Love?

It's times like these when I seriously feel inhuman. Do I seriously know what love is? Any type of love, I mean. It all seems to be, implanted? in me, through education from birth. Or was I supposed to be taught to love?

Okay, don't read this if you think I'm going crazy, seriously. Sorry for wasting 10 seconds of yours on the previous sentences.

If you want to though, bear with me. Maybe it's the guilt, maybe it's the time now (I'm the only awake soul in the house), or maybe it's the stress. Guilt cause of so many things I've done, which.. I know I mentioned never to feel regret in the previous blogpost, but I find myself flouting what I say every single day. I never adhere to rules. Be it school rules, societal rules, or my own, I screw them every single day. And I hate myself for that. Why do I change so unpredictably? I never stay the same.

Love. My logic and whatever I've seen since I could think, be it fiction or non-fiction, tells me many people's (never all, cause I'm not one of them already) love doesn't change. They stay 'loyal', they stay faithful. I don't. My heart changes so easily, and it's not within my control. It scares me so bad.. I'm the kind who never loves for long, and this makes me so afraid to love at times as I consider my actions. It's real, I'm not afraid to admit this to anyone who may be reading this now: I might get sick of you, soon. I'm really sorry, but.. I don't know why, either. I detest myself so much for this..

Who's the longest close friend I've had? I don't think I've one. Is there any band/artiste I've stuck with since a long time ago? No. Any crushes - or even more sometimes - which have become real? No.

Even the one time I thought I loved with my life, I later found out that I never loved at all. I think it was just my mind.

Haha, wow. I remember joking the other day over how I would be able to get married, and not get a divorce. Now that I consider it seriously, that threat is for real. I don't think I'd be able to. And I always imagined having a friend who would be with me as we grew up, but no, I don't think it'd be possible.

I'm now feeling quite scared to post this, but.. These are the thoughts which run through my mind, and I feel the responsibility to let those who want to know find out. It's a warning, I guess?

I mean it everytime I say I like being a loner. Cause, a part of me tells me, that's the only way I won't hurt everyone else.

On top of this, there's nothing special about me. Academically, talent-wise, whatever. Okay, yes fine, I'm in a JC. But since the people I'm comparing against right now, would naturally be the other available people around me, then yes - I suck academically. Talent? What, sports? There are so many better sports people than me. Or I'd be in the volleyball team or smth now, winning trophies for the school. Looks? Haha not even worth mentioning. And what, as a friend? I admit, I find myself an awfully good friend at the start, but it usually runs out eventually.. I find myself scared of seeing that come, and it makes me put even more into the friendship from the very start. So, might as well make some other worthy friend rather than me, k?

I'm such a lousy daughter, student, friend right now. I don't help with housework, I don't turn up for lessons, I don't do my schoolwork, I don't talk much anymore.


Okay I think I'm going to go on forever, and I ..don't wanna cry. If you're thinking that I'm being dramatic over here, you're most welcome to never visit my blog again.

You didn't have to know all this.