Man of steel

I'm just so tired. No one understands the amount of consideration I put into my decisions. If even superheroes get tired, what more me?

Normalcy

Fear is a figment of your imagination. Danger is real, and very pressing, but fear is not. Fear cripples you in the face of danger.

I learnt this from watching After Earth, and it's funny because it may very well be my only takeaway from the film. It was pretty mediocre I gotta say! Thankfully the company wasn't. :)

Fear stops us from many things. It's okay to acknowledge danger (in fact, it saves our lives), but we have too many unneeded fears that, instead of keeping us alive, prevent us from being more alive. Fear is a figment of our own imagination. We're keeping ourselves from leading fulfilling lives.

Ever heard of the law of attraction? I just started reading a self-improvement book (heheheh) and it says that when you think happy thoughts, you meet happy events. Of course you'd think this is bull, "Wtf man I also think I will do very well but in the end like shit!" But hey. Look at how negative you're being! You think that one positive thought is enough to change things? No. It isn't! You have to be a positive person through and through to achieve things. Be courageous, be adventurous, be happy. Believe sincerely that you'd be. Everything is all in the mind. If fear can cripple you, faith can change things and move mountains ya.

Burning

I'm like setting everything on fire. How apt is it that I'm having a fever now... I'm setting off sparks, starting fires, fanning them bigger. I'm doing crazy things.

I need to stop, I'm scorching myself. And it hurts, much more differently than what appears to be surface level.

I'm crazy.

Upstream

Whenever I see people posting stuff along the lines of "The people who smile the widest are the saddest", I always feel sad. Part of me tries to agree with it since I do feel sad very often, but then again, who doesn't feel down once in a while? And so I feel like saying that or agreeing to that is ... not legit. C'mon, I don't want to be seen as secretly hurting when I smile. I want to really be happy. If I see any more of that, I'm going to end up always pitying myself when I smile, which is gonna be always... Sigh, lol. Humans are bundles of contradictions.

These walls around us

So many things in my mind, but there aren't really any words to say. It's hard for me to express myself properly sometimes because, my thought processes don't seem to occur in words. They're more of feelings and memories and scenes and jumbled concepts I'm not even sure about myself. And I can't even imagine fully explaining this in words. It's impossible.

Sometimes I tweet about things and I wonder if anyone really knows what I'm trying to convey. I'm not saying I need everyone to, because I honestly don't want that kind of transparency, but I wish I'd know if someone understood. If someone understands. But nah. Everyone's a complexly woven soul and it's best you explain what you are through your own efforts. I wish it was easier though, since expression's not my forte.

One thing I wanted to tweet today but decided not to:

"We sway like the trees in the wake of breezes"

Lol sorry if I tried too hard to be poetic, I really really like pretty vocabulary..... That aside, I was trying to say.. Um. When soft winds blow past a tree, the tree tilts in that certain direction. When that passes, the tree that is still rooted firmly in morals, in values, in opinions, un-tilts and sways a little from that momentum. This goes on that way whenever there are breezes. What it takes to uproot this tree -- this person -- is to wait for a typhoon or hurricane. But the more roots you have, the more morals, values, experiences, the harder for that to happen. You will always sway, but you won't be rudely unrooted.

How rooted am I? I wish I knew.

Bury me in your ashes.

There is only so much I can take. Usually my tolerance level is wider than the world, but when I'm sick, it's barely the size of a pea. I wish I could scream at you to stop torturing me, because I hate how the smell sears through my nose, how it clouds my thinking and makes it hard to breathe. Usually it's okay. But not when I'm sick. Please. Not when I have a deadline to meet and I just wish to get it over and done with, not when my head is pounding, not when I asked you to stop it yet you come out with a second stick, as if determined to sicken me. I don't know if you know that I won't scream. I can't scream.

I hate confrontations, because the only way I fight for me is through crying.

If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity

Some may find it intrusive, but I think it's good to have a hand yanking you back when you're so close to the edge. Falling off is.. scary.

When you fall, you don't die. Instead, you lose something in you, and it gets replaced by a haunting. This haunting consumes you like a poison from your insides, and changes you entirely in ways you'll never forget.

Thankfully though, you will make it through. But that journey was so hard alone, I'm sure I don't want anyone else to go through that again without some company.

I will bruise your arm if it saves your heart.

Marina Abramovic

Everyone has a purpose in life, no matter how absurd.

But thinking about it, I don't want to just have one purpose in life. I want more. I want to have the best of all worlds, loving all there is to love, living all there is to live. I want to travel, I want to bring the people I love along, I want to make them happy, I want to make strangers happy, I want to go to the North Pole and just laugh at penguins for a day. Too simple? Who defines how a purpose should be? Noble? Ambitious?

