Avoidance

Are the feelings we feel because of habits, beliefs, personality or conditioning? Ok this is such a wtf question, I know, but I do wonder. I'm a little avoidant of commitments and of zeal towards myself, and I have no idea why. Is it part of my personality, like, am I supposed to change it? Perhaps I shouldn't change who I am, but if it causes me discomfort, and to an extent, fear, do I just accept it? Though there really is no benefit to liking attention, honestly. So I have no idea.

Confusion, confusion.

Is it fatigue or are these tears

Perhaps it's the wrong time to think about all that's went wrong. And no, I'm not talking about 4AM. I've been pretending to be too indifferent that it might actually be becoming real in me, and that just sucks. I don't know where to look now. It's like getting lost in a forest; no matter where you look, every tree looks the same, what more when your vision is blurred?

A reason for people to talk to you without seeming weird: Birthdays

I've never really placed much importance on my birthdays since young. Being a total nerd in primary school I never had friends surprising me or anything, nor did I have any birthday parties. I remember being so envious  of other people that there was this year I begged my mom to buy me a cake -- but for some reason I felt so embarrassed when my family sang a birthday song for me. I guess that was the start.

In secondary school my birthdays always clashed with exams: people had no time to study, what more celebrate birthdays? Well, there were people who did major nice stuff for me though, so I'm really thankful, but I was so depressed myself over how my birthday just had to clash with exams that I couldn't really appreciate it. Oh well. In 2009 my birthday was the O' Levels Geography paper, and in 2011 I was intensely studying for A's :(

This year, I found myself expecting more, perhaps because since entering uni, I've realized just how important friends really are. And so it kinda hurt, really, when a while had already passed after 12MN before I checked my phone and there were no messages from my closest friends. I ignored it though, and slowly they started coming (thank God). Met two of these people who didn't wish me for DIY steamboat (which was yummy and way-too-much heheh) and they had a surprise up for me! Kinda guessed but I'm still damn grateful for it! Thanks Xuan and Sher!! (heartz) ^^~ They decorated a cake from The Icing Room with a few inside jokes tsk (: And then we played our usual singing games and watched a horror movie lmao. It is my kind of ideal birthday though! Just a whole day slacking with friends, and nothing else. (:

When I reached home later on, two more people I were waiting for wished me at 1159PM, tsk... I was getting sad ok....... But well, faith restored! I gotta mention too that unexpected people wished me too, and I'm touched I would say. I think I'm starting to appreciate my birthday now. Yeah, like finally, after 18 years.

Okbye sorry if I sound really wishywashy or disjointed, I'm nodding off.... Here's my first blogpost as a 19-year old. Goodbye.

When did everything start falling apart

The moment you allow yourself to slide, you're gonna accelerate faster than you can control.

That's me right now: my emotions are a wreck, my work is undone, I'm just a boneless, souless mass. About the SMU Year 1 student who committed suicide and passed away, I feel for him. Nope, I'm not gonna do it too, I don't have the courage to. All I dare to do is run, run, run, run, run, run, run. Run. Run till I'm all exhausted, until my muscles cramp and refuse to work, until the tears roll past my face along with the wind.

Too bad I'm running away, not forward.

/

Too emo, sorry.

Ego

Aaaah okay instead of the hilarious snippet I just posted I shall have a proper post since I'm a little free.. Obviously there are things to do, but nah, they can wait till tomorrow while injecting life into my blog has to be done NOW.

Lol yeah. It's the end of Week 9 (funny how back in secondary school or JC I never even knew the month but now every week is so clear to me), one week closer to final terms. Nope, I'm not dreading it. Instead, all I wanna do is to get the remaining weeks over and done with, have my midterms, and then enjoy my nice long summer break. Did surprisingly o-kay for midterms, not as great as I expected myself to do before I entered uni, but well, shit happens right? But I have to also acknowledge that it's because I've yet to know how I'll do for BGS and Stats (no midterms, so gotta see how my quizzes fare) -- screwed up my BGS essay 'cause I left it till the end of Week 8 to do and I just had to fall sick, while Stats is yet to come!

I might just be adapting to uni life after all. Seeing things from another perspective helps; wow, I've grown huh? Hahahahahahaha. I do hate the work a lot, but the hate is beginning to place in me a mechanism to fight back. And through fights, one will grow. Just what I need; my state of mind has been stagnant for far too long.

But oh. On another note.
What does it mean when memories you've suppressed for so long start to revisit? Perhaps, hopefully, it means that I'm finally letting go of them. Hopefully.

#nowplaying Up - Epik High

You play too hard to get, bro

Some people argue that things are more rewarding when you're forced to pursue them. If you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day; but if you obscure a fish stick by hiding it at the end of a maze, the man will go buy fish sticks at the grocery store because nobody cares about your dumb maze. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA

With you, friends

Shall blog since I can't concentrate very well right now. Tomorrow's my Economics exam, and as usual, my attention span is shorter than ever. Oh well, what can I do when it comes to subjects I dislike?

Anyway, I was just thinking about the friends I have. Was just learning from Lynette today what exactly the looking glass self concept we talk about in Sociology is about, and for the benefit of non-Soci students:

"(...) a person's self grows out of society's interpersonal interactions and the perceptions of others. The term refers to people shaping themselves based on other people's perception, which leads the people to reinforce other people's perspectives on themselves."

Pretty legit if you think about it. Somehow we (or maybe just I) always end up proving people right, even if we try to deny it. The more we focus on it, the more likely for it to come true. Unless we're so dead set on opposing it, lol.

