Multiplier effect

edit: Ah, originally posted sometime in July 2015, but I accidentally reverted it as a draft and had to republish it. Date isn't accurate.

Sick. Uneasy. These feelings have been plaguing me for a few days now. At first I thought it was the low from having physically and mentally exhausted myself over two plus days, but I got enough rest for me to second guess that. I guess we can't always explain feelings at the first instance, but when events that are remotely negative start following soon after, it's easy to pin the unease down as a premonition to the following events. Crazy. Confirmation bias.

Anyway. I've been on edge ever since Monday. After getting a full day of uneasy rest, I went to work on Tuesday (where I was jumpy and irritated), and finally felt a little more restful on Wednesday, until at night when I visited my uncle in the hospital. Seeing his condition unnerved me. I'm not sure whether it's that I usually find him welcoming me so enthusiastically when I visit his house, forcing me to have a soft drink and finish the snacks on the table, that this time, conditioning led my senses to expect the same but to be sorely let down. I don't want to describe the state he was in because it hurts to recall it. But I'm confused. Disturbed. Experience has taught me that it's "sad" and "worrying". But this feeling in me, I can't pin it down as that. It's... A sort of autopilot. I definitely am functioning just like any other day. Still joking, still texting, still daydreaming. But some layer of me is detached. It's as if I would look back on today and remember only this layer and nothing of what I've done. That layer feels like a sort of gloom, makes it feel colder today, makes it harder to smile, makes every effort more tiring to exert.

And it's not just this. Things have been going wrong today, everyday things that usually I may have taken in stride, but today the poison feels xxxx times more potent. It's crazy, but it almost feels like it's not the first of many days that I've gotten a headache from putting up a front.

It's like my flesh is alive but my soul is dead. Or dying. God, help me. I don't even know this feeling I feel...

Small joys

I thought I heard them at first, but as I saw the cars driving over the uneven roads, I presumed that I'd thought too much of it. 

It wasn't until I saw red sparkles reflected in the windows of a high rise building that I audibly gasped. Fireworks! So... Today marks the start of the NDP rehearsals. While I don't care much for the parade, I  quite treasure the fireworks display (as do I during New Year celebrations). 

I remember hiding behind the wall and covering my ears when we used to be able to see fireworks from our bedroom. I never liked the booms and claps of the explosives, only peeking every once in a while at the neon colours and patterns until they were enveloped in smoke.

And then the NDP moved away from the Indoor Stadium to Marina Bay (or was it the Padang first???) and I was left with the booms and claps. They started to mean much more to me, standing in for the sparkles I could no longer see, and in later years, symbolizing a childhood memory I now miss.

There are times when we get mistaken about things, but that's really only sometimes. We just need to look harder and more often than not, we'd find out that our intuition's actually quite accurate. Though we may not understand what's going on immediately, but intuition's in the heart, and to me, that's all that matters.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5 NKJV)

Stills in Europe

http://qingerie.vsco.co/journal/europe-15

Reaaaally procrastinating editing the photos with us three (and then later us two) in it because we just have so many! Gosh. Hahhaa. Enjoy these meanwhile :)

Home is behind, the world ahead

It feels great to be back in my comfort zone. Lying on my bed, tasting my mom's cooking, taking the train without looking twice at the map...

Yet... I miss traveling already. The awe of new places and people. The exhaustion that's more than worth it. Mostly I was half-suspended in a dream-like state, sometimes forgetting where we were or what we were doing. There wasn't a moment when I wasn't looking, but there certainly were many moments when I wasn't thinking (and I'm thankful for having the best company who saves me time and again).

Many times I felt overwhelmed and overloaded from seeing and walking too much (from eating too much? NEVER!). But that's part and parcel of it and I would never have pushed myself hard enough this way had I been alone.

And even in new places, forging new memories, I've learnt that I will always carry old ones. Some good ones that made me nostalgic, some bad ones which made me close my eyes and exhale deeply. Wherever you go, you bring a part of all you've been. It's a good thing I think, that while you may lose your way in a foreign place, you can never ever lose yourself. I think that grounds me quite a bit. Good or bad, I will always have me, and where I am, there God will be. 

x

Europe

Whatever may come, it'll be an eye-opening and enriching experience :)

xxx TBC

damned

a dam. i've always felt this barrier between the front half and back half of my head. it's a dumb barrier -- it doesn't keep murky water back without keeping clean water back. it doesn't leak just clean water without also letting some murky water go. and in the withholding, murky and clean mix, but murky will always pollute the clean, first, anyway. 

a laugh as easily breaks into tears, and happy thoughts mix with the bad just as water does. but behind a dam, no one sees, no one cares. no one wants a flood, nor does anyone worry until the dam cracks. the dam becomes a wall, and no one remembers consciously the water laying behind.

Self-victimization

Usually, talking about things provide no solution, but the act itself brings some liberation of the pent-up emotions inside. I hope this does the trick for me.

It's easy to succumb to your darker feelings sometimes. Feeling bitter, lonely, frustrated, annoyed... They're easy to allow in, and they take over you like an infestation. What's scary about these feelings is that if you were never to speak of them, and if you're great at putting a smile on your face, no one would ever know. And it embroils into a vicious cycle where you become increasingly alienated from speaking of them because honestly, who cares?

