Avoidance

Are the feelings we feel because of habits, beliefs, personality or conditioning? Ok this is such a wtf question, I know, but I do wonder. I'm a little avoidant of commitments and of zeal towards myself, and I have no idea why. Is it part of my personality, like, am I supposed to change it? Perhaps I shouldn't change who I am, but if it causes me discomfort, and to an extent, fear, do I just accept it? Though there really is no benefit to liking attention, honestly. So I have no idea.

Confusion, confusion.

Is it fatigue or are these tears

Perhaps it's the wrong time to think about all that's went wrong. And no, I'm not talking about 4AM. I've been pretending to be too indifferent that it might actually be becoming real in me, and that just sucks. I don't know where to look now. It's like getting lost in a forest; no matter where you look, every tree looks the same, what more when your vision is blurred?

A reason for people to talk to you without seeming weird: Birthdays

I've never really placed much importance on my birthdays since young. Being a total nerd in primary school I never had friends surprising me or anything, nor did I have any birthday parties. I remember being so envious  of other people that there was this year I begged my mom to buy me a cake -- but for some reason I felt so embarrassed when my family sang a birthday song for me. I guess that was the start.

In secondary school my birthdays always clashed with exams: people had no time to study, what more celebrate birthdays? Well, there were people who did major nice stuff for me though, so I'm really thankful, but I was so depressed myself over how my birthday just had to clash with exams that I couldn't really appreciate it. Oh well. In 2009 my birthday was the O' Levels Geography paper, and in 2011 I was intensely studying for A's :(

This year, I found myself expecting more, perhaps because since entering uni, I've realized just how important friends really are. And so it kinda hurt, really, when a while had already passed after 12MN before I checked my phone and there were no messages from my closest friends. I ignored it though, and slowly they started coming (thank God). Met two of these people who didn't wish me for DIY steamboat (which was yummy and way-too-much heheh) and they had a surprise up for me! Kinda guessed but I'm still damn grateful for it! Thanks Xuan and Sher!! (heartz) ^^~ They decorated a cake from The Icing Room with a few inside jokes tsk (: And then we played our usual singing games and watched a horror movie lmao. It is my kind of ideal birthday though! Just a whole day slacking with friends, and nothing else. (:

When I reached home later on, two more people I were waiting for wished me at 1159PM, tsk... I was getting sad ok....... But well, faith restored! I gotta mention too that unexpected people wished me too, and I'm touched I would say. I think I'm starting to appreciate my birthday now. Yeah, like finally, after 18 years.

Okbye sorry if I sound really wishywashy or disjointed, I'm nodding off.... Here's my first blogpost as a 19-year old. Goodbye.

When did everything start falling apart

The moment you allow yourself to slide, you're gonna accelerate faster than you can control.

That's me right now: my emotions are a wreck, my work is undone, I'm just a boneless, souless mass. About the SMU Year 1 student who committed suicide and passed away, I feel for him. Nope, I'm not gonna do it too, I don't have the courage to. All I dare to do is run, run, run, run, run, run, run. Run. Run till I'm all exhausted, until my muscles cramp and refuse to work, until the tears roll past my face along with the wind.

Too bad I'm running away, not forward.

/

Too emo, sorry.

Ego

Aaaah okay instead of the hilarious snippet I just posted I shall have a proper post since I'm a little free.. Obviously there are things to do, but nah, they can wait till tomorrow while injecting life into my blog has to be done NOW.

Lol yeah. It's the end of Week 9 (funny how back in secondary school or JC I never even knew the month but now every week is so clear to me), one week closer to final terms. Nope, I'm not dreading it. Instead, all I wanna do is to get the remaining weeks over and done with, have my midterms, and then enjoy my nice long summer break. Did surprisingly o-kay for midterms, not as great as I expected myself to do before I entered uni, but well, shit happens right? But I have to also acknowledge that it's because I've yet to know how I'll do for BGS and Stats (no midterms, so gotta see how my quizzes fare) -- screwed up my BGS essay 'cause I left it till the end of Week 8 to do and I just had to fall sick, while Stats is yet to come!