But as I was saying, I feel really grateful for the friends I have. They're always making me feel comfortable, and not to the point where it harms me (like condoning my misbehaviour or whatever). Sometimes, subconsciously, I honestly do get envious of groups I see doing "cool" stuff. But when I reflect upon it ...nah. I'm happy with the friends I have, doing our mundane stuff. Happiness isn't all about 'fun' or 'having a life', is it? Different groups have different dynamics, and I'm one of the chill ones. Though I get blinded by the flashy lives of others from time to time, when I close my eyes, what I see beyond the surface of my own life is contentment more than I could've ever asked for. (:

-

Sorry mom. It doesn't matter who's fault it is, but that both of us are hurt. And that sucks. Is it worse that we left the house empty, or that we both left the house feeling empty?

Cryptic post: don't read if hate confusion

Everyone has their demons. Things we've done, things we've felt and knew, things we thought would come but never did. Things...people. People we know, knew; miss, missed; love, loved -- basically people of our past and present.

There was a memorable once. There were then another few times the lines blurred, but I set them bold in ink.

I need to start expecting.

"Nothing good ever happens after 2am"

Or so what How I Met Your Mother advocates.

Nope, I don't watch it, and no, I'm not going to be watching it anytime in the near future. No motivation to. But true enough, though my efficiency peaks around the same timeframe of 2AM to ungodly ~5AM, so do my emotional levels. It's the kind of timing you reminisce and find yourself missing every small memory, and wonder what you're doing with yourself -- even if life isn't currently all that bad.

I can't help it right now though. Had a Salted Caramel Frappe in the afternoon (it's on a 1-for-1 promo at Starbucks this entire week) and then some iced tea for dinner, and then, Tom N Tom's Caramel Macchiato at night. The overconsumption of caffeine never occured to me until insomnia kicked in.. It's 5AM now and I feel tired, but awake, albeit dazedly. I've refreshed all there is to refresh on Twitter, resorted to checking Facebook out, read several ThoughtCatalog articles and even watched an episode of a HK drama without audio. But nope, I'm still here, typing away.

Ok, blogging helps. I feel sleepy now. Goodnight ....or morning.

Dirty breaks

Everything needs getting used to. A new environment, new people to talk to, new things to do. At the same time, you've to get rid of the habits from your old environment, handle the absence of your previous daily companions, and stop missing those feelings you once had. Perhaps not entirely, but yeah.

It's hard to do. God pampered me in JC, and now I'm spoilt, slightly sad that things aren't going as smoothly. Here, there are so many things to cope with, time is such a scarce resource; you'd wish your closest friends were always by your side again. Uni life is so hectic that people rush and go -- classes are for paying attention, meetings are for focused discussion, meals are just for filling up your tummies... When did relationships become so hard to build?

I'm gonna admit, there's been a vague emptiness in me ever since school started. Of course, there are great people whom I have had the fortune to know, but there doesn't seem to be enough time for the bonds to fortify. Maybe I'm too impatient? Lol if only I could have them all be in the same classes as me.. Well until then, the emptiness is here to stay.

Who among us lie

I used to be so self-righteous and always thought that I tried my best while people were the ones failing me. Well now that I think back on it, that's one major assholey reason why I used to be so (secretly) angsty...

I mean, it definitely got better over time and now while I appreciate my own strengths and note my weaknesses, I just believe that no one owes me and I owe no one hahaha. Although that old trait creeps up sometimes, and unavoidably I get disappointed, but I get over it much sooner as well.

ON A LESS SOLEMN MOTE. I MEAN, NOTE. What's a mote anyway, I only know moat.

(...just kidding I don't know what's moat either)

WEEK ONE OF SCHOOL IS OVER WOOHOO I AM A #SURVIVOR!

University life has been damn different. Seminar style teaching (uh well I had a taste of this back in ELL), three-hour lessons, afternoon classes, huge maze of a school, class participation, new friends andddd NOT forgetting aircon -- the experience so far has been amazing and slightly surreal. I wouldn't say that it's been wow, but what's there to be wow about anyway? I'm content with it hahaha.

Sleepiness definitely hasn't stopped plaguing me though! Nodding off when profs are looking elsewhere then staring wide-eyed at them when they look in my direction has been routine for me hahaha. How the hell do people stay awake.. Doing it takes all my concentration that I can't even process the info being relayed to us lor ;/ ...what? Sleep what? Earl? Earlee? Earl tea?

I prefer chinese tea, it's okay! Gonna go brew some and go on with my activities, THE NIGHT IS STILL YOUNG, YES?

Yes.

안녕!!!! 뿅

/Edit: While making sure I used the right word back there I Google Translate-d 뿅 and it gave an otherworldly translation. So to prevent any misunderstandings I would like to clarify that the word, "ppyong" is a sound effect for disappearing. Sadly, I'm not so kinky.

The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

Mauerbauertraurigkeit

n. the inexplicable urge to push people away, even close friends who you really like—as if all your social tastebuds suddenly went numb, leaving you unable to distinguish cheap politeness from the taste of genuine affection, unable to recognize its rich and ambiguous flavors, its long and delicate maturation, or the simple fact that each tasting is double-blind.

fata organa

n. a flash of real emotion glimpsed in someone sitting across the room, idly locked in the middle of some group conversation, their eyes glinting with vulnerability or quiet anticipation or cosmic boredom—as if you could see backstage through a gap in the curtains, watching stagehands holding their ropes at the ready, actors in costume mouthing their lines, fragments of bizarre sets waiting for some other production.

Long absences forget, short absences remind

Recently came back from Social Science camp and I have to say I enjoyed it. Perhaps we weren't the most enthusiastic nor sporting of all, but looking long-term I can tell that these people are ones I'd more than willingly spend time with. And that's more than I could ask for really.

Back to the point; having been away from my family for three days has reminded me of how much I miss them. It's honestly not much to most people, but they're (my fam) such an integral part of my daily life that 1) not seeing them makes me feel a void 2) when I do see them, I take the fortune for granted. I guess everyone needs such cooloff periods from time to time to sustain relationships? Meanwhile, they can't be too long that you get used to the absence, of course.

