Shall we take a trip and enjoy the view?

"It's not the strong who survive, it's the ones who survive that are strong."

Just attended my brother's graduation ceremony and for some reason, I found myself feeling really scared throughout. Not of the people around me, not of the atmosphere, not of anything there, but of what was to come. It's weird because this seems to be the direction I've always wanted myself to go -- to SMU, to Social Sciences, and so on. But precisely because I seem to have expectations of it, I'm getting scared of being disappointed.

All my life, things have always been going in directions askew of what I've wanted. PSLE, O's, A's, JC instead of Poly, etc., and finally one thing went right: I got into the School of Social Science. The difference is that when things don't go my way, I tend to make the best of it, and when they do, I lose myself and screw things up. It's been obvious in the years of my life which I can remember. I had damn a lot of fun in JC especially, which I completely abhorred getting into; yet my best friends are all from NY. Well yeah, my results were terrible, but I can't say that I regret anything in the end.

Yet so far, the experience of uni I've had is off the mark. I don't wanna harp on it anymore, but I think I'm expecting so much that any bad thing that comes my way just throws me off. The law of attraction states that good thoughts bring good things, so what exactly am I thinking wrong? I presume I need to completely shrug off the bad events, and focus damn hard on the good ones so much so I'm blind and numb to negativity. (Does this make me an escapist, again, though?)

Lol GAH I'm gonna go crazy at this rate. Someone enlighten me? Or maybe not, I'll drive you crazy too with the persistence I put into my views. I respect all the people who've gotten through all the self-doubt and whatever issues and emerged honorably victorious (like literally 'honorably', like with honors lmao). Let's hope I survive well for the coming years.

Damn

Ahhhhhhhhh lol it's another angsty(?) post! Vivien was telling me that Scorpios tend to think too much, which is true........

So while on my way home just now I had this feeling that my mom would assume wrongly again that I'm not eating dinner with her, and my frustration already sparked despite it being just a feeling, which I know is my fault. I was thinking about how I always went out of the way to make time to go home for dinner because I hated any thought of my mom feeling lonely, and I made sure to inform her whenever I wasn't going to. It seems though that she doesn't register it at all, and hoping my gut feeling would prove wrong I reached home.

Ended up I was right. It really sucks to be right in such cases.. She was playing mahjong, and the moment I reached home her overfriendly friend teased, (in Mandarin) "Aiya girl, never call before you come back, can help us go pick up the food!" which also means they ordered already. Without me. I just laughed (in submission to my fate, maybe) and when my mom was about to leave to get the food, I offered to help her. She asked if I ate and I tend to give roundabout answers when I'm hurt/angry, so I said never mind. Without probing she returned to playing and I overheard her saying, "She ate herself already la, she knows I'd be playing mahjong,". No, I don't know ok. I'm not psychic. And I know I'd DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY call  beforehand to inform her if I'm eating out.

Whoever's reading this, you'll probably find me sensitive/petty/etc., but don't you agree that the worst frustrations are built up from the smallest things? I'm just wondering if all the extra effort I put into being considerate for her is needed at all. I could very well be like a friend of mine who eats out at her will, without telling her mom until she calls to ask. She's happy and her mom is pretty used to it. Is this something I would do though? No.

It's something I often question myself over because even though I feel so freaking disheartened sometimes, my morals? principles? tell me to continue; after all she is the person I love the most and owe at least so much to. And also, I wished I thought about things less, because life is so damn miserable (at times), really.

HAHAHA

Okay so I WAS going to post a normal emo thinking full of shit post but I just read Shiqi's blog and was DAMN fascinated by her posts so...... hahahaha will try it out too. It's a good way of getting over the trauma that was my orientation aka Freshmen Teambuilding Camp.

So I went there all groggy on the first day at 730AM like I DON'T WANNA DO ANYTHING

When people actually initiated conversation I said hi

but I'm too awkward. Then they'll go away and I think

WOW THEY TALKED TO ME

Sadly I'm too unwilling to reciprocate so my face was always

and when people talk in groups I can't be heard so I can only look at them and

Ended up most of the time I was just the person at the back.

and I thought

so occasionally I tried going something like

but no one noticed so

but really in my heart........

