Sitting outside Starbucks, waiting patiently for something -- anything, to happen. The wind starts to get stronger, and my fingers are getting numb and hard to control. The lights are dim, my earphones are plugged in and a sad ballad is slowly playing; perfect atmosphere to be depressed. I decide to shift to a happier location.
I pack up, turn, and this man is blocking the way with his legs propped up on another chair while he occupies one. He isn't even drinking anything. I politely request for him to make way, and after several futile attempts his friend motions to him. He looks at me with that kind of look, then he moves and I pass. He mutters under his breath, complaining.
I slap him.
Nah, in my mind.
(LOL super irritated, so I'm expressing it CIVILISED-LY in a fanfic kind of writing style, instead of COMPLAINING. He's a freeloader somemore. SO PISSED!!!! But I'm sitting at a warm corner inside Starbucks now! Yay I feel better after complaining. YOU, GO TO HELLLLL!)
Okay bye ;) Will be back on the 31sttttttt!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
End of X'mas!
Wah, so fast it ended already.. Well, I guess it's time to start working hard again. I hate to say this, but I have to face it.
Watched a movie today, Tron Legacy! Exciting, definitely worth a watch. (: BUT IF you're the kind who can't catch up with chim storylines and also technical vocabulary, then haha maybe you should consider again. Anyway, I learnt quite some stuff. Well, many ambitious people have searched for the possible utopia by trying to achieve perfection. But humans are imperfect, and we are flesh and blood cause we have flaws. So if you want a perfect world, you'd have to annihilate, or modify humans. But the option of modification would just lead to us becoming robots, void of emotions. So how does that make it utopia, if you don't have happiness? Yeah of course you could say, everyone could be 'always happy'. But what is happiness when you have it all the time, and what is happiness when you can't compare it to another opposite? I don't regard happiness as a different feeling from sadness. I think, it's just different degrees of the same thing. So you can't have one without the other, cause there needs to be a measure! BUT OKAY enough of this philosophical talk LOL, I'm like writing GP here..
Okay then when I was home, I watched the last episode of this korean period drama me and my bro have been watching since mid-year! The Slave Hunters, aka Chuno. Omgah the ending is super awesome.. As in. It was part tragic, part happy. I cried so freaking hard at the tragic part ._. But if the tragic part wasn't there, like if it was entirely happy, I wouldn't feel as satisfied at the ending as now. So conclusion: I like tragedy! Okay lah, not all the time. But this ending, one guy sacrificed for the couple (of which the girl was his ex-gf but they lost contact for manyyy years), then the couple managed to escape to a faraway place for good. While this guy was dying, the girl who liked him caught up with him, and she confessed just before he died (ok I cried like mad here). Then the bad person who was the guy who tried to kill all of them, was touched by how hard the first guy fought to protect the couple (even though he was supposed to hate them), and so he gave up on all the evil plans he conjured. That was also cause he was actually good by nature (at the start he was an awesome good guy) but he was just forced to become like that cause too many evil people backstabbed him. So he turned over a new leaf and returned to his family, and gave up on all the fame and glory. Omt omt nice show!
Haha okay enough of spazzing. Go listen to 她說 by JJ Lin! Yay new fav chinese song ;)
Happy new year in advance!!
Watched a movie today, Tron Legacy! Exciting, definitely worth a watch. (: BUT IF you're the kind who can't catch up with chim storylines and also technical vocabulary, then haha maybe you should consider again. Anyway, I learnt quite some stuff. Well, many ambitious people have searched for the possible utopia by trying to achieve perfection. But humans are imperfect, and we are flesh and blood cause we have flaws. So if you want a perfect world, you'd have to annihilate, or modify humans. But the option of modification would just lead to us becoming robots, void of emotions. So how does that make it utopia, if you don't have happiness? Yeah of course you could say, everyone could be 'always happy'. But what is happiness when you have it all the time, and what is happiness when you can't compare it to another opposite? I don't regard happiness as a different feeling from sadness. I think, it's just different degrees of the same thing. So you can't have one without the other, cause there needs to be a measure! BUT OKAY enough of this philosophical talk LOL, I'm like writing GP here..
Okay then when I was home, I watched the last episode of this korean period drama me and my bro have been watching since mid-year! The Slave Hunters, aka Chuno. Omgah the ending is super awesome.. As in. It was part tragic, part happy. I cried so freaking hard at the tragic part ._. But if the tragic part wasn't there, like if it was entirely happy, I wouldn't feel as satisfied at the ending as now. So conclusion: I like tragedy! Okay lah, not all the time. But this ending, one guy sacrificed for the couple (of which the girl was his ex-gf but they lost contact for manyyy years), then the couple managed to escape to a faraway place for good. While this guy was dying, the girl who liked him caught up with him, and she confessed just before he died (ok I cried like mad here). Then the bad person who was the guy who tried to kill all of them, was touched by how hard the first guy fought to protect the couple (even though he was supposed to hate them), and so he gave up on all the evil plans he conjured. That was also cause he was actually good by nature (at the start he was an awesome good guy) but he was just forced to become like that cause too many evil people backstabbed him. So he turned over a new leaf and returned to his family, and gave up on all the fame and glory. Omt omt nice show!
Haha okay enough of spazzing. Go listen to 她說 by JJ Lin! Yay new fav chinese song ;)
Happy new year in advance!!
Saturday, December 25, 2010
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Hello MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone! (: Haha today is a pretty happy day for me. And yesterday too! Although it was spent at home, but I had a good time with my family during dinner. And then just using my comp and texting my friends was good too, since I was already in such a good mood ^^
Hmm, I honestly cannot remember how I spent Xmas last year, but that's okay. This year it's with a different and new set of friends, and I guess I've had many awesome memories with everyone. Sweet and bitter ones are included, and they're all part of the experience! Laughter, heartbreak, dejection, hope. Well, that's life -- we can't have good ones without bad ones.
I hope the upcoming year'll be as exciting, although we'll be mugging hard this time, but I pray the friendships can still stay stable and intact. Everyone, I love you! So please do bear with me from now on as I put my heart into A' levels, I really need to work hard for this. And also since I'm hooked onto Kpop.. *less than divide three*
Have an awesome green christmas (cause we can't have a white one) and be happy no matter what kay!
♥, Zhiqing!
Hmm, I honestly cannot remember how I spent Xmas last year, but that's okay. This year it's with a different and new set of friends, and I guess I've had many awesome memories with everyone. Sweet and bitter ones are included, and they're all part of the experience! Laughter, heartbreak, dejection, hope. Well, that's life -- we can't have good ones without bad ones.
I hope the upcoming year'll be as exciting, although we'll be mugging hard this time, but I pray the friendships can still stay stable and intact. Everyone, I love you! So please do bear with me from now on as I put my heart into A' levels, I really need to work hard for this. And also since I'm hooked onto Kpop.. *less than divide three*
Have an awesome green christmas (cause we can't have a white one) and be happy no matter what kay!
♥, Zhiqing!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Joke of the day
"4 times 9 equals?"
"18!!!"
*everyone bursts out in laughter*
"Ehhhh I only said that to make it funny!"
"Yeah right!"
"Really! I know, it's 24!!"
"18!!!"
*everyone bursts out in laughter*
"Ehhhh I only said that to make it funny!"
"Yeah right!"
"Really! I know, it's 24!!"
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Happy emo
Yello! Hah today I watched two episodes of Invincible Youth! Aka two hours. But I took 6 hours to watch that 2 episodes! Not that I'm complaining. I finally managed to find a place to watch it although it takes eons to load~ While waiting I could do so much stuff, yay I like.
Anyway, that wasn't the point. The point was that, because this variety show's about 7 girl group idols having to lead a countryside lifestyle (aka they have to be self sustainable), it seems to really help them learn a lot about being down to earth and thus mature, and also become closer with one another. I think the show gives a heartwarming feel! Coupled with their humour, it really becomes fun to watch. (: Ah how I wish I could join one programme like that too! I wanna have an experience like that.
Okay, that was the happy part of my post. The emo part (which is not very emo also):
Hmm k recently I just got hooked on I Did Wrong by 2AM. Considerably old song, but nice. The very start, when they begin singing (and then got the weird electric echoey effect) that part, it just makes me get goosebumps. Like for a few seconds, cause there'll be this weird electric echoey effect to the song, it'll make me feel this heartbreak-like feeling inside of me :O Idk how to explain but you get it lah ah! Haha!
Alright, heard this nice and EVEN older song on IY, english song! :D Fits the christmas mood somemore. ^^
All About You - McFly
It's all about you
(It's about you)
It's all about you baby
(It's all about)
It's all about you
(It's about you)
It's all about you
Yesterday you asked me something I thought you knew
So I told you with a smile, "It's all about you"
Then you whispered in my ear and you told me too
Said, "You make my life worth while"
"It's all about you"
And I would answer all your wishes if you ask me to
But if you deny me one of your kisses don't know what I'd do
So hold me close and say three words like you used to do
Dancing on the kitchen tiles
It's all about you
Yeah
And I would answer all your wishes if you asked me to
But if you deny me one of your kisses don't know what I'd do
So hold me close and say three words like you used to do
Dancing on the kitchen tiles
Yes
You make my life worth while
So I told you with a smile, "It's all about you"
It's all about you
(It's about you)
It's all about you baby
(It's all about)
Merry Christmas in advance! ^3^ kiss kiss emoticon KEKE
Anyway, that wasn't the point. The point was that, because this variety show's about 7 girl group idols having to lead a countryside lifestyle (aka they have to be self sustainable), it seems to really help them learn a lot about being down to earth and thus mature, and also become closer with one another. I think the show gives a heartwarming feel! Coupled with their humour, it really becomes fun to watch. (: Ah how I wish I could join one programme like that too! I wanna have an experience like that.
Okay, that was the happy part of my post. The emo part (which is not very emo also):
Hmm k recently I just got hooked on I Did Wrong by 2AM. Considerably old song, but nice. The very start, when they begin singing (and then got the weird electric echoey effect) that part, it just makes me get goosebumps. Like for a few seconds, cause there'll be this weird electric echoey effect to the song, it'll make me feel this heartbreak-like feeling inside of me :O Idk how to explain but you get it lah ah! Haha!
Alright, heard this nice and EVEN older song on IY, english song! :D Fits the christmas mood somemore. ^^
All About You - McFly
It's all about you
(It's about you)
It's all about you baby
(It's all about)
It's all about you
(It's about you)
It's all about you
Yesterday you asked me something I thought you knew
So I told you with a smile, "It's all about you"
Then you whispered in my ear and you told me too
Said, "You make my life worth while"
"It's all about you"
And I would answer all your wishes if you ask me to
But if you deny me one of your kisses don't know what I'd do
So hold me close and say three words like you used to do
Dancing on the kitchen tiles
It's all about you
Yeah
And I would answer all your wishes if you asked me to
But if you deny me one of your kisses don't know what I'd do
So hold me close and say three words like you used to do
Dancing on the kitchen tiles
Yes
You make my life worth while
So I told you with a smile, "It's all about you"
It's all about you
(It's about you)
It's all about you baby
(It's all about)
Merry Christmas in advance! ^3^ kiss kiss emoticon KEKE
Friday, December 17, 2010
A merger of both
Amazingly, I'm not K-crazying right now. Haha yeah, this is rare.
Right now, I feel so tired. But somehow, I know very well that if I go sleep now, I'll just end up tossing and turning and unable to sleep.
The K-craze has managed to distract me for a while from all that I've been trying to avoid, but in this cold and emo weather, I guess I can't help but think about everything again. It's like it's trying to remind me not to lose myself in my escapade since it's only for momentary relief from everything, and that I still need to face all these.
All these what? All these problems. All the things going around me right now. Sometimes I act like I don't know, sometimes I act like I don't care. Sometimes it seems to not bother me. I deceive myself too much, I think I'm so good at hiding my feelings I myself get lost and absorbed in my self-comforting lies.
Everyone keeps feelings to themselves.
I'm no exception.. Just that maybe, I keep my feelings FROM myself too. I'm sick of having to deny how happy/tired/sad/jealous/stressed about certain things I am.
I'm so well versed in the art of self-deception.
Right now, I feel so tired. But somehow, I know very well that if I go sleep now, I'll just end up tossing and turning and unable to sleep.
The K-craze has managed to distract me for a while from all that I've been trying to avoid, but in this cold and emo weather, I guess I can't help but think about everything again. It's like it's trying to remind me not to lose myself in my escapade since it's only for momentary relief from everything, and that I still need to face all these.
All these what? All these problems. All the things going around me right now. Sometimes I act like I don't know, sometimes I act like I don't care. Sometimes it seems to not bother me. I deceive myself too much, I think I'm so good at hiding my feelings I myself get lost and absorbed in my self-comforting lies.
Everyone keeps feelings to themselves.
I'm no exception.. Just that maybe, I keep my feelings FROM myself too. I'm sick of having to deny how happy/tired/sad/jealous/stressed about certain things I am.
I'm so well versed in the art of self-deception.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
!
Woah I used to love this song like MAD when I was younger! Today is the first time I've heard it and know the title.
Bizarre Love Triangle - Frente
Every time I think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine
But it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind
But there's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of the fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
well every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can't say
I feel fine and I feel good
I'm feeling like I never should
Whenever I get this way
I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday
I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can't say
Bizarre Love Triangle - Frente
Every time I think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine
But it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind
But there's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of the fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
well every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can't say
I feel fine and I feel good
I'm feeling like I never should
Whenever I get this way
I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday
I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can't say
Friday, December 10, 2010
Obsessed.
Okay I am mad now. All I think about EVERY day is about going home to watch videos and whatever, on my korean stuff. Am I mad? Yes.
We Got Married, Brown Eyed Girls. They are NEVER not on my mind. Read this phrase carefully: NOT on my mind.
Anyway, back to reality.. I think I really need to get them off my mind, or my A'levels are a goner. The reason why I resisted the Kwave so much back in secondary school was because I knew I would NEVER study (and get past O's) if I got obsessed. Then now, oh great, I THOUGHT I wouldn't get obsessed so I tried, and turned out I became worse than obsessed -- I'm addicted. I don't even have the patience to hang around facebook anymore. And I don't wanna use MSN (esp. since it kena-ed some virus). And blogging... Wah I'm only blogging now cause today I was out the whole day, so I got some time to think through things a little. This is bad..
But, what I thought of? Ah, can I put all in point form?
- I realized I'm quite a jealous person. I didn't even realize it myself, but after putting bits and pieces of my thoughts and behaviour from past to present together, I realized that. You know why they always say "When someone dislikes you, it's cause they're jealous of you."? Haha I kind of find some truth in that.. Yep.
- I seek approval a lot. I've always wanted to be someone who's independent and has her own individual thinking, but.. I seek the views and opinions of other people too much. Not as in I literally ask them, but I yearn for their opinions to approve of me. So yeah, I always end up doing stuff which people want me to do, not what I myself want to do. Which sucks.. I wanna change this, but I can't imagine doing something which people don't think I should do. The thought of it tortures me. I'm like the kid in dramas who always seeks the attention and approval of all the adults. Lol that's me.
- I am a slacker, and I am trying to change.
- I am too nice at inappropriate moments.
Okay, this post is getting draggy. My mind is already wandering off........ ):
Bye!
We Got Married, Brown Eyed Girls. They are NEVER not on my mind. Read this phrase carefully: NOT on my mind.
Anyway, back to reality.. I think I really need to get them off my mind, or my A'levels are a goner. The reason why I resisted the Kwave so much back in secondary school was because I knew I would NEVER study (and get past O's) if I got obsessed. Then now, oh great, I THOUGHT I wouldn't get obsessed so I tried, and turned out I became worse than obsessed -- I'm addicted. I don't even have the patience to hang around facebook anymore. And I don't wanna use MSN (esp. since it kena-ed some virus). And blogging... Wah I'm only blogging now cause today I was out the whole day, so I got some time to think through things a little. This is bad..
But, what I thought of? Ah, can I put all in point form?
- I realized I'm quite a jealous person. I didn't even realize it myself, but after putting bits and pieces of my thoughts and behaviour from past to present together, I realized that. You know why they always say "When someone dislikes you, it's cause they're jealous of you."? Haha I kind of find some truth in that.. Yep.