R A N D O M Z:

#1 I got a new pillow and it's so high my neck is surely gonna break one of these days..

#2 Hooked on For The First Time by The Script. Hey sorry that I'm outdated man. I can't control the timing of my feelings!

#3 Falling in love with cats (because of Shiqi's). My nose itches damn bad cause of the fur though. I think.

#4 I want to play pool!!!!!!!11!1!1!!!

#5 I love my mom.

#6 This is

#7 getting

#8 out of

#9 hand

BYE.

The fault is not in the stars but in us, that we are underlings

Been trying to think positively for the past period! I have to say that it's took very conscious effort on my part lol, what with my habitual emo-ing. I've met a bunch of nice people recently from Social Science, been quarrelling less with mom, and in general life does seem better though so it's most likely working? Hahaha.

AND RIGHT NOW IT'S SHIQI'S BIRTHDAY WOOHOO HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHIQI I KNOW YOU'LL SEE THIS ONE DAY BE IT A MONTH LATER OR SOMETHING!! XOXOXzzz
Drew a cat on the card for Shiqi and it was terribly out of shape LOL. The initial sketch looked so cute ok.. Sigh ohwell! On another note 1st August was Tiffany's birthday yay she's 24 (in Korean age) now~

Yep this person is 24 (nah just kidding, I think she's 21 there). Also on the 5th, it'll be their (SNSD) 5th anniversary ((((: ...yes sorry I know this is boring you out and if so this is ending in 3.... 2.....

Social science's Caedo camp is coming up soon ('tomorrow' ie. on the 5th) and I'm looking forward to it! Mainly 'cause it's in school and I've always liked the SMU campus haha. Shall restrain my weirdness this time round, it scares people off; tested and proven. These are gonna be the people I'll hang out with for 3-4 years, so I honestly hope we get along.. God has it in His plans though so I'll just do my part to be approachable and considerate during this camp and trust that things will turn out right.

I got my schedule as well, along with the module I successfully bidded for! Mon to Thurs /afternoon/ lessons, HELL YEAH. /crossesfingersnexttermwillbethesame/ Gonna have time to head down to NUS to kaciao friends and eat together yay! And also Fridays to hang out w the others who matter very much as well.

Life looks good. PTL ;)

Shall we take a trip and enjoy the view?

"It's not the strong who survive, it's the ones who survive that are strong."

Just attended my brother's graduation ceremony and for some reason, I found myself feeling really scared throughout. Not of the people around me, not of the atmosphere, not of anything there, but of what was to come. It's weird because this seems to be the direction I've always wanted myself to go -- to SMU, to Social Sciences, and so on. But precisely because I seem to have expectations of it, I'm getting scared of being disappointed.

All my life, things have always been going in directions askew of what I've wanted. PSLE, O's, A's, JC instead of Poly, etc., and finally one thing went right: I got into the School of Social Science. The difference is that when things don't go my way, I tend to make the best of it, and when they do, I lose myself and screw things up. It's been obvious in the years of my life which I can remember. I had damn a lot of fun in JC especially, which I completely abhorred getting into; yet my best friends are all from NY. Well yeah, my results were terrible, but I can't say that I regret anything in the end.

Yet so far, the experience of uni I've had is off the mark. I don't wanna harp on it anymore, but I think I'm expecting so much that any bad thing that comes my way just throws me off. The law of attraction states that good thoughts bring good things, so what exactly am I thinking wrong? I presume I need to completely shrug off the bad events, and focus damn hard on the good ones so much so I'm blind and numb to negativity. (Does this make me an escapist, again, though?)

Lol GAH I'm gonna go crazy at this rate. Someone enlighten me? Or maybe not, I'll drive you crazy too with the persistence I put into my views. I respect all the people who've gotten through all the self-doubt and whatever issues and emerged honorably victorious (like literally 'honorably', like with honors lmao). Let's hope I survive well for the coming years.

Damn

Ahhhhhhhhh lol it's another angsty(?) post! Vivien was telling me that Scorpios tend to think too much, which is true........

So while on my way home just now I had this feeling that my mom would assume wrongly again that I'm not eating dinner with her, and my frustration already sparked despite it being just a feeling, which I know is my fault. I was thinking about how I always went out of the way to make time to go home for dinner because I hated any thought of my mom feeling lonely, and I made sure to inform her whenever I wasn't going to. It seems though that she doesn't register it at all, and hoping my gut feeling would prove wrong I reached home.

Ended up I was right. It really sucks to be right in such cases.. She was playing mahjong, and the moment I reached home her overfriendly friend teased, (in Mandarin) "Aiya girl, never call before you come back, can help us go pick up the food!" which also means they ordered already. Without me. I just laughed (in submission to my fate, maybe) and when my mom was about to leave to get the food, I offered to help her. She asked if I ate and I tend to give roundabout answers when I'm hurt/angry, so I said never mind. Without probing she returned to playing and I overheard her saying, "She ate herself already la, she knows I'd be playing mahjong,". No, I don't know ok. I'm not psychic. And I know I'd DEFINITELY, DEFINITELY call  beforehand to inform her if I'm eating out.

Whoever's reading this, you'll probably find me sensitive/petty/etc., but don't you agree that the worst frustrations are built up from the smallest things? I'm just wondering if all the extra effort I put into being considerate for her is needed at all. I could very well be like a friend of mine who eats out at her will, without telling her mom until she calls to ask. She's happy and her mom is pretty used to it. Is this something I would do though? No.

It's something I often question myself over because even though I feel so freaking disheartened sometimes, my morals? principles? tell me to continue; after all she is the person I love the most and owe at least so much to. And also, I wished I thought about things less, because life is so damn miserable (at times), really.

HAHAHA

Okay so I WAS going to post a normal emo thinking full of shit post but I just read Shiqi's blog and was DAMN fascinated by her posts so...... hahahaha will try it out too. It's a good way of getting over the trauma that was my orientation aka Freshmen Teambuilding Camp.

