To the people who are wondering how I feel now, I'm now going to tell you everything. You may have asked me how I felt or something, but I might not have said it cause I would just cry. If I cry, I won't be able to talk about it. And when I try to start, I'll just cry again. So yeah, I'd rather be happy for all of you, than dampen your moods. Crying ..can be left to be done alone. If I've cried in front of you today, I'm very sorry. I try very hard to clench my teeth and get over it, but I break sometimes. I apologize..
But now, I'm typing these here, so that if you really really wanna know how I feel, at least you can read this to find out. Cause I'd never be able to say it, without dropping a single tear.
This is today's story through my eyes. It'll be a long one.
For the past few days, I've been having the feeling that I'm gonna retain. It seemed like God's trying to give me a warning, so that it wouldn't be an overshock for me. Today morning, I overslept. My mom and bro said that no matter how they shook me, I wouldn't wake up.. Makes me wonder if I was trying to escape from all that was coming, haha. But I woke up 15mins before results giving started, then I rushed to school.
I reached right on time for GP. First, we got the essays. I looked at the comments, and it looked fine. I thought I was gonna pass for sure. So, I flipped, and wow, I got 31/50. Highest ever in this year. Then, I got my compre, which was a little disappointing, 24/50. But the overall was good, so I was content. More than content. Huiying congratulated me again and again, and I was so happy I was shaking. Then Mdm Ainon came up to me and said, "Zhiqing, I loved your essay. So I'm gonna submit it for the GP bulletin." Yeah, and I thought there was surely going to be hope. God was going to let me promote.
And then, I repeated again and again in my mind, "Just have to pass maths or econs, then I can promote already!!!" So I was looking forward to maths, since it was quite easy. 1013 got back theirs faster than us, and I looked as a few people went "YES!!!" and all. I got quite hopeful. Then I got the paper, and I looked. Oh, my tian. 31. 31/100. Or rather, 103. Wah die, gone already! But I was still hopeful, I smiled, told myself it was gonna be okay, and talked to Jiesheng, Liyao, Lucian, the people around me. I felt alright.
Then, chem. Totally expected, I didn't study for it what. I placed alllll my hope on maths and econs. No comments here.
Next, was econs. I thought I could probably pass, it wasn't that hard, right? I got back my essay Q1, oh 12/25. Okay, not bad, not bad. Then case study. 11/30. Shit, Must get a little bit better for the last essay question! Then can pass already!! And came the score sheet. I looked. My heart sunk. Under the essay Q2 column, there were rows and rows of double digits. And then one sole, lonely, single digit. Wah, who's that suay person? I looked at the row to the left..... And staring back at me in disbelief was my own name. Ha, got you huh!, it screamed at me. I actually got 9/25 for my macroecons question, what a joke! And everyone got so much better! I felt weak and helpless, that's all that I could feel.. Yeah, then I stoned a while, let it settle in.. Okay then I breathed, chilled, went to talk to Calise, Cindy, Huixian, Shiqi for a while. They were all okay so far, not bad. Then I went to talk to Alicia, Shanice, Siaoyi, Vivien, Weiling. Not bad also, they thought they would retain and they've been proved wrong, so yeah. (Not sure if this applies to all of them, but whatever.) I think at this point of time, it hadn't dawned upon me that I had failed three H2s. The world was still ..revolving, at least.
Went to look for Chekwei for a while, decided to talk later. He looked pretty down.
Went back to my class. Not sure if it was this point of time, but we saw Katrina crying in front. I don't know what happened, but Cindy went to console her, yup. Then Calise started talking about how when she consoles people, the person just ends up crying even harder. We all laughed and all, then Huixian said she didn't like to see her friends cry. And Shiqi pretended to cry, then Huixian like, pretended to hit her those type, haha super funny. Then I went to sit with the 1013 people (A, S, S, V, W) and this time Alison was there too. I told Weiling it'd be a joke if next year, there'll be a retainee's essay inside the GP bulletin. Argh. But shut up, then played throw catch using a M&M tube with Siaoyi while Alison and Weiling tried to intercept, then went back behind again for chinese. And cause I was scared since my ELL teacher was like sitting there.