I might just be adapting to uni life after all. Seeing things from another perspective helps; wow, I've grown huh? Hahahahahahaha. I do hate the work a lot, but the hate is beginning to place in me a mechanism to fight back. And through fights, one will grow. Just what I need; my state of mind has been stagnant for far too long.

But oh. On another note.
What does it mean when memories you've suppressed for so long start to revisit? Perhaps, hopefully, it means that I'm finally letting go of them. Hopefully.

#nowplaying Up - Epik High

You play too hard to get, bro

Some people argue that things are more rewarding when you're forced to pursue them. If you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day; but if you obscure a fish stick by hiding it at the end of a maze, the man will go buy fish sticks at the grocery store because nobody cares about your dumb maze. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA

With you, friends

Shall blog since I can't concentrate very well right now. Tomorrow's my Economics exam, and as usual, my attention span is shorter than ever. Oh well, what can I do when it comes to subjects I dislike?

Anyway, I was just thinking about the friends I have. Was just learning from Lynette today what exactly the looking glass self concept we talk about in Sociology is about, and for the benefit of non-Soci students:

"(...) a person's self grows out of society's interpersonal interactions and the perceptions of others. The term refers to people shaping themselves based on other people's perception, which leads the people to reinforce other people's perspectives on themselves."

Pretty legit if you think about it. Somehow we (or maybe just I) always end up proving people right, even if we try to deny it. The more we focus on it, the more likely for it to come true. Unless we're so dead set on opposing it, lol.

But as I was saying, I feel really grateful for the friends I have. They're always making me feel comfortable, and not to the point where it harms me (like condoning my misbehaviour or whatever). Sometimes, subconsciously, I honestly do get envious of groups I see doing "cool" stuff. But when I reflect upon it ...nah. I'm happy with the friends I have, doing our mundane stuff. Happiness isn't all about 'fun' or 'having a life', is it? Different groups have different dynamics, and I'm one of the chill ones. Though I get blinded by the flashy lives of others from time to time, when I close my eyes, what I see beyond the surface of my own life is contentment more than I could've ever asked for. (:

-

Sorry mom. It doesn't matter who's fault it is, but that both of us are hurt. And that sucks. Is it worse that we left the house empty, or that we both left the house feeling empty?

Cryptic post: don't read if hate confusion

Everyone has their demons. Things we've done, things we've felt and knew, things we thought would come but never did. Things...people. People we know, knew; miss, missed; love, loved -- basically people of our past and present.

There was a memorable once. There were then another few times the lines blurred, but I set them bold in ink.

I need to start expecting.

"Nothing good ever happens after 2am"

Or so what How I Met Your Mother advocates.

Nope, I don't watch it, and no, I'm not going to be watching it anytime in the near future. No motivation to. But true enough, though my efficiency peaks around the same timeframe of 2AM to ungodly ~5AM, so do my emotional levels. It's the kind of timing you reminisce and find yourself missing every small memory, and wonder what you're doing with yourself -- even if life isn't currently all that bad.

I can't help it right now though. Had a Salted Caramel Frappe in the afternoon (it's on a 1-for-1 promo at Starbucks this entire week) and then some iced tea for dinner, and then, Tom N Tom's Caramel Macchiato at night. The overconsumption of caffeine never occured to me until insomnia kicked in.. It's 5AM now and I feel tired, but awake, albeit dazedly. I've refreshed all there is to refresh on Twitter, resorted to checking Facebook out, read several ThoughtCatalog articles and even watched an episode of a HK drama without audio. But nope, I'm still here, typing away.

Ok, blogging helps. I feel sleepy now. Goodnight ....or morning.

Dirty breaks

Everything needs getting used to. A new environment, new people to talk to, new things to do. At the same time, you've to get rid of the habits from your old environment, handle the absence of your previous daily companions, and stop missing those feelings you once had. Perhaps not entirely, but yeah.