- I seek approval a lot. I've always wanted to be someone who's independent and has her own individual thinking, but.. I seek the views and opinions of other people too much. Not as in I literally ask them, but I yearn for their opinions to approve of me. So yeah, I always end up doing stuff which people want me to do, not what I myself want to do. Which sucks.. I wanna change this, but I can't imagine doing something which people don't think I should do. The thought of it tortures me. I'm like the kid in dramas who always seeks the attention and approval of all the adults. Lol that's me.
- I am a slacker, and I am trying to change.
- I am too nice at inappropriate moments.
Okay, this post is getting draggy. My mind is already wandering off........ ):
Bye!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Alternate universe
Saw this pickup line which I found super funny. Okay, I don't know why I find it funny when it's actually really sweet, but ah neverminddd.
"Hey, did it hurt?":p Being weird.
"Huh? Did what hurt?"
"You falling from heaven. Cause if you're not an angel, then I don't know what you are."
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sunday
"I quietly go back to sleep, but in the inside I'm screaming" (Drunk On Sleep)
Had a friendly against RV High today! Man, it was tiring like hell. Seriously, it was the first time I actually couldn't catch my breath in time before I had to continue running for my life. Life = ball. Hais, stamina super cui! I was so afraid that we wouldn't be able to win with this kind of physique.
Thankfully..... WE WON! :D 5-3! But I heard that they were mostly new Sec 4s, so I felt quite bad. I really hope we improve enough for A'div..
Mm, then ate Pizza Hut with the girls, and went to play LAN! Tiring siol, my head is spinning. I guess playing against others bonds us more. The reason why we're so clique-ish is cause we're always playing against each other during training! Ah, sucks. Wish we can have more friendlies!
Shag to the max. Bai!
Had a friendly against RV High today! Man, it was tiring like hell. Seriously, it was the first time I actually couldn't catch my breath in time before I had to continue running for my life. Life = ball. Hais, stamina super cui! I was so afraid that we wouldn't be able to win with this kind of physique.
Thankfully..... WE WON! :D 5-3! But I heard that they were mostly new Sec 4s, so I felt quite bad. I really hope we improve enough for A'div..
Mm, then ate Pizza Hut with the girls, and went to play LAN! Tiring siol, my head is spinning. I guess playing against others bonds us more. The reason why we're so clique-ish is cause we're always playing against each other during training! Ah, sucks. Wish we can have more friendlies!
Shag to the max. Bai!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Drunk on Sleep
It's been such a long time since I've heard a song that makes me cry.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vI65q_I7TTE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vI65q_I7TTE
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Fists clenched.
I really want to be in a world of my own sometimes. I'm much too.. torn.. in the world out there. Out here.
Saw a quote.
Saw a quote.
Some say having something is better than having nothing at all. But the truth is, having something halfway is harder than having nothing at all. – Author unknown
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Lost for words
Haha I've been really reluctant to blog lately. Oh well. Fell sick after going swimming on Sunday! ): Anyway, heard a song I haven't heard in a longggg time today, nostalgic much.
Nothing I can do anymore anyway.
I've become increasingly nonchalant with things too. Is this part of growing up? On Monday I went for my secondary school softball chalet, and I felt old there. The games didn't excite me as much as before, all I wanted to do was sleep (I'm serious) and I didn't care about attention anymore. Yup, I guesssss it's all part of growing up. But then again.. I feel like my nonchalance is making me indifferent about peoples' emotions. I no longer care as much.
Today, for the first time, I actually shook my mom's hand off when she tried to hook my arm. Even I was shocked by myself. I felt so guilty about it, but I didn't do anything. My mom then talked about something else like she didn't think much about it, and I hope she didn't either.. What is becoming of me? Selfish, self absorbed, self centred. The me of last year would never have been like that. What has become of me? ):
不知不觉 你已经离开我Yup, all of a sudden, it's been one year! So many things have changed in this short lapse of time. Short, because there's been so much to do, and so much I've missed. There are so many things I've let go of, some which should have been long ago, and some which I should have held on tightly.
不知不觉 我跟了这节奏
后知后觉 又过了一个秋
后知后觉 我该好好生活
Nothing I can do anymore anyway.
I've become increasingly nonchalant with things too. Is this part of growing up? On Monday I went for my secondary school softball chalet, and I felt old there. The games didn't excite me as much as before, all I wanted to do was sleep (I'm serious) and I didn't care about attention anymore. Yup, I guesssss it's all part of growing up. But then again.. I feel like my nonchalance is making me indifferent about peoples' emotions. I no longer care as much.
Today, for the first time, I actually shook my mom's hand off when she tried to hook my arm. Even I was shocked by myself. I felt so guilty about it, but I didn't do anything. My mom then talked about something else like she didn't think much about it, and I hope she didn't either.. What is becoming of me? Selfish, self absorbed, self centred. The me of last year would never have been like that. What has become of me? ):
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Human nature
Follow what good feelings your heart has, and ignore the bad. Follow what positive thoughts your mind has, and ignore the negative. ...if you can.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
I try to be grateful.
Hey, today is Thanksgiving Day! (4th Thursday of every Nov) So yeah, gonna thank some people. You may/may not read this post, and your name may/may not be here, but it doesn't mean I have nothing to thank you for. Just gonna be to my family, cliques, and a few other people. Nanyang based.
My mother (who obviously won't see this): Thanks for enduring the shit I give you every single day, and not walking out on me even though you could have any time you wanted.
My second brother: Thanks for not flaring up when I scream at you out of no reason. Thanks for always taking my side.
Alphabetical order:
Alicia: Thanks for being such an easygoing friend, always willing to go with what we want. (:
Alison: Thanks for being so retarded and always playing with me, it all started with a "Want fight ah?!" :p
Angel: Thanks for trying your best to help the team, and putting up with all the trouble we give.. (:
Calise: Thanks for always helping me keep up with school stuff when I pon school, and always giving me encouraging advice when I need it!! (':
Catherine: Thanks for giving each of us so much advice, I can see the best intentions you have for us, only wanting to help us and not harm us, even if you seem to be angry at us sometimes. ;)
Chekwei: Thanks for being a great brother to me, for having listened to me everytime I needed to rant, and for making me laugh and smile so many times. (:
Cindy: Thanks for always putting up with us when we disturb you, and thanks for being such a hardworking friend which I can look up to! (:
Diondra: Thanks for being my telepathic old new emo buddy, for giving me so much laughter and heartwarming moments! Thanks that I can always feel relaxed and go crazy when I'm with you, and thanks for giving me so much love (':
Huixian: Thanks for being my fake lover and providing me with so much joy and laughter when we're together, and always being on my side to scold people who are against me and making me laugh. <3
Huiyang: Thanks for being so encouraging, and for being someone I can talk with about anything to do with life, and for being a role model for me to follow. ;)
Shanice: Thanks for always listening to us when we're talking about floorball, though you may not know a bit of it, and thanks for always trying to understand even when you could have just left what we say as it is. (:
Shiqi: Thanks for growing with me in God, and for giving me so much encouragement everytime I face a setback! And thanks for being everyone's source of entertainment whenever school seems so boring, you're a great friend to all of us (:
Siaoyi: Thanks for working so hard to accomodate to me as a partner in floorball, and thanks for always laughing at my lame jokes and humouring me. Thanks for being a great friend to talk to and joke with! :D
Weiling: Thanks for being my sister all this while, thanks for providing me with so much consolation and encouragement everytime, always being there for me, thanks for all the letters and presents, thanks for all the considerate acts and words, thanks for the laughter, thanks for the smiles, thanks for the time, thanks for so so much!! And thanks for the countless times I haven't been a good friend, yet you still loved me as a sister. (:
Vivien: Thanks for always noticing something's wrong, and trying to dig it out from me, thanks for always laughing at my retarded jokes, for being so silly with me everytime, thanks for the fun times you've given to me, thanks for the memorable events we've had, thanks for sharing a common experience with me and understanding me! And thanks for the love you've shown to me, twin! (:
Last but NOT least, to God:
Thank You for all these people you have placed in my life, and the others I haven't mentioned too. Thank You for blessing me so so much. ((:
My mother (who obviously won't see this): Thanks for enduring the shit I give you every single day, and not walking out on me even though you could have any time you wanted.
My second brother: Thanks for not flaring up when I scream at you out of no reason. Thanks for always taking my side.
Alphabetical order:
Alicia: Thanks for being such an easygoing friend, always willing to go with what we want. (:
Alison: Thanks for being so retarded and always playing with me, it all started with a "Want fight ah?!" :p
Angel: Thanks for trying your best to help the team, and putting up with all the trouble we give.. (:
Calise: Thanks for always helping me keep up with school stuff when I pon school, and always giving me encouraging advice when I need it!! (':
Catherine: Thanks for giving each of us so much advice, I can see the best intentions you have for us, only wanting to help us and not harm us, even if you seem to be angry at us sometimes. ;)
Chekwei: Thanks for being a great brother to me, for having listened to me everytime I needed to rant, and for making me laugh and smile so many times. (:
Cindy: Thanks for always putting up with us when we disturb you, and thanks for being such a hardworking friend which I can look up to! (:
Diondra: Thanks for being my telepathic old new emo buddy, for giving me so much laughter and heartwarming moments! Thanks that I can always feel relaxed and go crazy when I'm with you, and thanks for giving me so much love (':
Huixian: Thanks for being my fake lover and providing me with so much joy and laughter when we're together, and always being on my side to scold people who are against me and making me laugh. <3
Huiyang: Thanks for being so encouraging, and for being someone I can talk with about anything to do with life, and for being a role model for me to follow. ;)
Shanice: Thanks for always listening to us when we're talking about floorball, though you may not know a bit of it, and thanks for always trying to understand even when you could have just left what we say as it is. (:
Shiqi: Thanks for growing with me in God, and for giving me so much encouragement everytime I face a setback! And thanks for being everyone's source of entertainment whenever school seems so boring, you're a great friend to all of us (:
Siaoyi: Thanks for working so hard to accomodate to me as a partner in floorball, and thanks for always laughing at my lame jokes and humouring me. Thanks for being a great friend to talk to and joke with! :D
Weiling: Thanks for being my sister all this while, thanks for providing me with so much consolation and encouragement everytime, always being there for me, thanks for all the letters and presents, thanks for all the considerate acts and words, thanks for the laughter, thanks for the smiles, thanks for the time, thanks for so so much!! And thanks for the countless times I haven't been a good friend, yet you still loved me as a sister. (:
Vivien: Thanks for always noticing something's wrong, and trying to dig it out from me, thanks for always laughing at my retarded jokes, for being so silly with me everytime, thanks for the fun times you've given to me, thanks for the memorable events we've had, thanks for sharing a common experience with me and understanding me! And thanks for the love you've shown to me, twin! (:
Last but NOT least, to God:
Thank You for all these people you have placed in my life, and the others I haven't mentioned too. Thank You for blessing me so so much. ((:
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Nightmares
Okay hi I have no idea how to start this blog post, cause my thoughts are everywhere. Ahhhhh. Anyhow, okay?
I'm reading this fanfic now, and I came across this sidenote by the author that said "sometimes, the expectations we have of the people we love only puts more burden on them". She was referring to the Korean artistes, cause inside the fanfic it was how the fans reacted to the relationship the girl and guy shared, and it was causing them loads of trouble blahblah.
Note: This blogpost is gonna get.. personal?
Okay, so I transferred this thought to myself. I mentioned in one of my previous blogposts (July: What to say, what not to say) that I really don't like 'expectations'.. Ahhh, yeah, everyone only means well and it's only human to expect something, but how I wish this didn't exist. But then again, without Hope what would we live for, and without Expectation how would we derive Surprise and Satisfaction..? The other side of the coin would then by what I'm most afraid of: Disappointment. Maybe this is something I need to learn to handle, cause I face it only too often. But that's also why I'd rather Expectations didn't exist.. Ah freak. I really really experience internal struggles within my mind very often. Maybe it's the mind VS the heart.
I question myself pretty often if the reason why I'm such a loser is cause I never ever truly pick myself up from every fall -- do I actually just close my eyes to the setback and numb myself to whatever emotions I have?
I don't know, I'm just wondering. Cause my problems always seem to resurface and creep into my life every single time. I always claim to cry, and then continue my life, but.. Ahhh. I just hide it deeper in my heart every time. The demon I'm facing now, no, who's BEHIND and INSIDE of me now, playing with my every emotion, is using.. floorball now. Every comment and every criticism, I try to correct myself to them, but nothing happens. Seriously, NOTHING happens. It's like me, trying to throw something so hard into the air in hope of reaching greater heights, but all that happens right after that is that it drops down right back at me, hitting me right smack in the face. For a moment that day, something inside me told me I hated floorball. But I knew it wasn't true, I liked this sport so much. I guess it was Expectations placing its burden on me again. And yes, people around me are those who only want the best for me, and I am so thankful towards them. The problem now is me. The invisible wall in front of me is.. Unbreakable. Every attempt at shooting, passing, dribbling, whatever, is just a gentle tap on the wall. And on the other side of this wall, is something called Improvement. "Outdo your limits", they often say. But when it's such a weak me against such a huge wall, what good does it do? I am so f-ing angry with myself, and when I use the F word (which btw is never), I mean something.
Okay, nevermind about that first. Now on to another thing I wanted to talk about: Friends. Is the reliance we dub as friendship one that says: "Find me when you need, throw me when you don't"? Really, don't you look for someone when you're having fun, and another when you need encouragement and consolation? So, when you're trouble free you have so much fun with someone, and then forget all about the other friend who was there for you when you needed them.
Argh, senseless ranting. I'm such an angry person recently, I'm sorry. Ah freak.
I'm reading this fanfic now, and I came across this sidenote by the author that said "sometimes, the expectations we have of the people we love only puts more burden on them". She was referring to the Korean artistes, cause inside the fanfic it was how the fans reacted to the relationship the girl and guy shared, and it was causing them loads of trouble blahblah.
Note: This blogpost is gonna get.. personal?
Okay, so I transferred this thought to myself. I mentioned in one of my previous blogposts (July: What to say, what not to say) that I really don't like 'expectations'.. Ahhh, yeah, everyone only means well and it's only human to expect something, but how I wish this didn't exist. But then again, without Hope what would we live for, and without Expectation how would we derive Surprise and Satisfaction..? The other side of the coin would then by what I'm most afraid of: Disappointment. Maybe this is something I need to learn to handle, cause I face it only too often. But that's also why I'd rather Expectations didn't exist.. Ah freak. I really really experience internal struggles within my mind very often. Maybe it's the mind VS the heart.
I question myself pretty often if the reason why I'm such a loser is cause I never ever truly pick myself up from every fall -- do I actually just close my eyes to the setback and numb myself to whatever emotions I have?
I don't know, I'm just wondering. Cause my problems always seem to resurface and creep into my life every single time. I always claim to cry, and then continue my life, but.. Ahhh. I just hide it deeper in my heart every time. The demon I'm facing now, no, who's BEHIND and INSIDE of me now, playing with my every emotion, is using.. floorball now. Every comment and every criticism, I try to correct myself to them, but nothing happens. Seriously, NOTHING happens. It's like me, trying to throw something so hard into the air in hope of reaching greater heights, but all that happens right after that is that it drops down right back at me, hitting me right smack in the face. For a moment that day, something inside me told me I hated floorball. But I knew it wasn't true, I liked this sport so much. I guess it was Expectations placing its burden on me again. And yes, people around me are those who only want the best for me, and I am so thankful towards them. The problem now is me. The invisible wall in front of me is.. Unbreakable. Every attempt at shooting, passing, dribbling, whatever, is just a gentle tap on the wall. And on the other side of this wall, is something called Improvement. "Outdo your limits", they often say. But when it's such a weak me against such a huge wall, what good does it do? I am so f-ing angry with myself, and when I use the F word (which btw is never), I mean something.
Okay, nevermind about that first. Now on to another thing I wanted to talk about: Friends. Is the reliance we dub as friendship one that says: "Find me when you need, throw me when you don't"? Really, don't you look for someone when you're having fun, and another when you need encouragement and consolation? So, when you're trouble free you have so much fun with someone, and then forget all about the other friend who was there for you when you needed them.
Argh, senseless ranting. I'm such an angry person recently, I'm sorry. Ah freak.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Fallacy
I have this two friends who are both really nice people and they're really close - they've been best friends since kindergarten. And the reason why they became besties was cause of a very simple incident.