So I went there all groggy on the first day at 730AM like I DON'T WANNA DO ANYTHING

When people actually initiated conversation I said hi

but I'm too awkward. Then they'll go away and I think

WOW THEY TALKED TO ME

Sadly I'm too unwilling to reciprocate so my face was always

and when people talk in groups I can't be heard so I can only look at them and

Ended up most of the time I was just the person at the back.

and I thought

so occasionally I tried going something like

but no one noticed so

but really in my heart........

Also the toilets are

Just saying. Anyway while we were playing games and people looked at me I was like

then they'd talk to me. But I would only just be "ok"

instead of

which is what they would have wanted, so they turn away again and naturally I return to

Occasionally looking at people having fun and joking happily like

I bitterly think

but I have to laugh out of politeness so

when actually

Thennnnnn on the second day we had the Finale Night; people went all

and this guy even did a b-boy headstand and I thought he fell down so I was

but no he didn't so thankfully I went

But without proper friends I still couldn't have fun so I really wanted to go home

People would ask me what's wrong but I look at 'dem and

No no, nothing's wrong....!

AND IT'S SRSLY OK BECAUSE I DANCE ALONE FINE

Finally on the last day we had this writing activity where you passed a notebook w your name around and I peeked at other people's....

I was like wait that person has sooo much more than me ):

So really FINALLY FINALLY when the time to break camp came I was like

ADIOS SUCKERS

while thinking in my heart that I gotta do better next time~~

and thanking God that I came out alive. PTL.

***

OK this was a tiring post........... Now

(FOR SLEEP)

HAHAHA yeah okay so I almost only have SNSD gifs and a few sparse othergroup ones! Couldn't leave Jo Kwon's out since his expressions are priceless.

OK OFF TO SLEEP ADIOS FRANZ

Food for thought

Oriana Fallaci: “True power does not need arrogance, a long beard and a barking voice. True power strangles you with silk ribbons, charm, and intelligence.”

We are young, but not for long

Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to try to be a bit more honest, a bit more loving, and a bit more daring?

Haunted

Sometimes I think that the saying "Better late than never" is kinda flawed. I mean, most sayings all are if viewing from a certain perspective, no?

For me, the problem of not doing certain things as scheduled/promised is pretty serious. The guilt of these plague me the moment I miss the 'deadline' and usually paralyses me into inaction. Gradually I move on, slipping these events into a large sack which lays in the corner.

But times come when I trip over the sack, or when I accidentally peek in and discover what rotting mess there is inside. And during these times I think, should I start clearing them out?

Usually the answer is: better late than never. But, better for who exactly? I think the answer is really just myself. Whatever I'm supposed to do has lapsed and does little good to whoever was originally the recipient already. They can live without it. But for me, if I do it, I rid myself of the baggage that has been affecting me for so long and I feel much better from it.

How selfish.. Lol, I do realize that I may be an emotional masochist, which means I go hard on my own feelings. And so I find it hard to rid these overdue tasks.. Why should I make myself feel less guilty? Pretty vicious cycle tbh.

Best way is to just meet the date actually.. Oops?

Try (and succeed)

Because the only other way is to fail.

And what's so bad about failing anyway? Been too sick to do anything fun for the past three days, so I've been stuck thinking about things. Damn.. So I decided to recount some things I have ever tried in my life. You never know until you try, yknow?

#1 Cutting my own fringe

Ok so while this has turned out really badly for some people whom I know, it hasn't for me yet. I always end up with the most satisfying fringes for myself.. Um a tip would be not to be too ambitious. Don't cut an inch off at once man.

#2 Covering a song

This was real bad. HAHAHAHA oh God I feel so embarassed. I did this with a close friend who suggested it, and we spent a whole day on it. Not even going to say what's the song because it's that bad.. Well anyway, 10 dislikes and 0 likes after we decided to stop checking up on it. It was fun though.

#3 Giving a speech

Back in secondary school, as the captain I had to do the speech/announcement for my softball team and I tried really hard to do it well. But no, I just slurred like I was on drugs in front of the whole school on the podium and mumbled thank you without anyone really knowing what our achievement was. Sorry..

#4 Being cool

Doesn't suit me. Probably will never do. Yeah. Okay.

#5 Recounting this

Fail. Because I can't think of anything else )=

I love you, baby I'm not a monster

In the blink of an eye, months have already passed since the A's. I'd like to believe that this day last year, I was studying, but I hardly doubt so.

Like I once said, I pretty much scraped through the A'Levels. And now that I've managed to get into SMU... I realize how thankful I should be to God. And I am.

I don't find a need to show people my belief in Him because it concerns no other person. Church tells us that we should spread His word, and not sorry to say but I don't subscribe to that. Kinda controversial, but I think by working towards being a good example of a human is the best influence. If people respect you, they'll respect your beliefs. I'm not the best person; I'm still working towards it. I still constantly err everyday, but I reflect on them. Hopefully I'm getting closer?

Talking again about how time has flew, I'm trying to use my time to enjoy as much as possible lol. When can I even do this again.. The thought of never being able to be young and be free again scares me :/ Well, #YOLO! Not gonna regret this because by Zhiqing's rules: never regret choices you know were the best at that point.

Dirty hands to clean (clean hands to dirty)

So it's 10am now, the earliest I've ever composed a blog entry. It's been around 20 over hours without sleep, with 5+ hours of that spent drenched, and half of that spent being either being spattered by heavy rain or bone-chilled by harsh winds, or both. Not fun.

Which is why I'm beat now, but also why I've gained insights on certain things. I would sleep but I might lose the feel...

^ Ok lmao I fell asleep at that point.. It's 10pm now instead!

