Reminiscence?

The day you let go and you realize you've never had anything to hold on to in the first place.

I once experienced that before, and it's pretty painful. Thanks to an awesome recommendation, I found this song which gives me the sense of nostalgia. But nope, I don't feel what the song says, it's just that I once did? Idk how to explain. On a sidenote, it's catchy. So yup! I shall recommend this to everyone too, anyone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2i1sQh8WxrY

Kk time to sleep, night~!

My fears

"When we arrive at eternity's shore, where death is just a memory and tears are no more."
Saw this tweeted by Shiqi, it's lyrics to a praise song. I think this is really well written, cause when I read it (even without knowing the song), I felt like, ..this light feeling inside of me. I wish I'll be able to truly comprehend this sentence one day by experiencing it for myself, but then again, I've drifted from my Christian beliefs so much that I wonder if I have that privilege.. Inside of me, I think there're these silent pleas praying I do have the privilege, and that this privilege comes as soon as possible.

Which should explain why I keep hoping that the end is coming. Somehow, when the news of Japan being hit by an earthquake and tsunami came, other than being struck by worry for my parents who went on a cruise, I actually got a glimmer of hope that a tsunami could come and sweep everything that I have now away, even if it included my life. But if not, all that I wanted, and still want now, is just for my life to become a blank sheet of paper again, cause the piece I possess now is marked with too many mistakes that just can't be erased already.

Yup and that's why I titled my post 'My fears', cause I realized, I'm not very afraid of death and its companions.. Ghosts, or whatever. There's of course the fear which was instilled in me just like any other kid since young, but my amount is negligible as compared to others. What I'm scared of, is living. More specifically, living like a failure, a burden, a good-for-nothing. It haunts me everyday how there's nothing really exceptional about me. Especially today, during our math block test. For once in my JC life, I walked into the exam hall actually feeling prepared, and yet I ended up crushed and defeated again. That feeling which just overcomes you when -- you read the first question, uncap your pen and prepare to start writing, then realization hits you -- you know nothing of the answers. It's insanely suffocating, yet I pressed on, believing that there was bound to be something I could do. I was right, but with half the time passed and there was only ONE of that something which I could find, fear struck me again.

How many people around me probably found multiple of my 'something's already? When Adrian Tan's marking happily, and he sees my script, he's going to flip. My mom's going to get notified, then Ms Gopal's gonna have a chance to complain to her, and I won't be able to escape the permanent seat reserved just for me in the first row where teachers constantly peer down at those assignments I barely attempted cause most attempts were futile. I'll be finding my name on every namelist for extra classes, which suck what little motivation I have for school out of me. Ends up I might stop doing everything altogether, and have to repeat an extra year. Awesome chain of events huh? I truly admit, it all started and worsened cause of me. One flaw about me is that I prefer escape over all other solutions, running away from my problems instead of solving them. I've done this my whole life, and I really can't break out of the already instinctual habit.. So everything snowballs, and before I know it, I'm fleeing from things now more than I've ever did.

I hate being a failure. I really do. But everytime I try to do something about it... I fail, again.

-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwXCmzwKdMo&feature=related

I lost myself listening to this.
Memory - Younha ft. Tablo

/edit Ahh, this one too, if you're fine with rap.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_IB4eWBqVyk&feature=related
Pieces of You - Epik High

Should I?

I should have realized that everyone acts the way we do cause we're all breaking on the inside

Maybe I should attempt to be the sober one, to patch everyone up to the way we used to be -- the happy bunch of us laughing and smiling without a care in the world. I don't know where to start, but I'll try to find a way. A way to make us all whole again, even if I do lose a part of myself in the process. The part called benefits.

/I honestly don't know where to start though.

Anonymity

Hmm, shall blog a bit before I get to studying! Gonna go camp at Macs, owell. Anyway, my legs feel better now, thankfully. Or I'd be in a bad mood, which, is not the case now. (:

I thought a bit about what I really wanna do, and I swear I'm confused. The university websites are freaking hard to navigate cause Idk what the terms are for the stuff I wanna find, and yeah, this sucks. I was thinking maybe I can do something regarding media and whatever? So, what does that come down to? Media like, being a journalist, or being a backstage crew like a producer or director, or, editor for a magazine, kinda stuff. Seriously mind-boggling. But ah whatever.

Ahhhh so upsetting. I have no direction in life, I'm just wandering aimlessly. What a 'great' life. Like Ms Hazel said, our batch only looks at short term goals.. Like me. Sian.

Lesson learnt

Just ended floorball camp today, and I guess it was a mixed experience.. Hmm, I had my share of laughter, contentment, anger, and disappointment. But as long as everyone learnt something from this camp, I feel that our camp's a success (: Sure, slipups and whatever here and there, but like someone once told me, as long as the end product's good, they all get negated. So, yep, shall just stick to that! ^^

But today, we had a friendly, and I was seriously.... Frustrated beyond description. I hate my legs for failing on me when I need them, and I wanted to just run away and hide, but I didn't. And I didn't score any goals, nor do anything well. Like coach said, there's no excuse. No excuse for my failure.

It's the holidays now, and 7 days to block tests! I seriously need to hole up somewhere and concentrate. Okay, tired. Bye!

What good does a lifebuoy do when all is at peace?

Okay, shall type a long post to get whatever is inside of me off my chest. Been wanting to blog the whole week, but promised myself not to use the computer, so I didn't. Right now, I'm forsaking my time for math to blog, and I feel kinda guilty..

Nevermind, an even better reason for me to go straight home after the floorball 3on3 tomorrow.

Today, I did something that I haven't done in a long time. I.. lost control of my emotions. I honestly feel that I can control my emotions very well, esp. disappointment and anger. (well, I find no need to keep happiness/excitement in check) So yeah, today I was kind of ashamed of myself. But despite my mind telling me to stop, no, my heart just can't do otherwise.

Sorry about it, I guess I eventually had to release my pent up frustration, I'm flesh and bone afterall, despite how much I force myself to be a robot most of the time nowadays.

Hmm, I've said it before, and I shall say it again. My blog's the only outlet I have for.. emotional release. And I'm sorry if it bores you, hah.

-

By the way, we got back our A'level results yesterday (chinese for us), and.. I'm kind of motivated to work harder for myself. I've sacrificed so much and wasted so much, it's time I put in the last element called discipline, to reap the fruits of labour.

"She finally has all of them in their proper place — which is basically anywhere that’s not in her heart." - after the fall (but before the rise)

Not supposed to be

I couldn't tell you,
Why she felt that way, she felt it everyday

-

Yes I'm on the computer, but restrained usage. Forgive me, had to do a bit of research for econs.