Dirty hands to clean (clean hands to dirty)

So it's 10am now, the earliest I've ever composed a blog entry. It's been around 20 over hours without sleep, with 5+ hours of that spent drenched, and half of that spent being either being spattered by heavy rain or bone-chilled by harsh winds, or both. Not fun.

Which is why I'm beat now, but also why I've gained insights on certain things. I would sleep but I might lose the feel...

^ Ok lmao I fell asleep at that point.. It's 10pm now instead!

As I was saying.. Last night I was at East Coast Park for the Sundown 42KM route as a volunteer. While clapping non-stop (my wrists almost broke) for the runners, I started wondering what kind of people they all were. To participate in this kind of suicidal activity, you're either: i) really fit; ii) passionate; iii) trying to prove something; iv) not thinking; or v) suicidal. Of these I think the bulk who smiled or acknowledged our cheering efforts were the passionate people. And there were also skeptics who were all wth at why we continued cheering in our rain-soaked plight.. Lol. Nonetheless, I admire these people a lot. Finishers, especially. I can't say I admire you if you gave up, but if it's because of physical constraints (fainting, sprains) then ok fine. But it takes a hell lot of determination to push through all the way.. Something I lack.

Later on came a point when the race was ending and everyone's running (as in, operating) painfully on their energy reserves to make up for sleep. I personally think that's when most people show their true sides (some ugly) and today morning I got to experience that.

I think it's inherent of human nature that people never want to do the dirty jobs. That in itself is true of course, but my point is when it comes between choosing to do it yourself or pushing it to someone else. There were multiple instances of how, being tired and sleepy, people chose to push the unwanted duties to other people instead. It's damn ugly of these people, and even more so if you're in a leadership position. Leadership means leading by example. What are you if you lead by your mouth? Oh, come on.

Kinda bragging, but I know how during events I plan or things I lead in, I'll make sure to join in doing the shit jobs (aka sai kang) unless maybe I didn't view it as shit at all but someone else did.. I'm pretty sensitive about these things though so I hope not. But anyway, for people who don't, shame on you. You fail.

I don't understand how people are so.. dense! If you don't wanna do it, what makes you think someone else wants to?

Lol. All this confused rage is getting to me. On another note, accepted SMU Social Sciences! Really hoping and looking forward to learning more from Psychology.. /stares into your soul

Sort(ing) things out

Been trying to be a more organized person recently, and I think either trying isn't good enough, or I don't want it bad enough. Or are those the same essentially? Idk.

So, here's a few things coming up in my life! Well, for the sake of looking back in future and seeing if I've done these, or did I change my mind again like the fickle pickle I am. (LOL omg yes I just coined fickle pickle up ummmmm. Ignore that!)

1 I'm going to get a Class 2B license. AKA, I'm gonna learn motorbiking. Kinda crazy, but I've thought it through and I consider the reaping of its benefits more valuable than avoidance of the cons. Mom is kinda disapproving of it, but I've talked her into speechlessness so yeah. Pretty sure that even if I land in an accident in future (God forbid) I'll still look back and know that I wouldn't have chosen otherwise.

2 I'm going to get a helix piercing. Another unknown term??? Hahaha refer here. And also, dye my hair dark blue. I'm hoping it'll turn out really dark so that it's not AA, so aaaa fingers crossed! It's kinda amusing how #1 and #2 have been paikia things to do though, but I'm not trying to be badass or whatever, they just came together as a coincidence.

3 I'm going to accept SMU Social Sciences! This has kinda been on my list since forever so I don't think I'll choose otherwise, unless NUS suddenly decided to be charitable, or if NTU goes bonkers and accepts me even though I didn't turn up for their interview.. Then I might be a little wavered, but still, probably not. Gonna accept on 30 May just in case though.
Looking forward to learning Korean as a module (if you rolled your eyes at this I will help you roll them down the bowling alley) and also, will probably take Psychology as my major after the first year! I'll go around accessing people's mentalities with startling inaccuracy and convince them they belong to IMH. Yay.