Also the toilets are

Just saying. Anyway while we were playing games and people looked at me I was like

then they'd talk to me. But I would only just be "ok"

instead of

which is what they would have wanted, so they turn away again and naturally I return to

Occasionally looking at people having fun and joking happily like

I bitterly think

but I have to laugh out of politeness so

when actually

Thennnnnn on the second day we had the Finale Night; people went all

and this guy even did a b-boy headstand and I thought he fell down so I was

but no he didn't so thankfully I went

But without proper friends I still couldn't have fun so I really wanted to go home

People would ask me what's wrong but I look at 'dem and

No no, nothing's wrong....!

AND IT'S SRSLY OK BECAUSE I DANCE ALONE FINE

Finally on the last day we had this writing activity where you passed a notebook w your name around and I peeked at other people's....

I was like wait that person has sooo much more than me ):

So really FINALLY FINALLY when the time to break camp came I was like

ADIOS SUCKERS

while thinking in my heart that I gotta do better next time~~

and thanking God that I came out alive. PTL.

***

OK this was a tiring post........... Now

(FOR SLEEP)

HAHAHA yeah okay so I almost only have SNSD gifs and a few sparse othergroup ones! Couldn't leave Jo Kwon's out since his expressions are priceless.

OK OFF TO SLEEP ADIOS FRANZ

Food for thought

Oriana Fallaci: “True power does not need arrogance, a long beard and a barking voice. True power strangles you with silk ribbons, charm, and intelligence.”

We are young, but not for long

Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to try to be a bit more honest, a bit more loving, and a bit more daring?

Haunted

Sometimes I think that the saying "Better late than never" is kinda flawed. I mean, most sayings all are if viewing from a certain perspective, no?

For me, the problem of not doing certain things as scheduled/promised is pretty serious. The guilt of these plague me the moment I miss the 'deadline' and usually paralyses me into inaction. Gradually I move on, slipping these events into a large sack which lays in the corner.

But times come when I trip over the sack, or when I accidentally peek in and discover what rotting mess there is inside. And during these times I think, should I start clearing them out?

Usually the answer is: better late than never. But, better for who exactly? I think the answer is really just myself. Whatever I'm supposed to do has lapsed and does little good to whoever was originally the recipient already. They can live without it. But for me, if I do it, I rid myself of the baggage that has been affecting me for so long and I feel much better from it.

How selfish.. Lol, I do realize that I may be an emotional masochist, which means I go hard on my own feelings. And so I find it hard to rid these overdue tasks.. Why should I make myself feel less guilty? Pretty vicious cycle tbh.

Best way is to just meet the date actually.. Oops?

Try (and succeed)

Because the only other way is to fail.

And what's so bad about failing anyway? Been too sick to do anything fun for the past three days, so I've been stuck thinking about things. Damn.. So I decided to recount some things I have ever tried in my life. You never know until you try, yknow?

#1 Cutting my own fringe

Ok so while this has turned out really badly for some people whom I know, it hasn't for me yet. I always end up with the most satisfying fringes for myself.. Um a tip would be not to be too ambitious. Don't cut an inch off at once man.

#2 Covering a song

This was real bad. HAHAHAHA oh God I feel so embarassed. I did this with a close friend who suggested it, and we spent a whole day on it. Not even going to say what's the song because it's that bad.. Well anyway, 10 dislikes and 0 likes after we decided to stop checking up on it. It was fun though.

#3 Giving a speech

Back in secondary school, as the captain I had to do the speech/announcement for my softball team and I tried really hard to do it well. But no, I just slurred like I was on drugs in front of the whole school on the podium and mumbled thank you without anyone really knowing what our achievement was. Sorry..

#4 Being cool

Doesn't suit me. Probably will never do. Yeah. Okay.

#5 Recounting this

Fail. Because I can't think of anything else )=

I love you, baby I'm not a monster

In the blink of an eye, months have already passed since the A's. I'd like to believe that this day last year, I was studying, but I hardly doubt so.

Like I once said, I pretty much scraped through the A'Levels. And now that I've managed to get into SMU... I realize how thankful I should be to God. And I am.