It's hard to do. God pampered me in JC, and now I'm spoilt, slightly sad that things aren't going as smoothly. Here, there are so many things to cope with, time is such a scarce resource; you'd wish your closest friends were always by your side again. Uni life is so hectic that people rush and go -- classes are for paying attention, meetings are for focused discussion, meals are just for filling up your tummies... When did relationships become so hard to build?

I'm gonna admit, there's been a vague emptiness in me ever since school started. Of course, there are great people whom I have had the fortune to know, but there doesn't seem to be enough time for the bonds to fortify. Maybe I'm too impatient? Lol if only I could have them all be in the same classes as me.. Well until then, the emptiness is here to stay.

Who among us lie

I used to be so self-righteous and always thought that I tried my best while people were the ones failing me. Well now that I think back on it, that's one major assholey reason why I used to be so (secretly) angsty...

I mean, it definitely got better over time and now while I appreciate my own strengths and note my weaknesses, I just believe that no one owes me and I owe no one hahaha. Although that old trait creeps up sometimes, and unavoidably I get disappointed, but I get over it much sooner as well.

ON A LESS SOLEMN MOTE. I MEAN, NOTE. What's a mote anyway, I only know moat.

(...just kidding I don't know what's moat either)

WEEK ONE OF SCHOOL IS OVER WOOHOO I AM A #SURVIVOR!

University life has been damn different. Seminar style teaching (uh well I had a taste of this back in ELL), three-hour lessons, afternoon classes, huge maze of a school, class participation, new friends andddd NOT forgetting aircon -- the experience so far has been amazing and slightly surreal. I wouldn't say that it's been wow, but what's there to be wow about anyway? I'm content with it hahaha.

Sleepiness definitely hasn't stopped plaguing me though! Nodding off when profs are looking elsewhere then staring wide-eyed at them when they look in my direction has been routine for me hahaha. How the hell do people stay awake.. Doing it takes all my concentration that I can't even process the info being relayed to us lor ;/ ...what? Sleep what? Earl? Earlee? Earl tea?

I prefer chinese tea, it's okay! Gonna go brew some and go on with my activities, THE NIGHT IS STILL YOUNG, YES?

Yes.

안녕!!!! 뿅

/Edit: While making sure I used the right word back there I Google Translate-d 뿅 and it gave an otherworldly translation. So to prevent any misunderstandings I would like to clarify that the word, "ppyong" is a sound effect for disappearing. Sadly, I'm not so kinky.

The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

Mauerbauertraurigkeit

n. the inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like—as if all your social tastebuds suddenly went numb, leaving you unable to distinguish cheap politeness from the taste of genuine affection, unable to recognize its rich and ambiguous flavors, its long and delicate maturation, or the simple fact that each tasting is double-blind.

fata organa

n. a flash of real emotion glimpsed in someone sitting across the room, idly locked in the middle of some group conversation, their eyes glinting with vulnerability or quiet anticipation or cosmic boredom—as if you could see backstage through a gap in the curtains, watching stagehands holding their ropes at the ready, actors in costume mouthing their lines, fragments of bizarre sets waiting for some other production.

Long absences forget, short absences remind

Recently came back from Social Science camp and I have to say I enjoyed it. Perhaps we weren't the most enthusiastic nor sporting of all, but looking long-term I can tell that these people are ones I'd more than willingly spend time with. And that's more than I could ask for really.

Back to the point; having been away from my family for three days has reminded me of how much I miss them. It's honestly not much to most people, but they're (my fam) such an integral part of my daily life that 1) not seeing them makes me feel a void 2) when I do see them, I take the fortune for granted. I guess everyone needs such cooloff periods from time to time to sustain relationships? Meanwhile, they can't be too long that you get used to the absence, of course.

R A N D O M Z:

#1 I got a new pillow and it's so high my neck is surely gonna break one of these days..

