Thorn

Every now and then a bitter part of me surfaces. It's hard to let things go, so I overcome that by forgetting them instead. Unfortunately triggers come up occasionally and they remind me of all the bad feelings I had before.

I've come to truly accept that many people are liars. Well yeah, not all, but enough to hurt. It's still such a dilemma whether I should choose to trust and risk being hurt, or hide away safely behind walls. I used to lie a lot to protect myself in the past. But I never meant to hurt anyone in that process. Growing up, I even learnt a little of how it feels like to make some worthy sacrifices for the benefit of others. White lies... I think I can honestly say that they're all I've made after I grew up and wisened up. Sadly, the lies I've seen from others of late have been more of dark grey. Protecting themselves at the expense of someone else. Fuck man, I am such a coward for keeping it all in. But confrontations are just not for me since all I'd do is cry and be swayed with enough persuasion. Soft hearts need walls. I guess I'll also need to accept that I'll never be one to bare my heart like one of those straightforward people out there. And to all those who have lied, I hope you're happy with your damn noble decision.

-

I tried to tell my brain to shut up, when I realized it wasn't my brain -- it was my heart. That, I can't stop. Sigh.. I feel like I've just gotten off the teacup ride in the amusement park and my vision is turning upside down. I kinda think I need to lie down for a bit and just let it run its course. 

Compilation of Traveling Diaries

As the title suggests, this will be my compilation post for my daily entries for the 13-day trip I'm taking in Cambodia and Vietnam ^^

They'll load really slowly because of the photos~

Day One // It begins here

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/5e79392c-d241-4071-8848-12f5b09815ef/bcaa16e88fbab8575b8ab70e170bdfff

Day Two // What awaits?

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/0946fa7e-c26b-4776-8244-a5f1511b9b38/646085465e90d1771f98eb7cd62d6cf7

Day Three // Soul-searching

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/feb1bfcd-04c8-47ee-8269-77c2d70697ca/d7cbfccd8272ef9754b8003227a136d0

Day Four // Up and down

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/92c58049-2e6a-416b-94bf-def2ddef1c36/069a63e21432648485587554356edabf

Day Five // Missing home

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/b4d16ad1-2b09-4180-bc42-e8eae53f8a2b/8d66b601e69bb572637a20633fb98c80

Day Six // Happiness doesn't drop from the sky

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/1ce0b788-4803-4bb5-b931-a53542345a5e/bae82c4a1d0abb95f0446c0a204f9de0

Day Seven // Missing this for sure

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/f37fd895-86f3-463b-b866-5cc4adb274b6/c99eb4fc47a776bfa178e6f252d7302e

Day Eight // Fleeting

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/5936c46f-c037-4c23-94bd-5c5effa1b770/87e031b5679be973eaffa104f9bd0f53

Day Nine // Hyped!

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/e651469e-5af5-4695-91d7-b51860e44bdc/d798f824aaef824271b7c90b0904bb4d

Day Ten // Still waters

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/3e264e44-f873-4c3c-a8c0-25066a11b55a/82a77db725368163d3360c192113add2

Day Eleven // Divide

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/6b13b7a4-4a6d-4a37-831f-44099cf7913c/71c7e29ef98e28937199e412bf8e51b3

Day Twelve // Tryhard

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s224/sh/8f9f00e6-a373-4a81-be33-07370c3356bb/7da8c56f0faffe5aa5abf8c5c5a0b3f8

{ to be edited/formatted }

"This is my curse but also my blessing: That my heart wanders to places where my body can’t follow, and that my mind dreams of heights that I will never reach.”

e.s.

Blame it on fear

We're not a lot of things.

I'm not mean, though I'm not very kind either I believe. I sometimes try to be (both of these, if you're only thinking 'kind') but it's hard to go all out. Maybe I'm brainwashed by Divergent, and more specifically, the narrations in the heads of Tris and Four, but, as I went through their thoughts, I couldn't help but agree a lot on fear.

Fear shapes many of our actions and behaviors. Somehow I'd think that fear is a tool for all of us, albeit one that's hard to control. Fear can empower and push us, but fear can paralyze and impede us. It can sometimes be an excuse, and other times a secret. 

There were people who used to tell me I was strong and brave, in those moments where we revealed heartfelt thoughts about one another. But I never accepted them; I always believed that fear was intrinsic and I couldn't be anything despite them.

Ends up, people really become what they believe. From my viewpoint now, I wish I'd taken up those opinions as my own. Because as it ends up, fear has spread in me, although not in the kind of way that roots you to the floor in danger. Rather, it has creeped into my thoughts and beliefs in a way that poisons slowly, ridding me with doubt, apprehension, and self-preservation. I'm not the person I once was before, certainly not that worthy of encouraging words like those anymore. Today, fear is a poison, and I'm becoming numb and passive to what and who I care about, much to my detriment.

