My fears

"When we arrive at eternity's shore, where death is just a memory and tears are no more."
Saw this tweeted by Shiqi, it's lyrics to a praise song. I think this is really well written, cause when I read it (even without knowing the song), I felt like, ..this light feeling inside of me. I wish I'll be able to truly comprehend this sentence one day by experiencing it for myself, but then again, I've drifted from my Christian beliefs so much that I wonder if I have that privilege.. Inside of me, I think there're these silent pleas praying I do have the privilege, and that this privilege comes as soon as possible.

Which should explain why I keep hoping that the end is coming. Somehow, when the news of Japan being hit by an earthquake and tsunami came, other than being struck by worry for my parents who went on a cruise, I actually got a glimmer of hope that a tsunami could come and sweep everything that I have now away, even if it included my life. But if not, all that I wanted, and still want now, is just for my life to become a blank sheet of paper again, cause the piece I possess now is marked with too many mistakes that just can't be erased already.

Yup and that's why I titled my post 'My fears', cause I realized, I'm not very afraid of death and its companions.. Ghosts, or whatever. There's of course the fear which was instilled in me just like any other kid since young, but my amount is negligible as compared to others. What I'm scared of, is living. More specifically, living like a failure, a burden, a good-for-nothing. It haunts me everyday how there's nothing really exceptional about me. Especially today, during our math block test. For once in my JC life, I walked into the exam hall actually feeling prepared, and yet I ended up crushed and defeated again. That feeling which just overcomes you when -- you read the first question, uncap your pen and prepare to start writing, then realization hits you -- you know nothing of the answers. It's insanely suffocating, yet I pressed on, believing that there was bound to be something I could do. I was right, but with half the time passed and there was only ONE of that something which I could find, fear struck me again.

How many people around me probably found multiple of my 'something's already? When Adrian Tan's marking happily, and he sees my script, he's going to flip. My mom's going to get notified, then Ms Gopal's gonna have a chance to complain to her, and I won't be able to escape the permanent seat reserved just for me in the first row where teachers constantly peer down at those assignments I barely attempted cause most attempts were futile. I'll be finding my name on every namelist for extra classes, which suck what little motivation I have for school out of me. Ends up I might stop doing everything altogether, and have to repeat an extra year. Awesome chain of events huh? I truly admit, it all started and worsened cause of me. One flaw about me is that I prefer escape over all other solutions, running away from my problems instead of solving them. I've done this my whole life, and I really can't break out of the already instinctual habit.. So everything snowballs, and before I know it, I'm fleeing from things now more than I've ever did.

I hate being a failure. I really do. But everytime I try to do something about it... I fail, again.