this is the second time in my life i’m experiencing such pain. the last time i attributed the severity of it to having to keep it all down and buried, but this time, even being able to share and having loved ones by me and loving on me, it hurts. it feels like a part of me has died and been lost forever. and every person i tell is another nail in the coffin, a shovel of soil, the tightening of the noose around my neck. the pain shivers my core and aches my bones and there is a silent scream i can’t silence and i can’t handle it.
i don’t want to.
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