Nightmares

Okay hi I have no idea how to start this blog post, cause my thoughts are everywhere. Ahhhhh. Anyhow, okay?

I'm reading this fanfic now, and I came across this sidenote by the author that said "sometimes, the expectations we have of the people we love only puts more burden on them". She was referring to the Korean artistes, cause inside the fanfic it was how the fans reacted to the relationship the girl and guy shared, and it was causing them loads of trouble blahblah.

Note: This blogpost is gonna get.. personal?

Okay, so I transferred this thought to myself. I mentioned in one of my previous blogposts (July: What to say, what not to say) that I really don't like 'expectations'.. Ahhh, yeah, everyone only means well and it's only human to expect something, but how I wish this didn't exist. But then again, without Hope what would we live for, and without Expectation how would we derive Surprise and Satisfaction..? The other side of the coin would then by what I'm most afraid of: Disappointment. Maybe this is something I need to learn to handle, cause I face it only too often. But that's also why I'd rather Expectations didn't exist.. Ah freak. I really really experience internal struggles within my mind very often. Maybe it's the mind VS the heart.

I question myself pretty often if the reason why I'm such a loser is cause I never ever truly pick myself up from every fall -- do I actually just close my eyes to the setback and numb myself to whatever emotions I have?
I don't know, I'm just wondering. Cause my problems always seem to resurface and creep into my life every single time. I always claim to cry, and then continue my life, but.. Ahhh. I just hide it deeper in my heart every time. The demon I'm facing now, no, who's BEHIND and INSIDE of me now, playing with my every emotion, is using.. floorball now. Every comment and every criticism, I try to correct myself to them, but nothing happens. Seriously, NOTHING happens. It's like me, trying to throw something so hard into the air in hope of reaching greater heights, but all that happens right after that is that it drops down right back at me, hitting me right smack in the face. For a moment that day, something inside me told me I hated floorball. But I knew it wasn't true, I liked this sport so much. I guess it was Expectations placing its burden on me again. And yes, people around me are those who only want the best for me, and I am so thankful towards them. The problem now is me. The invisible wall in front of me is.. Unbreakable. Every attempt at shooting, passing, dribbling, whatever, is just a gentle tap on the wall. And on the other side of this wall, is something called Improvement. "Outdo your limits", they often say. But when it's such a weak me against such a huge wall, what good does it do? I am so f-ing angry with myself, and when I use the F word (which btw is never), I mean something.

Okay, nevermind about that first. Now on to another thing I wanted to talk about: Friends. Is the reliance we dub as friendship one that says: "Find me when you need, throw me when you don't"? Really, don't you look for someone when you're having fun, and another when you need encouragement and consolation? So, when you're trouble free you have so much fun with someone, and then forget all about the other friend who was there for you when you needed them.
Argh, senseless ranting. I'm such an angry person recently, I'm sorry. Ah freak.