4 JUNE HOLIDAYS!!!!! Which means what to me? Nothing, except that Vivien and Alicia will be more free and I kinda wanna arrange weekly badminton/bowling/swimming sessions with everyone! ^^ Fun fun fun, looking forward to the friday front seat or back seat blablah


Um ok so not many things after all.. They seem like a lot in my head. OH I KNOW WHY: because they take up a lot of money!!! Ok query addressed. Time to sleep. Good night!

P/s. #stuckonrepeat: Only Tears - Infinite

Control, among other things

I'm a strong believer of never letting your emotions get the better of you. It's good to release them once in a while, but it's just stupid to let them show in every situation.

Just had a small quarrel with an asshole, which btw was small only because I ended it. This asshole lives with me and flares up at my parents with the smallest sparks of inconvenience. And I've renounced my blood ties with him (in my mind, anyway) because I have lost every ounce of respect for him that this relationship holds, that is, I refuse to see him as more than the average acquaintance anymore.

My mom asked us just now if we wanted to go on a cruise, which she has been asking every other month since 2012 started. We kept deciding against it since it was kinda inconvenient for my brother's (I used to have two, for information's sake) family. So this asshole got all pissy saying 'we have to consider them again', to which my mom replied that her Genting member deal regulates that she only bring two guests anyway. At this point he gets more agitated and I think he doesn't get her implication so I clear things up; she's suggesting we three go. He now directs his anger toward how she's asking an useless question if she doesn't know the dates yet, which, c'mon, was her trying to get our opinions before wasting time to enquire about stuff. So she tries to placate him, talking about some weekend, not sure if their cruises are on the weekends, yada yada which I clarify with "They're a cruise for holidays, how could they not operate on weekends." and also because I've paid enough attention to the Star Cruise itinerary this year to know that they do. She goes on about how weekends are probably pegged with an extra charge, which she thinks is like, $78 (throughout, the exchange is filled with his questions that are delivered with so much piss, but I donwanna dedicate so many words to useless shit).

He one-sidedly concludes the discussion with "No need to go! Go need to throw away so much money already! Like play mahjong lose man-tai! (just for my laughs: he has been losing at mahjong recently) Not like never go before!" and my mom is thrown off. I rebutt, "I never go before." and I tell her that I can go with her and she should ask a good friend of hers along. She agrees and goes to the toilet.

Now he accuses me of wasting money. If there's one thing that pushes my buttons all at once, it's false accusations. I tell him I'm not. He says that if we go, I'm using our mom's money anyway. I defend myself saying that I will use my own money, which I have ever since I started working anyway! He angrily tells me to "PAY FOR THIS TRIP THEN!" and I tell him back, "I WILL." He goes speechless.

Then he brings in a new weapon. "If you're so rich, I don't need to buy a new laptop for you!" Oh, so his offer brings such perks to him huh. I admit here that I'm shameless and I accepted the offer because it's to my benefit. Why reject a piece of meat, even if it's offered by an acquaintance?

Here's why: it stabs you in the stomach. Not even from the back.

I relax my nerves at this point and I point out to him that if it's my mom and I, we don't have to worry about weekends, meaning it'll be cheap. Free, even, with the deal. Mom returns from the toilet just in time and I repeat it, if only to make him angrier that I just made use of his self-exclusion to my advantage. Win. My anger from before is extinguished and I hop into the room despite the terrible heat, a smirk plastered on my face.

And I can hear him clicking angrily (ie. loudly) while I tap on happily on my phone.

Yep. End of long narrative. BACK TO TOPIC -- if I had allowed my anger to reign, it'd have went another way. I would have told him that I DON'T NEED HIS STINKING MONEY to afford a laptop, and he would have taken my word for it, and I would have lost out. Instead, when I thought it through, I didn't, and I got a good kick out of it.

Ngl, that was damn satisfying. And this wraps up my l o n g g g blog post ^^

Moral confusion

I wanna propose a flipside to meritocracy. This theory may come across as farfetched, but since in chaos there is calm, I guess in exaggeration there lays the root of truth. Lmao, philosophical.