Friendship. <3
*A breaks B's pencil (or something)*I really like this, it's heartwarming. They've stayed best friends ever since.
*B cries*
A: Ahhh sorryyyy! Don't cry, don't cry! I be your best friend k!!!
Friendship. <3
I question my heart
HELLO! Okay this was supposed to be a pretty serious post but I totally forgot after me and my brother (biological) started stalking people on Facebook. Vut duh hiao.
Okay and so it shall be random. Haha! Hmm right now I'm reading this book, Giants of Asia: Conversations with Lee Kuan Yew, by Tom Plate. It's a pretty interesting read, nothing to do with politics (okay I'm lying) but more of about him. He is the man. I like him! If I had to make myself model after someone successful, it'd be him. There was this thing he said which I think is wah, sensible man. He said something about his bad temper, and then that a successful leader is feared and loved. And then he said that if he had to choose between the two, he thinks fearful is the one to choose -- it helps get things done. True much. Not to mention that most Singaporeans do love him now, haha he has proved his beliefs correct.
But okay, this is IF I really want to be a leader that bad. I mean, I like leading cause I feel accomplished when goals are achieved. The thing is, I'm not one who likes the approach of injecting fear (although it is hell effective) to get things done. I prefer persuasion to get willingness and effort, which is a much less effective way which requires so much more effort. Hmm, I'm weird, and I'm sorry to say that the only times this leadership style has proven effective is during amazing race kind of competitions. Short term kind. Yeah, during my Sec 2 year, we had softball camp and I was the only Sec 2 group leader among the Sec 3 leaders. And my group won. Then in my Sec 4 year (Sec 3 year we were in charge of planning) my group won again. But these are really just useless cause I've never been able to lead a proper team to achieve a long term goal, which by the way, is what's more crucial. Me, I only know how to play, yup.
Oh I remember the serious thing I wanted to blog about already. Um, 'serious' with the apostrophes hahaha. Like what my facebook status says, I met a cockroach in the bathroom just now and I failed in killing it. Looking beyond the comical surface of this (which is quite hard..), for a moment just now while I was staring at the cockroach, I felt so.. weak.
Like, wts, I'm scared of such a SMALL thing. Which is like, 1/500 of my size?! You have NO IDEA how scared I was just now. Okay, I gripped my floorball stick until my palm sweated, and my hands shook when I was preparing to hit. And I 'prepared' to hit the cockroach around 3-4 times but backed off at the last second everytime. And when I finally did, I missed. I had a second chance to hit it, but this time it was upside down, under the shampoo rack. When I hit it (Idk whether it got hit or not) it dropped, and disappeared. I was too scared to go in anymore, so I didn't finish bathing.. Yeah, that's how vulnerable I am when I face my deepest fear (as in only in terms of things and not thoughts/emotions) and when I walked into my room later on, I totally jumped when I saw this black thing on my table. Wts, it was just my earphone ._.
There's this FB post that I saw that said something like, The stronger I am on the outside, the weaker I get on the inside. Hmm yeah I totally understand that personally. And oh, I want to be more self-disciplined, though it's pretty hard. No, VERY hard. All I like to do is play, what else? When can I settle down..?
Recently I don't like thinking consciously. My mind's a blank most of the time cept for maybe destinations, time, movements, emotions, conversations. Ah I shall go back to reading my book now, byebye!
Okay and so it shall be random. Haha! Hmm right now I'm reading this book, Giants of Asia: Conversations with Lee Kuan Yew, by Tom Plate. It's a pretty interesting read, nothing to do with politics (okay I'm lying) but more of about him. He is the man. I like him! If I had to make myself model after someone successful, it'd be him. There was this thing he said which I think is wah, sensible man. He said something about his bad temper, and then that a successful leader is feared and loved. And then he said that if he had to choose between the two, he thinks fearful is the one to choose -- it helps get things done. True much. Not to mention that most Singaporeans do love him now, haha he has proved his beliefs correct.
But okay, this is IF I really want to be a leader that bad. I mean, I like leading cause I feel accomplished when goals are achieved. The thing is, I'm not one who likes the approach of injecting fear (although it is hell effective) to get things done. I prefer persuasion to get willingness and effort, which is a much less effective way which requires so much more effort. Hmm, I'm weird, and I'm sorry to say that the only times this leadership style has proven effective is during amazing race kind of competitions. Short term kind. Yeah, during my Sec 2 year, we had softball camp and I was the only Sec 2 group leader among the Sec 3 leaders. And my group won. Then in my Sec 4 year (Sec 3 year we were in charge of planning) my group won again. But these are really just useless cause I've never been able to lead a proper team to achieve a long term goal, which by the way, is what's more crucial. Me, I only know how to play, yup.
Oh I remember the serious thing I wanted to blog about already. Um, 'serious' with the apostrophes hahaha. Like what my facebook status says, I met a cockroach in the bathroom just now and I failed in killing it. Looking beyond the comical surface of this (which is quite hard..), for a moment just now while I was staring at the cockroach, I felt so.. weak.
Like, wts, I'm scared of such a SMALL thing. Which is like, 1/500 of my size?! You have NO IDEA how scared I was just now. Okay, I gripped my floorball stick until my palm sweated, and my hands shook when I was preparing to hit. And I 'prepared' to hit the cockroach around 3-4 times but backed off at the last second everytime. And when I finally did, I missed. I had a second chance to hit it, but this time it was upside down, under the shampoo rack. When I hit it (Idk whether it got hit or not) it dropped, and disappeared. I was too scared to go in anymore, so I didn't finish bathing.. Yeah, that's how vulnerable I am when I face my deepest fear (as in only in terms of things and not thoughts/emotions) and when I walked into my room later on, I totally jumped when I saw this black thing on my table. Wts, it was just my earphone ._.
There's this FB post that I saw that said something like, The stronger I am on the outside, the weaker I get on the inside. Hmm yeah I totally understand that personally. And oh, I want to be more self-disciplined, though it's pretty hard. No, VERY hard. All I like to do is play, what else? When can I settle down..?
Recently I don't like thinking consciously. My mind's a blank most of the time cept for maybe destinations, time, movements, emotions, conversations. Ah I shall go back to reading my book now, byebye!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Memory loss
Okay, so.... I promoted. This seemed impossible to me before, but these few days I kept hearing news about how the retainees would have been contacted, but I wasn't, so okay.. But I'm not happy. Of course, I don't want to retain, but I know I should have did. It doesn't make any sense to me that I got worse results and had poorer conduct than people, yet I promoted and they retained. I feel so guilty, I feel like shit. Life is unfair. So what, I'm a 4 H2s ELL student, vice-captain of floorball, with L1R5 10-2 then I get promoted? "The teachers promote you if they think your standard is there", okay, I do hope I prove this sentence right and live up to the people who might've gotten promoted if I didn't exist, yeah. Or else I'm just a wasted chance. God, I hope I make full use of it, please help me....
Then, today our class also got told by Mdm Ainon that she won't be following us up to J2. So we asked why. She said she had some medical condition and she's been delaying the surgery so as to not affect our studies.. and she apologized for always not being there for lessons and all. So she decided to request to not follow us up cause she felt she wouldn't be able to give us the proper education we needed. We didn't know the whole year. Ah and this is what we shallow people who judge her have said: that she's a lousy teacher, always slacking and not caring about us, and okay there's worse. See how we humans judge? We are SUCH BITCHES. I hate it! She's been so nice to us, to me especially. My perception of her changed the day she signed my reccomendation form for the Taiwan trip and wrote some super nice stuff there, even though she had been scolding my head off the entire first half of the year cause of latecomings and late assignments. I hate myself. Today she cried. I did too.
Alright, and then there's the people who are SO HELL SELF CENTRED they declare publicly how they've been promoted. HELLO, we all know somehow who retained so if you're not one of them you probably promoted and so YOU ARE NOT THAT SPECIAL, OKAY? Instead, can you imagine how hurt a retainee would feel upon reading your facebook post or whatever? I am so angry, but okay none of these people are gonna see my scoldings over here so yeah. If any of 'you' do, and if you're unhappy, feel free to close this window, kthxbai. I really don't like how insensitive people are, or have become. I really don't understand this society.
So irritated. And just something random I wanna say: I don't show my true emotions.
And a heartbreaking video, wah nice song, though it's real old:
Haru Haru - Big Bang
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fO8F7lDhbAM&feature=fvst
Then, today our class also got told by Mdm Ainon that she won't be following us up to J2. So we asked why. She said she had some medical condition and she's been delaying the surgery so as to not affect our studies.. and she apologized for always not being there for lessons and all. So she decided to request to not follow us up cause she felt she wouldn't be able to give us the proper education we needed. We didn't know the whole year. Ah and this is what we shallow people who judge her have said: that she's a lousy teacher, always slacking and not caring about us, and okay there's worse. See how we humans judge? We are SUCH BITCHES. I hate it! She's been so nice to us, to me especially. My perception of her changed the day she signed my reccomendation form for the Taiwan trip and wrote some super nice stuff there, even though she had been scolding my head off the entire first half of the year cause of latecomings and late assignments. I hate myself. Today she cried. I did too.
Alright, and then there's the people who are SO HELL SELF CENTRED they declare publicly how they've been promoted. HELLO, we all know somehow who retained so if you're not one of them you probably promoted and so YOU ARE NOT THAT SPECIAL, OKAY? Instead, can you imagine how hurt a retainee would feel upon reading your facebook post or whatever? I am so angry, but okay none of these people are gonna see my scoldings over here so yeah. If any of 'you' do, and if you're unhappy, feel free to close this window, kthxbai. I really don't like how insensitive people are, or have become. I really don't understand this society.
So irritated. And just something random I wanna say: I don't show my true emotions.
And a heartbreaking video, wah nice song, though it's real old:
Haru Haru - Big Bang
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fO8F7lDhbAM&feature=fvst
I don't wanna close my eyes
Hmm I think my mind is quite blank tonight. I seem to have a lot to say, but nothing to say at all.. <- Haha I always use this line. Opps.
But I mean it.
A few nice songs today (some old some new):
All The Lovers - Kylie Minogue (Um this song has a pretty sick video. ._.)
25 Minutes - MLTR
I Don't Want to Miss a Thing - Aerosmith
Magic - B.o.B. (Hahaha!)
And that last song. AHHH WHAT IS IT. VIVIEN LIM TELL ME WHEN YOU SEE THIS, I CAN'T REMEMBER ._. I really cannot remember things!!! >:\
But I mean it.
A few nice songs today (some old some new):
All The Lovers - Kylie Minogue (Um this song has a pretty sick video. ._.)
25 Minutes - MLTR
I Don't Want to Miss a Thing - Aerosmith
Magic - B.o.B. (Hahaha!)
And that last song. AHHH WHAT IS IT. VIVIEN LIM TELL ME WHEN YOU SEE THIS, I CAN'T REMEMBER ._. I really cannot remember things!!! >:\
Braveheart
Yello, it's officially Doomsday. But.. Kinda received some news that I might not, yknow, get retained. But I'll just leave it as that and see how tomorrow. I really hate seperation. I feel so so so so so unhappy when I just think about having a few less people in class next year. Ahhh! Wts..
Hmm, saw this on Tumblr. So true.. Well I kind of think this says everything I wanted to say. Thanks. And goodnight, let's see what tomorrow holds for me.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
The wall around me
Okay, sorry I haven't blogged in a few days! Currently more hooked on Tumblr. Hahaha.
Past few days have been spent pretty productively, I guess! Today is probably the last day I can slack already. Cause tomorrow there's floorball training, and then tuesday.... Doomsday. I hope it won't be Doomsday though. There's PT on tuesday too, imagine how I would survive through it should I... yknow, retain.
Recently the fact that people are freaking complicated has struck me again. It makes me scared, honestly. People are double-faced, people make up all kinds of excuses, people lie without blinking an eye. Not that I can see their eyes much -- in this technological world there's little face-to-face contact anymore. People create rumours, strife, and trouble. For trouble, I'm thinking of the recent slashings in Downtown East and Bukit Panjang.
There's really a lot going through my mind. When will peace prevail in this sick society we reside in? Seriously.. Dying may be a better option man. Haha cemeteries and graveyards may be creepy, but if you think again, it's the most peaceful place around here now.
Past few days have been spent pretty productively, I guess! Today is probably the last day I can slack already. Cause tomorrow there's floorball training, and then tuesday.... Doomsday. I hope it won't be Doomsday though. There's PT on tuesday too, imagine how I would survive through it should I... yknow, retain.
Recently the fact that people are freaking complicated has struck me again. It makes me scared, honestly. People are double-faced, people make up all kinds of excuses, people lie without blinking an eye. Not that I can see their eyes much -- in this technological world there's little face-to-face contact anymore. People create rumours, strife, and trouble. For trouble, I'm thinking of the recent slashings in Downtown East and Bukit Panjang.
There's really a lot going through my mind. When will peace prevail in this sick society we reside in? Seriously.. Dying may be a better option man. Haha cemeteries and graveyards may be creepy, but if you think again, it's the most peaceful place around here now.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Sing, talk, eat, play, laugh
10/11 was a happy day.
Went to Teoheng with class girls! Calise Cindy Felicia Huixian (: Sang like mad and 3 hours passed in a flash D: I'm sure we'll go again! ^^ Next time with Katrina and Shiqi! :D
Then went to meet CBLJ. Haha now CBLJ's the main branch that includes everyone. But anyway. We went to Rui's house, just hung out (which is quite fun leh!) and then cause of Philip's Coldplay Taptap, I'm now kinda obsessed with Coldplay. Ohmytian they rock :O Clocks, Yellow, The Scientist, and not to mention old favourites like Speed of Sound, Fix You and Viva la Vida. (Y) Okay haha enough of that! After that we went to have meesua. Haha quite nice, if not for the shallots! Maybe next time I ask them not to put. And then came back and played Monopoly deal, tsk. Pwned the two rounds yay! Practice makes perfect (: But it was a fun day, I miss the days we had in AHS. That time seemed more trouble-free than now..
Okay, then 11/11 was a sucky day.
Was supposed to be a fun day, but everything kinda screwed up. What I have to say is that I don't like to pangsei people, yeah. Ended up going to Sakae Sushi with Weiling, which thankfully, went great! (Haha good thing sisters can have fun together anywhere and anytime) Stuffed ourselves TO DEATH, then went Orchard to walk around! Almost bought flats from Rubi, then didn't, then almost bought funflops from The Little Things She Needs (yknow those slippers where you can mix and match the straps and bases) then DIDN'T AGAIN lol! And so.... All we did was eat. Hahaha! Cause after that we went Isetan, Weiling bought this omelette roll thingy while I bought Starbucks bottled coffee, then went back to Ion and we bought this fish-shaped 'cake' and I bought Famous Amos. Haha we are mad! But I like it (Y)
Made up for all the suckiness, I guess. I never ever think that being angry is the solution to anything, so I prefer not to be.
Shall go listen to some Coldplay now ;)
Went to Teoheng with class girls! Calise Cindy Felicia Huixian (: Sang like mad and 3 hours passed in a flash D: I'm sure we'll go again! ^^ Next time with Katrina and Shiqi! :D
Then went to meet CBLJ. Haha now CBLJ's the main branch that includes everyone. But anyway. We went to Rui's house, just hung out (which is quite fun leh!) and then cause of Philip's Coldplay Taptap, I'm now kinda obsessed with Coldplay. Ohmytian they rock :O Clocks, Yellow, The Scientist, and not to mention old favourites like Speed of Sound, Fix You and Viva la Vida. (Y) Okay haha enough of that! After that we went to have meesua. Haha quite nice, if not for the shallots! Maybe next time I ask them not to put. And then came back and played Monopoly deal, tsk. Pwned the two rounds yay! Practice makes perfect (: But it was a fun day, I miss the days we had in AHS. That time seemed more trouble-free than now..
Okay, then 11/11 was a sucky day.
