eye of your storm

less than an hour goes by before i have to stop and steel myself over how i feel. for two weeks, we had a chance again, because you wanted. and now at the end of it, i’m left battered again. so are you, but this was your storm. your back and forth, fickleness, your insecurities, your pain. i stood in your rain and tried to put up an umbrella for once, but that incurred your heavenly wrath. now that i’ve decided to walk out, i find myself sick to the stomach. and even now some lightning bolts from your storm still find their way to me, in words you carefully craft but i don’t know whether are true. i don’t know what’s real anymore. i’m walking away but the water is in my lungs and my bones and i want to keel over and die. 

last ride home

i met you today. part of me feared how it would play out, but it was far better than i imagined. both of us have calmed down and reflected a fair amount, and managed to communicate our pain and love adequately. through that we were also still able to clearly see and agree that we wouldn’t work out now even if we tried. 

i felt so happy being able to chat with you about the everyday of the last two months. i felt so glad you were coping with it the best way you could, healthier than i imagined in my head. a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. 

i felt so thankful you offered me a ride home. i don’t know if you brought your extra helmet for me or because you already had it from sending your sister, but i didn’t ask. it didn’t matter. this last ride home was rainy but i felt warm, and i felt safer than any time i rode myself. i tried to commit to memory the feeling of your jacket in my hands, your helmet and its scratches, your messy braid. the way i learnt to dress for riding from you. i hope i remember it forever.

today i hoped to help you, but really it helped me too. i have so much love for you and i always will. thank you.

crab claw

in a world that wasn’t gentle to you, i was the harshest. i’m sorry. 

battered

i got past what would’ve been our seven year anniversary. i know you did too, but did you remember? it’s sad that even now that we’re over, i’m still hung up over whether you remember important milestones like this or not. i had a scheduled message that i set long ago, that was sent to me in january, to remind me of a present i had thought to get you for either our anniversary or your birthday. but instead it just reminded me of the heartbreak and loss. the book i’m reading now tells me people like me think that putting in all our effort in is necessary to keep relationships going. it implies relationships don’t need a 100% effort to keep going. i still can’t accept this. i put in 100% and i wanted 100% from you. isn’t it worth it? wasn’t it worth it? it was worth it for me. i would do it again, even now that i know putting in 100% still gives no guarantees.