躺平

several things are bad right now. i’m not going to talk about the worst one because i’m not ready, so let me just talk about some of the others and some thoughts.

- i’m coughing so much. it’s been over three months and still i can manage to wheeze and hack and cough out phlegm. what the fuck.

- my neck and shoulder injury was almost fully healed after tcm sessions costing over $700 and me lying there terrified during acupuncture, bearing with the pain during tuina, and yesterday, they said i could do some bone setting for longer term benefits, and it felt euphoric and i felt painless after and almost like i was floating. but because i was feeling like shit from other ongoing events i just mindlessly chose to roll around on the floor doomscrolling my phone without a pillow to support my head, and within the same session, my neck/shoulder went back to feeling freshly injured. i’m so angered by this and i don’t know if it was my posture or if it was the bone setting, or what. fuck man.

- the coughing motion hurts the neck/shoulder and i’m miserable. and my head hurts too because i’m so tense and unwell.

- last night after my injury going back to square one i attempted to stick medicated plasters. i struggled so hard to stick it on the spot i wanted by myself. and then i remembered: 1) how impatient and mean i often was to my mom when she asked me for help with sticking the plasters, to the point that she would struggle to stick them herself even when i was in the same room; and 2) how i’m no longer home to help her with it anymore, even if she wants me to. i ended up wasting a piece because it stuck together to itself in my struggle, and i felt so helpless and lonely. but when it happened to my mom, i was always completely apathetic and honestly just uncaring. what the fuck? i am so selfish.

- these few days on reddit there have been several suicide or death related posts. i was sad for one person in particular who was suicidal and i shared what i could to dissuade them, having been on that end before. but that was manageable. what shook me most was a question asking if we could choose how to die, how it would be. i immediately had an answer in mind, and as someone on reddit does, i scrolled through the comments looking for my answer so that i could upvote it. but, i couldn’t find it. i think my answer is that i would like to be wiped from existence. when higher dimensions can be entered (like in Three Body Problem), i want to be wiped across space and time. so it’s like i’ve never existed, so that nobody has to mourn for me. i don’t want to be remembered, i don’t want to be forgotten, i just want to cease to exist. that would be amazing, but chances of achieving that scientifically or technologically in my lifetime is near zero, so…