As I was saying.. Last night I was at East Coast Park for the Sundown 42KM route as a volunteer. While clapping non-stop (my wrists almost broke) for the runners, I started wondering what kind of people they all were. To participate in this kind of suicidal activity, you're either: i) really fit; ii) passionate; iii) trying to prove something; iv) not thinking; or v) suicidal. Of these I think the bulk who smiled or acknowledged our cheering efforts were the passionate people. And there were also skeptics who were all wth at why we continued cheering in our rain-soaked plight.. Lol. Nonetheless, I admire these people a lot. Finishers, especially. I can't say I admire you if you gave up, but if it's because of physical constraints (fainting, sprains) then ok fine. But it takes a hell lot of determination to push through all the way.. Something I lack.

Later on came a point when the race was ending and everyone's running (as in, operating) painfully on their energy reserves to make up for sleep. I personally think that's when most people show their true sides (some ugly) and today morning I got to experience that.

I think it's inherent of human nature that people never want to do the dirty jobs. That in itself is true of course, but my point is when it comes between choosing to do it yourself or pushing it to someone else. There were multiple instances of how, being tired and sleepy, people chose to push the unwanted duties to other people instead. It's damn ugly of these people, and even more so if you're in a leadership position. Leadership means leading by example. What are you if you lead by your mouth? Oh, come on.

Kinda bragging, but I know how during events I plan or things I lead in, I'll make sure to join in doing the shit jobs (aka sai kang) unless maybe I didn't view it as shit at all but someone else did.. I'm pretty sensitive about these things though so I hope not. But anyway, for people who don't, shame on you. You fail.

I don't understand how people are so.. dense! If you don't wanna do it, what makes you think someone else wants to?

Lol. All this confused rage is getting to me. On another note, accepted SMU Social Sciences! Really hoping and looking forward to learning more from Psychology.. /stares into your soul

Sort(ing) things out

Been trying to be a more organized person recently, and I think either trying isn't good enough, or I don't want it bad enough. Or are those the same essentially? Idk.

So, here's a few things coming up in my life! Well, for the sake of looking back in future and seeing if I've done these, or did I change my mind again like the fickle pickle I am. (LOL omg yes I just coined fickle pickle up ummmmm. Ignore that!)

1 I'm going to get a Class 2B license. AKA, I'm gonna learn motorbiking. Kinda crazy, but I've thought it through and I consider the reaping of its benefits more valuable than avoidance of the cons. Mom is kinda disapproving of it, but I've talked her into speechlessness so yeah. Pretty sure that even if I land in an accident in future (God forbid) I'll still look back and know that I wouldn't have chosen otherwise.

2 I'm going to get a helix piercing. Another unknown term??? Hahaha refer here. And also, dye my hair dark blue. I'm hoping it'll turn out really dark so that it's not AA, so aaaa fingers crossed! It's kinda amusing how #1 and #2 have been paikia things to do though, but I'm not trying to be badass or whatever, they just came together as a coincidence.

3 I'm going to accept SMU Social Sciences! This has kinda been on my list since forever so I don't think I'll choose otherwise, unless NUS suddenly decided to be charitable, or if NTU goes bonkers and accepts me even though I didn't turn up for their interview.. Then I might be a little wavered, but still, probably not. Gonna accept on 30 May just in case though.
Looking forward to learning Korean as a module (if you rolled your eyes at this I will help you roll them down the bowling alley) and also, will probably take Psychology as my major after the first year! I'll go around accessing people's mentalities with startling inaccuracy and convince them they belong to IMH. Yay.

4 JUNE HOLIDAYS!!!!! Which means what to me? Nothing, except that Vivien and Alicia will be more free and I kinda wanna arrange weekly badminton/bowling/swimming sessions with everyone! ^^ Fun fun fun, looking forward to the friday front seat or back seat blablah


Um ok so not many things after all.. They seem like a lot in my head. OH I KNOW WHY: because they take up a lot of money!!! Ok query addressed. Time to sleep. Good night!

P/s. #stuckonrepeat: Only Tears - Infinite

Control, among other things

I'm a strong believer of never letting your emotions get the better of you. It's good to release them once in a while, but it's just stupid to let them show in every situation.

Just had a small quarrel with an asshole, which btw was small only because I ended it. This asshole lives with me and flares up at my parents with the smallest sparks of inconvenience. And I've renounced my blood ties with him (in my mind, anyway) because I have lost every ounce of respect for him that this relationship holds, that is, I refuse to see him as more than the average acquaintance anymore.

My mom asked us just now if we wanted to go on a cruise, which she has been asking every other month since 2012 started. We kept deciding against it since it was kinda inconvenient for my brother's (I used to have two, for information's sake) family. So this asshole got all pissy saying 'we have to consider them again', to which my mom replied that her Genting member deal regulates that she only bring two guests anyway. At this point he gets more agitated and I think he doesn't get her implication so I clear things up; she's suggesting we three go. He now directs his anger toward how she's asking an useless question if she doesn't know the dates yet, which, c'mon, was her trying to get our opinions before wasting time to enquire about stuff. So she tries to placate him, talking about some weekend, not sure if their cruises are on the weekends, yada yada which I clarify with "They're a cruise for holidays, how could they not operate on weekends." and also because I've paid enough attention to the Star Cruise itinerary this year to know that they do. She goes on about how weekends are probably pegged with an extra charge, which she thinks is like, $78 (throughout, the exchange is filled with his questions that are delivered with so much piss, but I donwanna dedicate so many words to useless shit).

He one-sidedly concludes the discussion with "No need to go! Go need to throw away so much money already! Like play mahjong lose man-tai! (just for my laughs: he has been losing at mahjong recently) Not like never go before!" and my mom is thrown off. I rebutt, "I never go before." and I tell her that I can go with her and she should ask a good friend of hers along. She agrees and goes to the toilet.