I don't find a need to show people my belief in Him because it concerns no other person. Church tells us that we should spread His word, and not sorry to say but I don't subscribe to that. Kinda controversial, but I think by working towards being a good example of a human is the best influence. If people respect you, they'll respect your beliefs. I'm not the best person; I'm still working towards it. I still constantly err everyday, but I reflect on them. Hopefully I'm getting closer?

Talking again about how time has flew, I'm trying to use my time to enjoy as much as possible lol. When can I even do this again.. The thought of never being able to be young and be free again scares me :/ Well, #YOLO! Not gonna regret this because by Zhiqing's rules: never regret choices you know were the best at that point.

Dirty hands to clean (clean hands to dirty)

So it's 10am now, the earliest I've ever composed a blog entry. It's been around 20 over hours without sleep, with 5+ hours of that spent drenched, and half of that spent being either being spattered by heavy rain or bone-chilled by harsh winds, or both. Not fun.

Which is why I'm beat now, but also why I've gained insights on certain things. I would sleep but I might lose the feel...

^ Ok lmao I fell asleep at that point.. It's 10pm now instead!

As I was saying.. Last night I was at East Coast Park for the Sundown 42KM route as a volunteer. While clapping non-stop (my wrists almost broke) for the runners, I started wondering what kind of people they all were. To participate in this kind of suicidal activity, you're either: i) really fit; ii) passionate; iii) trying to prove something; iv) not thinking; or v) suicidal. Of these I think the bulk who smiled or acknowledged our cheering efforts were the passionate people. And there were also skeptics who were all wth at why we continued cheering in our rain-soaked plight.. Lol. Nonetheless, I admire these people a lot. Finishers, especially. I can't say I admire you if you gave up, but if it's because of physical constraints (fainting, sprains) then ok fine. But it takes a hell lot of determination to push through all the way.. Something I lack.

Later on came a point when the race was ending and everyone's running (as in, operating) painfully on their energy reserves to make up for sleep. I personally think that's when most people show their true sides (some ugly) and today morning I got to experience that.

I think it's inherent of human nature that people never want to do the dirty jobs. That in itself is true of course, but my point is when it comes between choosing to do it yourself or pushing it to someone else. There were multiple instances of how, being tired and sleepy, people chose to push the unwanted duties to other people instead. It's damn ugly of these people, and even more so if you're in a leadership position. Leadership means leading by example. What are you if you lead by your mouth? Oh, come on.

Kinda bragging, but I know how during events I plan or things I lead in, I'll make sure to join in doing the shit jobs (aka sai kang) unless maybe I didn't view it as shit at all but someone else did.. I'm pretty sensitive about these things though so I hope not. But anyway, for people who don't, shame on you. You fail.

I don't understand how people are so.. dense! If you don't wanna do it, what makes you think someone else wants to?

Lol. All this confused rage is getting to me. On another note, accepted SMU Social Sciences! Really hoping and looking forward to learning more from Psychology.. /stares into your soul

Sort(ing) things out

Been trying to be a more organized person recently, and I think either trying isn't good enough, or I don't want it bad enough. Or are those the same essentially? Idk.

So, here's a few things coming up in my life! Well, for the sake of looking back in future and seeing if I've done these, or did I change my mind again like the fickle pickle I am. (LOL omg yes I just coined fickle pickle up ummmmm. Ignore that!)

1 I'm going to get a Class 2B license. AKA, I'm gonna learn motorbiking. Kinda crazy, but I've thought it through and I consider the reaping of its benefits more valuable than avoidance of the cons. Mom is kinda disapproving of it, but I've talked her into speechlessness so yeah. Pretty sure that even if I land in an accident in future (God forbid) I'll still look back and know that I wouldn't have chosen otherwise.

2 I'm going to get a helix piercing. Another unknown term??? Hahaha refer here. And also, dye my hair dark blue. I'm hoping it'll turn out really dark so that it's not AA, so aaaa fingers crossed! It's kinda amusing how #1 and #2 have been paikia things to do though, but I'm not trying to be badass or whatever, they just came together as a coincidence.

3 I'm going to accept SMU Social Sciences! This has kinda been on my list since forever so I don't think I'll choose otherwise, unless NUS suddenly decided to be charitable, or if NTU goes bonkers and accepts me even though I didn't turn up for their interview.. Then I might be a little wavered, but still, probably not. Gonna accept on 30 May just in case though.
Looking forward to learning Korean as a module (if you rolled your eyes at this I will help you roll them down the bowling alley) and also, will probably take Psychology as my major after the first year! I'll go around accessing people's mentalities with startling inaccuracy and convince them they belong to IMH. Yay.