Well, turns out, most people do. But when I'm sickened, it doesn't help that I know.

God. I can't deny that God is the one I can always turn to. But when I'm feeling more human than anything, it overwhelms me to think of spirituality. I just need some human comfort, and that is in very, very, very very low supply.

I'm taking an emotional retreat. I'm just going to close my eyes whenever I feel bitter, and pretend to be blind to my feelings, because most people are. I can't blame anyone but myself for that, and so "self-victimization" is apt -- I'm both the victim and perpetrator.

-

One big reason why I can't study at home is because I indulge in thinking. In just lying fixated on a spot, thinking, reflecting, but really most of the time just wondering about nothing at all.

Exhaustion

I've reached this point where I'm so busy I'm afraid to sleep. I'm so tired, exhausted, worn out, my eyelids are heavy and my brain's a mess, but I can't go to sleep because I have so much work to do. I can only allow myself to stare, even if I'm not getting anything done, eyes open but empty, terror-stricken by the impending hours that will swallow me whole again.

There are short windows of time where I'm granted an adrenaline rush that half feels like a panic attack, such as right now. I feel like crying, but I feel like I should use the energy to do work. And my mind seems to working better than ever, linking up things, to my detriment. The more aware you are, the more you realize you'd rather be oblivious.

Moment(s)

Imagine:

The us in this moment are one of many, infinite, others of us. In every single moment -- moments finer than dust which we cannot comprehend with units of time -- God creates a new dimension of me, you, and everyone. You who are reading this now is different from the you in the next moment, and the next, and the next. Every time we communicate, when we truly make a connection, there is that exactness in the dimensions of those two people that leads to them clicking. Any next moment, it could be lost, because we are different again from the dimension in the previous moment, and the previous moment, and in the next moment, again.

To me, there's a beauty in thinking this way. Any connection between two changing beings is sacred. Fragile. Easily lost in the infinite many moments. And, the us struggling in this moment are different from the us laughing in another. Treasure this moment now. Be it in joy or in pain, we'll never get it again.

Inverse

I'm not sure if pushing myself like that is good. I've been on a crazy productive streak, and all of a sudden yesterday night I felt so drained to the extent that I just shut down until this morning. I thank God for helping me pull through the day today -- through seven hours of lessons of which I was utterly dreading because I didn't prepare for them at all. 

I just ended class, and I stayed in the room to do some research for my meeting later, and as the laptop screen dimmed I got a shock by just how bad my eyebags were. The me of the past never had eyebags -- I would never forgo sleep to that extent. But it has been becoming a more and more frequent occurrence these days.....these, months? My time has been flying by because I'm really utilizing them I must say. Practically, realistically, it's a great thing. But I'm drawing this energy from somewhere invisible and it's taking a toll on me.

I believe that by faith, I would draw my energy from Christ. But am I lacking in that faith currently? Why am I so disturbed by the workaholic I've become? This wonder and doubt seems so inane, but it's on my mind so much I'm haunted by it. I hope it goes away as I get used to it...

Boyhood

Down with the flu and medicine makes me groggier and drowsier than ever... So today, I stayed at home instead of going for the usual Friday training. I was already having a headache from sleeping too much, but at the same time, I felt too lethargic to do actual work. After lazing around for the longest while, I decided on watching Boyhood.

For those who don't know, Boyhood is a movie shot over 12 years, documenting, as its name suggests -- the growing up of a boy. It's amazing because it the whole 12 years of it was shot with the same cast, and the script was never complete; it was always being discussed and improvised with the cast themselves, moulded around their own experiences. 

It's not a great movie per se, tbh. It doesn't bring you great joy nor sorrow, it doesn't make you excited, it doesn't entertain, it doesn't have stunning graphics.

What it does, though, is paint a startlingly reflective picture of life. Of my life, at least. It starts with the perplexity about adults from a kid's perspective; then, the slow (albeit still cruel) easing -- into a realization of the fragility of life, of relationships, of people and what they ever thought they were and wanted to be; and lastly, it ends with telling us how life is never really in your control.

It reinforces the whole "how do you know what you want is what you really want?" conundrum. And the eventual answer the film provides is: you'll ever only know what it is for this moment. The ending is sweet, quote-worthy, but well, it isn't an ending to me, because it doesn't close the story there. It's not a conclusion. Instead, it sort of is a progression, for the protagonist, and for me, the audience.

After watching it, I'm convinced it's not exactly a movie. Movie buffs are gonna be bored out of their minds. Instead, it's a creative and original medium that provokes your thoughts and makes you review your life -- if that's what you're looking for. I know I enjoyed it.