Now he accuses me of wasting money. If there's one thing that pushes my buttons all at once, it's false accusations. I tell him I'm not. He says that if we go, I'm using our mom's money anyway. I defend myself saying that I will use my own money, which I have ever since I started working anyway! He angrily tells me to "PAY FOR THIS TRIP THEN!" and I tell him back, "I WILL." He goes speechless.

Then he brings in a new weapon. "If you're so rich, I don't need to buy a new laptop for you!" Oh, so his offer brings such perks to him huh. I admit here that I'm shameless and I accepted the offer because it's to my benefit. Why reject a piece of meat, even if it's offered by an acquaintance?

Here's why: it stabs you in the stomach. Not even from the back.

I relax my nerves at this point and I point out to him that if it's my mom and I, we don't have to worry about weekends, meaning it'll be cheap. Free, even, with the deal. Mom returns from the toilet just in time and I repeat it, if only to make him angrier that I just made use of his self-exclusion to my advantage. Win. My anger from before is extinguished and I hop into the room despite the terrible heat, a smirk plastered on my face.

And I can hear him clicking angrily (ie. loudly) while I tap on happily on my phone.

Yep. End of long narrative. BACK TO TOPIC -- if I had allowed my anger to reign, it'd have went another way. I would have told him that I DON'T NEED HIS STINKING MONEY to afford a laptop, and he would have taken my word for it, and I would have lost out. Instead, when I thought it through, I didn't, and I got a good kick out of it.

Ngl, that was damn satisfying. And this wraps up my l o n g g g blog post ^^

Moral confusion

I wanna propose a flipside to meritocracy. This theory may come across as farfetched, but since in chaos there is calm, I guess in exaggeration there lays the root of truth. Lmao, philosophical.

In society we have people. People function through the mind and heart -- heart as in emotions, not the blood pumping organ. There's logic VS. feelings. There's IQ and EQ. There's actual VS. perceived. And through development we've seemingly conjured an 'effective' means of measuring the actual lest assuming makes an ass out of u and me. Success is determined from results. You're given credit for producing the best out of yourself. Really?

No. Not really. Actually, you're given credit for outdoing others. For scoring higher. Running faster. For doing more. So when, unfortunately, you don't outdo someone else, even when you've produced your best, do you get credit? Well, rarely. Say you pass your subject for the VERY FIRST TIME, wow! But, you're still last among everyone. Is not the credit given to how the test seems easier than before? Maybe I'm skeptical, but prove me wrong.

And here's where the heart comes in: deep inside, you felt like you've worked yourself out. You've breathed the textbooks till you suffocated. But okay, you're last in class. Perhaps you could do better?

Wait! But you've done your best, right? And you're still last.. Well.. Maybe you could try even harder. And no one acknowledges you for your past effort, so maybe you didn't try very hard after all. Perhaps.

See? I think this happens, and people become wrecks when nothing further changes. Sometimes I think we need to open up to the truth that a limit has been reached, and change our methods, or take a different path entirely. To continue on is just to continue scraping layers off your self-esteem, and waste a whole lot of time and effort doing it.

Amirite? Or amirong. Well either way, I think we need a reminder that some things, like meritocracy, aren't always THE way. It's just the best way right now, and if we do consider the problems it holds we could possibly figure something better.

Psyche

Wow wow wow, here's an interesting (and supposedly, accurate) test for everyone to try. Idk who is reading my blog so hope this enlightens you somehow, if you haven't seen it from my twitter already. Though I privated that..

There are supposedly a few of these tests, so read this first:
http://www.hypnoid.com/psytestApr/

AND for the one test:
http://www.hypnoid.com/psytest2.html

Here's my diagnosis.... Lol.

You are in a perpetual quest to find the new, the exciting. Emotionally volatile, you are known for sudden changes of opinion, of appreciation, and behavior. Following rules and established methods is difficult for you and the difficulties of higher education are usually quite daunting. Knowledge is best gained through an intimate association with the matter at hand. Usually driven by attitudes and desires of the group, you are talented in an established field of endeavor. Emotions come and go without a strong understanding of their causes. They are unexpected guests in an otherwise placid landscape. You live by your own codes of conduct, which can be noble or terrible depending on the individual. Authority is meaningless to you. You hate to be predictable, at all costs. Rarely verbally effusive, you can at times feel as if your feelings are too deep for words. You are very observant, but rarely express these observations to others.

I'm not sure if I'm known for sudden changes of opinion blabla, but I myself do know. It kinda irks me to be honest, since I feel so inconsistent. And what does it mean by I'm 'talented in an established field of endeavor'? It means I'm suited to do something that's already widely pursued right now, instead of something new and creative? Hmm. Also, I wouldn't say I hate to be predictable, but I kinda love to be unpredictable. There's a difference, but at least it's right.

The test gives me a bad headache though.. My brain must feel violated, LOL.

Inside of us

What am I doing with my life? Yeah, this question comes to mind pretty often. It's not that I think of myself as wasteful, but rather, I think I can do more. Learn more, be more.

I lie to myself, at times I lie to people I love, and I think it's turning into a habit rather than an option. In the first place, it shouldn't have been the option I choose to go for. I could be more honest, I should face people. I should face myself.

Having a distraction's good, when I had other troubles to face. But now that I'm past the bulk of it, and committed myself to get past what's left; should I still continue? I have more important things to spend my life on. What do I do?

I mull over failures more than I should. And I brag more over successes than I should as well. I think humility is something I need: less arrogance, more perseverance.

And I need God. I need faith. I need hope. Most importantly, I need love.

One

"只求拥有, 不求永久"

Golden words from my mom on this generation. Lol but I would really wanna stay with one person my whole life... It's so hard, huh? Well, just a goal to work towards for me I guess, but it'd also mean a whole lot of stubborness from me. Insistence could be a blessing, or just plain pain. Ah well.

one step forward; then shoved harshly back

Actions lead to consequences. Speech is an action. Speech leads to consequences.

