Upstream

Whenever I see people posting stuff along the lines of "The people who smile the widest are the saddest", I always feel sad. Part of me tries to agree with it since I do feel sad very often, but then again, who doesn't feel down once in a while? And so I feel like saying that or agreeing to that is ... not legit. C'mon, I don't want to be seen as secretly hurting when I smile. I want to really be happy. If I see any more of that, I'm going to end up always pitying myself when I smile, which is gonna be always... Sigh, lol. Humans are bundles of contradictions.

Unsafe

Let's just focus on fencing, go back to work, and think less.

These walls around us

So many things in my mind, but there aren't really any words to say. It's hard for me to express myself properly sometimes because, my thought processes don't seem to occur in words. They're more of feelings and memories and scenes and jumbled concepts I'm not even sure about myself. And I can't even imagine fully explaining this in words. It's impossible.

Sometimes I tweet about things and I wonder if anyone really knows what I'm trying to convey. I'm not saying I need everyone to, because I honestly don't want that kind of transparency, but I wish I'd know if someone understood. If someone understands. But nah. Everyone's a complexly woven soul and it's best you explain what you are through your own efforts. I wish it was easier though, since expression's not my forte.

One thing I wanted to tweet today but decided not to:

"We sway like the trees in the wake of breezes"

Lol sorry if I tried too hard to be poetic, I really really like pretty vocabulary..... That aside, I was trying to say.. Um. When soft winds blow past a tree, the tree tilts in that certain direction. When that passes, the tree that is still rooted firmly in morals, in values, in opinions, un-tilts and sways a little from that momentum. This goes on that way whenever there are breezes. What it takes to uproot this tree -- this person -- is to wait for a typhoon or hurricane. But the more roots you have, the more morals, values, experiences, the harder for that to happen. You will always sway, but you won't be rudely unrooted.

How rooted am I? I wish I knew.

Public disease

Ok this post is gonna be really political-science-geeky ahahaha. So I was just reading up about public goods, which I think you would know too if you've taken economics, and it was about how providing this good to anyone within the territory effectively means it's provided to everyone in the territory. This leads to the free-rider problem of no one wanting to provide 'dem, and so the government has to take up the responsibility.

In tandem with this, I think a concept of 'public responsibility' should be more strongly advocated. Maybe it already is, Idk, but I'm lazy to google right now lol. Public responsibility is something that the government has to instill, because it's not something which's effects a government can solely bring. For example, recycling. To a lot of us we wouldn't normally give two hoots about it since it's not like you throw a piece of paper into the trash  bin and then you see a tree being chopped down with your own eyes. That's why governments have campaigns, movements to hopefully instill these ideas of 'saving the world' in our minds, and 'public awareness' is the keyword nowadays, where knowledge and statistics of all our atrocities are used to guilt-trip us into changing. I mean, this is something we all probably already know at the back of our minds, but it doesn't actually seem to be really in practice, not in Singapore at least. We do recycle stuff and save electricity occasionally, but other things like being courteous and helpful, or donating money, necessities or even love to our local needy, etc., seem to still be lacking. Public responsibility should really be pushed for in many more areas other than for natural resources, after all, the society is what impacts the environment, and with our society still lacking here and there, how do we really save more of the environment we live in?

Going back to public goods, I think having a strong sense of public responsibility in a state would introduce two new dimensions to public goods, where 1) widespread benefits don't necessarily have to always be directly provided by the government, but would also be by the combined hands of the society, and 2) includes abstract goods like happiness and whatnot. You could say this is pretty idealistic, but what I'm proposing is a concept; a direction where I think we should head in. Well, we can't rely on the government to do everything for us, also, we should be doing much more for fellow people ourselves than for anything else. Then together, I'm sure we could better work out something for this environment which we're currently destroying.

Yep ........time to sleep xx

Wonderwall

Been hooked on Wonderwall by Oasis after today's karaoke session. Song lyrics have always called out to me for as long as I can remember. Like as long ago as, "It's us, it's us, it's us who build community," /inserts hand actions/ hahaha! I guess that's part of the reason why I really like languages, the way they help people express themselves and sometimes, they way they flow or rhyme, or just sound pleasant in a string.

I rarely express my emotions, and I think it's hard to know what I'm thinking. I guess it's a form of security for myself.. On the other hand, I read into words a lot to figure out what people are thinking. Recently though, I've been wondering if that's something I should change, because not everyone puts much thought in their words all the time, and reading too much into them would just give me inaccurate ideas. For myself, too, I realize the possible meanings I may be conveying through what I say sometimes only after I've said it. Everyone infers differently, perceives words differently, so I guess I should stop thinking so much about it. Damn this 'occupational' disease from taking Linguistics in JC, lol.

XV

Everything seems like a city of dreams,
I never know why,
But I still miss you

There she's standing in a field of lights
I close my eyes,
And I still miss you

Bury me in your ashes.

