Breathe

Just because I don't show things, doesn't mean I don't feel them.


I seem to have locked myself up again. I don't know if this description is apt enough, but I'll stick with it. I feel sick, I feel alienated. I really don't want to let anyone know how I feel. I can smile every day, and the next, and the ones after that, and continue my life like that. But do I really? I don't know.

Recently, I've known people who have gone to the school counsellor to talk. I know people who've talked to Ms Hazel (she's as good as one, her kind heart makes her so). I thought about whether I wanted to do that too, but then again, something just holds me back. Either that or, I'm just waiting for someone to reach out first. But there are so many things I wanna hide, so many things I wanna forget, and so many things I want to get over. I can't tell anyone. I don't know.

I can't express myself well. I think too much. I'm afraid that showing my emotions too easily makes me vulnerable, I have no faith in people. Or rather, I'm insecure regarding matters of the heart.

Some part of me wishes I could spill it all out, maybe that's why I'm distracted. My ELL teacher Mrs Lee said that I'm a very distracted person. But why? How? What do I do? I have no idea. I know a lot of things about this world, I'm confident of that. But I know nearly nothing about myself.

/edit: Though I say things in a joking manner, but I mean them. I mean it when I say; one who's alone need not be lonely, yet one who's within a crowd may be.

"If you'd just learn to broaden your sight, you'll see so many things you're missing out on right now. It doesn't help if glimpse to the side every once in a while, because one day you'll find that the other things you used to had will end up gone and you wouldn't even have realized it."

What Faith Can Do - Kutless

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

Aporia

I find it uncomfortable when people are real nice to me. Of course, I do want people to be, lol I don't have self-torturing tendencies. I somehow think it's just that, I feel undeserving. I can't return the same amount people give to me, I disappoint people all the time. Well, I don't know. I like to love a lot, but to be loved is burdening.

At this rate I'm never going to get married in future ;~; dasnfjsabasfjkfnvajfnmkcjfsh.

Er. Crazy. Trololololooool.

Nostalgiaaaa

Was checking out the soundtracks for Transformers just now cause I saw a few links on Youtube, and I ended up listening to a few of Linkin Park's old songs. Man, I really haven't realized that I like most of their songs, especially the classics, like Numb, Faint, Crawling, Papercut, and for the more recent ones, What I've Done and Shadow of the Day. Lol I'm secretly a rocker, so secretly that this secret shocked myself ._. Hahaha lame.

But ah, got reminded of how a few months back (maybe really really few), Numb was a song that made my heart hurt everytime I thought about it. The lyrics are really fitting.. Hmm the fact that I'm bringing this up so nonchalantly probably suggests that I've accepted it already, but I guess it'll always be a stigma hidden somewhere within me lol. Just like my rockerrrrrrr persona, hahahaha.

Numb - Linkin Park

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me,
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)

Underpromotion and overprovidence

Kay, here's the thing I typed in my phone. Gonna be a long one..

***

160611

My brother is one person I've appreciated coversing with very much. There are others of course, but him, I've to mention, because he's after all 7 years my senior, and has a multitude wider of a range of life experiences than me. I'm thankful for that, 'cause whenever I talk to him, I'm able to broaden my perspectives a lot and gain an increased insight on life. Today we went out to study together, and although I ended up talking to him (not chatting, but kind of like, discussing in depth), I don't find it a waste of time at all, because I've learnt so much from it.

Hmm, how should I put this? Today was definitely one of the most productive discussions we've had together (note: 1. For me, at least. 2. Not saying our other discussions were mediocre lol.) and wow, what I've realized today is probably gonna be a contributing reason for my fulfilling life in future (if I do tend to have one, that is). Haha and so I'm kinda in the mood to write this entry novel style, and I don't freaking care if anyone finds it fake/crazy/mental, it's my friggin blog and I do what I like. Deal with it. Hah.

So, we sat down in Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf at Bras Basah after a long walk in the sweltering heat, and I ordered some Cookies and Cream drink I've been lamenting not buying ever since the last time I was at the Farrer Park CBTL just because I couldn't find it on the menu boards. Our discussion started after I complained about how I regretted not buying the venti for a mere 50cents more as compared to the regular size I got. And so he broke it down for me logically, saying how I might have instead regretted not buying the regular if I bought the venti and found it too much, and how if only they had the insight to price it at 7.90 instead of 8bucks, many more people (including myself and him, we admit) would've been enticed into buying the venti instead, gaining them (CBTL) a 40cent increase in revenue rather than a 10cent loss per cup. Then we moved on to saying how from an economical perspective, I would've gained more from buying the venti since it's of more value, and I went on to suggest that from a health perspective, I actually gain (or rather, lose, hahhhh) from buying the regular because I avoided the unnecessary extra sugar intake.

Yeah then our discussion stretched and expanded a lot, into a span of a few hours which I strongly believe, if recorded, would've been ample material for a book. LOL like those on self-improvement yknow. Haha I totally wish I could reproduce everything here, but it's just too much to, in both the sense that there's too much in terms of quantity to type and also that I should be spending this time for studying instead, if I consider opportunity cost.

I wanted to blog about this, kinda cause I wanted to remind myself of this conversation and NOT ever forget about its content. Seriously, today I was mind-blown, no exaggeration. We toppled over certain beliefs I had in life (for the better) and I literally had this weight on my brain (which is still present now, 2hours later) from the realization of it all. I just wanna say that I've been naive my whole life and that I am stupid, I am. I'll be changing that though, so I hope I'm gonna start becoming an increasingly better person to myself. Keywords: 'to myself'. I'm not going to raise anyone's expectations of me because I'm not gonna make any promises to provide that, so hahaha sorry.

Pointers to myself, and to anyone who can amazingly comprehend the crypticness of them:

1. Underpromotion and overprovidence

2. Knowledge VS. Utility

3. 'Bitterness before sweetness'

4. Decisions and calculated risks

5. Amplified effects of short-term consistent decisions in the long run

6. Talent VS. Those without it

7. Nature or Nurture

***

Okay my gad, that was one long hell of a rant. I suddenly feel like a fool again because there are certain parts I don't remember in the blog post. Zzzzzz. Especially among the 'Pointers'. Ah whatever. Anyway just a heads up, I typed this entry in my phone the night of the discussion, but I couldn't get it to send so I had to retype it here manually.

On a reflective level, though, I'm pretty sure that day's talk has settled itself and it's somewhere in my mind now, subtly playing a part in my thought processes and whatnot.

And double my gad, I think this is the most boring post I have ever written. I can't believe I actually had the urge over the past few days to immediately go to Kinokuniya or Times or whatever when A's end to buy a self-improvement book. The urge just died and got banished to hell lol O___O If you ever see me with one, though, I go against myself all the time. So yep. Bye.

P/s. I haven't slept for 42 hours! Exciting. Shall try to drag it to 44 (not just so it's 44, but cause I really have things to do lol) and then knock out. Yay night!

-

I wish I was a better daughter.
A daughter who even if she didn't have any achievements they could be proud of, but at least made them happy and treated them as who they deserved to be at the very least -- people who mattered.
Not like me.