4 JUNE HOLIDAYS!!!!! Which means what to me? Nothing, except that Vivien and Alicia will be more free and I kinda wanna arrange weekly badminton/bowling/swimming sessions with everyone! ^^ Fun fun fun, looking forward to the friday front seat or back seat blablah


Um ok so not many things after all.. They seem like a lot in my head. OH I KNOW WHY: because they take up a lot of money!!! Ok query addressed. Time to sleep. Good night!

P/s. #stuckonrepeat: Only Tears - Infinite

Control, among other things

I'm a strong believer of never letting your emotions get the better of you. It's good to release them once in a while, but it's just stupid to let them show in every situation.

Just had a small quarrel with an asshole, which btw was small only because I ended it. This asshole lives with me and flares up at my parents with the smallest sparks of inconvenience. And I've renounced my blood ties with him (in my mind, anyway) because I have lost every ounce of respect for him that this relationship holds, that is, I refuse to see him as more than the average acquaintance anymore.

My mom asked us just now if we wanted to go on a cruise, which she has been asking every other month since 2012 started. We kept deciding against it since it was kinda inconvenient for my brother's (I used to have two, for information's sake) family. So this asshole got all pissy saying 'we have to consider them again', to which my mom replied that her Genting member deal regulates that she only bring two guests anyway. At this point he gets more agitated and I think he doesn't get her implication so I clear things up; she's suggesting we three go. He now directs his anger toward how she's asking an useless question if she doesn't know the dates yet, which, c'mon, was her trying to get our opinions before wasting time to enquire about stuff. So she tries to placate him, talking about some weekend, not sure if their cruises are on the weekends, yada yada which I clarify with "They're a cruise for holidays, how could they not operate on weekends." and also because I've paid enough attention to the Star Cruise itinerary this year to know that they do. She goes on about how weekends are probably pegged with an extra charge, which she thinks is like, $78 (throughout, the exchange is filled with his questions that are delivered with so much piss, but I donwanna dedicate so many words to useless shit).

He one-sidedly concludes the discussion with "No need to go! Go need to throw away so much money already! Like play mahjong lose man-tai! (just for my laughs: he has been losing at mahjong recently) Not like never go before!" and my mom is thrown off. I rebutt, "I never go before." and I tell her that I can go with her and she should ask a good friend of hers along. She agrees and goes to the toilet.

Now he accuses me of wasting money. If there's one thing that pushes my buttons all at once, it's false accusations. I tell him I'm not. He says that if we go, I'm using our mom's money anyway. I defend myself saying that I will use my own money, which I have ever since I started working anyway! He angrily tells me to "PAY FOR THIS TRIP THEN!" and I tell him back, "I WILL." He goes speechless.

Then he brings in a new weapon. "If you're so rich, I don't need to buy a new laptop for you!" Oh, so his offer brings such perks to him huh. I admit here that I'm shameless and I accepted the offer because it's to my benefit. Why reject a piece of meat, even if it's offered by an acquaintance?

Here's why: it stabs you in the stomach. Not even from the back.

I relax my nerves at this point and I point out to him that if it's my mom and I, we don't have to worry about weekends, meaning it'll be cheap. Free, even, with the deal. Mom returns from the toilet just in time and I repeat it, if only to make him angrier that I just made use of his self-exclusion to my advantage. Win. My anger from before is extinguished and I hop into the room despite the terrible heat, a smirk plastered on my face.

And I can hear him clicking angrily (ie. loudly) while I tap on happily on my phone.

Yep. End of long narrative. BACK TO TOPIC -- if I had allowed my anger to reign, it'd have went another way. I would have told him that I DON'T NEED HIS STINKING MONEY to afford a laptop, and he would have taken my word for it, and I would have lost out. Instead, when I thought it through, I didn't, and I got a good kick out of it.

Ngl, that was damn satisfying. And this wraps up my l o n g g g blog post ^^

Moral confusion

I wanna propose a flipside to meritocracy. This theory may come across as farfetched, but since in chaos there is calm, I guess in exaggeration there lays the root of truth. Lmao, philosophical.