#2 Hooked on For The First Time by The Script. Hey sorry that I'm outdated man. I can't control the timing of my feelings!

#3 Falling in love with cats (because of Shiqi's). My nose itches damn bad cause of the fur though. I think.

#4 I want to play pool!!!!!!!11!1!1!!!

#5 I love my mom.

#6 This is

#7 getting

#8 out of

#9 hand

BYE.

The fault is not in the stars but in us, that we are underlings

Been trying to think positively for the past period! I have to say that it's took very conscious effort on my part lol, what with my habitual emo-ing. I've met a bunch of nice people recently from Social Science, been quarrelling less with mom, and in general life does seem better though so it's most likely working? Hahaha.

AND RIGHT NOW IT'S SHIQI'S BIRTHDAY WOOHOO HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHIQI I KNOW YOU'LL SEE THIS ONE DAY BE IT A MONTH LATER OR SOMETHING!! XOXOXzzz
Drew a cat on the card for Shiqi and it was terribly out of shape LOL. The initial sketch looked so cute ok.. Sigh ohwell! On another note 1st August was Tiffany's birthday yay she's 24 (in Korean age) now~

Yep this person is 24 (nah just kidding, I think she's 21 there). Also on the 5th, it'll be their (SNSD) 5th anniversary ((((: ...yes sorry I know this is boring you out and if so this is ending in 3.... 2.....

Social science's Caedo camp is coming up soon ('tomorrow' ie. on the 5th) and I'm looking forward to it! Mainly 'cause it's in school and I've always liked the SMU campus haha. Shall restrain my weirdness this time round, it scares people off; tested and proven. These are gonna be the people I'll hang out with for 3-4 years, so I honestly hope we get along.. God has it in His plans though so I'll just do my part to be approachable and considerate during this camp and trust that things will turn out right.

I got my schedule as well, along with the module I successfully bidded for! Mon to Thurs /afternoon/ lessons, HELL YEAH. /crossesfingersnexttermwillbethesame/ Gonna have time to head down to NUS to kaciao friends and eat together yay! And also Fridays to hang out w the others who matter very much as well.

Life looks good. PTL ;)

Shall we take a trip and enjoy the view?

"It's not the strong who survive, it's the ones who survive that are strong."

Just attended my brother's graduation ceremony and for some reason, I found myself feeling really scared throughout. Not of the people around me, not of the atmosphere, not of anything there, but of what was to come. It's weird because this seems to be the direction I've always wanted myself to go -- to SMU, to Social Sciences, and so on. But precisely because I seem to have expectations of it, I'm getting scared of being disappointed.

All my life, things have always been going in directions askew of what I've wanted. PSLE, O's, A's, JC instead of Poly, etc., and finally one thing went right: I got into the School of Social Science. The difference is that when things don't go my way, I tend to make the best of it, and when they do, I lose myself and screw things up. It's been obvious in the years of my life which I can remember. I had damn a lot of fun in JC especially, which I completely abhorred getting into; yet my best friends are all from NY. Well yeah, my results were terrible, but I can't say that I regret anything in the end.

Yet so far, the experience of uni I've had is off the mark. I don't wanna harp on it anymore, but I think I'm expecting so much that any bad thing that comes my way just throws me off. The law of attraction states that good thoughts bring good things, so what exactly am I thinking wrong? I presume I need to completely shrug off the bad events, and focus damn hard on the good ones so much so I'm blind and numb to negativity. (Does this make me an escapist, again, though?)

Lol GAH I'm gonna go crazy at this rate. Someone enlighten me? Or maybe not, I'll drive you crazy too with the persistence I put into my views. I respect all the people who've gotten through all the self-doubt and whatever issues and emerged honorably victorious (like literally 'honorably', like with honors lmao). Let's hope I survive well for the coming years.

Damn

Ahhhhhhhhh lol it's another angsty(?) post! Vivien was telling me that Scorpios tend to think too much, which is true........