Will change come, or must I change despite fear? I probably won't stop believing how fear is inborn though, so if anything, I'll have to change with fear. It'll always be part of who we are; to take a leaf out of Divergent, like Tris and Four always say:

Be brave. 

I hope I'll be. I hope I can be. After all, hope, too, is a tool like fear. 

x

How do we cope?

Typed on April 4th //

The world is full of people. And that makes it all the more ironic how there are so many lonely people, how we isolate one another, how we sometimes choose to turn away from another living, feeling being's emotions. 

One human is only so much. Yet one human could be everything to another, or take everything from another. Some of us live blind to the pain of others, some of us live blinded by the pain we suffer. That's how able and yet crippled we are in every breath we take. Everyone deserves to be loved, but who has the heart to love everyone? It hurts me to think that I can't do that even though I know I want to and even though I'm conscious of that. 

It hurts me to think about how many people need help in this world but will never receive it. It just hurts right now, in this night, and it's dramatic but it brings tears and I wish I could do something to make it all okay. 

And I'm more than aware of the fact that when I wake up tomorrow morning, I'll again be numb and blind so as to preserve my sanity. And I'll believe that we can't focus on the negativity forever. But right now, it hurts a little, and perhaps, now, a little less.

We can't change the whole world, but we could start with changing the world for one person. 

Build or break

As we build our walls, laying brick by boring brick, we contemplate leaving doors, windows, even just a peephole, to remember how the outside seems to be.

To leave that leeway is to allow entrance to within. To even care about what's outside, it suggests that though the candle inside of our hearts may be flickering, but it's not out yet. As social creatures we yearn everyday to keep the warmth in our hearts. As me, I wonder every day what to measure my life by: accomplishments, or love?

We could all be quick to jump to judgment, and essentially I know life needs no measure. But when dilemmas are placed in your life, often we, or maybe just I, wish there was an easier way to rationally decide. 

I could build my wall to climb, or break my walls to reach. Either way, I risk losing some bit of myself. 

Breathless

Really tired right now. The past days I've been burying myself in work, seeking relaxation in small doses of joy now and then. But I can't sleep right now. Had a relaxed Saturday night for the first time in a long while, but as I lay in bed, trying to solely concentrate on breathing evenly, I couldn't.

Why are people so damned complicated? We should all have a "let it be, let's be happy" attitude in social relationships. Let go of grudges and stubborn opinions. Embrace differences and enjoy understanding.

It's not easy, but it certainly isn't any more difficult then being upset about shit all the time. No big deal, man.

Emptiness

Wow. I didn't even realize it's been over three months since my last post. I could probably take it as a good sign of not having anything depressing to blog about (well, I did disclaim that I only blog when I'm down) but I know for sure that it's not the case. So I'm not sure why. Perhaps I'm censoring my thoughts more than before. Funny realizing now how I used to always obsess over writing a flaw-free blog post; I forgot during this void how much I love writing. It's good that it's gradually returning though! It's a healthy way for me to get over my emotions, which can be overwhelming at times. Recently I've been feeling like the smaller person, when I always used to believe I could forgive and forget and let go and simply make the best out of situations. I hope what used to be comes back to me. I've been so so petty, so sensitive, so damn shallow for too long a while already. It's time I got over things and learnt and moved on. Hopefully those values I treasure will return then. For me to be wiser, better, bigger-hearted. 

24 days late but definitely not too late for resolutions. May I learn better and move on in this new year. :) I was genuinely going to blog about some negative feelings I was having, but as the words spilled out, I gradually realized how cryptic that usually ends up. So, I rather I reflect. Better than uselessly moping for sure.

/edit: lmao look at how the title and content are a mismatch, very aptly so. 

?

People don't believe you when you tell them the bad truth, because that's not what they wanna hear. When you prove yourself right, it then makes everyone unhappy. Is that why people lie, why people go to lengths to hide certain things? To save everyone the trouble of hurting? Perhaps. Yes. Yes.

That's why I prefer it too.

Two types of withdrawal symptoms

One is whereby you suffer from withdrawing. The other is in which you withdraw because you're suffering.

The second should be so much better, unless it's followed by the first.

/edited.

Reason & emotion // Superego & id

I always think I'm damn logical and reasonable. But when I end up feeling shitty over the 'right' decisions I've made, I wonder - are they really worth it, and am I actually emotional and needy of happiness rather than correctness?

