Society

Okay, typing this post after a horribad day at work. Yeah, horribly bad. Goodness. To be honest it's not that bad from a bystander's point of view, but from my eyes, it was.

Firstly I went to work thinking that my shift today was 3-9PM. I was pretty excited about rushing home to catch today's Gayo Daejun (it's a concert each of the three Korean major channels organize every end of year, on the 29th, 30th and 31st.) but ended up, my shift was 3-11PM. Which meant that I'd miss it. So I thought, okay, nevermind, and I started working. I have this manager who's pretty nice, although people have already badmouthed her to me already but she hasn't personally offended me so I'm not gonna be biased; she took early leave today (AND tomorrow omg) so there's some other branch's manager attached here. Firstly, her operation methods are different, so there were some things she asked me to do which left me baffled. And then she was telling me that she didn't hear me greet (ok, the other manager tells me this too, but wtf I only need to let the customers hear right! Not as if I'm greeting them. Do I need to shout into the customers' faces so they can hear me?! o___o) and being accused wrongly I insisted, "No, I said welcome to the customer!" and IDK what is so cute about me being insistent/rebuttive/whatever but she laughed and she lightly pinched my chin. You know how people hold little kids'/their lover's chins and then go "Awwww"?? Yes she did that. And OHMYGAD it's so gross!!!! I barely even know her, please?!?!?! Seriously if my friends did that I would probably have a minor reaction like waaahgh but for a stranger like today, my impression of the person goes into the drain.

So after that everything was pretty okay, until this group came into the boutique. There were three Chinese: two women one man, and three 20 give-take a little year old Vietnamese/Filipino/Indonesian girls. From what I could hear them converse about, they seemed to be foreign workers and I presume one woman was trying to handle their operations/whatever with the couple. She called me to take their orders and I wrote whatever she pointed to, and she wanted a Litchi-something so I asked, "Litchi Tea Freeze?" and she went "Yayaya," and she said she wanted two lychees and less sweet. And her Seafood Aglio Olio she wanted more spicy. Okay, so these together with the other orders I took, and I went to key them in.

Passing by the barista (who was the manager), I told her about the requests and then she said, "But Litchi Tea Freeze has no lychees", and I was like, really? So I went to ask the lady about it. She gave me a look and she said, the drink I usually have has lychees! She asked me what drink I ordered for her, so I flipped to the Tea Freeze page and showed her. She said, "No, I don't want this. I want Lychee Jazz.". I went back to the counter and I told my manager, and she said, "No, tell her cannot, I blended it already." I went to the woman and told her, and she said, "No I don't want that. I want Lychee Jazz." so I went back to tell the manager, and the manager was pissed off. I reminded her about the less sweet and two lychees, and she replied, "Don't want give.". Lol like ...what? Idk man, just so you know, making a wrong drink is no big deal and we usually just drink it ourselves under the reason of food testing. It's a legit reason; for the waiters/waitresses to know how the drink tastes like so we can better introduce them to the customers. And she looked so pissed? Zzzz and after that I went to serve other customers.

Who knows, suddenly the manager called me and told me the woman said she didn't order a certain drink. It was some Strawberry Mocha Blend I remember. I served it to the woman, and she looked at me angrily and said (in Chinese), "No I didn't order this! How do you take orders? You anyhow write and anyhow give an order to me?" So, I apologized (and you know what the best part is? The General Manager (super high post) was also in the boutique....) and told the manager that she insisted that she didn't order. So alright, I thought that was bad enough.

After a while, all of a sudden the woman comes up to me (who was at the counter) and the manager, and asks where is the soup and pizza. The thing is, she didn't order them from me!!!! Wtf wtf wtf. So I said, "I didn't take any orders for soup and pizza," and she replied (in Chinese again. I shall type it out...) “我明明有order，你们是怎样take orders的？如果她不会你就找会的人，为什么把我的order这样乱乱点！” all in a damn bitchy and accusing tone. What I find funny on afterthought is that my manager is a Filipino so she probably doesn't understand a single shit she's saying. Lmao. So my manager replied her and told her that we would serve the soup and pizza in five minutes. She replied, "I want the soup NOW.", and my manager was like "Okay." and we all went about with our own stuff. I felt so sorry at that point of time that I wanted to cry, because I felt wronged, troublesome, and scared (since the GM was there) all at the same time. I went on with waitressing, and everytime I had to tend to their table (clear plates, serve drinks, refill water etc.) the woman would either roll her eyes at me or scold me some more. Argh.

Finally, when they were settling the bill, the woman nagged at me, “你是怎样？做事人在心不在！以后出来做工时你怎么办？”, so I gave an apologetic smile and said sorry again. I felt miserable.

One good thing was that the GM didn't say anything about it, though I do think she noticed the commotion. All in all, it brought me to reflect and realize that the more people you meet, the more types of people you discover. TBH I feel pretty unexposed to the higher-class people because of my own social standing, and through this job I meet them every day (tcc is a boutique lol, because it's high-class ._.). It has opened my eyes, especially today. I don't hate the woman that much; it was a severe case of miscommunication and all the wrong circumstances happening at the wrong time. But I feel like if I take her advice (aka naggings/scoldings) the objective way, it'll help me. And I should put my ill feelings behind.

Lol. I don't know how well I need to perform to get the Outstanding Staff Award, but I'll try. And when I get it, I'll think back to this day and laugh.