So while on my way home just now I had this feeling that my mom would assume wrongly again that I'm not eating dinner with her, and my frustration already sparked despite it being just a feeling, which I know is my fault. I was thinking about how I always went out of the way to make time to go home for dinner because I hated any thought of my mom feeling lonely, and I made sure to inform her whenever I wasn't going to. It seems though that she doesn't register it at all, and hoping my gut feeling would prove wrong I reached home.

Ended up I was right. It really sucks to be right in such cases.. She was playing mahjong, and the moment I reached home her overfriendly friend teased, (in Mandarin) "Aiya girl, never call before you come back, can help us go pick up the food!" which also means they ordered already. Without me. I just laughed (in submission to my fate, maybe) and when my mom was about to leave to get the food, I offered to help her. She asked if I ate and I tend to give roundabout answers when I'm hurt/angry, so I said never mind. Without probing she returned to playing and I overheard her saying, "She ate herself already la, she knows I'd be playing mahjong,". No, I don't know ok. I'm not psychic. And I know I'd DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY call  beforehand to inform her if I'm eating out.

Whoever's reading this, you'll probably find me sensitive/petty/etc., but don't you agree that the worst frustrations are built up from the smallest things? I'm just wondering if all the extra effort I put into being considerate for her is needed at all. I could very well be like a friend of mine who eats out at her will, without telling her mom until she calls to ask. She's happy and her mom is pretty used to it. Is this something I would do though? No.

It's something I often question myself over because even though I feel so freaking disheartened sometimes, my morals? principles? tell me to continue; after all she is the person I love the most and owe at least so much to. And also, I wished I thought about things less, because life is so damn miserable (at times), really.

HAHAHA

Okay so I WAS going to post a normal emo thinking full of shit post but I just read Shiqi's blog and was DAMN fascinated by her posts so...... hahahaha will try it out too. It's a good way of getting over the trauma that was my orientation aka Freshmen Teambuilding Camp.

So I went there all groggy on the first day at 730AM like I DON'T WANNA DO ANYTHING

When people actually initiated conversation I said hi

but I'm too awkward. Then they'll go away and I think

WOW THEY TALKED TO ME

Sadly I'm too unwilling to reciprocate so my face was always

and when people talk in groups I can't be heard so I can only look at them and

Ended up most of the time I was just the person at the back.

and I thought

so occasionally I tried going something like

but no one noticed so

but really in my heart........

Also the toilets are

Just saying. Anyway while we were playing games and people looked at me I was like

then they'd talk to me. But I would only just be "ok"

instead of

which is what they would have wanted, so they turn away again and naturally I return to

Occasionally looking at people having fun and joking happily like

I bitterly think

but I have to laugh out of politeness so

when actually

Thennnnnn on the second day we had the Finale Night; people went all

and this guy even did a b-boy headstand and I thought he fell down so I was

but no he didn't so thankfully I went

But without proper friends I still couldn't have fun so I really wanted to go home

People would ask me what's wrong but I look at 'dem and

No no, nothing's wrong....!

AND IT'S SRSLY OK BECAUSE I DANCE ALONE FINE

Finally on the last day we had this writing activity where you passed a notebook w your name around and I peeked at other people's....

I was like wait that person has sooo much more than me ):

So really FINALLY FINALLY when the time to break camp came I was like

ADIOS SUCKERS

while thinking in my heart that I gotta do better next time~~

and thanking God that I came out alive. PTL.

***

OK this was a tiring post........... Now

(FOR SLEEP)

HAHAHA yeah okay so I almost only have SNSD gifs and a few sparse othergroup ones! Couldn't leave Jo Kwon's out since his expressions are priceless.

OK OFF TO SLEEP ADIOS FRANZ

Food for thought

Oriana Fallaci: “True power does not need arrogance, a long beard and a barking voice. True power strangles you with silk ribbons, charm, and intelligence.”

We are young, but not for long

Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to try to be a bit more honest, a bit more loving, and a bit more daring?