Let's play pretend,

Sometimes I wish, that I could just disappear without a trace for a while, and then come back as someone I wanted to be. Everyone hates unexplained changes, everyone hates to be left ignorant and unsure, and confused. That restricts us, or maybe only me, from changing ourselves, and if only I had an excuse to fall back on.. I wanna change everything about me. My stupidity, my accomodative nature, my lack of discipline. Selfishly I just wanna be straightforward, I wish I could be someone who would really just say what I want when I want it, and if I get rejected of it, then so be it. I'd be cool with it.

Isn't it easier when we just say what we want, instead of having to guess one another's thoughts and feelings all day long? Or, for example, to just say I love you when you do feel it, instead of keeping it in and causing so much distress for yourself. I've seen too much of that around.. And isn't it easy if you just say, "I feel horrible, I feel sad, I feel like shit" when you do? To strip ourselves bare and present the most raw parts of us to the world -- instead of the facades, the masks, the pretenses we put up everyday.

Screw social norms, I seriously hate them.

Back and forth

Okay hiii, been a while since I've updated huh? Haha somehow, I only update when my mood is a less than or equal to neutral.. So yeah. Idk why I felt, should I say lonely (?), all of a sudden just now. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it was the atmosphere of seeing the sun set and sky darken while feeling insignificant.

Really, is the future all we're supposed to work for in life? To me, it just seems like a never ending chase, always having to run for something better, something bigger. It really has become a flout of society's rules to be content. I don't care about victory, about achievements, about all that, really. The times I care, they're mere sparks which shine so bright for a while and extinguish mere instants later. Call me a good-for-nothing, but is being content a sin? Screw rules, screw norms, screw expectations, they have screwed me up all my life.

On the other hand.., recently I realized that during down times, listening to sad songs gives me some solace and maybe comfort that someone else understands my pain. Meanwhile, during happy times, it doesn't actually dampen my mood, but it helps me reflect and not get caught up in my joy and ecstasy instead. Haha, maybe it helps in making me more rational and cool-headed? Hopefully.

Hectic week next week. One week to Adivs.

C

One hundredth post of which at least half are irritatingly depressing, yay.

Haha just wanted to say, I thought of something random today:
"I'd love anyone who knew and yet accepted, this miserable excuse of a human I am"

Hah alright, gotta work hard on complex numbers. Bye!

Drink driving

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight

And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

-

It's April's Fool Day today, and I once told somebody that I was going to smile through the pain, till the pain subsides and fades, and my smile is from the heart again. With that in mind, I made use of this day, and I laughed and played, joked and fooled around, just like the old times back in my childhood. But well, I guess all good things come to an end though, I still have to face reality eventually.

And the smiles cease when I unmask myself to discover yet again how crippled and crushed I am inside. When can I finally, again, experience what a heartfelt smile feels like on my face?