Was supposed to be a fun day, but everything kinda screwed up. What I have to say is that I don't like to pangsei people, yeah. Ended up going to Sakae Sushi with Weiling, which thankfully, went great! (Haha good thing sisters can have fun together anywhere and anytime) Stuffed ourselves TO DEATH, then went Orchard to walk around! Almost bought flats from Rubi, then didn't, then almost bought funflops from The Little Things She Needs (yknow those slippers where you can mix and match the straps and bases) then DIDN'T AGAIN lol! And so.... All we did was eat. Hahaha! Cause after that we went Isetan, Weiling bought this omelette roll thingy while I bought Starbucks bottled coffee, then went back to Ion and we bought this fish-shaped 'cake' and I bought Famous Amos. Haha we are mad! But I like it (Y)
Made up for all the suckiness, I guess. I never ever think that being angry is the solution to anything, so I prefer not to be.
Shall go listen to some Coldplay now ;)
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
We rocked this night & made it forever
Yesterday was an eventful day. PW OP, which by the way, means the END of our PW lives. And then class BBQ, then LAN.
OP went well, when we were in the actual venue already, we were STILL rehearsing, like what the! Unnerving man. But finally I made them stop, then I calmed down by saying a short prayer. God's awesome.
It went well! The firstttt time I actually presented without a single mistake. Woah, by God's grace man. And then, before we had Q&A, I prayed again. And out of the four of us, there was only me who got a question we predicted. Phewwww..
Then went to meet Huixian after doing her card. Went to Raymond's house together with Lucian Liyao Jiesheng Calise and Cindy! And then started the BBQ.. Haha first time our class event got near-full attendance leh, super shocking LOL. But then we had super a lot of fun, at first it was pretty boring to me, then after everyone started warming up to one another it became better and better. Camwhored like mad, then after everything ended, some of us went to play LAN.
Ahh. I really love this class now, I mean, it's quite sad we were all in our different cliques at the start of the year, but only now we realized how fun it could be when we all come together. It's funny how we only learn to treasure things when we're about to lose them huh? Haha. Yeah.. I can't imagine what I would do if I had to leave this class. Just when I realized how fun we could be.....
Took cab home with Shiqi after LAN. Sucked at L4D versus mode and even more at Counterstrike )): But then, after I reached home, I felt really sad. When would I get to see them again? On 16 November, otherwise known as Doomsday? After that day, how many of us would there still be in 1012?
Life works in the most funny ways. Why, why didn't this BBQ happen in like, June or something. At least I might have more time. And oh yeah, I feel quite sad that PW is over too. Not that I wanna face it again, but I suddenly feel real empty without it. )': Humans are self-torturing creatures aren't we.
OP went well, when we were in the actual venue already, we were STILL rehearsing, like what the! Unnerving man. But finally I made them stop, then I calmed down by saying a short prayer. God's awesome.
It went well! The firstttt time I actually presented without a single mistake. Woah, by God's grace man. And then, before we had Q&A, I prayed again. And out of the four of us, there was only me who got a question we predicted. Phewwww..
Then went to meet Huixian after doing her card. Went to Raymond's house together with Lucian Liyao Jiesheng Calise and Cindy! And then started the BBQ.. Haha first time our class event got near-full attendance leh, super shocking LOL. But then we had super a lot of fun, at first it was pretty boring to me, then after everyone started warming up to one another it became better and better. Camwhored like mad, then after everything ended, some of us went to play LAN.
Ahh. I really love this class now, I mean, it's quite sad we were all in our different cliques at the start of the year, but only now we realized how fun it could be when we all come together. It's funny how we only learn to treasure things when we're about to lose them huh? Haha. Yeah.. I can't imagine what I would do if I had to leave this class. Just when I realized how fun we could be.....
Took cab home with Shiqi after LAN. Sucked at L4D versus mode and even more at Counterstrike )): But then, after I reached home, I felt really sad. When would I get to see them again? On 16 November, otherwise known as Doomsday? After that day, how many of us would there still be in 1012?
Life works in the most funny ways. Why, why didn't this BBQ happen in like, June or something. At least I might have more time. And oh yeah, I feel quite sad that PW is over too. Not that I wanna face it again, but I suddenly feel real empty without it. )': Humans are self-torturing creatures aren't we.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Better off with(out) you
Today, I learnt quite a lot while watching television. A lot is not A LOT A LOT but it's quite a bit lah, since usually watching teevee is like near useless and a waste of time to me.
Someone said. "Love is like an addiction. When you get it, you enjoy it immensely. When you don't, you suffer severe withdrawal symptoms.. And then, you will only have yourself to depend on to kick this habit, this addiction."
It's pretty true, well, no one else can help you when you don't want to help yourself. But this is something I knew from the very start, it's just that I found this way of putting it more logical and meaningful. (: It was a good analogy.
And then there was this woman who was talking to her nephew, who stood up for her when other people badmouthed her, saying she was a prostitute kinda woman in the past, and that she was shameless. She said, "Well, that's the truth boy. Who doesn't have a past? I have to face mine no matter what. If I can't even do that, how do I face the future?"
I found this beyond insightful. It's something someone strong would say. It's something I think I wouldn't be able to. Okay, no. Maybe I would be able to say it, but I wouldn't be able to put it into actions. But yeah, everyone has a past, haha even me. Sounds dramatic, but it's the truth. But to tell of my story, would be something that would require ten lifetimes of courage. Maybe anonymously I would, only maybe.
Yup.
And oh, while going home today, Idk why I felt.. Foreign. Think I was too tired, and getting a little dreamy. I was almost oblivious to the people around me, all I could feel was that I didn't know them. I subconsciously knew where I was, of course, but in my mind it felt like I was in a new place. Like, if there was such a thing as 'the soul of Familiarity', it had been sapped away from me. Reaching home, I didn't feel much very at home either. Maybe I should say, "Reaching the house, I ..." My uncle's over to visit, and no I don't like him very much, I admit.
Maybe (only maybe), I feel this way cause I don't feel safe and secure anymore. No place offers me any sense of security and gives me my feeling of belonging, no place gives me a shelter from thunderstorms and a landing for emotion-spilling anymore. Not even home.
At least, and actually this is not very little -- I have God, and He is more than enough. He is my only solace and I seek consolation in Him.
To end off, here's a quote, from Jasmine to me on Twitter:
Haha okay end of post. Good night!
Someone said. "Love is like an addiction. When you get it, you enjoy it immensely. When you don't, you suffer severe withdrawal symptoms.. And then, you will only have yourself to depend on to kick this habit, this addiction."
It's pretty true, well, no one else can help you when you don't want to help yourself. But this is something I knew from the very start, it's just that I found this way of putting it more logical and meaningful. (: It was a good analogy.
And then there was this woman who was talking to her nephew, who stood up for her when other people badmouthed her, saying she was a prostitute kinda woman in the past, and that she was shameless. She said, "Well, that's the truth boy. Who doesn't have a past? I have to face mine no matter what. If I can't even do that, how do I face the future?"
I found this beyond insightful. It's something someone strong would say. It's something I think I wouldn't be able to. Okay, no. Maybe I would be able to say it, but I wouldn't be able to put it into actions. But yeah, everyone has a past, haha even me. Sounds dramatic, but it's the truth. But to tell of my story, would be something that would require ten lifetimes of courage. Maybe anonymously I would, only maybe.
Yup.
And oh, while going home today, Idk why I felt.. Foreign. Think I was too tired, and getting a little dreamy. I was almost oblivious to the people around me, all I could feel was that I didn't know them. I subconsciously knew where I was, of course, but in my mind it felt like I was in a new place. Like, if there was such a thing as 'the soul of Familiarity', it had been sapped away from me. Reaching home, I didn't feel much very at home either. Maybe I should say, "Reaching the house, I ..." My uncle's over to visit, and no I don't like him very much, I admit.
Maybe (only maybe), I feel this way cause I don't feel safe and secure anymore. No place offers me any sense of security and gives me my feeling of belonging, no place gives me a shelter from thunderstorms and a landing for emotion-spilling anymore. Not even home.
At least, and actually this is not very little -- I have God, and He is more than enough. He is my only solace and I seek consolation in Him.
To end off, here's a quote, from Jasmine to me on Twitter:
On the landing, you hear your foreign accent echo down the stairs. You think in a language of your own and talk in theirs. - Carol Ann Duffy (poet)Haha and something embarassing: At first she quoted the person as Duffy, and I thought it was the singer LOL. And I asked, "That's cool, is it a song by her?" *hides head like an ostrich*
Haha okay end of post. Good night!
If I die young
Wow, these few days have passed in a flash. Happy days do pass quicker, don't they?
Anyway, I was thinking, on the day I die, what would I think of when I look back at my life?
I got inspired to ponder over this after reading countless birthday messages. People use this one chance in the year they get to tell you something truthful with a reason, and you can learn a lot from there. I mean, "Happy birthday" would represent that you probably didn't have much to do with him/her. "Happy birthday, stay ____!" would mean you gave that someone a certain lasting impression. "Happy birthday, thanks for ____" would mean you left an impact in the person's life. Of course, this is just a general trend, it doesn't apply to all. When I looked at the wishes I got, a common one was: for me to smile always. So, I smile a lot huh? (: Tsk.
Okay, back to the topic. I saw some thank you messages, I won't say it's a lot, cause I have no other standard to compare against. But anyway, when I die, what will I think of my life when I look back?
Honestly, I think, I won't feel that my life has been a failure. After all, the notion that good results = success has been an idea forced upon me since young, by the brainwashing education system, and I realize that I don't believe in it. Knowing myself, I usually don't excel in things I do not believe in. Well, that might explain for why my studies suck.
What I would feel, is that my life has not been in vain if I have possibly altered people's lives for the better. Be it even a bit, it has significance in it for me. I think I've come to the conclusion that material items (including grades) do nothing much but numbs us to the more important aspects we should be looking at. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:13, "..and now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."
Yeah, what is love to the world now? Placed after work, studies, material success? Love, to me, consists of friendship, kinship -- all relationships. Material things are but just tools to sustain my ability to love people, cause without being able to provide for my very own basic needs for survival, how else would I gain the ability to provide for others? But yes, I need no more than just adequate; I don't seek fame, fortune, and glory.
When I tell of my story in future, I hope I can honestly say: "I was never an outstanding student and worker. But I was definitely an outstanding daughter, sister, friend, wife -- an outstanding lover." And with this, I'll be able to die in peace..
Anyway, I was thinking, on the day I die, what would I think of when I look back at my life?
I got inspired to ponder over this after reading countless birthday messages. People use this one chance in the year they get to tell you something truthful with a reason, and you can learn a lot from there. I mean, "Happy birthday" would represent that you probably didn't have much to do with him/her. "Happy birthday, stay ____!" would mean you gave that someone a certain lasting impression. "Happy birthday, thanks for ____" would mean you left an impact in the person's life. Of course, this is just a general trend, it doesn't apply to all. When I looked at the wishes I got, a common one was: for me to smile always. So, I smile a lot huh? (: Tsk.
Okay, back to the topic. I saw some thank you messages, I won't say it's a lot, cause I have no other standard to compare against. But anyway, when I die, what will I think of my life when I look back?
Honestly, I think, I won't feel that my life has been a failure. After all, the notion that good results = success has been an idea forced upon me since young, by the brainwashing education system, and I realize that I don't believe in it. Knowing myself, I usually don't excel in things I do not believe in. Well, that might explain for why my studies suck.
What I would feel, is that my life has not been in vain if I have possibly altered people's lives for the better. Be it even a bit, it has significance in it for me. I think I've come to the conclusion that material items (including grades) do nothing much but numbs us to the more important aspects we should be looking at. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:13, "..and now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."
Yeah, what is love to the world now? Placed after work, studies, material success? Love, to me, consists of friendship, kinship -- all relationships. Material things are but just tools to sustain my ability to love people, cause without being able to provide for my very own basic needs for survival, how else would I gain the ability to provide for others? But yes, I need no more than just adequate; I don't seek fame, fortune, and glory.
When I tell of my story in future, I hope I can honestly say: "I was never an outstanding student and worker. But I was definitely an outstanding daughter, sister, friend, wife -- an outstanding lover." And with this, I'll be able to die in peace..
Monday, November 1, 2010
I opened my eyes, it was only just a dream
I need to wake up to reality, cause confusion is not my thing.
Hmm, I am great at numbing myself, I realize. Either that or I make a great actor. Maybe all great actors and actresses start with acting in their very own lives. But nah, I don't wanna be an actress. Director or scriptwriter is pretty cool though.
Hmm, I am great at numbing myself, I realize. Either that or I make a great actor. Maybe all great actors and actresses start with acting in their very own lives. But nah, I don't wanna be an actress. Director or scriptwriter is pretty cool though.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
(:
On this day, Zhiqing, we believe God wants you to know ... that when the night feels very long, remember that a new day is just around the bend. With each new day we are given new hope, new possibilities, new opportunities. Each new day is a miracle.
I will be strong!
I will be strong!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Promotion.
Hey everyone.
To the people who are wondering how I feel now, I'm now going to tell you everything. You may have asked me how I felt or something, but I might not have said it cause I would just cry. If I cry, I won't be able to talk about it. And when I try to start, I'll just cry again. So yeah, I'd rather be happy for all of you, than dampen your moods. Crying ..can be left to be done alone. If I've cried in front of you today, I'm very sorry. I try very hard to clench my teeth and get over it, but I break sometimes. I apologize..
But now, I'm typing these here, so that if you really really wanna know how I feel, at least you can read this to find out. Cause I'd never be able to say it, without dropping a single tear.
This is today's story through my eyes. It'll be a long one.
For the past few days, I've been having the feeling that I'm gonna retain. It seemed like God's trying to give me a warning, so that it wouldn't be an overshock for me. Today morning, I overslept. My mom and bro said that no matter how they shook me, I wouldn't wake up.. Makes me wonder if I was trying to escape from all that was coming, haha. But I woke up 15mins before results giving started, then I rushed to school.
I reached right on time for GP. First, we got the essays. I looked at the comments, and it looked fine. I thought I was gonna pass for sure. So, I flipped, and wow, I got 31/50. Highest ever in this year. Then, I got my compre, which was a little disappointing, 24/50. But the overall was good, so I was content. More than content. Huiying congratulated me again and again, and I was so happy I was shaking. Then Mdm Ainon came up to me and said, "Zhiqing, I loved your essay. So I'm gonna submit it for the GP bulletin." Yeah, and I thought there was surely going to be hope. God was going to let me promote.
And then, I repeated again and again in my mind, "Just have to pass maths or econs, then I can promote already!!!" So I was looking forward to maths, since it was quite easy. 1013 got back theirs faster than us, and I looked as a few people went "YES!!!" and all. I got quite hopeful. Then I got the paper, and I looked. Oh, my tian. 31. 31/100. Or rather, 103. Wah die, gone already! But I was still hopeful, I smiled, told myself it was gonna be okay, and talked to Jiesheng, Liyao, Lucian, the people around me. I felt alright.
Then, chem. Totally expected, I didn't study for it what. I placed alllll my hope on maths and econs. No comments here.
Next, was econs. I thought I could probably pass, it wasn't that hard, right? I got back my essay Q1, oh 12/25. Okay, not bad, not bad. Then case study. 11/30. Shit, Must get a little bit better for the last essay question! Then can pass already!! And came the score sheet. I looked. My heart sunk. Under the essay Q2 column, there were rows and rows of double digits. And then one sole, lonely, single digit. Wah, who's that suay person? I looked at the row to the left..... And staring back at me in disbelief was my own name. Ha, got you huh!, it screamed at me. I actually got 9/25 for my macroecons question, what a joke! And everyone got so much better! I felt weak and helpless, that's all that I could feel.. Yeah, then I stoned a while, let it settle in.. Okay then I breathed, chilled, went to talk to Calise, Cindy, Huixian, Shiqi for a while. They were all okay so far, not bad. Then I went to talk to Alicia, Shanice, Siaoyi, Vivien, Weiling. Not bad also, they thought they would retain and they've been proved wrong, so yeah. (Not sure if this applies to all of them, but whatever.) I think at this point of time, it hadn't dawned upon me that I had failed three H2s. The world was still ..revolving, at least.
Went to look for Chekwei for a while, decided to talk later. He looked pretty down.