Such a dilemma, isn't it. For my Creative Writing class this week, we're supposed to write on the tensions between reason and emotion. Reading on research from a psych perspective, it says that emotions are an automatic system, while reasoning is controlled. I guess I can parallel this to another topic I blogged about previously, about the brain and how there are the desires of the id, and the morals of the superego. Then I guess, the ego probably directs and manages both these sets of opposites.

I wish the ego was as simple a matter as how proud I was. Lawl. Meh.

From time to time I should give in to my emotions, my desires. If I'm just going to keep listening strictly to my morals and reasons, I'm going to become so emotionally tortured...

I just hope it all plays out well.
Please do.
Because when it comes to emotions, the game becomes not just about you anymore.

Auguries of Innocence

To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.

 I always thought this poem was about God, until I read the Wiki. Lmao turns out it's only the first stanza to a much longer poem, and it doesn't seem like what I thought anymore.

Makes a world of difference knowing a little, and knowing more. Most of the time we're too ignorant.

Social disease

Let's stop spreading our pessimism, stop complaining, stop quoting sad shit. Why don't we all think positive, smile more, and despite what may bring us down, remember that when you're down, when you feel like you've hit rock bottom, the only thing left to do is to go back up. Difficult as it is, it happens.

It's too damn demoralizing when I visit Twitter lol.

I'm no psychic

"One step forward, two steps back" is so cliche because it's so true and applicable. It's my mindset, and as much as I try to kick it, it kicks right back in.

Let me be? Let me be.

Slow and steady

It's been a while since I've posted! Been occupied, lol. Anyway, I'm still reading that self-improvement book, and I'm trying to apply it to my life. I'm also trying to be more open, bit by bit. Right now what I need to figure out though, is what I really want. What is it that I crave and makes me happy and is good for me? What is good for me, and, am I even good for anybody? I'm not saying I'm not, but these are doubts I'm always getting which really hamper me, and I need to figure them out. I guess in a sense, the reason why I like doing socially-beneficial stuff is 'cause I wanna convince myself that I'm someone who makes things better. Sigh, my superego /cues psychology geekiness/ is such a pain in the ass.

To elaborate on this, Sigmund Freud has a theory on the human psyche. There's the id, which is basically your innate desires, your superego, which is your ideals and morals, and lastly the ego, which serves to regulate the two so that you don't die of guilt nor go around raping people lol. Pardon me if I remembered anything wrongly hahhaha. For me, I think my id and superego are both really strong. That's why sometimes my ego goes on overdrive and all these doubts and confusion starts to kick in, making me wonder who I really am. Sounds like an identity crisis? Hahaha, perhaps. But awareness of a problem is a major key in reaching the solution, so I believe I'm probably nearing there. :)

Man of steel

I'm just so tired. No one understands the amount of consideration I put into my decisions. If even superheroes get tired, what more me?

Normalcy

Fear is a figment of your imagination. Danger is real, and very pressing, but fear is not. Fear cripples you in the face of danger.

I learnt this from watching After Earth, and it's funny because it may very well be my only takeaway from the film. It was pretty mediocre I gotta say! Thankfully the company wasn't. :)

Fear stops us from many things. It's okay to acknowledge danger (in fact, it saves our lives), but we have too many unneeded fears that, instead of keeping us alive, prevent us from being more alive. Fear is a figment of our own imagination. We're keeping ourselves from leading fulfilling lives.

Ever heard of the law of attraction? I just started reading a self-improvement book (heheheh) and it says that when you think happy thoughts, you meet happy events. Of course you'd think this is bull, "Wtf man I also think I will do very well but in the end like shit!" But hey. Look at how negative you're being! You think that one positive thought is enough to change things? No. It isn't! You have to be a positive person through and through to achieve things. Be courageous, be adventurous, be happy. Believe sincerely that you'd be. Everything is all in the mind. If fear can cripple you, faith can change things and move mountains ya.

Burning

I'm like setting everything on fire. How apt is it that I'm having a fever now... I'm setting off sparks, starting fires, fanning them bigger. I'm doing crazy things.

I need to stop, I'm scorching myself. And it hurts, much more differently than what appears to be surface level.

I'm crazy.

Upstream

Whenever I see people posting stuff along the lines of "The people who smile the widest are the saddest", I always feel sad. Part of me tries to agree with it since I do feel sad very often, but then again, who doesn't feel down once in a while? And so I feel like saying that or agreeing to that is ... not legit. C'mon, I don't want to be seen as secretly hurting when I smile. I want to really be happy. If I see any more of that, I'm going to end up always pitying myself when I smile, which is gonna be always... Sigh, lol. Humans are bundles of contradictions.