Honestly?

Idgaf.


True friends stay. No, I'm not talking about anyone at all. I'm talking about me, I'm the one who doesn't stay.


-


I feel so angsty right now I can combust the moon into another Sun with the intensity of my emotions.


Exaggerating?
Lol, I don't give a f-




Restraint. Practice in progress. See whether by the end of A's my pent-up freakshit issues are higher, or my rank points.


I doubt it's the latter.


I SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY think I'm getting some mental problem
My head hurts.
I think anyone who sees this post will hesitate to talk to me the next time there's a need for them to.

Ah heck it. I really really wish I can survive this period though. I know I will, but it's two different things between knowing you will and feeling you won't. Because you're definitely lying to yourself either way, you just don't know which side to take and your heart and mind are in a match of tug-o-war.

Raw

You hold me by an invisible leash you call my future.

I hold myself back by something I know as an unspoken debt. One which will never be fully repaid.
And thus I go through the processes of which I don't enjoy. Question is, will, and should I let this vicious cycle continue?

Sew and rip, mend and rip

Here it is again. My not-a-care-in-the-world mood, fueled by hedonism. Yes, hedonism. Lol I learnt that word from the drilling of countless GP compre essays which had that word inside, speaking of it in a negative light.

But oh, come on. What's so bad about pursuing happiness? Seriously. Unless I got the meaning of the word wrong, which would explain why I rarely pass my vocabulary section of the paper. I dunno, lol. Whatever.

Hmm so blogger has a new layout? Tsk. Random.

There are so many things I wanna do after my A's.. But somehow, won't we all end up lazing at home despite the exciting and majestic plans we've conjured? Just like after the O's. Such is life ..though, I really wish I get down to doing the things I wanna do.

If I didn't remember wrongly, my after O's to-do-list comprised mainly shopping, playing, working, those kind of things. Maybe the after A's one will work out since it's kind of different, though there are bound to be some similarities of course. Like, working. I gotta save up. I've an amount which I'm gonna really hide and treasure because there's so much I need -- need, not want -- to do with it. I've drafted a spending 'itinerary' for it and they're a list of priorities. There are a few things inside which aren't exactly necessities, but they're priorities because I've considered how much I really want them, plus I really don't believe life is all about just fulfilling your needs but also your wants, so whatever. You gotta reward yourself from time to time. As long as it's not excessive, it should be fine.

Speaking of excessive, I'm taking an excessive break from mugging. Been slacking from yesterday afternoon till now. Oh dang. I hope I return to it later..

Back on topic, the amount I've saved so far isn't a lot, but it's decent. I set aside some money for prom, since we haven't paid the full amount, and also I think I'm gonna spend on the clothes (and makeup? Lol) as much as my mind screams that it's a waste of money. Okay, at least I prepared myself for it in advance, it shouldn't get too much out of hand haha.

And then there's overseas trips with cliques.........which I haven't set aside any money for. Dang. Dang. Dang  .______. There's Genting with the class clique, and then ..the unconfirmed trip with the floorball clique (which I wonder, by the way, if it'll even happen). Life is unpredictable. And I haven't really accepted this fact, though I've come to terms with it. 2 years ago in secondary school I would've been pulling my hair out over this, but no, not now. I guess you could call it maturing, but I call it becoming numb. I don't like how the people in the world work. They make me doubtful and cynical. Haha, angsty much?

Okay, and there are random stuff like an iPhone (I've wanted one since sooooo long ago, mehmeh), uh, university application fee to SNU, and.. I can't really remember. But nevermind. Then there's the stuff I wanna do in the 8(?) months (which hopefully really only needs time and not money). Haha mundane stuff like writing, watching dramas, catching up with friends (okay this prolly needs money), playing MapleStory (LOL I kind of look forward to this) and reading books and fics.

Oh, and not forgetting, leveled-up fangirling. Lalalalala. I know, I just had to ruin the to-do-list. (:

Waiting for the End - Linkin Park

This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control

Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last,
I wish it wasn't so

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And i don't even know what kind of things I've said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending is starting again

All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violet rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em
(Holding on to what i haven't got)

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear
(Holding on to what I haven't got)


-

“It's you who makes the world complicated,” he sternly corrected, “You learn in school that the world is complicated and will always be complicated, when in fact, it isn't. You learn math in school and are taught to only see the complexity in numbers, and dismiss the simplicity and elegance of getting the solution. You learn sociology, psychology and only see the complexities of the human affairs but ignore the simplicity of basic human needs that are the root cause of any human behavior. You learn science in school and are taught to observe the complex world around you, but are blind to the simplicity and wonder of the basic building blocks of all matter. Love, as in with every subject, the more you know about it, the more you find it simpler, ironically enough.” 

I agree... I agree.