Went back to my class. Not sure if it was this point of time, but we saw Katrina crying in front. I don't know what happened, but Cindy went to console her, yup. Then Calise started talking about how when she consoles people, the person just ends up crying even harder. We all laughed and all, then Huixian said she didn't like to see her friends cry. And Shiqi pretended to cry, then Huixian like, pretended to hit her those type, haha super funny. Then I went to sit with the 1013 people (A, S, S, V, W) and this time Alison was there too. I told Weiling it'd be a joke if next year, there'll be a retainee's essay inside the GP bulletin. Argh. But shut up, then played throw catch using a M&M tube with Siaoyi while Alison and Weiling tried to intercept, then went back behind again for chinese. And cause I was scared since my ELL teacher was like sitting there.
Chinese was good, but I was numb, so it made no difference.
Okay then, talked to the 1013 people a while, then Jiesheng for a while, then stoned. Then Mrs Lee's voice echoed in the hall, "ELL students please proceed to the front ..." Yeah, so I stood up, looked around for some of the others so that we could walk up together. Gasper and Isabella walked up, so I walked along with them. Then very quickly, she passed the papers to us. I looked at it. Oh, shit. 18/50. Wts, wts, wts, wts, wts! I opened my paper, I got 8/25 for the part I expected to fail. Then suddenly it struck me - Huh?! I got 10 for the first part?! And I flipped. Yeah, 10/25. And I thought I would get like, super high? Like at least a 17? And .......10? I couldn't believe my own eyes. We exchanged our marks, Cass gave me an encouraging pat on the shoulder. Liz asked me about it and then she hugged me. All I felt was, stunned. So I quickly returned the script to Mrs Lee and walked off. I walked to my class people, then like packed my bag cause I knew they were just waiting for me to go off. And then Huixian asked me, "Hey how was ELL?" and then Idk why, it came all of a sudden. I swear, I shocked myself.
My tears suddenly burst out and I hugged Huixian, and just kept crying. She was quite poor thing, like she was like "Huh huh huh what happened?? 不要吓我, 不要吓我!!" and all I did was cry. Then Calise, Cindy, Shiqi came over, asked me what happened, all that. At this point of time, I think I wasn't in the right frame of mind, cause right now I can't remember why I could say the things I said. I told them that I failed all four H2s. But I didn't exactly 'realize' it, it just came out of my mouth, and only then did it occur to me. And I continued crying. Then I heard something that they said about how I was making them cry too, and then Huixian was saying it quite dramatically, so I started laughing a bit, but I think they thought I was still crying. Then I think Shiqi told Calise to go away in case I cry even more (refer back to our talk about how when Calise consoles someone the person cries even harder), and this made me laugh super hard. So I let go of Huixian, and then Huixian was like, "Huh?!?!?! So is tears of joy or what?!!" then I laughed even more. So I kinda stopped a bit. Just a bit, then I started again. They passed me tissue and then Shiqi talked to me at the side. She told me to just believe, that it's not the end, and to pray, to have faith in God. So I calmed down, and went back to them, then we left for PW. (Thanks so much guys.. I love you all.)
Okay, then I replied Weiling that I failed, and I put the phone back into my pocket. After a while, we walked out of the hall, and then I saw her, Shanice, and Vivien walking towards us. Oh man, she's coming to console me.. And suddenly I just broke down again. I cried outside the hall (hahaha, embarassing..) on Weiling's shoulder, then Shiqi they all handed me tissue again, then Weiling just dragged me to the toilet. We talked a bit, she gave me super a lot of toilet paper, then she just kept joking to make me laugh. Shanice offered me her cookies and cream ice blended, I rejected. At this point of time, I felt a little uncomfortable, like the world was coming to an end, like, this was it. But I stopped crying, then they escorted me up to the comp lab cause I had to do PW. Weiling passed me the Biscuit Cola (the one stick one stick biscuit) and I just ate whatever she gave me. It tasted ..tasteless. People walking past me looked at me like I was crazy, like some little kid who just cried and was being humoured using a biscuit. Hmm, then we walked a round to look at all the paintings, and they didn't appeal to me much. Then finally they had to leave to do PW, and Shanice and Vivien each threw their Polar biscuit and Oheya to me. I rejected, cause I knew I had no appetite. But they insisted, so I also didn't bear to reject, and so they left. Then I realized that she actually had replied to me that she would come find me. If I saw it earlier, maybe I wouldn't have broke down, hmm.
Then Kiahyeen, my PW group leader, asked me to look at the script. I guess she didn't realize I cried. So I walked to a computer further away, then tried to start doing. But as I did my stuff, tears flowed down my face.. But I'm glad no one saw. The lab was quite empty. Everyone had to be celebrating, either that or they were too depressed to do PW. But I beared with it, not like if I'm sad, I can just throw PW aside right.. Then before long we had to return to the classroom cause the teacher wanted to teach us presentation skills. We had to come up with a product to modify and sell. So we discussed. Halfway through discussion, Gaby cried. People rushed up to console her, and I wanted to go over to hug her and tell her that I understood, I understood the pain so much.. But I didn't, of course. She went to the toilet, and then we continued discussion and all. Finally came our turn, walked up to the front, felt so fragile. Lucian smiled at me, I smiled back. Beared with all the pain I was in and just presented our product to the group, like nothing even happened. Yeah then blah blah.. And our group was 'the best', so the teacher said he'd get chocolate for us. Lesson ended, then Kiahyeen told me to go to the library. They left first while I talked to Huixian and Shiqi. We talked about our results, then Shiqi asked me what I would take if I retained. I answered, like I just went on and on cause I was thinking it would probably happen already. Then Huixian suddenly like complained and asked me to stop, cause she was going to cry.. ): And Shiqi and I both laughed, cause she was like crying over nothing. Cindy, who was doing PW at the back of the room, also laughed and asked her, "Aiyo Huixian 你什么事!!". Shiqi tried to offer tissue, then Huixian said she didn't want. So we asked her what was wrong, and she said: "I don't want you to retain..." and ahhhh, that broke my heart. I started crying too, but laughed at the same time cause it was quite.. Funny. But I felt super touched, really. Then Huixian, seeing me cry, cried even harder, and then she decided that "she wanted the tissue after all", haha! We stopped after laughing for a while, then I left to find my group. Ended up they went to the comp lab. Yeah, then did a while, Kiahyeen asked me and Dingyang for our promos results, then I just shook my head. I didn't wanna cry again. So we continued, and we finished. And I left.
Chekwei passed me a whole ton of snacks also, and asked me to take care. My whole bag's full of snacks from people....
When I was outside, and on the verge of tears, I wanted to scream. I wanted to just tell everyone, "I'm in pain, I'm in so much pain, help..."
Yeah, then at home, I got nagged by my mom about the usual stuff.. Like why I hadn't bathed yet, why am I so lazy, etc. And I almost cried.. So I got my clothes, and I went into the bathroom. And I cried, and cried, and cried. Mommy, I wonder, if you knew my pain right now, would you still scold me and shout at me like that? I'm so sorry for disappointing you..
People smsed me to ask me to cheer up, all that. I don't know how to reply, very honestly.. Like, I don't want to lie to myself and you all by telling you that I will fight on, and whatever. Cause I feel so weak. Yet I also don't want all of you to worry about me.. Now, maybe you guys might just want to play with me? Fun is the only way I can forget about things, I guess. I hope..
Oh yeah, another thing.. I would never be unhappy with any of you for doing well, I'm more than happy to see you guys shine. I would never hope for you guys to do as badly as me. All I can do, is just to feel disappointed for not doing as well, that's all.
All these are my own fault.. I didn't work hard enough, I screwed everything up.
God, it hurts. Save me.
To the people who are wondering how I feel now, I'm now going to tell you everything. You may have asked me how I felt or something, but I might not have said it cause I would just cry. If I cry, I won't be able to talk about it. And when I try to start, I'll just cry again. So yeah, I'd rather be happy for all of you, than dampen your moods. Crying ..can be left to be done alone. If I've cried in front of you today, I'm very sorry. I try very hard to clench my teeth and get over it, but I break sometimes. I apologize..
But now, I'm typing these here, so that if you really really wanna know how I feel, at least you can read this to find out. Cause I'd never be able to say it, without dropping a single tear.
This is today's story through my eyes. It'll be a long one.
For the past few days, I've been having the feeling that I'm gonna retain. It seemed like God's trying to give me a warning, so that it wouldn't be an overshock for me. Today morning, I overslept. My mom and bro said that no matter how they shook me, I wouldn't wake up.. Makes me wonder if I was trying to escape from all that was coming, haha. But I woke up 15mins before results giving started, then I rushed to school.
I reached right on time for GP. First, we got the essays. I looked at the comments, and it looked fine. I thought I was gonna pass for sure. So, I flipped, and wow, I got 31/50. Highest ever in this year. Then, I got my compre, which was a little disappointing, 24/50. But the overall was good, so I was content. More than content. Huiying congratulated me again and again, and I was so happy I was shaking. Then Mdm Ainon came up to me and said, "Zhiqing, I loved your essay. So I'm gonna submit it for the GP bulletin." Yeah, and I thought there was surely going to be hope. God was going to let me promote.
And then, I repeated again and again in my mind, "Just have to pass maths or econs, then I can promote already!!!" So I was looking forward to maths, since it was quite easy. 1013 got back theirs faster than us, and I looked as a few people went "YES!!!" and all. I got quite hopeful. Then I got the paper, and I looked. Oh, my tian. 31. 31/100. Or rather, 103. Wah die, gone already! But I was still hopeful, I smiled, told myself it was gonna be okay, and talked to Jiesheng, Liyao, Lucian, the people around me. I felt alright.
Then, chem. Totally expected, I didn't study for it what. I placed alllll my hope on maths and econs. No comments here.
Next, was econs. I thought I could probably pass, it wasn't that hard, right? I got back my essay Q1, oh 12/25. Okay, not bad, not bad. Then case study. 11/30. Shit, Must get a little bit better for the last essay question! Then can pass already!! And came the score sheet. I looked. My heart sunk. Under the essay Q2 column, there were rows and rows of double digits. And then one sole, lonely, single digit. Wah, who's that suay person? I looked at the row to the left..... And staring back at me in disbelief was my own name. Ha, got you huh!, it screamed at me. I actually got 9/25 for my macroecons question, what a joke! And everyone got so much better! I felt weak and helpless, that's all that I could feel.. Yeah, then I stoned a while, let it settle in.. Okay then I breathed, chilled, went to talk to Calise, Cindy, Huixian, Shiqi for a while. They were all okay so far, not bad. Then I went to talk to Alicia, Shanice, Siaoyi, Vivien, Weiling. Not bad also, they thought they would retain and they've been proved wrong, so yeah. (Not sure if this applies to all of them, but whatever.) I think at this point of time, it hadn't dawned upon me that I had failed three H2s. The world was still ..revolving, at least.
Went to look for Chekwei for a while, decided to talk later. He looked pretty down.
Went back to my class. Not sure if it was this point of time, but we saw Katrina crying in front. I don't know what happened, but Cindy went to console her, yup. Then Calise started talking about how when she consoles people, the person just ends up crying even harder. We all laughed and all, then Huixian said she didn't like to see her friends cry. And Shiqi pretended to cry, then Huixian like, pretended to hit her those type, haha super funny. Then I went to sit with the 1013 people (A, S, S, V, W) and this time Alison was there too. I told Weiling it'd be a joke if next year, there'll be a retainee's essay inside the GP bulletin. Argh. But shut up, then played throw catch using a M&M tube with Siaoyi while Alison and Weiling tried to intercept, then went back behind again for chinese. And cause I was scared since my ELL teacher was like sitting there.
Chinese was good, but I was numb, so it made no difference.
Okay then, talked to the 1013 people a while, then Jiesheng for a while, then stoned. Then Mrs Lee's voice echoed in the hall, "ELL students please proceed to the front ..." Yeah, so I stood up, looked around for some of the others so that we could walk up together. Gasper and Isabella walked up, so I walked along with them. Then very quickly, she passed the papers to us. I looked at it. Oh, shit. 18/50. Wts, wts, wts, wts, wts! I opened my paper, I got 8/25 for the part I expected to fail. Then suddenly it struck me - Huh?! I got 10 for the first part?! And I flipped. Yeah, 10/25. And I thought I would get like, super high? Like at least a 17? And .......10? I couldn't believe my own eyes. We exchanged our marks, Cass gave me an encouraging pat on the shoulder. Liz asked me about it and then she hugged me. All I felt was, stunned. So I quickly returned the script to Mrs Lee and walked off. I walked to my class people, then like packed my bag cause I knew they were just waiting for me to go off. And then Huixian asked me, "Hey how was ELL?" and then Idk why, it came all of a sudden. I swear, I shocked myself.
My tears suddenly burst out and I hugged Huixian, and just kept crying. She was quite poor thing, like she was like "Huh huh huh what happened?? 不要吓我, 不要吓我!!" and all I did was cry. Then Calise, Cindy, Shiqi came over, asked me what happened, all that. At this point of time, I think I wasn't in the right frame of mind, cause right now I can't remember why I could say the things I said. I told them that I failed all four H2s. But I didn't exactly 'realize' it, it just came out of my mouth, and only then did it occur to me. And I continued crying. Then I heard something that they said about how I was making them cry too, and then Huixian was saying it quite dramatically, so I started laughing a bit, but I think they thought I was still crying. Then I think Shiqi told Calise to go away in case I cry even more (refer back to our talk about how when Calise consoles someone the person cries even harder), and this made me laugh super hard. So I let go of Huixian, and then Huixian was like, "Huh?!?!?! So is tears of joy or what?!!" then I laughed even more. So I kinda stopped a bit. Just a bit, then I started again. They passed me tissue and then Shiqi talked to me at the side. She told me to just believe, that it's not the end, and to pray, to have faith in God. So I calmed down, and went back to them, then we left for PW. (Thanks so much guys.. I love you all.)
Okay, then I replied Weiling that I failed, and I put the phone back into my pocket. After a while, we walked out of the hall, and then I saw her, Shanice, and Vivien walking towards us. Oh man, she's coming to console me.. And suddenly I just broke down again. I cried outside the hall (hahaha, embarassing..) on Weiling's shoulder, then Shiqi they all handed me tissue again, then Weiling just dragged me to the toilet. We talked a bit, she gave me super a lot of toilet paper, then she just kept joking to make me laugh. Shanice offered me her cookies and cream ice blended, I rejected. At this point of time, I felt a little uncomfortable, like the world was coming to an end, like, this was it. But I stopped crying, then they escorted me up to the comp lab cause I had to do PW. Weiling passed me the Biscuit Cola (the one stick one stick biscuit) and I just ate whatever she gave me. It tasted ..tasteless. People walking past me looked at me like I was crazy, like some little kid who just cried and was being humoured using a biscuit. Hmm, then we walked a round to look at all the paintings, and they didn't appeal to me much. Then finally they had to leave to do PW, and Shanice and Vivien each threw their Polar biscuit and Oheya to me. I rejected, cause I knew I had no appetite. But they insisted, so I also didn't bear to reject, and so they left. Then I realized that she actually had replied to me that she would come find me. If I saw it earlier, maybe I wouldn't have broke down, hmm.
Then Kiahyeen, my PW group leader, asked me to look at the script. I guess she didn't realize I cried. So I walked to a computer further away, then tried to start doing. But as I did my stuff, tears flowed down my face.. But I'm glad no one saw. The lab was quite empty. Everyone had to be celebrating, either that or they were too depressed to do PW. But I beared with it, not like if I'm sad, I can just throw PW aside right.. Then before long we had to return to the classroom cause the teacher wanted to teach us presentation skills. We had to come up with a product to modify and sell. So we discussed. Halfway through discussion, Gaby cried. People rushed up to console her, and I wanted to go over to hug her and tell her that I understood, I understood the pain so much.. But I didn't, of course. She went to the toilet, and then we continued discussion and all. Finally came our turn, walked up to the front, felt so fragile. Lucian smiled at me, I smiled back. Beared with all the pain I was in and just presented our product to the group, like nothing even happened. Yeah then blah blah.. And our group was 'the best', so the teacher said he'd get chocolate for us. Lesson ended, then Kiahyeen told me to go to the library. They left first while I talked to Huixian and Shiqi. We talked about our results, then Shiqi asked me what I would take if I retained. I answered, like I just went on and on cause I was thinking it would probably happen already. Then Huixian suddenly like complained and asked me to stop, cause she was going to cry.. ): And Shiqi and I both laughed, cause she was like crying over nothing. Cindy, who was doing PW at the back of the room, also laughed and asked her, "Aiyo Huixian 你什么事!!". Shiqi tried to offer tissue, then Huixian said she didn't want. So we asked her what was wrong, and she said: "I don't want you to retain..." and ahhhh, that broke my heart. I started crying too, but laughed at the same time cause it was quite.. Funny. But I felt super touched, really. Then Huixian, seeing me cry, cried even harder, and then she decided that "she wanted the tissue after all", haha! We stopped after laughing for a while, then I left to find my group. Ended up they went to the comp lab. Yeah, then did a while, Kiahyeen asked me and Dingyang for our promos results, then I just shook my head. I didn't wanna cry again. So we continued, and we finished. And I left.
