Another day of feeling horrible. I don't get why humans are such ...idiots. I'm one, too. I know, to say that humans are idiots would be akin to calling God an idiot since He made us in His image, but no, I don't mean it that way. 'cause seriously, most of us can't think and act like He does.
God, how do You even manage to love us for how we are? I find it so hard to love some people sometimes (love in the generic sense), to ignore what they do and what their actions do (or don't do) to me. And, do humans always only learn how to treasure only after they've experienced loss? Because apparently, I don't think I've learnt. Sure, I've learnt how to treasure the certain things I've lost, but no, I can't say the same for what I haven't lost (before) yet.
That's what's wrong with me. I always know the problem, but my knowledge rarely gives me control over my feelings.
Yesterday night, I reached home at 12AM after studying at Macs. I even continued until 1AM so that I finished a proper part of the chapter. (Note, it was math, so coming from me it's like woah.) Yet when I went to sleep, I got insomnia. I was so freaking tired.. But I just couldn't, after lying there till 2plus.. So I woke up,watched a few videos, and attempted to sleep around 3+, and my mom had to wake up and accuse me of sleeping so late when it's not like I even wanted to. But I kept it in, since I considered that she didn't know. And okay, I overslept today when I wanted to wake at 7 to study, and then I ended up using the com for hours after I woke. I felt guilty, so I quickly made myself pack my materials to go to Macs again after dinner. Yet, she had to say something like, 'You like that, one day also at most study 2hrs'. Like, what? Seriously? I've been clocking HOURS upon HOURS for the past DAYS and just 'cause of ONE day today (which btw, I was feeling terrible about wasting ALREADY), you make one remark to screw my mood upside down, downside up. You must've been wondering why I didn't say a single word, or even laugh at bro's grossly horrible joke 'bout getting a one night stand tonight so you can have another grandchild other than Jo'en to play with, but honestly, that's how bad you made me feel.
Yet I can't believe how despite that, I actually felt bad for POSSIBLY making you feel upset with my silent treatment. I don't know why, I work so hard for you, to make you proud of me, for that one smile on your face to surface during the few times in my life I've achieved something worthy to mention. I'm sure you don't know all these, otherwise you would've known how much effect small comments from you could have on me.
I don't know if one day I'll give up trying for you, because personally, I don't feel a need to be somebody. If I do, please find it in your heart to forgive me, and perhaps, understand me for once.
/Sorry, emotional breakdown.
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