I think you never knew.

"Just cause I look so cheerful, doesn't necessarily mean I am."

Yeah. How many realize when all the smiles and laughter I'm putting on is just a facade? ): It's painful to watch me do this to myself, yet I can't bring myself to look so unhappy everyday, cause I think my life probably sucks just as much as everybody else's.

While everyone saw the smile on my face, no one could see the pain in my eyes. I'm only human, I need concern too. But if that means outrightly showing everyone that I'm upset, then. I'd rather not. But it hurts.

I feel like I'm pouring out, but not receiving. Okay, I do admit, I receive lots of love, but even with these people who love me no one knows what I really feel deep inside. And I don't know, I really question myself, when I'm willing to give my all to my friends (maybe just the closer ones), how many are going to be willing to return back the same? Give without expecting any return? I'm human, I'm human, I'M JUST AN ORDINARY HUMAN I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT, I'M SORRY. I'm sorry.

I wonder when my breaking point is gonna come. Soon, I think.

Never-ending

I.am.so.screwed.

Stuff to do BY TOMORROW:
Taiwan proj
Chem file
Chem tutorial
Study for econs test
Study for chinese test
Finish ELL research

Stuff DONE:
None

Hello disaster.

What to say, what not to say

Happiness lives for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have tried and those who have searched. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear. Remember that whatever happens, it happens for a reason.. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be. Because you only gain one life and one chance to do all the things that you desire.

If only it was as easy as that. Actions speak louder than words, and so what if I can agree with that, but I can't carry it out? Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be. I wish.

Just how many people know when I'm hurting like shit inside yet I seem alright on the surface? Didn't we learn not to judge a book by it's cover? They're all just words, I guess.

While going through stuff I wrote last time, I found this entry:
"I feel so tired be it in my body, my mind, my spirit, or my heart. It's as if I would just fall without tripping, lose without fighting, and crash into a million pieces without moving. The contrast between days that were happy and those that are not is so drastic. People die, but I'll survive. And seek for another chance.. For there God is with me, as He has always been."

But I can't feel Him now. I can't.. I'm all alone now. Fending for myself cause I walked away from Him. He never left, I did. I used to think I've finally found the commitment to stick to something and never let go of it. Foolish, I was. I'm drifting away from my religion now, isn't it?

All I can do now is ask. Ask questions I'm never getting answers to. Why do we have to live up to expectations? Can't we be free? Ask Zhiqing, ask. Ask somemore. You'll never find the answers. I really don't like all the stress that's piling up on me. Stress on me to do well for my exams. Stress on me to be a good vice-captain. Stress on me to be a good player. Stress on me to always have a good temper. Stress on me to be a filial daughter. Stress on me to be a good friend. Not that I don't want to be all these, but.. The question, again, is whether I can be all these. If I choose to escape from everything, I'd quit school, quit floorball, run away from my family and friends, run away to a place where no one knows me. But thing is, I can't. One of the main sources of pressure is myself. I would never let myself go.

Why is life like that, why?
There is never the perfect life, right?
I guess I know the answer to the last question very well..

/Edit.
Hah. All the previous posts about fighting on. I'm just a loser in the end.

Something more.

Had listening comprehension today! Was pretty hard and everyone seemed pretty demoralized. But I kinda learnt from it, I think. The passages had quite some meaning to them and I couldn't help but let my thoughts drift away just now.

But anyway, there was a passage on this guy who didn't back out from a race even though he knew he was gonna lose. The meaning behind the passage was to face up to challenges (even though it might mean fighting a losing battle), so that at least you find out how far you are from success. If you don't fail first, and see how much more you need to go, then how will you ever reach your goal?
So true. We always back out like cowards, alllll the time. All I know is to escape. I guess I need to start being brave..

Then there was the first passage about this man who went to America for the first time, and didn't know how dining in a buffet restaurant worked. So after he got enlightened, he concluded that actually, life's like a buffet - As long as you have money to pay for it, you can just stand up and go get all the food you want. It kinda means that as long as you're willing to put in the effort, all you have to do is take the first step and reach out toward your goals, and that's all it takes. Doubly true.

Lastly, it was about a few pots of flowers, of which some were fake while some were real. The fakes were pretty ttm, while the genuine ones showed signs of exposure to sunlight and weather. However, the person found the real ones nicer and more likeable. The passage was saying that, without facing hardships and all, how will you polish a unique and beautiful personality out of yourself? However, if you're sheltered and spoilt, you may seem nice at times but all that might just end up being a facade. Like they're all arranged and fake, just like the fake flowers. So hardships/setbacks etc are actually part and parcel of the life that leads you to become a beautiful you. So let's just fight on! :D

Breathtaken. (:
A day of manyyyy realizations, I gotta admit. LC wasn't a waste of time after all.

Two extreme ends of the emotion meter

HELLO WORLD! Hahaha feeling better already. All thanks to Shiqi who really enlightened me, EH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! :D What she said is really true. Maybe it wasn't regarding the 'forgetting the past' thingy, but she made me feel better about everything else.

True, I shouldn't always bottle up my thoughts and emotions, if I just learn to tell them to my closest friends, it'd be a mutual kinda of thing instead of me always listening and taking in, but never letting out. "Give and take", truetrueeee. Thanks Shiqi! <3

Anyway, I'm glad to see the people around me cheering up already. Life isn't so bad after all.
I feel happy.

Off to homework! Mustn't let down dearest Shiqi who reminded me to do work, and alsoooooo Diondra emobud cause we promised to buck up and now we have this promise to listen in lects and tutorials <3

Yeah. Life's good.

A look into the past

Perhaps it's the weather, but I've been feeling pretty down today. Idk, maybe it's also the things I've been thinking about. I really really wonder, how many people have a past which they don't wanna remember? Or maybe I can also ask, how many people have a past they wanna hold on to soo badly?

For me, I have one which I once held on to tightly, and I didn't want to move on then. But now, I would do anything (anything at all) to remove these same memories from my mind. I guess it's cause people change, and I'm just one of them.

I don't know man. My heart hurt a little just now, but I'll survive.

Moved and removed.

New blog, been thinking wayyyy to much lately. Alert: This is gonna be my outlet for my thoughts and emotions.

Previous blog's still there, but not gonna be posting there anymore. So yup.