons, I don't do my schoolwork, I don't talk much anymore.
Okay I think I'm going to go on forever, and I ..don't wanna cry. If you're thinking that I'm being dramatic over here, you're most welcome to never visit my blog again.
You didn't have to know all this.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
My Heaven
Baby Good Night - G-Dragon & TOP
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRJ4IzpfVUs
^ GD is my ideal boyfriend in this MV!!! And TOP looks plain weird, hmm.
Because Of You - After School
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmdeKzLlS8w&feature=related
-
Anyway, been a while since I've updated properly. The past few weeks have been pretty cruel to me, and I'm quite tired. But nevermind, I'm thankfully back on track with schoolwork, as in I don't owe anything or whatever (unlike every single time last time), but, I guess I paid a heavy price for that. I skipped quite a lot of school, and now I'm in trouble with almost every single teacher. I'm glad it's not ALL the teachers, so yeah.. Tomorrow there's one more confrontation to face, and I pray I can pull through safely. Then I'll be fine.
A'Levels are nearing, and I really need to study. Math and Chem.. I don't know how to face them. How? They scare me like mad.
And thanks to this period of 'isolation', I've decided on some things. I guess one undefined moral that I live by, is to never regret my decisions. I don't follow it sometimes I know, but it really depends on the circumstances. That's why I said 'undefined'. Anyw, I believe strongly in that cause I think, whenever I make a decision, at that point of time, I'd make sure that it was the best choice possible. If it turns out not to be the best, well too bad, it's not like I could foresee the future. So yeah, why waste my time regretting? I think I'll hold true to it, this time too.
Hah cryptic much? Anyway everyone, work hard! I'll be too (:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRJ4IzpfVUs
^ GD is my ideal boyfriend in this MV!!! And TOP looks plain weird, hmm.
Because Of You - After School
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmdeKzLlS8w&feature=related
-
Anyway, been a while since I've updated properly. The past few weeks have been pretty cruel to me, and I'm quite tired. But nevermind, I'm thankfully back on track with schoolwork, as in I don't owe anything or whatever (unlike every single time last time), but, I guess I paid a heavy price for that. I skipped quite a lot of school, and now I'm in trouble with almost every single teacher. I'm glad it's not ALL the teachers, so yeah.. Tomorrow there's one more confrontation to face, and I pray I can pull through safely. Then I'll be fine.
A'Levels are nearing, and I really need to study. Math and Chem.. I don't know how to face them. How? They scare me like mad.
And thanks to this period of 'isolation', I've decided on some things. I guess one undefined moral that I live by, is to never regret my decisions. I don't follow it sometimes I know, but it really depends on the circumstances. That's why I said 'undefined'. Anyw, I believe strongly in that cause I think, whenever I make a decision, at that point of time, I'd make sure that it was the best choice possible. If it turns out not to be the best, well too bad, it's not like I could foresee the future. So yeah, why waste my time regretting? I think I'll hold true to it, this time too.
Hah cryptic much? Anyway everyone, work hard! I'll be too (:
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Isolation
I'm not a good friend to anyone anymore. I'm absorbed in my own world, blindly chasing after what the world tells me to go after. Grades, achievements, a future.
I just hope after this ends, I can still salvage the situation. But then again, will it ever end?
I just hope after this ends, I can still salvage the situation. But then again, will it ever end?
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
Alterations
Hmm, I'm honestly not the same girl you knew last December. Better or worse? Idk. Just a shift in mindset and priorities.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Those three words.
Haha highly random thought.
You know those three words, "I love you"? I think it's not what it means to you (when someone tells it to you) that matters, but what it means to the sayer, that matters most.
Some people think saying Ily rarely makes it more meaningful.
Some people think saying it all the time is better, cause once is never enough to express it.
Mm, Idk how to state my point. School reopening tomorrow, night!
You know those three words, "I love you"? I think it's not what it means to you (when someone tells it to you) that matters, but what it means to the sayer, that matters most.
Some people think saying Ily rarely makes it more meaningful.
Some people think saying it all the time is better, cause once is never enough to express it.
Mm, Idk how to state my point. School reopening tomorrow, night!
Friday, February 4, 2011
CNY! (:
Happy Chinese New Year everyone! ;) Haha okay one day late but it's okay right. And, this isn't gonna be a happy post or whatever, so heck lah!
Haha, watched Shaolin (the Andy Lau movie) today and cried like hell. Seriously, why do I keep crying recently?! Ohyea, forgot to mention, Orientation 2011 is overrr! Mentioned this cause on the last day of orientation, I almost cried at one point. It was when my group (Taylor 2 <3) cheered without us prompting them for the first time. I mean, not at the station or whatever (for points those type), but in the hall when cheering was merely out of enjoyment and excitement. When I heard them scream (maybe only a few did, but ah it was loud enough for me to mistake it as a whole group so Idc), I felt touched and the feelings just pulsated in me. And maybe.. I felt really really proud? Seriously. I know everything has ended and the bonds we have forged may just fade away soon, but the memories stay in my heart always. I'll never forget that feeling. So yup, I really hope every single one of them enjoys Nanyang as much as I did and do, cause that would mean enjoying Nanyang A LOT.
Mm, back to the Shaolin movie, in the first half of the movie I already cried. Not teared, but cried. The tears just started flowing from me, I don't know why it was so serious though. Maybe I could associate with that feeling of loss? Haha, or the movie is just really awesome lah.
Mom's in Msia for CNY with relatives, so these few days, I've a chance to brood over things. That's not very good huh? But I feel like it nonetheless. Chyeah, who cares bout homework.
Cherish this short-lived holiday everyone, seriously. Vday soon! ^^
Haha, watched Shaolin (the Andy Lau movie) today and cried like hell. Seriously, why do I keep crying recently?! Ohyea, forgot to mention, Orientation 2011 is overrr! Mentioned this cause on the last day of orientation, I almost cried at one point. It was when my group (Taylor 2 <3) cheered without us prompting them for the first time. I mean, not at the station or whatever (for points those type), but in the hall when cheering was merely out of enjoyment and excitement. When I heard them scream (maybe only a few did, but ah it was loud enough for me to mistake it as a whole group so Idc), I felt touched and the feelings just pulsated in me. And maybe.. I felt really really proud? Seriously. I know everything has ended and the bonds we have forged may just fade away soon, but the memories stay in my heart always. I'll never forget that feeling. So yup, I really hope every single one of them enjoys Nanyang as much as I did and do, cause that would mean enjoying Nanyang A LOT.
Mm, back to the Shaolin movie, in the first half of the movie I already cried. Not teared, but cried. The tears just started flowing from me, I don't know why it was so serious though. Maybe I could associate with that feeling of loss? Haha, or the movie is just really awesome lah.
Mom's in Msia for CNY with relatives, so these few days, I've a chance to brood over things. That's not very good huh? But I feel like it nonetheless. Chyeah, who cares bout homework.
Cherish this short-lived holiday everyone, seriously. Vday soon! ^^
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