Now, who's daring enough to just be content with the simplest things? And hey, not everyone can laugh at penguins for one whole day okay. I am going to achieve that. While everyone tries to fit into the high-achiever mold, my heart is too restless to conform.

I shall die with sun-kissed skin and signs of adventure on my body, not of old age and ailing limbs.

neither here nor there

Please forgive my terrible post on 大年初二.

Fuck.

I am in a damn bad mood. And it's infuriating me more that the harder I try to break out of it, the worse I feel. I guess I am convinced that my new year is starting out bad, which is leading me into a downward spiral. Shit.

You'd think you know

New year, new things to mull over (yay!)

Lmao okay justtt kidding, not going to start my year with an awful sulky post. I ended 2012 pretty happily (on hindsight). Hindsight because, while they hadn't been the greatest things to go through, the aftertastes were sweet, lolol.

Went to Taipei from 20-27 December with my parents and 2nd bro! It was freezing, mom and I were coughing our lungs our majority of the time, bro was throwing his stupid adult tantrums, dad smoked like 10 packs and finished two bottles of liquor, but -- we had a great time. And I really appreciate and thank God for it. There were many things to worry about, but they became the good parts of this trip (: Firstly, my parents aren't on good terms, so it really came as a surprise when they got along well together during the trip. I mean... I actually felt warm in my heart looking at them, for the first time in my entire life.

And then there's my mom's knee injury (less than a year back, she crushed her kneecap from a fall) which I was worrying would cause her to have difficulty moving around, but wow, no it didn't. I felt so happy to have helped her around, supporting her down stairs, looking out for uneven ground she may stumble over. It felt like what it should -- a child, now an adult, caring for her parent who's grown old. Perhaps my mom was hiding it from us before, Idk, but after we returned to Singapore she's started to whine about it hurting LOL. Something about Taipei is magical....?

Then on the 29th, I went as a spectator to the AVFC (Asian Varsity Fencing Competition), organized by our very own SMU fencing club!!!, and it was really enriching. International level fencers pitting their skills against one another and I got the front row view ok! All the zaikias. Then on the 30th, we had a fencing Christmas party at Sentosa Cove (the house was amazing, I can't even....) and there was hilarious shit thanks (or no thanks) to the alcohol. It was fun, but I'm not sure I wanna stay in such a big house permanently... Doesn't it get lonely?

And on the last day.... Tsk. Was supposed to meet the 1013 clique for countdown but cancelled because it started raining. Bummer. And so I bummed around at home. Which... was really quite fun by my standards. LOL.

Yup that sums up my happy end of 2012~

New year resolution? BE LESS OF A SLOTH.

.......... nah I doubt it.

Twitter: "The gym will be especially crowded today with people who will then give up on their new year's resolution like, three weeks later."

Me: I bet five bucks it's three DAYS later, cmon.

Kbyeeee I guess the least I could do is try to sleep earlier... NIGHTS n_n

Avoidance

Are the feelings we feel because of habits, beliefs, personality or conditioning? Ok this is such a wtf question, I know, but I do wonder. I'm a little avoidant of commitments and of zeal towards myself, and I have no idea why. Is it part of my personality, like, am I supposed to change it? Perhaps I shouldn't change who I am, but if it causes me discomfort, and to an extent, fear, do I just accept it? Though there really is no benefit to liking attention, honestly. So I have no idea.

Confusion, confusion.

Is it fatigue or are these tears

Perhaps it's the wrong time to think about all that's went wrong. And no, I'm not talking about 4AM. I've been pretending to be too indifferent that it might actually be becoming real in me, and that just sucks. I don't know where to look now. It's like getting lost in a forest; no matter where you look, every tree looks the same, what more when your vision is blurred?

-

Sorry mom. It doesn't matter who's fault it is, but that both of us are hurt. And that sucks. Is it worse that we left the house empty, or that we both left the house feeling empty?

Cryptic post: don't read if hate confusion

Everyone has their demons. Things we've done, things we've felt and knew, things we thought would come but never did. Things...people. People we know, knew; miss, missed; love, loved -- basically people of our past and present.

There was a memorable once. There were then another few times the lines blurred, but I set them bold in ink.

I need to start expecting.

"Nothing good ever happens after 2am"

Or so what How I Met Your Mother advocates.

Nope, I don't watch it, and no, I'm not going to be watching it anytime in the near future. No motivation to. But true enough, though my efficiency peaks around the same timeframe of 2AM to ungodly ~5AM, so do my emotional levels. It's the kind of timing you reminisce and find yourself missing every small memory, and wonder what you're doing with yourself -- even if life isn't currently all that bad.