Chekwei passed me a whole ton of snacks also, and asked me to take care. My whole bag's full of snacks from people....
When I was outside, and on the verge of tears, I wanted to scream. I wanted to just tell everyone, "I'm in pain, I'm in so much pain, help..."
Yeah, then at home, I got nagged by my mom about the usual stuff.. Like why I hadn't bathed yet, why am I so lazy, etc. And I almost cried.. So I got my clothes, and I went into the bathroom. And I cried, and cried, and cried. Mommy, I wonder, if you knew my pain right now, would you still scold me and shout at me like that? I'm so sorry for disappointing you..
People smsed me to ask me to cheer up, all that. I don't know how to reply, very honestly.. Like, I don't want to lie to myself and you all by telling you that I will fight on, and whatever. Cause I feel so weak. Yet I also don't want all of you to worry about me.. Now, maybe you guys might just want to play with me? Fun is the only way I can forget about things, I guess. I hope..
***
Quoting Liyao. "It's not the retaining, it's the helplessness.":
Yeah.. I failed 4H2s. Even my ELL, like ahh.. I don't know what to do. I'm bound to retain, unless a miracle happens or something. My feelings conflict so much today. Like, I told God that there must be a reason why I did so badly, there must be something that's in store for me, right? And then I try to be strong. But the next moment, I'm crying to Him, asking Him if there's any other way, cause I don't want this, it hurts, it hurts so freaking much.
Honestly, SO WHAT if I have to spend one more year? It's good what, I'll be able to do better for everything. But.. Look, there's so much more to it.
Firstly, I won't be able to face my mom. All I've wanted to do in my life was to make her proud of me and recently, to convince her that I could be responsible for myself, but look what shit I've gotten myself into now? My disappointment in myself is nothing compared to the pain I feel when I imagine my mom being disappointed in me..
Secondly, my friends will all promote, and if I retain.. Will you all still remember me after a while? How long will it take before all that's left is a hi and bye when we walk past each other for the next one year, before all of you leave while I'm still here?
Also, what looks of apprehension am I gonna get from everyone else? Teachers, relatives, peers who have promoted, the new J1s, my secondary school friends, EVERYONE. I don't want to be left behind, no..
Okay, then what about my post of vice-captain? Say bye, if I retain, I'm going to quit floorball right after Adivs.
All these are my own fault.. I didn't work hard enough, I screwed everything up.
God, it hurts. Save me.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Empathy
I feel so much like crying tonight.
Nope, when I'm sad, it doesn't necessarily mean something's up about me. How do I put it?
You know, when you watch movies and shows, you'll usually feel for the people inside right? Like, cry when they break up, be ecstatic when they get together, kinda thing. What more, when it's happening to people around you? Not only one. And not only ordinary friends.
You've been with them every step, first to the last, beginning to the end. Yeah, I said end. And like a sequel to a novel, the shadows of the past are still weaved into the stories of now. Even more unfortunately, the past casts a shadow much bigger than itself, and I can feel all the repercussions now.
Does anyone understand what I am saying, or am I saying nothing at all again?
But anyway, today my heart broke twice. Depression is like the trend now. All I want, Lord, is for all my friends to be happy again. It's as simple as it sounds.
Nope, when I'm sad, it doesn't necessarily mean something's up about me. How do I put it?
You know, when you watch movies and shows, you'll usually feel for the people inside right? Like, cry when they break up, be ecstatic when they get together, kinda thing. What more, when it's happening to people around you? Not only one. And not only ordinary friends.
You've been with them every step, first to the last, beginning to the end. Yeah, I said end. And like a sequel to a novel, the shadows of the past are still weaved into the stories of now. Even more unfortunately, the past casts a shadow much bigger than itself, and I can feel all the repercussions now.
Does anyone understand what I am saying, or am I saying nothing at all again?
But anyway, today my heart broke twice. Depression is like the trend now. All I want, Lord, is for all my friends to be happy again. It's as simple as it sounds.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
.cisuM
I think, I might wanna be a scriptwriter in future. ;) Like something related with film.
Anyway, went out today! For once, I didn't have to meet people to study. Neither did I have to stay home to do PW. Haha being without burdens is a good feeling! Today I went out to slack/chill/lepak talk and play! (: AWESOME MUCH.
Quiz time.
Instructions: You need your MP3 to answer some questions, and nothing for the others.
Your 5 all time favourite songs?
Uh.. 5 not enough. 10 can? HAHA.
1 Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
2 Hero/Heroine - Boys Like Girls
3 Dusk and Summer - Dashboard Confessional
4 6 Months - Hey Monday
5 It Ends Tonight - AAR
6 Here (In Your Arms) - Hello Goodbye
7 收藏 - 萧敬腾
8 Shout Unto God - Hillsong
9 Only One - Yellowcard
10 Best I've Ever Had - Vertical Horizon
A song which you like..
The front? Freedom Is Here - Hillsong
The chorus? Run - Snow Patrol
The end? Uhm I honestly don't know.
A song stuck in your mind nowadays?
Love The Way You Lie - Rihanna ft. Eminem, and Umbrella Beach - Owl City!
A song with special significance to you?
Pictures Of You - The Last Goodnight
What language do you prefer?
For songs? Hmm english.
Favourite singer/band?
Used to be OneRepublic. Now.. Boys Like Girls, Paramore? Yup!
No. of songs in your mp3?
285.
The most played song?
Hahaha no idea leh.
Your newest song?
Quite a few I think.. DJ Got Us Falling In Love - Usher ft. Pitbull.
Preferred genre?
Alternative rock, emo-rock/pop? Hahaha.
Put your music list on shuffle and list the first 5 songs you get.
1 Hallelujah - Paramore
2 Come In With The Rain - Taylor Swift
3 Face Down - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
4 Club Can't Handle Me - Flo Rida ft. David Guetta (I LIKE THIS SONG!!!)
5 We the Redeemed - Hillsong
A song recommended by a friend?
(Chekwei) Don't Want An Ending - Sam Tsui
Lastly, a song you'd recommend?
Any one of those I've mentioned! (:
Anyway, went out today! For once, I didn't have to meet people to study. Neither did I have to stay home to do PW. Haha being without burdens is a good feeling! Today I went out to slack/chill/lepak talk and play! (: AWESOME MUCH.
Quiz time.
Instructions: You need your MP3 to answer some questions, and nothing for the others.
Your 5 all time favourite songs?
Uh.. 5 not enough. 10 can? HAHA.
1 Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
2 Hero/Heroine - Boys Like Girls
3 Dusk and Summer - Dashboard Confessional
4 6 Months - Hey Monday
5 It Ends Tonight - AAR
6 Here (In Your Arms) - Hello Goodbye
7 收藏 - 萧敬腾
8 Shout Unto God - Hillsong
9 Only One - Yellowcard
10 Best I've Ever Had - Vertical Horizon
A song which you like..
The front? Freedom Is Here - Hillsong
The chorus? Run - Snow Patrol
The end? Uhm I honestly don't know.
A song stuck in your mind nowadays?
Love The Way You Lie - Rihanna ft. Eminem, and Umbrella Beach - Owl City!
A song with special significance to you?
Pictures Of You - The Last Goodnight
What language do you prefer?
For songs? Hmm english.
Favourite singer/band?
Used to be OneRepublic. Now.. Boys Like Girls, Paramore? Yup!
No. of songs in your mp3?
285.
The most played song?
Hahaha no idea leh.
Your newest song?
Quite a few I think.. DJ Got Us Falling In Love - Usher ft. Pitbull.
Preferred genre?
Alternative rock, emo-rock/pop? Hahaha.
Put your music list on shuffle and list the first 5 songs you get.
1 Hallelujah - Paramore
2 Come In With The Rain - Taylor Swift
3 Face Down - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
4 Club Can't Handle Me - Flo Rida ft. David Guetta (I LIKE THIS SONG!!!)
5 We the Redeemed - Hillsong
A song recommended by a friend?
(Chekwei) Don't Want An Ending - Sam Tsui
Lastly, a song you'd recommend?
Any one of those I've mentioned! (:
Take heart (:
On this day of your life, Zhiqing, we believe God wants you to know ... that all is well.
What could you not accept, if you but knew that everything that happens, all events, past, present, and to come, are gently planned by One Whose only purpose is your good?
(:
What could you not accept, if you but knew that everything that happens, all events, past, present, and to come, are gently planned by One Whose only purpose is your good?
(:
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Chasing the fireworks.
我能想像 远方的路旁 有一双目光
外套右边肩膀上 还留着 一点伤
有时能爱到过往 回头看 为什麽会退让
或许人们都一样 越受伤 越健忘
追寻烟火的路上 或流浪 或碰撞 还要闯
我能想像 在远方的路旁 会有一双目光
是否一样 都带着昨天的伤 试图想要遗忘
我能想像 对爱情的信仰 注定得忙了又忙
我的眼眶 如果有悲伤 那是我过程中的收藏
手指敲在琴键上 那情绪有点down 喔
人影交错的广场 或悲伤 或失望 却不放
我能想像 在远方的路旁 会有一双目光
是否一样 都带着昨天的伤 试图想要遗忘
我能想像 对爱情的信仰 注定得忙了又忙
我的眼眶 如果有悲伤 那是我过程中的收藏
躺一躺 看月光 在经过那些离散是否一样都坚强
我能想像 在远方的路旁 会有一双目光
是否一样 都带着昨天的伤 试图想要遗忘
我能想像 对爱情的信仰 注定得忙了又忙
我的眼眶 如果有悲伤 那是我过程中的收藏
躺一躺 看月光 在经过那些离散是否一样都坚强
我收藏 我的泪 你的光
外套右边肩膀上 还留着 一点伤
有时能爱到过往 回头看 为什麽会退让
或许人们都一样 越受伤 越健忘
追寻烟火的路上 或流浪 或碰撞 还要闯
我能想像 在远方的路旁 会有一双目光
是否一样 都带着昨天的伤 试图想要遗忘
我能想像 对爱情的信仰 注定得忙了又忙
我的眼眶 如果有悲伤 那是我过程中的收藏
手指敲在琴键上 那情绪有点down 喔
人影交错的广场 或悲伤 或失望 却不放
我能想像 在远方的路旁 会有一双目光
是否一样 都带着昨天的伤 试图想要遗忘
我能想像 对爱情的信仰 注定得忙了又忙
我的眼眶 如果有悲伤 那是我过程中的收藏
躺一躺 看月光 在经过那些离散是否一样都坚强
我能想像 在远方的路旁 会有一双目光
是否一样 都带着昨天的伤 试图想要遗忘
我能想像 对爱情的信仰 注定得忙了又忙
我的眼眶 如果有悲伤 那是我过程中的收藏
躺一躺 看月光 在经过那些离散是否一样都坚强
我收藏 我的泪 你的光
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Maybe we're trying, trying too hard
I was thinking about this a few days ago. Sometimes, in TV shows, there's this typical storyline. There's a loving couple, then suddenly one of them gets into another relationship and cheats on the other. And then he/she gets found out, he/she regrets, and claims how much he/she actually loves the other and it was all just a rash mistake.
It got me thinking, if you honestly love someone, how would you bear to hurt him/her? Yeah, we are all humans.. Maybe I need to understand this. But I just can't. Why do people tend to always think of themselves first? Why can't we be more rational when we need to? I'm not saying that I can be, of course.
And it linked to my family. I thought about how I really believe my second brother loves my mom a lot a lot. But cause of his horrible temper, he always raises his voice at her uncontrollably and, my mom ends up getting hurt. And it happened today morning, cause of me. This was what happened:
Yesterday night, I was really tired so I gave up waiting for my brother to bring the laptop home for me to do PW. I set my alarm to 6am to wake up and do since I assumed he'd be home by then. Then I slept.
Then, I woke up at 6am, and my mom told me, (in chinese) "Your brother's not even home yet, do what do?" and so I was like, "Oh nevermind then." and I went back to sleep. Around a while later, I heard a commotion from the living room, and it was my mom quarrelling with my bro who just reached home. My mom was scolding him about how I couldn't get to do my work cause he didn't come home the whole night. And she complained about how he always stayed out overnight etc etc. The quarrel was getting harsh, and they came into the room.
Before long, it escalated to other things: How his table was so messy, how come we bought the other laptop when we couldn't use it for work, how come he always raised his voice at her, etc etc.
But my bro answered all (albeit in a super loud and fierce tone). To the staying out overnight, this time was because he was celebrating his friend's birthday. And honestly, it was my fault for assuming he would come home and not informing him that I needed the laptop. To the table being messy, it was cause now is his exam period and when he's at home, he's always studying, so he has no time to clear the mess. About the other laptop, me and my bro explained a million times already but she just doesn't understand. The ONLY problem with the comp is that it doesn't have Microsoft Office, and the OTHER functions are all better than the one with MicOffice. We bought the com so that my bro could use the lousier one for his uni studies, and I could use the better one at home for like everything else. But she doesn't understand. And she demanded we buy MicOffice for the better com. The reason why we don't want to, is cause it's expensive, and we both know I only need it like for a couple more weeks for PW. And not like the family's finances are stable. We just want to save money for her.. So my brother, in a fit of anger, replied: (in chinese) "If you're so good, then you go buy la! I will not buy it no matter what!" and that got my mom crying. She said something that pierced my heart so badly, and I guess, this time, it's my bro's fault for saying something so harsh.. "Yes, I am not good at anything, I cannot do anything, you are the most able, you can even talk to me this way!"
And all the way, I could only lie there frozen, unable to say/do anything. I could only cry silently.
Me and my bro love my mom so much, we both know that. But my mom doesn't think we do.. If so, what's the use of us loving her? She never understands our intentions and she never realizes the little things we do for her. We don't tell her cause we think it's only right that we do.
The countless times we've rejected dates and chose to come home to eat with her.
When we take a long detour just to buy nice food for her to eat even though we're so tired ourselves.
When I don't go to church so that I can accompany her at home.
When my brother has to empty his wallet just to cab to his church so he has time to have breakfast with her.
When she takes our hard-saved, hard-earned money without returning and we keep quiet.
- To this, there was once I saved money to go overseas with my friends. And cause of this, I couldn't.. So I told my friends I didn't save money at all. And they went without me, even having a FREAKING good time.
When she scolds us because she's in a bad mood, and we shut up even when we did nothing wrong.
When I always speak to her in a really nice tone when I know there are other people who scream at their parents.
But she doesn't understand the stress we go through, when school and friends are just troubling us so badly, or when we just want to rest, we can't help but raise our voices at whoever talks to us.
I wish she knew, I wish she knew everything. But she doesn't.
Are we still counted as loving her..?
It got me thinking, if you honestly love someone, how would you bear to hurt him/her? Yeah, we are all humans.. Maybe I need to understand this. But I just can't. Why do people tend to always think of themselves first? Why can't we be more rational when we need to? I'm not saying that I can be, of course.
And it linked to my family. I thought about how I really believe my second brother loves my mom a lot a lot. But cause of his horrible temper, he always raises his voice at her uncontrollably and, my mom ends up getting hurt. And it happened today morning, cause of me. This was what happened:
Yesterday night, I was really tired so I gave up waiting for my brother to bring the laptop home for me to do PW. I set my alarm to 6am to wake up and do since I assumed he'd be home by then. Then I slept.
Then, I woke up at 6am, and my mom told me, (in chinese) "Your brother's not even home yet, do what do?" and so I was like, "Oh nevermind then." and I went back to sleep. Around a while later, I heard a commotion from the living room, and it was my mom quarrelling with my bro who just reached home. My mom was scolding him about how I couldn't get to do my work cause he didn't come home the whole night. And she complained about how he always stayed out overnight etc etc. The quarrel was getting harsh, and they came into the room.