Chinese was good, but I was numb, so it made no difference.
Okay then, talked to the 1013 people a while, then Jiesheng for a while, then stoned. Then Mrs Lee's voice echoed in the hall, "ELL students please proceed to the front ..." Yeah, so I stood up, looked around for some of the others so that we could walk up together. Gasper and Isabella walked up, so I walked along with them. Then very quickly, she passed the papers to us. I looked at it. Oh, shit. 18/50. Wts, wts, wts, wts, wts! I opened my paper, I got 8/25 for the part I expected to fail. Then suddenly it struck me - Huh?! I got 10 for the first part?! And I flipped. Yeah, 10/25. And I thought I would get like, super high? Like at least a 17? And .......10? I couldn't believe my own eyes. We exchanged our marks, Cass gave me an encouraging pat on the shoulder. Liz asked me about it and then she hugged me. All I felt was, stunned. So I quickly returned the script to Mrs Lee and walked off. I walked to my class people, then like packed my bag cause I knew they were just waiting for me to go off. And then Huixian asked me, "Hey how was ELL?" and then Idk why, it came all of a sudden. I swear, I shocked myself.
My tears suddenly burst out and I hugged Huixian, and just kept crying. She was quite poor thing, like she was like "Huh huh huh what happened?? 不要吓我, 不要吓我!!" and all I did was cry. Then Calise, Cindy, Shiqi came over, asked me what happened, all that. At this point of time, I think I wasn't in the right frame of mind, cause right now I can't remember why I could say the things I said. I told them that I failed all four H2s. But I didn't exactly 'realize' it, it just came out of my mouth, and only then did it occur to me. And I continued crying. Then I heard something that they said about how I was making them cry too, and then Huixian was saying it quite dramatically, so I started laughing a bit, but I think they thought I was still crying. Then I think Shiqi told Calise to go away in case I cry even more (refer back to our talk about how when Calise consoles someone the person cries even harder), and this made me laugh super hard. So I let go of Huixian, and then Huixian was like, "Huh?!?!?! So is tears of joy or what?!!" then I laughed even more. So I kinda stopped a bit. Just a bit, then I started again. They passed me tissue and then Shiqi talked to me at the side. She told me to just believe, that it's not the end, and to pray, to have faith in God. So I calmed down, and went back to them, then we left for PW. (Thanks so much guys.. I love you all.)
Okay, then I replied Weiling that I failed, and I put the phone back into my pocket. After a while, we walked out of the hall, and then I saw her, Shanice, and Vivien walking towards us. Oh man, she's coming to console me.. And suddenly I just broke down again. I cried outside the hall (hahaha, embarassing..) on Weiling's shoulder, then Shiqi they all handed me tissue again, then Weiling just dragged me to the toilet. We talked a bit, she gave me super a lot of toilet paper, then she just kept joking to make me laugh. Shanice offered me her cookies and cream ice blended, I rejected. At this point of time, I felt a little uncomfortable, like the world was coming to an end, like, this was it. But I stopped crying, then they escorted me up to the comp lab cause I had to do PW. Weiling passed me the Biscuit Cola (the one stick one stick biscuit) and I just ate whatever she gave me. It tasted ..tasteless. People walking past me looked at me like I was crazy, like some little kid who just cried and was being humoured using a biscuit. Hmm, then we walked a round to look at all the paintings, and they didn't appeal to me much. Then finally they had to leave to do PW, and Shanice and Vivien each threw their Polar biscuit and Oheya to me. I rejected, cause I knew I had no appetite. But they insisted, so I also didn't bear to reject, and so they left. Then I realized that she actually had replied to me that she would come find me. If I saw it earlier, maybe I wouldn't have broke down, hmm.
