Breathe

Just because I don't show things, doesn't mean I don't feel them.


I seem to have locked myself up again. I don't know if this description is apt enough, but I'll stick with it. I feel sick, I feel alienated. I really don't want to let anyone know how I feel. I can smile every day, and the next, and the ones after that, and continue my life like that. But do I really? I don't know.

Recently, I've known people who have gone to the school counsellor to talk. I know people who've talked to Ms Hazel (she's as good as one, her kind heart makes her so). I thought about whether I wanted to do that too, but then again, something just holds me back. Either that or, I'm just waiting for someone to reach out first. But there are so many things I wanna hide, so many things I wanna forget, and so many things I want to get over. I can't tell anyone. I don't know.

I can't express myself well. I think too much. I'm afraid that showing my emotions too easily makes me vulnerable, I have no faith in people. Or rather, I'm insecure regarding matters of the heart.

Some part of me wishes I could spill it all out, maybe that's why I'm distracted. My ELL teacher Mrs Lee said that I'm a very distracted person. But why? How? What do I do? I have no idea. I know a lot of things about this world, I'm confident of that. But I know nearly nothing about myself.

/edit: Though I say things in a joking manner, but I mean them. I mean it when I say; one who's alone need not be lonely, yet one who's within a crowd may be.