In society we have people. People function through the mind and heart -- heart as in emotions, not the blood pumping organ. There's logic VS. feelings. There's IQ and EQ. There's actual VS. perceived. And through development we've seemingly conjured an 'effective' means of measuring the actual lest assuming makes an ass out of u and me. Success is determined from results. You're given credit for producing the best out of yourself. Really?

No. Not really. Actually, you're given credit for outdoing others. For scoring higher. Running faster. For doing more. So when, unfortunately, you don't outdo someone else, even when you've produced your best, do you get credit? Well, rarely. Say you pass your subject for the VERY FIRST TIME, wow! But, you're still last among everyone. Is not the credit given to how the test seems easier than before? Maybe I'm skeptical, but prove me wrong.

And here's where the heart comes in: deep inside, you felt like you've worked yourself out. You've breathed the textbooks till you suffocated. But okay, you're last in class. Perhaps you could do better?

Wait! But you've done your best, right? And you're still last.. Well.. Maybe you could try even harder. And no one acknowledges you for your past effort, so maybe you didn't try very hard after all. Perhaps.

See? I think this happens, and people become wrecks when nothing further changes. Sometimes I think we need to open up to the truth that a limit has been reached, and change our methods, or take a different path entirely. To continue on is just to continue scraping layers off your self-esteem, and waste a whole lot of time and effort doing it.

Amirite? Or amirong. Well either way, I think we need a reminder that some things, like meritocracy, aren't always THE way. It's just the best way right now, and if we do consider the problems it holds we could possibly figure something better.

Psyche

Wow wow wow, here's an interesting (and supposedly, accurate) test for everyone to try. Idk who is reading my blog so hope this enlightens you somehow, if you haven't seen it from my twitter already. Though I privated that..

There are supposedly a few of these tests, so read this first:
http://www.hypnoid.com/psytestApr/

AND for the one test:
http://www.hypnoid.com/psytest2.html

Here's my diagnosis.... Lol.

You are in a perpetual quest to find the new, the exciting. Emotionally volatile, you are known for sudden changes of opinion, of appreciation, and behavior. Following rules and established methods is difficult for you and the difficulties of higher education are usually quite daunting. Knowledge is best gained through an intimate association with the matter at hand. Usually driven by attitudes and desires of the group, you are talented in an established field of endeavor. Emotions come and go without a strong understanding of their causes. They are unexpected guests in an otherwise placid landscape. You live by your own codes of conduct, which can be noble or terrible depending on the individual. Authority is meaningless to you. You hate to be predictable, at all costs. Rarely verbally effusive, you can at times feel as if your feelings are too deep for words. You are very observant, but rarely express these observations to others.

I'm not sure if I'm known for sudden changes of opinion blabla, but I myself do know. It kinda irks me to be honest, since I feel so inconsistent. And what does it mean by I'm 'talented in an established field of endeavor'? It means I'm suited to do something that's already widely pursued right now, instead of something new and creative? Hmm. Also, I wouldn't say I hate to be predictable, but I kinda love to be unpredictable. There's a difference, but at least it's right.

The test gives me a bad headache though.. My brain must feel violated, LOL.

Inside of us

What am I doing with my life? Yeah, this question comes to mind pretty often. It's not that I think of myself as wasteful, but rather, I think I can do more. Learn more, be more.

I lie to myself, at times I lie to people I love, and I think it's turning into a habit rather than an option. In the first place, it shouldn't have been the option I choose to go for. I could be more honest, I should face people. I should face myself.

Having a distraction's good, when I had other troubles to face. But now that I'm past the bulk of it, and committed myself to get past what's left; should I still continue? I have more important things to spend my life on. What do I do?

I mull over failures more than I should. And I brag more over successes than I should as well. I think humility is something I need: less arrogance, more perseverance.

And I need God. I need faith. I need hope. Most importantly, I need love.

One

"只求拥有, 不求永久"

Golden words from my mom on this generation. Lol but I would really wanna stay with one person my whole life... It's so hard, huh? Well, just a goal to work towards for me I guess, but it'd also mean a whole lot of stubborness from me. Insistence could be a blessing, or just plain pain. Ah well.

one step forward; then shoved harshly back

Actions lead to consequences. Speech is an action. Speech leads to consequences.