Then Kiahyeen, my PW group leader, asked me to look at the script. I guess she didn't realize I cried. So I walked to a computer further away, then tried to start doing. But as I did my stuff, tears flowed down my face.. But I'm glad no one saw. The lab was quite empty. Everyone had to be celebrating, either that or they were too depressed to do PW. But I beared with it, not like if I'm sad, I can just throw PW aside right.. Then before long we had to return to the classroom cause the teacher wanted to teach us presentation skills. We had to come up with a product to modify and sell. So we discussed. Halfway through discussion, Gaby cried. People rushed up to console her, and I wanted to go over to hug her and tell her that I understood, I understood the pain so much.. But I didn't, of course. She went to the toilet, and then we continued discussion and all. Finally came our turn, walked up to the front, felt so fragile. Lucian smiled at me, I smiled back. Beared with all the pain I was in and just presented our product to the group, like nothing even happened. Yeah then blah blah.. And our group was 'the best', so the teacher said he'd get chocolate for us. Lesson ended, then Kiahyeen told me to go to the library. They left first while I talked to Huixian and Shiqi. We talked about our results, then Shiqi asked me what I would take if I retained. I answered, like I just went on and on cause I was thinking it would probably happen already. Then Huixian suddenly like complained and asked me to stop, cause she was going to cry.. ): And Shiqi and I both laughed, cause she was like crying over nothing. Cindy, who was doing PW at the back of the room, also laughed and asked her, "Aiyo Huixian 你什么事!!". Shiqi tried to offer tissue, then Huixian said she didn't want. So we asked her what was wrong, and she said: "I don't want you to retain..." and ahhhh, that broke my heart. I started crying too, but laughed at the same time cause it was quite.. Funny. But I felt super touched, really. Then Huixian, seeing me cry, cried even harder, and then she decided that "she wanted the tissue after all", haha! We stopped after laughing for a while, then I left to find my group. Ended up they went to the comp lab. Yeah, then did a while, Kiahyeen asked me and Dingyang for our promos results, then I just shook my head. I didn't wanna cry again. So we continued, and we finished. And I left.
Chekwei passed me a whole ton of snacks also, and asked me to take care. My whole bag's full of snacks from people....
When I was outside, and on the verge of tears, I wanted to scream. I wanted to just tell everyone, "I'm in pain, I'm in so much pain, help..."
Yeah, then at home, I got nagged by my mom about the usual stuff.. Like why I hadn't bathed yet, why am I so lazy, etc. And I almost cried.. So I got my clothes, and I went into the bathroom. And I cried, and cried, and cried. Mommy, I wonder, if you knew my pain right now, would you still scold me and shout at me like that? I'm so sorry for disappointing you..
People smsed me to ask me to cheer up, all that. I don't know how to reply, very honestly.. Like, I don't want to lie to myself and you all by telling you that I will fight on, and whatever. Cause I feel so weak. Yet I also don't want all of you to worry about me.. Now, maybe you guys might just want to play with me? Fun is the only way I can forget about things, I guess. I hope..
***
Quoting Liyao. "It's not the retaining, it's the helplessness.":
Yeah.. I failed 4H2s. Even my ELL, like ahh.. I don't know what to do. I'm bound to retain, unless a miracle happens or something. My feelings conflict so much today. Like, I told God that there must be a reason why I did so badly, there must be something that's in store for me, right? And then I try to be strong. But the next moment, I'm crying to Him, asking Him if there's any other way, cause I don't want this, it hurts, it hurts so freaking much.
Honestly, SO WHAT if I have to spend one more year? It's good what, I'll be able to do better for everything. But.. Look, there's so much more to it.
Firstly, I won't be able to face my mom. All I've wanted to do in my life was to make her proud of me and recently, to convince her that I could be responsible for myself, but look what shit I've gotten myself into now? My disappointment in myself is nothing compared to the pain I feel when I imagine my mom being disappointed in me..
Secondly, my friends will all promote, and if I retain.. Will you all still remember me after a while? How long will it take before all that's left is a hi and bye when we walk past each other for the next one year, before all of you leave while I'm still here?
Also, what looks of apprehension am I gonna get from everyone else? Teachers, relatives, peers who have promoted, the new J1s, my secondary school friends, EVERYONE. I don't want to be left behind, no..
Okay, then what about my post of vice-captain? Say bye, if I retain, I'm going to quit floorball right after Adivs.
All these are my own fault.. I didn't work hard enough, I screwed everything up.
God, it hurts. Save me.
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