Worth

So recently, I stopped using social media. I've been such an avid user since secondary school days -- Friendster, Facebook, Twitter, bla bla bla. You name it, I've used it. I realize I have so much to say about this now that I reflect upon it. When I left primary school, I told myself: I'm going to be a different person in secondary school. I'm going to make lots of friends, I'm going to make my life fun. I guess primary school wasn't very fulfilling for me, in the sense that I was mostly studying and my friendships were largely unmemorable. And so I entered the phase of life where we as humans learn the most and shape our own identities and kind of build the foundations of what we treasure and what we believe in. I entered this phase, thinking, I want to build connections. I want more people in my life.

I believe that's a large factor contributing to why I used social media so much. I was always searching for validation: for the comments on my pages, for the likes, for the assurance from my friends that they craved connection with me as much as I craved it with them. I was looking for security. And over the years I got better at it of course -- at figuring out what made people tick, at making friends, at building connections. In JC I loved it, I could talk to anyone and I didn't mind saying hi to people first, and that portrayed me as highly sociable, as having a large social circle. It had its drawbacks at that time, but that's a story for another day. More importantly, after all that, I've realized how much I was building my self-image based on what others see of me, and what I perceive of others.

People should have a healthy balance of self-worth and social worth. Entering university, I decided that I had enough of socializing, and I decided to focus on the friendships I already have. But the foundations that were built while growing up never really go away -- I still used social media fervently, and increasingly I found myself being bitter that I no longer had as much to show as before. I found myself envying the highly social lives that others led, and again, I felt like I was missing out. I felt small, and I felt unhappy.

That was when I chanced upon a quote, and here I paraphrase: social media makes you compare your everyday life to that of others' highlight reels. It may not matter this much to many of you, but for me, as someone who craves social validation, who builds an identity out of being social since a long time ago, it was extremely delibitating. I realized that if I truly wanted to focus on the friendships I already had, and to treasure this toned down social life I was choosing, I had to steer clear of comparison. I couldn't bring myself to delete the social media accounts themselves -- after all I had good memories recounted there too -- so, I deleted the apps from my phone. 

This simple act has changed so much, albeit being invisible to many others. I realized the something I've been missing out on: building my self-worth. I have to admit that it's been hard to adapt of course. I easily fall into the mental state of "oh I wish I could be more approved of by people", but then I kick myself and I remind myself: "no one will tell you you are worthy -- you're the only one who will tell yourself you're worthy". And I guess well sometimes people do tell me that I'm worthy (I thank God for the many great people in my life), but if I'm not telling myself that, then it's not going to be consistent. I need to stop letting external factors define me. I need to stop shaming myself for my failures and I need to stop being so worried about what people see of me. Instead, let's focus on the positives here: I need to believe that I am worthy. I need to learn to challenge myself and improve myself constantly. I need to be more self-centred. Self-centredness doesn't have to be negative, it can be a way through which I reflect upon myself and check my beliefs, my behavior, and what I portray. I can still focus on the relationships in my life, but I will constantly examine whether the part of it which has an effect on my social worth is overwhelming my self-worth.

It will be a challenge, and I have to say that it's never something anyone can truly "achieve", but I want to work towards it. Currently, I use my spare time to read up on the news, to listen to TED talks, and to chat with my friends privately. One thing I must mention is although I've never really read the Bible, God works in miraculous ways and He has really blessed me and helps me despite how I'm lacking, and now I read the Bible sometimes too. And I believe it's a good change. Let's hope it is! :)

/edit: relevant for me to revisit this article + for anyone who thinks they're too busy for things https://medium.com/thelist/the-cult-of-busy-bbb124caed51