Shall we take a trip and enjoy the view?

"It's not the strong who survive, it's the ones who survive that are strong."

Just attended my brother's graduation ceremony and for some reason, I found myself feeling really scared throughout. Not of the people around me, not of the atmosphere, not of anything there, but of what was to come. It's weird because this seems to be the direction I've always wanted myself to go -- to SMU, to Social Sciences, and so on. But precisely because I seem to have expectations of it, I'm getting scared of being disappointed.

All my life, things have always been going in directions askew of what I've wanted. PSLE, O's, A's, JC instead of Poly, etc., and finally one thing went right: I got into the School of Social Science. The difference is that when things don't go my way, I tend to make the best of it, and when they do, I lose myself and screw things up. It's been obvious in the years of my life which I can remember. I had damn a lot of fun in JC especially, which I completely abhorred getting into; yet my best friends are all from NY. Well yeah, my results were terrible, but I can't say that I regret anything in the end.

Yet so far, the experience of uni I've had is off the mark. I don't wanna harp on it anymore, but I think I'm expecting so much that any bad thing that comes my way just throws me off. The law of attraction states that good thoughts bring good things, so what exactly am I thinking wrong? I presume I need to completely shrug off the bad events, and focus damn hard on the good ones so much so I'm blind and numb to negativity. (Does this make me an escapist, again, though?)

Lol GAH I'm gonna go crazy at this rate. Someone enlighten me? Or maybe not, I'll drive you crazy too with the persistence I put into my views. I respect all the people who've gotten through all the self-doubt and whatever issues and emerged honorably victorious (like literally 'honorably', like with honors lmao). Let's hope I survive well for the coming years.

Damn

Ahhhhhhhhh lol it's another angsty(?) post! Vivien was telling me that Scorpios tend to think too much, which is true........

So while on my way home just now I had this feeling that my mom would assume wrongly again that I'm not eating dinner with her, and my frustration already sparked despite it being just a feeling, which I know is my fault. I was thinking about how I always went out of the way to make time to go home for dinner because I hated any thought of my mom feeling lonely, and I made sure to inform her whenever I wasn't going to. It seems though that she doesn't register it at all, and hoping my gut feeling would prove wrong I reached home.

Ended up I was right. It really sucks to be right in such cases.. She was playing mahjong, and the moment I reached home her overfriendly friend teased, (in Mandarin) "Aiya girl, never call before you come back, can help us go pick up the food!" which also means they ordered already. Without me. I just laughed (in submission to my fate, maybe) and when my mom was about to leave to get the food, I offered to help her. She asked if I ate and I tend to give roundabout answers when I'm hurt/angry, so I said never mind. Without probing she returned to playing and I overheard her saying, "She ate herself already la, she knows I'd be playing mahjong,". No, I don't know ok. I'm not psychic. And I know I'd DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY call  beforehand to inform her if I'm eating out.

Whoever's reading this, you'll probably find me sensitive/petty/etc., but don't you agree that the worst frustrations are built up from the smallest things? I'm just wondering if all the extra effort I put into being considerate for her is needed at all. I could very well be like a friend of mine who eats out at her will, without telling her mom until she calls to ask. She's happy and her mom is pretty used to it. Is this something I would do though? No.

It's something I often question myself over because even though I feel so freaking disheartened sometimes, my morals? principles? tell me to continue; after all she is the person I love the most and owe at least so much to. And also, I wished I thought about things less, because life is so damn miserable (at times), really.

HAHAHA

Okay so I WAS going to post a normal emo thinking full of shit post but I just read Shiqi's blog and was DAMN fascinated by her posts so...... hahahaha will try it out too. It's a good way of getting over the trauma that was my orientation aka Freshmen Teambuilding Camp.

So I went there all groggy on the first day at 730AM like I DON'T WANNA DO ANYTHING

When people actually initiated conversation I said hi

but I'm too awkward. Then they'll go away and I think

WOW THEY TALKED TO ME

Sadly I'm too unwilling to reciprocate so my face was always

and when people talk in groups I can't be heard so I can only look at them and

Ended up most of the time I was just the person at the back.

and I thought

so occasionally I tried going something like

but no one noticed so

but really in my heart........

Also the toilets are

Just saying. Anyway while we were playing games and people looked at me I was like

then they'd talk to me. But I would only just be "ok"

instead of

which is what they would have wanted, so they turn away again and naturally I return to

Occasionally looking at people having fun and joking happily like

I bitterly think

but I have to laugh out of politeness so

when actually

Thennnnnn on the second day we had the Finale Night; people went all

and this guy even did a b-boy headstand and I thought he fell down so I was

but no he didn't so thankfully I went

But without proper friends I still couldn't have fun so I really wanted to go home

People would ask me what's wrong but I look at 'dem and

No no, nothing's wrong....!

AND IT'S SRSLY OK BECAUSE I DANCE ALONE FINE

Finally on the last day we had this writing activity where you passed a notebook w your name around and I peeked at other people's....

I was like wait that person has sooo much more than me ):

So really FINALLY FINALLY when the time to break camp came I was like

ADIOS SUCKERS

while thinking in my heart that I gotta do better next time~~

and thanking God that I came out alive. PTL.

***

OK this was a tiring post........... Now

(FOR SLEEP)

HAHAHA yeah okay so I almost only have SNSD gifs and a few sparse othergroup ones! Couldn't leave Jo Kwon's out since his expressions are priceless.

OK OFF TO SLEEP ADIOS FRANZ