Trust

Try new things. Learn to go into anything without expectations, taking each step like you would a breather -- one by one. After all, no matter where or what you wander into, you'll always have God, and God will always have you.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. (‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭31‬:‭6‬ NIV)

Worth

So recently, I stopped using social media. I've been such an avid user since secondary school days -- Friendster, Facebook, Twitter, bla bla bla. You name it, I've used it. I realize I have so much to say about this now that I reflect upon it. When I left primary school, I told myself: I'm going to be a different person in secondary school. I'm going to make lots of friends, I'm going to make my life fun. I guess primary school wasn't very fulfilling for me, in the sense that I was mostly studying and my friendships were largely unmemorable. And so I entered the phase of life where we as humans learn the most and shape our own identities and kind of build the foundations of what we treasure and what we believe in. I entered this phase, thinking, I want to build connections. I want more people in my life.

I believe that's a large factor contributing to why I used social media so much. I was always searching for validation: for the comments on my pages, for the likes, for the assurance from my friends that they craved connection with me as much as I craved it with them. I was looking for security. And over the years I got better at it of course -- at figuring out what made people tick, at making friends, at building connections. In JC I loved it, I could talk to anyone and I didn't mind saying hi to people first, and that portrayed me as highly sociable, as having a large social circle. It had its drawbacks at that time, but that's a story for another day. More importantly, after all that, I've realized how much I was building my self-image based on what others see of me, and what I perceive of others.

People should have a healthy balance of self-worth and social worth. Entering university, I decided that I had enough of socializing, and I decided to focus on the friendships I already have. But the foundations that were built while growing up never really go away -- I still used social media fervently, and increasingly I found myself being bitter that I no longer had as much to show as before. I found myself envying the highly social lives that others led, and again, I felt like I was missing out. I felt small, and I felt unhappy.

That was when I chanced upon a quote, and here I paraphrase: social media makes you compare your everyday life to that of others' highlight reels. It may not matter this much to many of you, but for me, as someone who craves social validation, who builds an identity out of being social since a long time ago, it was extremely delibitating. I realized that if I truly wanted to focus on the friendships I already had, and to treasure this toned down social life I was choosing, I had to steer clear of comparison. I couldn't bring myself to delete the social media accounts themselves -- after all I had good memories recounted there too -- so, I deleted the apps from my phone. 

This simple act has changed so much, albeit being invisible to many others. I realized the something I've been missing out on: building my self-worth. I have to admit that it's been hard to adapt of course. I easily fall into the mental state of "oh I wish I could be more approved of by people", but then I kick myself and I remind myself: "no one will tell you you are worthy -- you're the only one who will tell yourself you're worthy". And I guess well sometimes people do tell me that I'm worthy (I thank God for the many great people in my life), but if I'm not telling myself that, then it's not going to be consistent. I need to stop letting external factors define me. I need to stop shaming myself for my failures and I need to stop being so worried about what people see of me. Instead, let's focus on the positives here: I need to believe that I am worthy. I need to learn to challenge myself and improve myself constantly. I need to be more self-centred. Self-centredness doesn't have to be negative, it can be a way through which I reflect upon myself and check my beliefs, my behavior, and what I portray. I can still focus on the relationships in my life, but I will constantly examine whether the part of it which has an effect on my social worth is overwhelming my self-worth.

It will be a challenge, and I have to say that it's never something anyone can truly "achieve", but I want to work towards it. Currently, I use my spare time to read up on the news, to listen to TED talks, and to chat with my friends privately. One thing I must mention is although I've never really read the Bible, God works in miraculous ways and He has really blessed me and helps me despite how I'm lacking, and now I read the Bible sometimes too. And I believe it's a good change. Let's hope it is! :)

/edit: relevant for me to revisit this article + for anyone who thinks they're too busy for things https://medium.com/thelist/the-cult-of-busy-bbb124caed51 

Snails

// typed December 7

This is strangely upsetting. So, I just saw a snail crossing a path, and like y'know, we've all gotten that thought in our heads about the poor snail taking so long to cross that they'll probably be stepped on before they do. And I briefly contemplated whether I should pick it up and put it on the other side. But I didn't. I wanted to, but I was walking away, three steps, five, I crossed the bridge over the canal and past a basketball court and I still thought that I should have. I kinda regretted it, but I thought it was no big deal. Law of attraction -- I immediately saw a poor squashed snail in the middle of the road. Wow. Way to go...

Some people say regret is the most useless emotion ever. For me, it works, because I only ever regret in hindsight when at that very moment, I thought it was right, but I didn't do it. I always tell myself never to regret what felt right at that moment, and I guess I kinda went against this principle. So, even though it's seemingly a small thing, it has deeper implications for me... Besides, I do kinda like snails lol. All they're ever doing is their best.

On what goes on unseen

Being comfortable with other people is great. But sometimes there needs to be a limit drawn on just how comfortable you're going to allow yourself to be. Your comfortable could infringe upon my comfortable, and comfort can become a burden. Not for you, but for others. We need to find a balance, and if I must say, I'd usually rather find my sphere of comfort in that of others'.

-

Envy is a "you'll never have enough no matter what" kind of feeling and I believe it boils down to be greed. And I'm a damn greedy person, even though I've tried to be content for as long as I can remember. I need to chase and crash and burn to truly learn, man. Sigh. Will things ever be enough?

2015

Resolutions:

1. Learn to show my appreciation without expecting returns. 

2. Look forward and put down what's in the past. 

3. Work hard for myself and be responsible for my own well being.