you paint sunshine yellow over a wall of grey

i'm too egoistic. always wanting to look put-together without trying too hard, and not just physically, but emotionally, intellectually, morally. yet it's fragile this way -- i don't take pride in it, so i don't safeguard it, and it ends up being a paper wall against the wind.

it's tough to admit i'm weak, which is hypocritical since i tell people that it's ok to have moments of weaknesses and vulnerability. always easier said than done, huh? i convince myself all the time that failing's alright and falling's alright and that i'm alright, but honest to God sometimes i'm fucking not. i just don't want to explain how i sometimes don't even know what's wrong with me, and i don't wanna admit how sometimes whatever people say doesn't cheer me up but i feel obliged to act like i feel better, and me, it's always about what /i/ want, what /i/ feel, which is perhaps human instinct but i hate it all the same.