immature

i'm 24, but i feel like i'm 18 in my head. or maybe 16, not that i can tell much of a difference. the same problems plague me, and i still haven't figured how to overcome them. or if i should learn to accept them — which camp do i go with, to better myself unrelentingly or to embrace my shortcomings? i still often find myself unable to piece my thoughts together properly, falling short of a rational decision and having to withstand the deep sense of shame that comes thereafter. yet i'm weak to criticism, harboring more indignance than humility, i swear to myself never to commit certain mistakes again, not for the reward of a job well done but instead for the warped satisfaction of leaving critics unable to bring up the topic again. and curse them if they dare take any credit for mere words they've said.

see, even now i'm bitter, unable to see things from a wider perspective. my ego's too big for my age, and gargantuan for my mental age. i haven't made birthday wishes in a long time, but this time, i wish i could reign in my feelings better in favor of logic and principles. i'm guided far too heavily by my heart and my head can't keep up. i wish i could feel a little less like this.

Passing

In the mornings when I’m crossing the road near the station, it's sometimes with this old lady. The first time I saw her, she was inching closer and closer to the edge of the pavement, and I wondered why she was so eager and in a rush to cross, a trait I’ve seen so often in my own mother.

The lights switched and it turned out that the inching was more of a hobbling, as she could only take small, shaky steps to walk. The small grocery trolley she had in front of her was for support rather than storage. I wasn't sure if the time was enough for her to make it across. I slowed my steps, lagging behind strangers, but I was still quicker, and if I slowed some more it wouldn't be any more obvious that I was watching her, which for some reason seemed like a bad thing at the time.

I stepped onto the other side. throwing glances back, I saw that she needed just a few more seconds, and the waiting cars thankfully gave her that.

…every time I see her, I feel an inexplicable sense of sadness. I don't think I pity her, because she tries her best, and I’m not going to assume or imagine that things aren't great at home for her. I wonder, with slight suspect, if it's because everyone else walks by with their faces in their phones, not showing a sliver of concern, or just hiding it. Maybe someone else looked back and I missed it, because I, too, walked ahead seemingly uncaringly.

Or maybe, I feel pity for myself, that I see more gusto and push in her than in me.

Too much of anything is a bad thing

I wouldn't say I concluded too early, but first impressions don't always go a long way, I guess. I'm tired. Work is stressful, and it's getting more difficult to wake up every day. Minor inconveniences become major annoyances, and small mistakes make a lasting impact. Perhaps because I loved the job so much at the start, expectations rose too high and setbacks become all the more stark now. I also invested too much in it, and the tough thing to acknowledge is that investment doesn't equal returns.

On the other hand, I'm a position where people have expectations of me, not to do well, but to do. To do, and do, and do, and do even more. Yeah, everyone's who's an employee goes through that. But some people are good at saying no, and I'm not. I'm trying to work on it, but God, it's so difficult. It's easy for me to talk to people, and to get close, and precisely because of this, it comes with the price of being eager to please in order to maintain those social relations. I genuinely want to know people and to treat them well. But I'm still learning where to draw the line, because it's easy to be taken advantage of in a world where everyone's overworked and running on too little resources. 

Another thing that irks me is if I make too many mistakes. Mistakes are unavoidable, yes, but when does it get too many to be acceptable? It sucks the worst when you think you're right, and you double check, and it still seems right, but it turns out you're wrong, and suddenly it all seems extremely obvious once it's pointed out to you. This causes a kind of paranoia that I already think cripples me: when things are done right yet I get a nagging feeling that I'm wrong, and the tendency to immediately conclude that it's my fault whenever something goes wrong. Sometimes you just can't backtrack enough to know what went wrong, so yeah, it ends up being your fault anyway. It feels pathetic.

I'm ranting, which is irritating. I want these feelings to all go away, please. Less seriousness, but more professionalism, if that makes sense.

Where we've made our home

Came across this viral post of a short essay written by Cassandra Hsiao for her applications to college, and it's moving to say the least. Differences are mocked at, but if we learnt to be more open and strong, it could be something that weaves us together. Post here: https://twitter.com/zafirahhanis/status/850584217259876356

Two weeks have passed since I started work! I'm thankful, because I'm blessed with helpful and inclusive colleagues, and the job matter has been engaging and just challenging enough to keep me on my toes. Time flew by every day to the extent that I often didn't realize it was already lunchtime or 6pm. Every night, I go to sleep and wake up feeling expectant for the new day. What more could I ask for?

Well today, it hit me that as patient and understanding my boss and colleagues have been towards my ignorance of the operational and technical aspects of my work, why haven't I been equally so to my mom when it comes to technology and the like? It's not something she grew up with and developed an aptitude for, just like how I had no background in my job. I should be guiding her and answering her questions patiently too, shouldn't I?

Interaction with family triggers the uglier side of you because you're comfortable enough to let your guard down, but even so, is it warranted and justified? It's something I need to ask of myself; to be more conscious and understanding of these differences in circumstances, not just selfishly as a new employee, but considerately, as a daughter, sister, and a person. 

Firsts

So today my niece, Jo'en, told us she's being bullied at school. Name-calling, specifically, and while I don't know the extent to which adult intervention is justified, I don't think any amount of shaming is good for a kid at all.

I suppose the best we can do for her as of now is to listen and support her, because right now, the bright side of it all is that she's actually telling us instead of hiding it in shame. That at least shows that she's not internalizing the blame, thinking she did something wrong to deserve such treatment. 

That leads me to wonder about how I'll be treated when I start work (it begins tomorrow!!!! AHH). I don't thrive on good social ties, but I sure as hell wither without it. I wanna make a great first impression without coming across as too tryhard, but ultimately it all comes down to the kind of people my colleagues are, which I can't control. 

Ah well. Wish us luck!

Next track

I briefly considered starting a new blog for my thoughts, but easily I came to the conclusion that I'd prefer to keep it all in one place; from my cringey teenage self to when I struggled with emotions and burdens that were over my head. I am who I am because of everything I've said, done, felt, everything I've not, and everyone else. And this isn't a place to showcase myself, but to reflect and muse, which I've done largely in my own head for the two years that've lapsed since my last post. (Wow, it's 2017 already? I've lived 24 years? Wow.)

So, new phase of my life, next track in the album. Ha, title is kind of a throwback to the old URL of this blog (I called it playpauseforward back in da dayz). But I digress. 

I graduated from university, travelled a ton, hopefully matured, and now, I'm set to start work in my first full-time position in my life. Some moments I feel expectant for what is to come, and with some discipline, the positivity sustains for rather long moments. But when I'm not conscious, the unsettled feelings easily creep up -- the discomfort of an uncertain future, the possibility of difficulties to come. Thankfully, self-awareness is a strength of mine, and times like those I remind myself of a quote: "Discomfort is the compass to growth." I pen this here in the hopes that future me will re-read this and find renewed strength and motivation.

There's so much I wanna say now that I've started writing, but I'll keep it succinct. Read an article today that offered relevant advice: stop judging actions, thoughts and decisions as 'good' versus 'bad', but rather, evaluate whether they take you a step closer to achieving your intended goals.

Hmm, now... What do I really wanna achieve?