I can't help it right now though. Had a Salted Caramel Frappe in the afternoon (it's on a 1-for-1 promo at Starbucks this entire week) and then some iced tea for dinner, and then, Tom N Tom's Caramel Macchiato at night. The overconsumption of caffeine never occured to me until insomnia kicked in.. It's 5AM now and I feel tired, but awake, albeit dazedly. I've refreshed all there is to refresh on Twitter, resorted to checking Facebook out, read several ThoughtCatalog articles and even watched an episode of a HK drama without audio. But nope, I'm still here, typing away.

Ok, blogging helps. I feel sleepy now. Goodnight ....or morning.

Dirty breaks

Everything needs getting used to. A new environment, new people to talk to, new things to do. At the same time, you've to get rid of the habits from your old environment, handle the absence of your previous daily companions, and stop missing those feelings you once had. Perhaps not entirely, but yeah.

It's hard to do. God pampered me in JC, and now I'm spoilt, slightly sad that things aren't going as smoothly. Here, there are so many things to cope with, time is such a scarce resource; you'd wish your closest friends were always by your side again. Uni life is so hectic that people rush and go -- classes are for paying attention, meetings are for focused discussion, meals are just for filling up your tummies... When did relationships become so hard to build?

I'm gonna admit, there's been a vague emptiness in me ever since school started. Of course, there are great people whom I have had the fortune to know, but there doesn't seem to be enough time for the bonds to fortify. Maybe I'm too impatient? Lol if only I could have them all be in the same classes as me.. Well until then, the emptiness is here to stay.

Who among us lie

I used to be so self-righteous and always thought that I tried my best while people were the ones failing me. Well now that I think back on it, that's one major assholey reason why I used to be so (secretly) angsty...

I mean, it definitely got better over time and now while I appreciate my own strengths and note my weaknesses, I just believe that no one owes me and I owe no one hahaha. Although that old trait creeps up sometimes, and unavoidably I get disappointed, but I get over it much sooner as well.

ON A LESS SOLEMN MOTE. I MEAN, NOTE. What's a mote anyway, I only know moat.

(...just kidding I don't know what's moat either)

WEEK ONE OF SCHOOL IS OVER WOOHOO I AM A #SURVIVOR!

University life has been damn different. Seminar style teaching (uh well I had a taste of this back in ELL), three-hour lessons, afternoon classes, huge maze of a school, class participation, new friends andddd NOT forgetting aircon -- the experience so far has been amazing and slightly surreal. I wouldn't say that it's been wow, but what's there to be wow about anyway? I'm content with it hahaha.

Sleepiness definitely hasn't stopped plaguing me though! Nodding off when profs are looking elsewhere then staring wide-eyed at them when they look in my direction has been routine for me hahaha. How the hell do people stay awake.. Doing it takes all my concentration that I can't even process the info being relayed to us lor ;/ ...what? Sleep what? Earl? Earlee? Earl tea?

I prefer chinese tea, it's okay! Gonna go brew some and go on with my activities, THE NIGHT IS STILL YOUNG, YES?

Yes.

안녕!!!! 뿅

/Edit: While making sure I used the right word back there I Google Translate-d 뿅 and it gave an otherworldly translation. So to prevent any misunderstandings I would like to clarify that the word, "ppyong" is a sound effect for disappearing. Sadly, I'm not so kinky.

Long absences forget, short absences remind

Recently came back from Social Science camp and I have to say I enjoyed it. Perhaps we weren't the most enthusiastic nor sporting of all, but looking long-term I can tell that these people are ones I'd more than willingly spend time with. And that's more than I could ask for really.

Back to the point; having been away from my family for three days has reminded me of how much I miss them. It's honestly not much to most people, but they're (my fam) such an integral part of my daily life that 1) not seeing them makes me feel a void 2) when I do see them, I take the fortune for granted. I guess everyone needs such cooloff periods from time to time to sustain relationships? Meanwhile, they can't be too long that you get used to the absence, of course.

R A N D O M Z:

#1 I got a new pillow and it's so high my neck is surely gonna break one of these days..

#2 Hooked on For The First Time by The Script. Hey sorry that I'm outdated man. I can't control the timing of my feelings!

#3 Falling in love with cats (because of Shiqi's). My nose itches damn bad cause of the fur though. I think.

#4 I want to play pool!!!!!!!11!1!1!!!

#5 I love my mom.

#6 This is

#7 getting

#8 out of

#9 hand

BYE.

Food for thought

Oriana Fallaci: “True power does not need arrogance, a long beard and a barking voice. True power strangles you with silk ribbons, charm, and intelligence.”