Exhaustion

I've reached this point where I'm so busy I'm afraid to sleep. I'm so tired, exhausted, worn out, my eyelids are heavy and my brain's a mess, but I can't go to sleep because I have so much work to do. I can only allow myself to stare, even if I'm not getting anything done, eyes open but empty, terror-stricken by the impending hours that will swallow me whole again.

There are short windows of time where I'm granted an adrenaline rush that half feels like a panic attack, such as right now. I feel like crying, but I feel like I should use the energy to do work. And my mind seems to working better than ever, linking up things, to my detriment. The more aware you are, the more you realize you'd rather be oblivious.

Moment(s)

Imagine:

The us in this moment are one of many, infinite, others of us. In every single moment -- moments finer than dust which we cannot comprehend with units of time -- God creates a new dimension of me, you, and everyone. You who are reading this now is different from the you in the next moment, and the next, and the next. Every time we communicate, when we truly make a connection, there is that exactness in the dimensions of those two people that leads to them clicking. Any next moment, it could be lost, because we are different again from the dimension in the previous moment, and the previous moment, and in the next moment, again.

To me, there's a beauty in thinking this way. Any connection between two changing beings is sacred. Fragile. Easily lost in the infinite many moments. And, the us struggling in this moment are different from the us laughing in another. Treasure this moment now. Be it in joy or in pain, we'll never get it again.

Inverse

I'm not sure if pushing myself like that is good. I've been on a crazy productive streak, and all of a sudden yesterday night I felt so drained to the extent that I just shut down until this morning. I thank God for helping me pull through the day today -- through seven hours of lessons of which I was utterly dreading because I didn't prepare for them at all. 

I just ended class, and I stayed in the room to do some research for my meeting later, and as the laptop screen dimmed I got a shock by just how bad my eyebags were. The me of the past never had eyebags -- I would never forgo sleep to that extent. But it has been becoming a more and more frequent occurrence these days.....these, months? My time has been flying by because I'm really utilizing them I must say. Practically, realistically, it's a great thing. But I'm drawing this energy from somewhere invisible and it's taking a toll on me.

I believe that by faith, I would draw my energy from Christ. But am I lacking in that faith currently? Why am I so disturbed by the workaholic I've become? This wonder and doubt seems so inane, but it's on my mind so much I'm haunted by it. I hope it goes away as I get used to it...