Passing

In the mornings when I’m crossing the road near the station, it's sometimes with this old lady. The first time I saw her, she was inching closer and closer to the edge of the pavement, and I wondered why she was so eager and in a rush to cross, a trait I’ve seen so often in my own mother.

The lights switched and it turned out that the inching was more of a hobbling, as she could only take small, shaky steps to walk. The small grocery trolley she had in front of her was for support rather than storage. I wasn't sure if the time was enough for her to make it across. I slowed my steps, lagging behind strangers, but I was still quicker, and if I slowed some more it wouldn't be any more obvious that I was watching her, which for some reason seemed like a bad thing at the time.

I stepped onto the other side. throwing glances back, I saw that she needed just a few more seconds, and the waiting cars thankfully gave her that.

…every time I see her, I feel an inexplicable sense of sadness. I don't think I pity her, because she tries her best, and I’m not going to assume or imagine that things aren't great at home for her. I wonder, with slight suspect, if it's because everyone else walks by with their faces in their phones, not showing a sliver of concern, or just hiding it. Maybe someone else looked back and I missed it, because I, too, walked ahead seemingly uncaringly.

Or maybe, I feel pity for myself, that I see more gusto and push in her than in me.

Too much of anything is a bad thing

I wouldn't say I concluded too early, but first impressions don't always go a long way, I guess. I'm tired. Work is stressful, and it's getting more difficult to wake up every day. Minor inconveniences become major annoyances, and small mistakes make a lasting impact. Perhaps because I loved the job so much at the start, expectations rose too high and setbacks become all the more stark now. I also invested too much in it, and the tough thing to acknowledge is that investment doesn't equal returns.

On the other hand, I'm a position where people have expectations of me, not to do well, but to do. To do, and do, and do, and do even more. Yeah, everyone's who's an employee goes through that. But some people are good at saying no, and I'm not. I'm trying to work on it, but God, it's so difficult. It's easy for me to talk to people, and to get close, and precisely because of this, it comes with the price of being eager to please in order to maintain those social relations. I genuinely want to know people and to treat them well. But I'm still learning where to draw the line, because it's easy to be taken advantage of in a world where everyone's overworked and running on too little resources. 

Another thing that irks me is if I make too many mistakes. Mistakes are unavoidable, yes, but when does it get too many to be acceptable? It sucks the worst when you think you're right, and you double check, and it still seems right, but it turns out you're wrong, and suddenly it all seems extremely obvious once it's pointed out to you. This causes a kind of paranoia that I already think cripples me: when things are done right yet I get a nagging feeling that I'm wrong, and the tendency to immediately conclude that it's my fault whenever something goes wrong. Sometimes you just can't backtrack enough to know what went wrong, so yeah, it ends up being your fault anyway. It feels pathetic.

I'm ranting, which is irritating. I want these feelings to all go away, please. Less seriousness, but more professionalism, if that makes sense.