There is only so much I can take. Usually my tolerance level is wider than the world, but when I'm sick, it's barely the size of a pea. I wish I could scream at you to stop torturing me, because I hate how the smell sears through my nose, how it clouds my thinking and makes it hard to breathe. Usually it's okay. But not when I'm sick. Please. Not when I have a deadline to meet and I just wish to get it over and done with, not when my head is pounding, not when I asked you to stop it yet you come out with a second stick, as if determined to sicken me. I don't know if you know that I won't scream. I can't scream.

I hate confrontations, because the only way I fight for me is through crying.

If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity

Some may find it intrusive, but I think it's good to have a hand yanking you back when you're so close to the edge. Falling off is.. scary.

When you fall, you don't die. Instead, you lose something in you, and it gets replaced by a haunting. This haunting consumes you like a poison from your insides, and changes you entirely in ways you'll never forget.

Thankfully though, you will make it through. But that journey was so hard alone, I'm sure I don't want anyone else to go through that again without some company.

I will bruise your arm if it saves your heart.

Still as night

I'm not sure why I think coming to my blog will help me stay awake, but I do. Have work to do yet I'm just procrastinating and dragging..... Sigh.

I think it's because this place is my best form of solace. What I can't put into speech I put into words, and words are almost always beautiful, I feel. 

There has just been a drastic change in my life. If you're wondering, no, no it's not bad. It's just a little disruptive I guess? To my usual laid-back, uncaring life. Not sure if it'll last, but I'll deal. People come and go, and I'm not one to try making them do otherwise.

Are meteors always bound to crash?

Happy things, beautiful things; they scare me.

I'M PROBABLY GONNA REGRET THIS

NOPE, NOT DRUNK, BUT I'M GOING TO TYPE THIS POST IN CAPS. BECAUSE I CAN. AND I WANT TO. AND THE BIRD ON THE TREE OUTSIDE IN ECHOING ITS WAIL(?) OVER AND OVER AND I HAVE SEVEN MORE CHAPTERS TO STUDY FOR MY TEST WHICH IS IN 5 HOURS AND THE AIR IS REALLY COLD AT THIS TIME DESPITE ME WEARING MULTIPLE LAYERS ON TOP OF DRINKING A CUP OF HOT COFFEE JUST NOW

COFFEE. I SEE WHY NOW. THIS IS WHAT A CUP OF COFFEE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AKA MIDNIGHT DOES TO YOU AFTER YOU HAVEN'T DRANK A DROP IN ... THREE MONTHS? OMG WHERE DID THESE MONTHS EVEN GO?????

DAMN

/edit: lost my mind to textbook monsters that night

what are you?

She asked me, “Why do you close yourself off from people?”

“It’s easier this way,” I replied. “I have better focus on the things that are important to me right now. I’m not going to go out of my way to look for things that I don’t need.”

"Easier in what way? I understand that you won’t be able to get hurt by others, but you know you’ll probably never find someone that’ll be able to make you happy, too,” she remarked.

“And who is to say that I need someone else to make me happy?” I asked. “You see, that’s the kind of thinking I hate — when people believe the only way to be happy is through another person.”

- dreamongood@tumblr, Brandon Oda

Marina Abramovic

Everyone has a purpose in life, no matter how absurd.

But thinking about it, I don't want to just have one purpose in life. I want more. I want to have the best of all worlds, loving all there is to love, living all there is to live. I want to travel, I want to bring the people I love along, I want to make them happy, I want to make strangers happy, I want to go to the North Pole and just laugh at penguins for a day. Too simple? Who defines how a purpose should be? Noble? Ambitious?

Now, who's daring enough to just be content with the simplest things? And hey, not everyone can laugh at penguins for one whole day okay. I am going to achieve that. While everyone tries to fit into the high-achiever mold, my heart is too restless to conform.

I shall die with sun-kissed skin and signs of adventure on my body, not of old age and ailing limbs.

neither here nor there

Please forgive my terrible post on 大年初二.

Fuck.

I am in a damn bad mood. And it's infuriating me more that the harder I try to break out of it, the worse I feel. I guess I am convinced that my new year is starting out bad, which is leading me into a downward spiral. Shit.

Swing, swing

HI! Second post of the year? Cool.

Ending the second week of school already, and lolz having classes with friends really makes everything better. So much for #loner4lyfe ahahah. In Creative Thinking class we had to make name tents (basically tents which show your name for the prof and class to see) and there was this girl who made a swing out of straws, and it wasn't especially outstanding, but it stuck in my mind.

Never mind about the straws, but she said, "Life's like a swing, it has its ups and downs."
And what I think about this -- as long as you keep putting in effort, it will always has its ups. And the downs, they don't have to be a depressed kind of down. Just a chill, laidback period with nothing going on; that's a good down for me.

School in general has been going well so far. Profs are all pretty kewl, mods are interesting, groupmates are fun. And attendance is taken for nearly all the classes so I guess I'll have to go for them.... which is good motivation to correct my skipping behavior lol.

Sigh. Still can't correct my late nights tho, or maybe it's really because I don't want to. There's a kind of peace you get only at night, midnight, when you know it's just you and your thoughts.