Before long, it escalated to other things: How his table was so messy, how come we bought the other laptop when we couldn't use it for work, how come he always raised his voice at her, etc etc.
But my bro answered all (albeit in a super loud and fierce tone). To the staying out overnight, this time was because he was celebrating his friend's birthday. And honestly, it was my fault for assuming he would come home and not informing him that I needed the laptop. To the table being messy, it was cause now is his exam period and when he's at home, he's always studying, so he has no time to clear the mess. About the other laptop, me and my bro explained a million times already but she just doesn't understand. The ONLY problem with the comp is that it doesn't have Microsoft Office, and the OTHER functions are all better than the one with MicOffice. We bought the com so that my bro could use the lousier one for his uni studies, and I could use the better one at home for like everything else. But she doesn't understand. And she demanded we buy MicOffice for the better com. The reason why we don't want to, is cause it's expensive, and we both know I only need it like for a couple more weeks for PW. And not like the family's finances are stable. We just want to save money for her.. So my brother, in a fit of anger, replied: (in chinese) "If you're so good, then you go buy la! I will not buy it no matter what!" and that got my mom crying. She said something that pierced my heart so badly, and I guess, this time, it's my bro's fault for saying something so harsh.. "Yes, I am not good at anything, I cannot do anything, you are the most able, you can even talk to me this way!"
And all the way, I could only lie there frozen, unable to say/do anything. I could only cry silently.
Me and my bro love my mom so much, we both know that. But my mom doesn't think we do.. If so, what's the use of us loving her? She never understands our intentions and she never realizes the little things we do for her. We don't tell her cause we think it's only right that we do.
The countless times we've rejected dates and chose to come home to eat with her.
When we take a long detour just to buy nice food for her to eat even though we're so tired ourselves.
When I don't go to church so that I can accompany her at home.
When my brother has to empty his wallet just to cab to his church so he has time to have breakfast with her.
When she takes our hard-saved, hard-earned money without returning and we keep quiet.
- To this, there was once I saved money to go overseas with my friends. And cause of this, I couldn't.. So I told my friends I didn't save money at all. And they went without me, even having a FREAKING good time.
When she scolds us because she's in a bad mood, and we shut up even when we did nothing wrong.
When I always speak to her in a really nice tone when I know there are other people who scream at their parents.
But she doesn't understand the stress we go through, when school and friends are just troubling us so badly, or when we just want to rest, we can't help but raise our voices at whoever talks to us.
I wish she knew, I wish she knew everything. But she doesn't.
Are we still counted as loving her..?
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Nostalgia
I guess I do cherish memories a lot.
On saturday when I went swimming with my brother, I saw the usual shop that every single public pool has, selling sticks of fishballs, nuggets etc. And I remembered how in primary school, my mom would bring me for swimming lessons every saturday and waiting for me when I came up from the water, would be a stick of those. And my smiling mom.
Just now when I read this litespeed notice, it was posted by someone called Mrs Liang. And I was reminded of this kind and friendly teacher back in AHS, called Mrs Liang. She's a super nice person and she remembers you even if you're not her student. How many JC teachers now are like that? (Oh right, we can't expect them to know when there are hundreds of us in a lecture huh) I miss secondary school. ):
In future, when I look back, I hope I'll have memories worth treasuring and recalling. Not those of friends, but of the school.
On saturday when I went swimming with my brother, I saw the usual shop that every single public pool has, selling sticks of fishballs, nuggets etc. And I remembered how in primary school, my mom would bring me for swimming lessons every saturday and waiting for me when I came up from the water, would be a stick of those. And my smiling mom.
Just now when I read this litespeed notice, it was posted by someone called Mrs Liang. And I was reminded of this kind and friendly teacher back in AHS, called Mrs Liang. She's a super nice person and she remembers you even if you're not her student. How many JC teachers now are like that? (Oh right, we can't expect them to know when there are hundreds of us in a lecture huh) I miss secondary school. ):
In future, when I look back, I hope I'll have memories worth treasuring and recalling. Not those of friends, but of the school.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Judgmental
I don't know.
I'm lost.
I don't know why my mom is broke.
When she just struck 4D (again).
I don't know why my mom had to borrow $20 from me.
She lost everything?
I don't know why my brother doesn't even have $100 to lend to my mom.
And my sis-in-law's facebook says she's still blogshopping.
I don't know why I'm stuck in so many predicaments.
When I didn't do anything.
I don't know why my friends are unhappy.
And they don't wanna tell me.
I don't know why I'm unhappy.
When nothing, nothing at all, started with me.
I'm lost.
I don't know why my mom is broke.
When she just struck 4D (again).
I don't know why my mom had to borrow $20 from me.
She lost everything?
I don't know why my brother doesn't even have $100 to lend to my mom.
And my sis-in-law's facebook says she's still blogshopping.
I don't know why I'm stuck in so many predicaments.
When I didn't do anything.
I don't know why my friends are unhappy.
And they don't wanna tell me.
I don't know why I'm unhappy.
When nothing, nothing at all, started with me.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Thought for another day
I think I seriously can't face up to my conscience. Why do I keep torturing myself? I feel horrible when I'm trying to accomodate to everyone, and yet when I just try to desensitize myself, I feel too guilty.
I'm totally beyond cure.
Oh, right. I suddenly remembered what I thought before going to JC:
"I'm not going to get any close friends, no. I will just stay in my own world and be happy. I'll just focus on my own dreams and travel my journey alone. If I don't get any friends, I won't hurt anyone, and I'll stay unhurt. Everyone will be happier this way.."
I can't believe I forgot this. I feel like such a bitch nowadays.
我总是觉得我对不起自己的朋友。到底，这正不正常?
Everybody has issues. I guess I'm no different.
I'm totally beyond cure.
Oh, right. I suddenly remembered what I thought before going to JC:
"I'm not going to get any close friends, no. I will just stay in my own world and be happy. I'll just focus on my own dreams and travel my journey alone. If I don't get any friends, I won't hurt anyone, and I'll stay unhurt. Everyone will be happier this way.."
I can't believe I forgot this. I feel like such a bitch nowadays.
我总是觉得我对不起自己的朋友。到底，这正不正常?
Everybody has issues. I guess I'm no different.
Hmm
Facebook app:
On this day of your life, Zhiqing, we believe God wants you to know ... that it's time you let go.
Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest.
On this day of your life, Zhiqing, we believe God wants you to know ... that it's time you let go.
Yes, of course, you want to control so everything happens in just the way you want it. But at the end of the day, we control nothing, - it's all in God's hands, - has always been, and will always be. So, do what you can, and then let go, and let God handle the rest.
Love isn't a short-risk investment
Promos are finally overrr! Hmm, but I'm not sure cause of what reason, but I feel lost. Maybe right now, I just feel like I don't have any direction, and I don't like slacking around just waiting for time to pass. Argh, sucks.
Anyway, to do list!
[x] play bowling
[x] sing kbox
[x] watch koizora
[x] play floorball
[ ] play badminton
[ ] finish whale rider and return to vivien haha
[x] go swimming
[ ] fly kite
[ ] ice-skating
[ ] run with no end in mind
[ ] help the less fortunate
[ ] go shopping
[ ] watch movie
[ ] go cycling
[ ] go overseas
[ ] play bishi bashi
[ ] go back AHS and play softball
[ ] buy a new backpack
[ ] go church!
[ ] read Bible
And one last one, an impt one, that can never be finished: Catching up with friends!
Hahaha but. I still think I'll feel lost. What is this.
Anyway, to do list!
[x] play bowling
[x] sing kbox
[x] watch koizora
[x] play floorball
[ ] play badminton
[ ] finish whale rider and return to vivien haha
[x] go swimming
[ ] fly kite
[ ] ice-skating
[ ] run with no end in mind
[ ] help the less fortunate
[ ] go shopping
[ ] watch movie
[ ] go cycling
[ ] go overseas
[ ] play bishi bashi
[ ] go back AHS and play softball
[ ] buy a new backpack
[ ] go church!
[ ] read Bible
And one last one, an impt one, that can never be finished: Catching up with friends!
Hahaha but. I still think I'll feel lost. What is this.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Stigma
Sunday night:
I was blow-drying my hair today. My mom offers to do it for me, so I let her. She just arrived back in Singapore in the afternoon, and she's tired. She patiently does it layer by layer, cause she understands how frustrated I get by those random strands which stick up. But me, I watch the minute hand of the clock on the wall pass the 45 mark. Then 50. 55. 0. I panic. Tomorrow's the start of my promotional examinations, and I have to go study. I NEED to study. Finally I say, "不用那么直的啦!" Then she explains with a gentle tone, "没有,这样弄才可以--" and before she can even finish her sentence she's interrupted: "我已经没有时间了!", I blurt out rashly. Silence. Tense and awkward atmosphere. The guilt creeps into me. My mom's not young anymore, how much more time does she even have? And she's willing to spend it doing MY hair for me. And me? I have a long journey ahead and plenty of time, but this time is reserved for friends, CCA, and now studies. And I start wondering, ....even if one day I excel in my studies, or be it in life, will she still be there to see it?
Most importantly, will I be filled with regrets, if she isn't.
//Kk end of that post. Hahaha. Had GP paper yesterday, econs CS today. Won't talk about them cause I don't wanna wallow over previous mistakes alrd. Yay! Chem 2, math, ELL, chem 1 and econs essay left. Hope is still around, waiting for me to GRAB it. I shall go sleep now, I needa fight my battle tomorrow! (Victory has already been promised and confirmed but stilll, fighting with faith gives it an extra something ;ppp) Yup, I shall stay rooted in God so that winds and typhoons and tornadoes and tsunamis and volcanic eruptions are unable to move me and all just become peanuts and easy-peasy....... Wait, what are those again? Haha too insignificant to remember alrd. Tsk. Goodnight! One more week. ((:
I was blow-drying my hair today. My mom offers to do it for me, so I let her. She just arrived back in Singapore in the afternoon, and she's tired. She patiently does it layer by layer, cause she understands how frustrated I get by those random strands which stick up. But me, I watch the minute hand of the clock on the wall pass the 45 mark. Then 50. 55. 0. I panic. Tomorrow's the start of my promotional examinations, and I have to go study. I NEED to study. Finally I say, "不用那么直的啦!" Then she explains with a gentle tone, "没有,这样弄才可以--" and before she can even finish her sentence she's interrupted: "我已经没有时间了!", I blurt out rashly. Silence. Tense and awkward atmosphere. The guilt creeps into me. My mom's not young anymore, how much more time does she even have? And she's willing to spend it doing MY hair for me. And me? I have a long journey ahead and plenty of time, but this time is reserved for friends, CCA, and now studies. And I start wondering, ....even if one day I excel in my studies, or be it in life, will she still be there to see it?
Most importantly, will I be filled with regrets, if she isn't.
//Kk end of that post. Hahaha. Had GP paper yesterday, econs CS today. Won't talk about them cause I don't wanna wallow over previous mistakes alrd. Yay! Chem 2, math, ELL, chem 1 and econs essay left. Hope is still around, waiting for me to GRAB it. I shall go sleep now, I needa fight my battle tomorrow! (Victory has already been promised and confirmed but stilll, fighting with faith gives it an extra something ;ppp) Yup, I shall stay rooted in God so that winds and typhoons and tornadoes and tsunamis and volcanic eruptions are unable to move me and all just become peanuts and easy-peasy....... Wait, what are those again? Haha too insignificant to remember alrd. Tsk. Goodnight! One more week. ((:
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Love the way you lie
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight
High off her love, drunk from my hate, it's like I'm huffin' paint
And I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates me, she fuckin' hates me
And I love it, "wait, where you goin'?"
"I'm leavin' you," "no you ain't come back"
We're runnin' right back, here we go again
So insane, cause when it's goin' good it's goin' great
I'm Superman with the wind in his back, she's Lois Lane
But when it's bad it's awful, I feel so ashamed I snap
Whose that dude? I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength
[Chorus]
You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
When you with em you meet and neither one of you even know what hit em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills used to get em
Now you're getting fuckin' sick of lookin' at em
You swore you'd never hit em, never do nothin' to hurt em
Now you're in each other's face spewin' venom in your words when you spit em
You push pull each other's hair
Scratch pop hit em throw em down pin em
So lost in the moments when you're in em
It's the face that's the culprit, controls you both
So they say it's best to go your seperate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records playin' over
But you promised her next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game, but you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane
[Chorus]
Now I know we said things, did things, that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is, you're the same as me
When it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby please come back, it wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up the bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk?
Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time there won't be no next time
I apologize even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games I just want her back
I know I'm a liar if she ever tries to fuckin' leave again
I'ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
/ Just can't get this song outta my head.
Well that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I can't tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now it's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight
High off her love, drunk from my hate, it's like I'm huffin' paint
And I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates me, she fuckin' hates me
And I love it, "wait, where you goin'?"
"I'm leavin' you," "no you ain't come back"
We're runnin' right back, here we go again
So insane, cause when it's goin' good it's goin' great
I'm Superman with the wind in his back, she's Lois Lane
But when it's bad it's awful, I feel so ashamed I snap
Whose that dude? I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength
[Chorus]
You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
When you with em you meet and neither one of you even know what hit em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills used to get em
Now you're getting fuckin' sick of lookin' at em
You swore you'd never hit em, never do nothin' to hurt em
Now you're in each other's face spewin' venom in your words when you spit em
You push pull each other's hair
Scratch pop hit em throw em down pin em
So lost in the moments when you're in em
It's the face that's the culprit, controls you both
So they say it's best to go your seperate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records playin' over
But you promised her next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game, but you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane
[Chorus]
Now I know we said things, did things, that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is, you're the same as me
When it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby please come back, it wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up the bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk?
Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time there won't be no next time
I apologize even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games I just want her back
I know I'm a liar if she ever tries to fuckin' leave again
I'ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
/ Just can't get this song outta my head.
Sama-sama!
1 day left to promos! I just spent 2 hours playing pre-loaded computer games (the lame kind) with my bro, and I didn't study at all. But nevermind, tomorrow chiong! Haha, but the games were seriously a joke. We played Chicken Invaders, Smileyland and Piggly. HAHA ALL SOUND FREAKING LAME RIGHT.
Okay first we played Chicken Invaders! The description was: Save the world from chickens! And then the Start menu, I couldn't find the Play option so I lagged by one second, and then my bro said: "Save the world". Laugh out loud! The options were like:
Okay first we played Chicken Invaders! The description was: Save the world from chickens! And then the Start menu, I couldn't find the Play option so I lagged by one second, and then my bro said: "Save the world". Laugh out loud! The options were like:
SAVE THE WORLD
HIGH SCORES
SETTINGS
QUIT
Cannot blame me lah! Tsk, ok then Smileyland was something like the Bejeweled kind of games. As for Piggly, it was the best lol! We played this the longest. You play as a pig, which tries to collect and bring apples back home for your little pigs. The game developers are like quite meticulous about the details, I have to say! For example, at a part of the game, the scenery had a rainbow. Scenery as in like yknow, in the case of Maplestory, would be the trees and bushes and sometimes 'contactable' ones like the crates and treeholes? Yup! In the game there was a rainbow leading to the ground AND THEN, there was a pot of gold. COOL LA! (In case you don't know why I'm so amused it's cause we always say 'the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow') My bro didn't even notice its existence till I told him! It's like purely there for decoration, so I was pretty impressed and intrigued. Another thing was, remember the pig had little pigs? Haha there were THREE! (note: Three Little Pigs, get it?) Freakingggg cute game! Oh in one stage there were hedgehogs, and one funny thing we laughed our heads over was that if you rolled your apples at the hedgehogs (we weren't supposed to, but we decided to experiment), it would get stuck on it. So we rolled like ten apples at them and still, they got stuck. So we saw like, hedgehog-apple-trees running around. Cute ttm! And of course many other things happened but I just don't remember. (:
As for yesterday (or rather, two days ago), it was Children's Day! Hehehe Happy belated Children's Day everyone :D My Children's Day present from God was a 'newfound' friend. HAHA okay lah not new, but NEWFOUND cause we truly understood and found out about each other for the first time. And that's Vivienlimjingni! (: There's so much between us that is in common and I'm really surprised (pleasantly surprised HAHA) that things can be sososo similar. I guess that explains why we're of the same frequency very often too! Hmm, in future, we may also discover many differences, but hey you, you Chia neopet cum Pokemon, let's still remember the similarities we share (which I honestly think we won't find anyone else MORE similar alrd) and that 'Communication is important' HAHA! Anything can be talked out in future, don't you forget this okay! I anticipate that there's a lot more to come for us, may be good, may be bad. Stay close, my twin in fate! Make it through promos together, we will. (: Love you loadssss! Jiayou too (:
This must be the first happy post on this blog, amazing. (:
God is good (Y) Goodnight world!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Clairvoyant
Hello hello hello I need a break from studying, so I'm here now. Hahaha. (:
Feeling better from yesterday, sleeping really does the trick. Cause like I said on my twitter, when I wake up, it's a brand new day again, and I feel heartened. On top of that, I decided that I should stop fretting. My rationale:
We all make right and wrong decisions in life. What matters the most is that at the moment of decision, you honestly felt that you would still be able to face up to your conscience and also to God, so that you wouldn't regret anything.
