Boyhood

Down with the flu and medicine makes me groggier and drowsier than ever... So today, I stayed at home instead of going for the usual Friday training. I was already having a headache from sleeping too much, but at the same time, I felt too lethargic to do actual work. After lazing around for the longest while, I decided on watching Boyhood.

For those who don't know, Boyhood is a movie shot over 12 years, documenting, as its name suggests -- the growing up of a boy. It's amazing because it the whole 12 years of it was shot with the same cast, and the script was never complete; it was always being discussed and improvised with the cast themselves, moulded around their own experiences. 

It's not a great movie per se, tbh. It doesn't bring you great joy nor sorrow, it doesn't make you excited, it doesn't entertain, it doesn't have stunning graphics.

What it does, though, is paint a startlingly reflective picture of life. Of my life, at least. It starts with the perplexity about adults from a kid's perspective; then, the slow (albeit still cruel) easing -- into a realization of the fragility of life, of relationships, of people and what they ever thought they were and wanted to be; and lastly, it ends with telling us how life is never really in your control.

It reinforces the whole "how do you know what you want is what you really want?" conundrum. And the eventual answer the film provides is: you'll ever only know what it is for this moment. The ending is sweet, quote-worthy, but well, it isn't an ending to me, because it doesn't close the story there. It's not a conclusion. Instead, it sort of is a progression, for the protagonist, and for me, the audience.

After watching it, I'm convinced it's not exactly a movie. Movie buffs are gonna be bored out of their minds. Instead, it's a creative and original medium that provokes your thoughts and makes you review your life -- if that's what you're looking for. I know I enjoyed it.

Trust

Try new things. Learn to go into anything without expectations, taking each step like you would a breather -- one by one. After all, no matter where or what you wander into, you'll always have God, and God will always have you.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. (‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭31‬:‭6‬ NIV)

Worth

So recently, I stopped using social media. I've been such an avid user since secondary school days -- Friendster, Facebook, Twitter, bla bla bla. You name it, I've used it. I realize I have so much to say about this now that I reflect upon it. When I left primary school, I told myself: I'm going to be a different person in secondary school. I'm going to make lots of friends, I'm going to make my life fun. I guess primary school wasn't very fulfilling for me, in the sense that I was mostly studying and my friendships were largely unmemorable. And so I entered the phase of life where we as humans learn the most and shape our own identities and kind of build the foundations of what we treasure and what we believe in. I entered this phase, thinking, I want to build connections. I want more people in my life.

I believe that's a large factor contributing to why I used social media so much. I was always searching for validation: for the comments on my pages, for the likes, for the assurance from my friends that they craved connection with me as much as I craved it with them. I was looking for security. And over the years I got better at it of course -- at figuring out what made people tick, at making friends, at building connections. In JC I loved it, I could talk to anyone and I didn't mind saying hi to people first, and that portrayed me as highly sociable, as having a large social circle. It had its drawbacks at that time, but that's a story for another day. More importantly, after all that, I've realized how much I was building my self-image based on what others see of me, and what I perceive of others.

People should have a healthy balance of self-worth and social worth. Entering university, I decided that I had enough of socializing, and I decided to focus on the friendships I already have. But the foundations that were built while growing up never really go away -- I still used social media fervently, and increasingly I found myself being bitter that I no longer had as much to show as before. I found myself envying the highly social lives that others led, and again, I felt like I was missing out. I felt small, and I felt unhappy.

That was when I chanced upon a quote, and here I paraphrase: social media makes you compare your everyday life to that of others' highlight reels. It may not matter this much to many of you, but for me, as someone who craves social validation, who builds an identity out of being social since a long time ago, it was extremely delibitating. I realized that if I truly wanted to focus on the friendships I already had, and to treasure this toned down social life I was choosing, I had to steer clear of comparison. I couldn't bring myself to delete the social media accounts themselves -- after all I had good memories recounted there too -- so, I deleted the apps from my phone. 

This simple act has changed so much, albeit being invisible to many others. I realized the something I've been missing out on: building my self-worth. I have to admit that it's been hard to adapt of course. I easily fall into the mental state of "oh I wish I could be more approved of by people", but then I kick myself and I remind myself: "no one will tell you you are worthy -- you're the only one who will tell yourself you're worthy". And I guess well sometimes people do tell me that I'm worthy (I thank God for the many great people in my life), but if I'm not telling myself that, then it's not going to be consistent. I need to stop letting external factors define me. I need to stop shaming myself for my failures and I need to stop being so worried about what people see of me. Instead, let's focus on the positives here: I need to believe that I am worthy. I need to learn to challenge myself and improve myself constantly. I need to be more self-centred. Self-centredness doesn't have to be negative, it can be a way through which I reflect upon myself and check my beliefs, my behavior, and what I portray. I can still focus on the relationships in my life, but I will constantly examine whether the part of it which has an effect on my social worth is overwhelming my self-worth.

It will be a challenge, and I have to say that it's never something anyone can truly "achieve", but I want to work towards it. Currently, I use my spare time to read up on the news, to listen to TED talks, and to chat with my friends privately. One thing I must mention is although I've never really read the Bible, God works in miraculous ways and He has really blessed me and helps me despite how I'm lacking, and now I read the Bible sometimes too. And I believe it's a good change. Let's hope it is! :)

/edit: relevant for me to revisit this article + for anyone who thinks they're too busy for things https://medium.com/thelist/the-cult-of-busy-bbb124caed51 

Snails

// typed December 7

This is strangely upsetting. So, I just saw a snail crossing a path, and like y'know, we've all gotten that thought in our heads about the poor snail taking so long to cross that they'll probably be stepped on before they do. And I briefly contemplated whether I should pick it up and put it on the other side. But I didn't. I wanted to, but I was walking away, three steps, five, I crossed the bridge over the canal and past a basketball court and I still thought that I should have. I kinda regretted it, but I thought it was no big deal. Law of attraction -- I immediately saw a poor squashed snail in the middle of the road. Wow. Way to go...

Some people say regret is the most useless emotion ever. For me, it works, because I only ever regret in hindsight when at that very moment, I thought it was right, but I didn't do it. I always tell myself never to regret what felt right at that moment, and I guess I kinda went against this principle. So, even though it's seemingly a small thing, it has deeper implications for me... Besides, I do kinda like snails lol. All they're ever doing is their best.