And the occasional mom waking-up-to-pee-but-ends-up-nagging nag. ;\

Ok time for Acad Writing homework bleh :( Nights!

You'd think you know

New year, new things to mull over (yay!)

Lmao okay justtt kidding, not going to start my year with an awful sulky post. I ended 2012 pretty happily (on hindsight). Hindsight because, while they hadn't been the greatest things to go through, the aftertastes were sweet, lolol.

Went to Taipei from 20-27 December with my parents and 2nd bro! It was freezing, mom and I were coughing our lungs our majority of the time, bro was throwing his stupid adult tantrums, dad smoked like 10 packs and finished two bottles of liquor, but -- we had a great time. And I really appreciate and thank God for it. There were many things to worry about, but they became the good parts of this trip (: Firstly, my parents aren't on good terms, so it really came as a surprise when they got along well together during the trip. I mean... I actually felt warm in my heart looking at them, for the first time in my entire life.

And then there's my mom's knee injury (less than a year back, she crushed her kneecap from a fall) which I was worrying would cause her to have difficulty moving around, but wow, no it didn't. I felt so happy to have helped her around, supporting her down stairs, looking out for uneven ground she may stumble over. It felt like what it should -- a child, now an adult, caring for her parent who's grown old. Perhaps my mom was hiding it from us before, Idk, but after we returned to Singapore she's started to whine about it hurting LOL. Something about Taipei is magical....?

Then on the 29th, I went as a spectator to the AVFC (Asian Varsity Fencing Competition), organized by our very own SMU fencing club!!!, and it was really enriching. International level fencers pitting their skills against one another and I got the front row view ok! All the zaikias. Then on the 30th, we had a fencing Christmas party at Sentosa Cove (the house was amazing, I can't even....) and there was hilarious shit thanks (or no thanks) to the alcohol. It was fun, but I'm not sure I wanna stay in such a big house permanently... Doesn't it get lonely?

And on the last day.... Tsk. Was supposed to meet the 1013 clique for countdown but cancelled because it started raining. Bummer. And so I bummed around at home. Which... was really quite fun by my standards. LOL.

Yup that sums up my happy end of 2012~

New year resolution? BE LESS OF A SLOTH.

.......... nah I doubt it.

Twitter: "The gym will be especially crowded today with people who will then give up on their new year's resolution like, three weeks later."

Me: I bet five bucks it's three DAYS later, cmon.

Kbyeeee I guess the least I could do is try to sleep earlier... NIGHTS n_n

Avoidance

Are the feelings we feel because of habits, beliefs, personality or conditioning? Ok this is such a wtf question, I know, but I do wonder. I'm a little avoidant of commitments and of zeal towards myself, and I have no idea why. Is it part of my personality, like, am I supposed to change it? Perhaps I shouldn't change who I am, but if it causes me discomfort, and to an extent, fear, do I just accept it? Though there really is no benefit to liking attention, honestly. So I have no idea.

Confusion, confusion.

Is it fatigue or are these tears

Perhaps it's the wrong time to think about all that's went wrong. And no, I'm not talking about 4AM. I've been pretending to be too indifferent that it might actually be becoming real in me, and that just sucks. I don't know where to look now. It's like getting lost in a forest; no matter where you look, every tree looks the same, what more when your vision is blurred?

A reason for people to talk to you without seeming weird: Birthdays

I've never really placed much importance on my birthdays since young. Being a total nerd in primary school I never had friends surprising me or anything, nor did I have any birthday parties. I remember being so envious  of other people that there was this year I begged my mom to buy me a cake -- but for some reason I felt so embarrassed when my family sang a birthday song for me. I guess that was the start.

In secondary school my birthdays always clashed with exams: people had no time to study, what more celebrate birthdays? Well, there were people who did major nice stuff for me though, so I'm really thankful, but I was so depressed myself over how my birthday just had to clash with exams that I couldn't really appreciate it. Oh well. In 2009 my birthday was the O' Levels Geography paper, and in 2011 I was intensely studying for A's :(

This year, I found myself expecting more, perhaps because since entering uni, I've realized just how important friends really are. And so it kinda hurt, really, when a while had already passed after 12MN before I checked my phone and there were no messages from my closest friends. I ignored it though, and slowly they started coming (thank God). Met two of these people who didn't wish me for DIY steamboat (which was yummy and way-too-much heheh) and they had a surprise up for me! Kinda guessed but I'm still damn grateful for it! Thanks Xuan and Sher!! (heartz) ^^~ They decorated a cake from The Icing Room with a few inside jokes tsk (: And then we played our usual singing games and watched a horror movie lmao. It is my kind of ideal birthday though! Just a whole day slacking with friends, and nothing else. (:

When I reached home later on, two more people I were waiting for wished me at 1159PM, tsk... I was getting sad ok....... But well, faith restored! I gotta mention too that unexpected people wished me too, and I'm touched I would say. I think I'm starting to appreciate my birthday now. Yeah, like finally, after 18 years.

Okbye sorry if I sound really wishywashy or disjointed, I'm nodding off.... Here's my first blogpost as a 19-year old. Goodbye.