I should withhold my speech. Happy speech is enough. What I would say otherwise has proven to be of no use.

Used to bystanding

Sometimes people are happy. But, it doesn't concern you.

And you stubbornly think, it never will.

Realism VS. Pessimism

There's a thin line between the two, realism and pessimism. Usually optimism is on its own lying towards the other end of the spectrum, so nevermind about it. And also because I'm usually only on that end when conversing with a depressed friend, which makes me on this side 95% of the time.

I feel bad for people who bother to read my blog sometimes, I'm so damn angsty LOL. I respect you all man. Feel free to discuss life with me anytime, it's one of my favourite topics! And I don't think I judge? I'd flat out tell you if I find you wrong though, but I don't think I'd unfriend you without ample understanding.

Back to the topic. I'm always guiding my emotions by logic, so I feel pretty realistic most of the time. And I know I sound depressed in my posts but that's 'cause I voice my musings/muses here. I guide myself by a pretty sad set of beliefs so I'm actually kinda happy in real life tbh. Lowered expectations and whatever. There's a saying that goes, "Pessimists expect it when things go wrong, and get pleasantly surprised if they don't." Following logic, this makes being a pessimist more realistically beneficial to us as the odds are, essentially, in our favour.

I gotta mention the other side of the argument though, that human psychology may work differently. Optimism seems to put a person in high spirits most of the time, and when their expectations get crushed, the true optimists get right back up on their feet. If they do fall, however, they fall the hardest. So it's up to us whether we wanna take the risk, and being calculative I choose not to. Do you?

爱不单行

People have different beliefs. They stem from different mindsets, and these are in turn shaped by experiences and circumstances. It's reason why convincing someone of your beliefs is hard, especially when they've a set of their own. Without at least some solid evidence as back up, who would be swayed?

Well, the answer isn't no one. Aside from logic, relationships play a large role in this world as well. It's the fundamental to a society. And in relationships, there comes trust.

Trust... I've always found myself a pretty untrusting person deep within. Or am I the same as any other person, withholding secrets from the world? Perhaps I am. It's hard though, not to envy some bonds films and dramas portray, even if I know them as fictional and glorified. Because I find it sad, that things seem better only when in fiction, in imagination, in pretense. It's sad that people will rarely be as transparent as we wish them to be. It's sad that we will never be as transparent as we wish ourselves to be.

But still, trust leads to people believing you baselessly at times... Ah, I'm like ranting ain't I? Time to sleep.

First

I don't like to post these here, but I'm afraid I'll go crazy if I don't let it out.

I really wanna scream the f word, but no I won't.

I offered to do the shit work for you because I know you'll be freaking throwing a GROWN MAN'S tantrum at him and then he'll go complaining to mom about WHAT INJUSTICE. And then she'll complain to me, plead with me, which I hate. So alright, I did it. And YOU left the usb with all of his files in YOUR OFFICE such that I had to do the files from scratch. Ok fine, nevermind. But you ACCUSINGLY asked me why I'm doing it on the home laptop and not the work one. FGS YOU WERE THE ONE WHO LENT THE DAMN LAPTOP TO YOUR FRIEND SO THE LATEST FILES WERE DONE ON THE HOME LAPTOP. And you accuse me. Okay, that's fine. When he asks you if you bought ink CAN YOU AT LEAST HAVE SOME DECENCY TO ANSWER? You did nothing and you're already WOOWOOWAWA THROWING YOUR TEMPER AROUND? Are you out of your mind?

And you. I did your work for you and didn't utter a word. When I finally got to sit down and watch television, you INSENSITIVELY decided that the tv was YOURS ONLY and when the remote wasn't working you had the damn guts to ask me to help you switch channels. GREAT. I'M NOTHING. JUST A EASY TO MANIPULATE what, SERVANT? Oh okay no, I'm just a 'good' daughter, I guess.

Only my mom. Only my mom's good to me. Only she can tell I'm upset. So please, mom, don't ever plead with me, because firstly, I can't ever deny you of anything, and most importantly, I'm in no position to receive your pleas, you're too good to me.

Sand in water, water in sand

How much truth does each lie hold, and how much falsity does each truth hide?

//

Haven't been thinking much recently, since I've either been working, out, or sleeping. Oh yes, we went to Redang!!! Siaoyi, Vivien, Weiling and I went there for a vacation from 22-24th March~ In case anyone knows it better by its Chinese name, it's called 热浪岛. Lol I wouldn't say I had a lot of fun there, 'cause 2 full days were too damn short. All we did was to eat (buffet style HAHA, damn crazy), sunburntan and swim.

Well, under the category of swimming there's snorkelling, and that must have been the highlight of the trip. Through that I kinda discovered my phobia of fish being too close though. The water there is really clear, no kidding, and you can see every single thing around you. By the second (and last) snorkelling trip we learnt to bring bread as an attraction for fish, but WOAH MAN it's freaking terrifying.... for me at least. The fish come up to you in SCHOOLS ok, and your entire vision is just of fishes. I really hate fish scales so I think that's why I was so uncomfortable with having them so close. Otherwise, we saw Nemo (though I don't think we saw Dory). Weiling got to hold a Nemo in her hands!!!! It was damn cute. This funny guy, one of the resort staff, kept kachiao-ing us but it's thanks to him we got to see the clownfish so close, and learn of a few interesting things as well.

One instance was the blue sand, which we didn't know about until he told us. There's this small stretch of beach on one side of the island, where at night, you can find isolated grains of 'sand' which glow in the dark, in blue. It's really pretty and Vivien and I kidnapped one, LOL. We're not supposed to of course, since every single natural thing on the island is protected, so after fascinating over it we returned it to the sand. It's apparently some sea insect/organism, perhaps with similar features to the firefly? The blue glow dies out if you remove it from the sand, so Vivien and I balled it in some sand while we were looking at it. It's my favourite memory of there I think, just staring at that small speck of wonder.