In society we have people. People function through the mind and heart -- heart as in emotions, not the blood pumping organ. There's logic VS. feelings. There's IQ and EQ. There's actual VS. perceived. And through development we've seemingly conjured an 'effective' means of measuring the actual lest assuming makes an ass out of u and me. Success is determined from results. You're given credit for producing the best out of yourself. Really?

No. Not really. Actually, you're given credit for outdoing others. For scoring higher. Running faster. For doing more. So when, unfortunately, you don't outdo someone else, even when you've produced your best, do you get credit? Well, rarely. Say you pass your subject for the VERY FIRST TIME, wow! But, you're still last among everyone. Is not the credit given to how the test seems easier than before? Maybe I'm skeptical, but prove me wrong.

And here's where the heart comes in: deep inside, you felt like you've worked yourself out. You've breathed the textbooks till you suffocated. But okay, you're last in class. Perhaps you could do better?

Wait! But you've done your best, right? And you're still last.. Well.. Maybe you could try even harder. And no one acknowledges you for your past effort, so maybe you didn't try very hard after all. Perhaps.

See? I think this happens, and people become wrecks when nothing further changes. Sometimes I think we need to open up to the truth that a limit has been reached, and change our methods, or take a different path entirely. To continue on is just to continue scraping layers off your self-esteem, and waste a whole lot of time and effort doing it.

Amirite? Or amirong. Well either way, I think we need a reminder that some things, like meritocracy, aren't always THE way. It's just the best way right now, and if we do consider the problems it holds we could possibly figure something better.

Psyche

Wow wow wow, here's an interesting (and supposedly, accurate) test for everyone to try. Idk who is reading my blog so hope this enlightens you somehow, if you haven't seen it from my twitter already. Though I privated that..

There are supposedly a few of these tests, so read this first:
http://www.hypnoid.com/psytestApr/

AND for the one test:
http://www.hypnoid.com/psytest2.html

Here's my diagnosis.... Lol.

You are in a perpetual quest to find the new, the exciting. Emotionally volatile, you are known for sudden changes of opinion, of appreciation, and behavior. Following rules and established methods is difficult for you and the difficulties of higher education are usually quite daunting. Knowledge is best gained through an intimate association with the matter at hand. Usually driven by attitudes and desires of the group, you are talented in an established field of endeavor. Emotions come and go without a strong understanding of their causes. They are unexpected guests in an otherwise placid landscape. You live by your own codes of conduct, which can be noble or terrible depending on the individual. Authority is meaningless to you. You hate to be predictable, at all costs. Rarely verbally effusive, you can at times feel as if your feelings are too deep for words. You are very observant, but rarely express these observations to others.

I'm not sure if I'm known for sudden changes of opinion blabla, but I myself do know. It kinda irks me to be honest, since I feel so inconsistent. And what does it mean by I'm 'talented in an established field of endeavor'? It means I'm suited to do something that's already widely pursued right now, instead of something new and creative? Hmm. Also, I wouldn't say I hate to be predictable, but I kinda love to be unpredictable. There's a difference, but at least it's right.

The test gives me a bad headache though.. My brain must feel violated, LOL.

Inside of us

What am I doing with my life? Yeah, this question comes to mind pretty often. It's not that I think of myself as wasteful, but rather, I think I can do more. Learn more, be more.

I lie to myself, at times I lie to people I love, and I think it's turning into a habit rather than an option. In the first place, it shouldn't have been the option I choose to go for. I could be more honest, I should face people. I should face myself.

Having a distraction's good, when I had other troubles to face. But now that I'm past the bulk of it, and committed myself to get past what's left; should I still continue? I have more important things to spend my life on. What do I do?

I mull over failures more than I should. And I brag more over successes than I should as well. I think humility is something I need: less arrogance, more perseverance.

And I need God. I need faith. I need hope. Most importantly, I need love.