I should withhold my speech. Happy speech is enough. What I would say otherwise has proven to be of no use.

Used to bystanding

Sometimes people are happy. But, it doesn't concern you.

And you stubbornly think, it never will.

Realism VS. Pessimism

There's a thin line between the two, realism and pessimism. Usually optimism is on its own lying towards the other end of the spectrum, so nevermind about it. And also because I'm usually only on that end when conversing with a depressed friend, which makes me on this side 95% of the time.

I feel bad for people who bother to read my blog sometimes, I'm so damn angsty LOL. I respect you all man. Feel free to discuss life with me anytime, it's one of my favourite topics! And I don't think I judge? I'd flat out tell you if I find you wrong though, but I don't think I'd unfriend you without ample understanding.

Back to the topic. I'm always guiding my emotions by logic, so I feel pretty realistic most of the time. And I know I sound depressed in my posts but that's 'cause I voice my musings/muses here. I guide myself by a pretty sad set of beliefs so I'm actually kinda happy in real life tbh. Lowered expectations and whatever. There's a saying that goes, "Pessimists expect it when things go wrong, and get pleasantly surprised if they don't." Following logic, this makes being a pessimist more realistically beneficial to us as the odds are, essentially, in our favour.

I gotta mention the other side of the argument though, that human psychology may work differently. Optimism seems to put a person in high spirits most of the time, and when their expectations get crushed, the true optimists get right back up on their feet. If they do fall, however, they fall the hardest. So it's up to us whether we wanna take the risk, and being calculative I choose not to. Do you?

爱不单行

People have different beliefs. They stem from different mindsets, and these are in turn shaped by experiences and circumstances. It's reason why convincing someone of your beliefs is hard, especially when they've a set of their own. Without at least some solid evidence as back up, who would be swayed?

Well, the answer isn't no one. Aside from logic, relationships play a large role in this world as well. It's the fundamental to a society. And in relationships, there comes trust.

Trust... I've always found myself a pretty untrusting person deep within. Or am I the same as any other person, withholding secrets from the world? Perhaps I am. It's hard though, not to envy some bonds films and dramas portray, even if I know them as fictional and glorified. Because I find it sad, that things seem better only when in fiction, in imagination, in pretense. It's sad that people will rarely be as transparent as we wish them to be. It's sad that we will never be as transparent as we wish ourselves to be.

But still, trust leads to people believing you baselessly at times... Ah, I'm like ranting ain't I? Time to sleep.

First

I don't like to post these here, but I'm afraid I'll go crazy if I don't let it out.

I really wanna scream the f word, but no I won't.

I offered to do the shit work for you because I know you'll be freaking throwing a GROWN MAN'S tantrum at him and then he'll go complaining to mom about WHAT INJUSTICE. And then she'll complain to me, plead with me, which I hate. So alright, I did it. And YOU left the usb with all of his files in YOUR OFFICE such that I had to do the files from scratch. Ok fine, nevermind. But you ACCUSINGLY asked me why I'm doing it on the home laptop and not the work one. FGS YOU WERE THE ONE WHO LENT THE DAMN LAPTOP TO YOUR FRIEND SO THE LATEST FILES WERE DONE ON THE HOME LAPTOP. And you accuse me. Okay, that's fine. When he asks you if you bought ink CAN YOU AT LEAST HAVE SOME DECENCY TO ANSWER? You did nothing and you're already WOOWOOWAWA THROWING YOUR TEMPER AROUND? Are you out of your mind?

And you. I did your work for you and didn't utter a word. When I finally got to sit down and watch television, you INSENSITIVELY decided that the tv was YOURS ONLY and when the remote wasn't working you had the damn guts to ask me to help you switch channels. GREAT. I'M NOTHING. JUST A EASY TO MANIPULATE what, SERVANT? Oh okay no, I'm just a 'good' daughter, I guess.

Only my mom. Only my mom's good to me. Only she can tell I'm upset. So please, mom, don't ever plead with me, because firstly, I can't ever deny you of anything, and most importantly, I'm in no position to receive your pleas, you're too good to me.