Hahaha I'm a philosophical freak I swear. Well, who knows what would happen in the future, so it's not your fault if things crop up eventually. I'm no clairvoyant. Oh yeah, another thing. I kinda realize that my blog is realllly torturous to read, as compared to many others. All the emotional pourouts. But not that I care, cause it's MY blog and it's up to me what to write about. I don't mind if no one reads it, cause it's not like people don't like talking to me in real life. Tsk! My blog's like my diary so I'll post whatever I want.
Hahaha, back to studying soon. Considering giving up on chem. Just a thought though. We'll see how things go. (: Jiayou for promos, everyone!
Feeling better from yesterday, sleeping really does the trick. Cause like I said on my twitter, when I wake up, it's a brand new day again, and I feel heartened. On top of that, I decided that I should stop fretting. My rationale:
We all make right and wrong decisions in life. What matters the most is that at the moment of decision, you honestly felt that you would still be able to face up to your conscience and also to God, so that you wouldn't regret anything.
Hahaha I'm a philosophical freak I swear. Well, who knows what would happen in the future, so it's not your fault if things crop up eventually. I'm no clairvoyant. Oh yeah, another thing. I kinda realize that my blog is realllly torturous to read, as compared to many others. All the emotional pourouts. But not that I care, cause it's MY blog and it's up to me what to write about. I don't mind if no one reads it, cause it's not like people don't like talking to me in real life. Tsk! My blog's like my diary so I'll post whatever I want.
Hahaha, back to studying soon. Considering giving up on chem. Just a thought though. We'll see how things go. (: Jiayou for promos, everyone!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Hopeless & helpless, Weaknesses & grievances
Facades. Fake. Complicated. Selfishness. All screwed up. And you can put the blame on me.
God, I'm following what you tell me about doing what's good and right, without expecting any returns. Maybe I didn't even expect negative returns either, that's why I'm destroying me myself I body mind soul spirit all in my own bare hands now.
I will blame it all on me.
God, I'm following what you tell me about doing what's good and right, without expecting any returns. Maybe I didn't even expect negative returns either, that's why I'm destroying me myself I body mind soul spirit all in my own bare hands now.
I will blame it all on me.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Sympathy/empathy
Reading Twitter and blogs alone (note: I didn't even look at Facebook), I saw a whole bunch of people who're all screwed up already. Why is JC such an asshole, seriously. People are pulling their hair out over promos, and PW has to multiply that burden. And then there's the stress on you from parents and even everyone around you to do well, the pool of expectations we all drown in.
Argh. I'm so glad my EoM and WR are settled. But my promos.... I've wasted the past 4 days. 11 days left.. How much less disciplined can I get.. )':
Summary of the past few days:
Useful stuff I've done:
A little of every subject maybe
Useless stuff I've done:
Sleep
Watch tv
Sms
Tweet
Youtube
Bloghop
Fold stuff
... countless
I'm always procrastinating, distracted, and forever unable to finish my work, what the hell is wrong with me. Where did my sense of self-discipline go?
Oh, wait.
It was never there.
Argh. I'm so glad my EoM and WR are settled. But my promos.... I've wasted the past 4 days. 11 days left.. How much less disciplined can I get.. )':
Summary of the past few days:
Useful stuff I've done:
A little of every subject maybe
Useless stuff I've done:
Sleep
Watch tv
Sms
Tweet
Youtube
Bloghop
Fold stuff
... countless
I'm always procrastinating, distracted, and forever unable to finish my work, what the hell is wrong with me. Where did my sense of self-discipline go?
Oh, wait.
It was never there.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Release
It's good to talk to someone and just let it all out, cause holding back isn't healthy. Fly stress, fly!
Torn, dejection.
I'm just a regular teenager. I have my problems. In school, I'm already struggling to keep myself from breaking down, and when I reach home, all you do is find every tiny reason to scream at me. Which child doesn't yearn to be loved? You think that you're the only person breaking under the stress but have you realized I haved equally tough issues to face? Meeting up to expectations alone, is a heavy burden. How many nights has it been that my heavy eyelids have just ended up being a migraine, a pounding on my head? I don't mean to neglect you but I'm just working hard so that I don't please you now and end up disappointing you later.
//edit
Too overwhelmed by stress. Sorry mommy. ): I'll be good. You won't see this, but. I hope I can keep buying tauhuay for you every night, all the way till I'm an adult.
//edit
Too overwhelmed by stress. Sorry mommy. ): I'll be good. You won't see this, but. I hope I can keep buying tauhuay for you every night, all the way till I'm an adult.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Screwed up
They always said to let go of the past and move on. But today I realised:
I let go of everything in the past, the bad parts, and even the good parts.
My friends.
I let go of everything in the past, the bad parts, and even the good parts.
My friends.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Pride of a nation
HAPPY NATIONAL DAY! (: I feel proud to be Singaporean, honestly. Idk why I keep having that sudden urge to cry while watching different parts of the NDP. Hmm, patriotic much? But hahaha super awesome, I can see fireworks from my window since it's at the Padang! Yayayay! Singapore <3
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Surely you've loved before
Just recovered from stomach flu, sucks.
But okay, today I suddenly discovered this odd feeling I've never felt before. It's that feeling you get when.... You move on, look back, and find that everyone else has also departed for a new future. But it's kind of a good feeling. Especially when you see that everyone found a new and better future of their own. (:
In simple words, I just feel happy that my old friends look happy, maybe happier in their new environments. Life seems prettier when you think of things this way.
But okay, today I suddenly discovered this odd feeling I've never felt before. It's that feeling you get when.... You move on, look back, and find that everyone else has also departed for a new future. But it's kind of a good feeling. Especially when you see that everyone found a new and better future of their own. (:
In simple words, I just feel happy that my old friends look happy, maybe happier in their new environments. Life seems prettier when you think of things this way.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I think you never knew.
"Just cause I look so cheerful, doesn't necessarily mean I am."
Yeah. How many realize when all the smiles and laughter I'm putting on is just a facade? ): It's painful to watch me do this to myself, yet I can't bring myself to look so unhappy everyday, cause I think my life probably sucks just as much as everybody else's.
While everyone saw the smile on my face, no one could see the pain in my eyes. I'm only human, I need concern too. But if that means outrightly showing everyone that I'm upset, then. I'd rather not. But it hurts.
I feel like I'm pouring out, but not receiving. Okay, I do admit, I receive lots of love, but even with these people who love me no one knows what I really feel deep inside. And I don't know, I really question myself, when I'm willing to give my all to my friends (maybe just the closer ones), how many are going to be willing to return back the same? Give without expecting any return? I'm human, I'm human, I'M JUST AN ORDINARY HUMAN I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT, I'M SORRY. I'm sorry.
I wonder when my breaking point is gonna come. Soon, I think.
Yeah. How many realize when all the smiles and laughter I'm putting on is just a facade? ): It's painful to watch me do this to myself, yet I can't bring myself to look so unhappy everyday, cause I think my life probably sucks just as much as everybody else's.
While everyone saw the smile on my face, no one could see the pain in my eyes. I'm only human, I need concern too. But if that means outrightly showing everyone that I'm upset, then. I'd rather not. But it hurts.
I feel like I'm pouring out, but not receiving. Okay, I do admit, I receive lots of love, but even with these people who love me no one knows what I really feel deep inside. And I don't know, I really question myself, when I'm willing to give my all to my friends (maybe just the closer ones), how many are going to be willing to return back the same? Give without expecting any return? I'm human, I'm human, I'M JUST AN ORDINARY HUMAN I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THAT, I'M SORRY. I'm sorry.
I wonder when my breaking point is gonna come. Soon, I think.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Never-ending
I.am.so.screwed.
Stuff to do BY TOMORROW:
Taiwan proj
Chem file
Chem tutorial
Study for econs test
Study for chinese test
Finish ELL research
Stuff DONE:
None
Hello disaster.
Stuff to do BY TOMORROW:
Taiwan proj
Chem file
Chem tutorial
Study for econs test
Study for chinese test
Finish ELL research
Stuff DONE:
None
Hello disaster.
What to say, what not to say
Happiness lives for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have tried and those who have searched. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear. Remember that whatever happens, it happens for a reason.. Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be. Because you only gain one life and one chance to do all the things that you desire.If only it was as easy as that. Actions speak louder than words, and so what if I can agree with that, but I can't carry it out? Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, be what you want to be. I wish.
Just how many people know when I'm hurting like shit inside yet I seem alright on the surface? Didn't we learn not to judge a book by it's cover? They're all just words, I guess.
While going through stuff I wrote last time, I found this entry:
"I feel so tired be it in my body, my mind, my spirit, or my heart. It's as if I would just fall without tripping, lose without fighting, and crash into a million pieces without moving. The contrast between days that were happy and those that are not is so drastic. People die, but I'll survive. And seek for another chance.. For there God is with me, as He has always been."
But I can't feel Him now. I can't.. I'm all alone now. Fending for myself cause I walked away from Him. He never left, I did. I used to think I've finally found the commitment to stick to something and never let go of it. Foolish, I was. I'm drifting away from my religion now, isn't it?
All I can do now is ask. Ask questions I'm never getting answers to. Why do we have to live up to expectations? Can't we be free? Ask Zhiqing, ask. Ask somemore. You'll never find the answers. I really don't like all the stress that's piling up on me. Stress on me to do well for my exams. Stress on me to be a good vice-captain. Stress on me to be a good player. Stress on me to always have a good temper. Stress on me to be a filial daughter. Stress on me to be a good friend. Not that I don't want to be all these, but.. The question, again, is whether I can be all these. If I choose to escape from everything, I'd quit school, quit floorball, run away from my family and friends, run away to a place where no one knows me. But thing is, I can't. One of the main sources of pressure is myself. I would never let myself go.
Why is life like that, why?
There is never the perfect life, right?
I guess I know the answer to the last question very well..
/Edit.
Hah. All the previous posts about fighting on. I'm just a loser in the end.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Something more.
Had listening comprehension today! Was pretty hard and everyone seemed pretty demoralized. But I kinda learnt from it, I think. The passages had quite some meaning to them and I couldn't help but let my thoughts drift away just now.
But anyway, there was a passage on this guy who didn't back out from a race even though he knew he was gonna lose. The meaning behind the passage was to face up to challenges (even though it might mean fighting a losing battle), so that at least you find out how far you are from success. If you don't fail first, and see how much more you need to go, then how will you ever reach your goal?
So true. We always back out like cowards, alllll the time. All I know is to escape. I guess I need to start being brave..
Then there was the first passage about this man who went to America for the first time, and didn't know how dining in a buffet restaurant worked. So after he got enlightened, he concluded that actually, life's like a buffet - As long as you have money to pay for it, you can just stand up and go get all the food you want. It kinda means that as long as you're willing to put in the effort, all you have to do is take the first step and reach out toward your goals, and that's all it takes. Doubly true.
Lastly, it was about a few pots of flowers, of which some were fake while some were real. The fakes were pretty ttm, while the genuine ones showed signs of exposure to sunlight and weather. However, the person found the real ones nicer and more likeable. The passage was saying that, without facing hardships and all, how will you polish a unique and beautiful personality out of yourself? However, if you're sheltered and spoilt, you may seem nice at times but all that might just end up being a facade. Like they're all arranged and fake, just like the fake flowers. So hardships/setbacks etc are actually part and parcel of the life that leads you to become a beautiful you. So let's just fight on! :D
Breathtaken. (:
A day of manyyyy realizations, I gotta admit. LC wasn't a waste of time after all.
But anyway, there was a passage on this guy who didn't back out from a race even though he knew he was gonna lose. The meaning behind the passage was to face up to challenges (even though it might mean fighting a losing battle), so that at least you find out how far you are from success. If you don't fail first, and see how much more you need to go, then how will you ever reach your goal?
So true. We always back out like cowards, alllll the time. All I know is to escape. I guess I need to start being brave..
Then there was the first passage about this man who went to America for the first time, and didn't know how dining in a buffet restaurant worked. So after he got enlightened, he concluded that actually, life's like a buffet - As long as you have money to pay for it, you can just stand up and go get all the food you want. It kinda means that as long as you're willing to put in the effort, all you have to do is take the first step and reach out toward your goals, and that's all it takes. Doubly true.
Lastly, it was about a few pots of flowers, of which some were fake while some were real. The fakes were pretty ttm, while the genuine ones showed signs of exposure to sunlight and weather. However, the person found the real ones nicer and more likeable. The passage was saying that, without facing hardships and all, how will you polish a unique and beautiful personality out of yourself? However, if you're sheltered and spoilt, you may seem nice at times but all that might just end up being a facade. Like they're all arranged and fake, just like the fake flowers. So hardships/setbacks etc are actually part and parcel of the life that leads you to become a beautiful you. So let's just fight on! :D
Breathtaken. (:
A day of manyyyy realizations, I gotta admit. LC wasn't a waste of time after all.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Two extreme ends of the emotion meter
HELLO WORLD! Hahaha feeling better already. All thanks to Shiqi who really enlightened me, EH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! :D What she said is really true. Maybe it wasn't regarding the 'forgetting the past' thingy, but she made me feel better about everything else.
True, I shouldn't always bottle up my thoughts and emotions, if I just learn to tell them to my closest friends, it'd be a mutual kinda of thing instead of me always listening and taking in, but never letting out. "Give and take", truetrueeee. Thanks Shiqi! <3
Anyway, I'm glad to see the people around me cheering up already. Life isn't so bad after all.
I feel happy.
Off to homework! Mustn't let down dearest Shiqi who reminded me to do work, and alsoooooo Diondra emobud cause we promised to buck up and now we have this promise to listen in lects and tutorials <3
Yeah. Life's good.
True, I shouldn't always bottle up my thoughts and emotions, if I just learn to tell them to my closest friends, it'd be a mutual kinda of thing instead of me always listening and taking in, but never letting out. "Give and take", truetrueeee. Thanks Shiqi! <3
Anyway, I'm glad to see the people around me cheering up already. Life isn't so bad after all.
I feel happy.
Off to homework! Mustn't let down dearest Shiqi who reminded me to do work, and alsoooooo Diondra emobud cause we promised to buck up and now we have this promise to listen in lects and tutorials <3
Yeah. Life's good.
A look into the past
Perhaps it's the weather, but I've been feeling pretty down today. Idk, maybe it's also the things I've been thinking about. I really really wonder, how many people have a past which they don't wanna remember? Or maybe I can also ask, how many people have a past they wanna hold on to soo badly?
For me, I have one which I once held on to tightly, and I didn't want to move on then. But now, I would do anything (anything at all) to remove these same memories from my mind. I guess it's cause people change, and I'm just one of them.
I don't know man. My heart hurt a little just now, but I'll survive.
For me, I have one which I once held on to tightly, and I didn't want to move on then. But now, I would do anything (anything at all) to remove these same memories from my mind. I guess it's cause people change, and I'm just one of them.
I don't know man. My heart hurt a little just now, but I'll survive.
Moved and removed.
New blog, been thinking wayyyy to much lately. Alert: This is gonna be my outlet for my thoughts and emotions.
Previous blog's still there, but not gonna be posting there anymore. So yup.
Previous blog's still there, but not gonna be posting there anymore. So yup.
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