I must mention the food as well, since it took up a major part of our vacation! The buffet is decent considering it's provided, so we pretty much stuffed ourselves omglol. There's like traditional Malay cuisine, some Chinese/Western/Italian food, desserts, and fruits. I avoided the Chinese dishes in general, oops. And then every time we returned to our room, we'd be eating snacks............. Chips and more chips, codfish strips, etc ;/ Lol unhealthy max.

YAWNOKAYIAMDAMNSLEEPY I think that's pretty much what's to be mentioned of the trip, time to sleep. Goodnighttttttttttttt.

Random

What goes through my mind from 12PM to 4AM

Accurate as of(in) today, anyway

Double sided tape is better, you can use it twice

Don't wanna go bathe..

I LOVE BATHING

Miserable

Sorry to my friends

Why do my socks stink

Tiffany

Hate tcc

Damn..

Unsalted chips

Apples!

Where to best leave my ezlink card

Did I have breakfast?

Ouch

Why are people so stupid

Ignore-ance is bliss

Oh yay there's something other than chrysanthemum tea in the fridge

Nell songs

Coldplay

Dongwoo in Tic Toc

Taking out contacts is the hardest task

Good writing

BAD LANGUAGE, SPELLING, GRAMMAR

Spoilt kids are unreasonable

Should I use an emoticon

I need to fall in love

I love my mom but she is crazy

Psychology or Sociology?

Sing write draw

Swimming is better than running

IT'S DAMN HOT

DAMN COLD

Is it time to sleep..

Macs is damn gross but FRIES!!!

Cigarettes smell

snsd

People lack witty humour

Blank

-

I always thought I that I had nothing to hide.

That is, until, I realized I hide everything.

Burden

Why am I such a bane? I never mean it, I swear, I try so hard all my life not to be one, but some things can't be helped. Even a small overlook on my part leads to such disastrous effects..

I feel helpless. Why? Because there's no way for me to correct this. I could go missing, I could die, I could. So easy are these, but would only create more trouble for them. So, what do I do? What can I do? Apologize; I hope it's enough.. Maybe I'd be thankful if it doesn't lead to worse. How great it would be without me.. how much more carefree?

Hello to Myself

I wish I was normal. That I didn't think so differently, act so differently; maybe suck at controlling how I feel, maybe be less aware..

Maybe pain would hurt like normal, maybe.

Ten years later,

Shall try this out, for the sake of perhaps projecting my perceived future? Hahaha. Blogpost/diary entry of the Zhiqing ten years later, in year 2022.

5 February, 2022
Finally! After all these years of toiling, I've finally saved enough money to set up a cafe! Can't believe that working in tcc 10 years ago would have led to me doing this ...but well, not gonna waste the knowledge I acquired there, right? I still remember those torturous days, but well, at least I made some good friends. Lol, I'm so gonna provide meals for my staff and treat them well. Hah. Hmm, should I go ahead with the plan of setting a small stage for a live band in the cafe? Meh, I could even sing myself occasionally, haha! But for now, time to go source for ideal locations......

On the other hand, I'm going to Japan next week! Since I know the language conversationally, I guess it should be alright for us? I know my mom has always wanted to see the sakura blossoms. She'll finally get a chance! Who cares if it blows a huge portion of my cafe savings, it's rare that one can buy happiness with money, so it's money well spent. Thank God for all the annual leave I've accumulated, because after Japan, I'll be heading to Africa to check out the camp there. Hopefully everyone has been getting what they need.. I wonder if they've all successfully gotten their vaccines? I'm so glad science has advanced enough to make vaccines vastly accessible even in third world countries. Hectic schedule, but I'm so looking forward to these plans man.

Oh!!!! End of year .....I'm getting married. YAY! Okay, I sound so desperate. HAHAHAHA. Heck it, I'm happy and I should show it. Need to inform all those busy asses in advance!!!! (because I need their wedding gifts... HAHAHA) Wow, it's been ten over years of friendship huh? So glad all of us seem to be heading down the various paths we're suited for, yet stuck together, even if we still get so idiotic sometimes. It's true that nothing beats having true friends, because many friends means that quality is compromised. Not that my friends are of any exceptional quality anyway, ew! HAHAHAHA

Okay, it's already late! Gotta wake up at 8AM tomorrow for that meeting.. Same old. Glad that over the years, I've gotten better at waking up though. Oops. Alright, goodnight!

Thinking

So, I was watching SNSD and the Dangerous Boys before this, and I'm here to post because there's this strange settling in my stomach, which occurs when something dawns upon me. I guess all of you who don't watch this show would think that this is yet another fangirl post, but hey, I don't fangirl here.

I don't even know why I'm explaining myself. But I'll leave that for another time.

Anyway, right now in episode 5, I can see the huge improvement in the boys as compared to before. It made me sad. Not for them obviously, but perhaps, for myself? And for everyone who hasn't had someone put so much effort into them before. Put effort, faith, encouragement, and whatever else.

Maybe my emotions are mistaken, because there should have been a few of these people in my life. But I've let them down, because I have a tendency to reject what's good for me.

I don't want to be honest. I don't want to say, I'm jealous of those boys, because I really am. If you ask me what my phobia is, I'd tell you I have none. Insects, maybe. But really..? I'm not afraid of failing, of dying, of heights, of ghosts, of this and that.

I'm afraid I'll become nothing.

Not necessarily achievement-wise. But to have a place in someone's life, I think that's all I want. Doesn't everyone, but they want more than that. It's nice when people understand, and then care. I'm just a little scared that no one can, because it's not written on my face, it's not portrayed in my actions, it's not described in my words; it's all in unspoken thoughts. To put it more accurately, I think I'm afraid I buried myself too deep inwards.

Who knows me?

Chanced upon.

I think the old me was a much better friend, even if the current me's happier. Pros and cons..?

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