Luxemborg

Okay so, I'm blogging because I'm taking a break from writing LOL. The irony, right? That I'm taking a break from writing by writing....okay, whatever.

Just in case you're thinking what I'm writing, hmm, I don't think you'll ever find out because I'm not gonna disclose it personally, hahaha. The wonders of Internet anonymity /smirks

Alright, so. Random.

I think it's a blessing in disguise that I share a room with my mom and bro. Being the loner I am, if I had a room to myself, I'd probably coop myself up all day and end up being a severe introvert. But instead, now I'm forced (okay, forced is too strong a word...) to interact with my family because I don't have any private space. Which is good. Oh, the more important thing is, it means family time, even if it's half-hearted at times.

Also, I'm gonna work next week! At TCC. Idk which branch I'm posted to yet. Also, with afterthought, I'm finding the pay a bit low.. $6.30/hr. Man, 7hrs/day and 5days/week wouldn't even add up to a four digit salary in a month. Which sucks. So, I googled some other jobs and I sent in my resume to a few tuition centres lmao. I can teach Eng and Chi concurrently, okay! That's something to be demanded ...I hope.

Okay I shall go now, adios!
Abrupt, I know. That's just me. n_n

Entranced

Okay wow, I haven't blogged for almost 3 weeks! Oh well. It's been a period of ups and downs.

For one, A's ended!!! Tbh I didn't feel much from it. Tbvh I didn't work my hardest for these exams. But, as I've told some, this is me and I'm pretty sure nothing would change even if I repeated the year, because it's not something I seek to achieve in. Well, I still feel less burdened of course, though. In exchange for the burden which was lifted, now I feel this need to be productive. To earn money in order to be self-sustainable, to write, to make up for moments I've let go or lost because of walling myself in the past months.

But, I feel empty. I don't know why. I feel alienated, I think. I've become much more emotionless after this period, people are beginning to baffle me. Why? Why let feelings control you, why let them screw you over? Maybe I need to clarify something; I'm not entirely emotionless, but (negative)emotion-less. I still laugh and get excited and all, but on the other end, I'm just empty. That's what I'm feeling right now, because there isn't anything spurring my positive emotions now. I'm just stagnant, baffled, forehead creased and frowning from this lack of negativity. Lol, should be a good thing, right? Rationally I'm happy, but I can't help but wonder if it's normal.

Then again, I realize there are some scary things I'm feeling.. Impatience, jealousy, inacceptance, contempt. It's really weird, lol. I'm becoming damn eccentric.

Okay anyway, lots of things went on these three weeks!

- Prom. It was freaking boring. Thankfully, post prom was alright because we (Calise Cindy Huixian Shiqi & I) had an adventure searching for Timbre@OldSchool and ended up it was after operating hours, so we bought coffee and juice and went to Shiqi's house LOL. So, while everyone was like, probably boozing at Zouk and dancing, we were getting caffeine and sugar highs while watching Crayon Shinchan HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh! Melvin and Ivan also joined us at Shiqi's house, so the six of us shared an obedient and non-rebellious post-prom~

- Outings with friends. Went out with my childhood friends (Meixuan, Sherina, and Xinyi!), and so coincidentally we met another of our friends, Sam, at Clarke Quay. Went midnight k-ing, then drinking at Clarke Quay, then ate Macs at like 4am in the morning LOL. Also, went out with class clique (Cal, Cindy, Shiqi) for prom shopping. And then there was prom shopping and a simple dinner with Siaoyi, Vivien, Weiling, and days later Breaking Dawn (WHICH ISN'T THAT BAD WHAT LOL.) w Viv and Weiling ^--^ Lastly (yesterday) met up with Diondra to catch up and passed the SNSD bug to her hehehe <3

- SNSD CONCERT. Most epic concert in my life (tbh I haven't been to many lmao). Queued one day earlier, went through lots of drama with my brother whatwith the disputes over an unofficial queue some people were trying to set up (two of us were just onlookers to these, silently laughing at their immaturity and lack of rationality), and oh for the first time in my life I lay down by the streets and slept like a hobo. LOL. A fresh experience man, I must say. The next morning Huixian joined us and thankfully we managed to help her cut the queue with little trouble. We died queueing, with the pain of sitting down with no space to adjust yourself for HOURS, and then later on when it rained we had to stand for almost three hours. And when we finally got in, because we were in the standing pen, we had to stand for another three hours HAHHAHHA. But totally worth it, I regret nothing.

The girls were so beautiful in real life it's kind of ..dazzling. I was dazed for most of the concert because it's surreal, the lights, the effects, the dances, the real SNSD in front of my eyes and performing, laughing, playing around. I think I keep repeating this but for the sake of putting this in my blog so I can read back in future; Yoona pointed at my foam heart and laughed, while Tiffany stared at it and then eyesmiled at me. Okay, seriously, these girls are idols with like a million fans worldwide, and I managed to make eye contact with them... It's a dream come true for every SONE (SNSD's fans). Goodness.. What I would give to experience it all over again. They're not just pretty girls. People who hate them think they're just that. That's why they think nothing of them, even dislike them; hate them. But if you look past the surface to the personality (which should be the case for every human being, by the way. Yes, they're humans too), you'll see Taeyeon's inability to open up about her feelings beyond her cheerfulness (which I feel very much for), Jessica's friendliness beyond her cold exterior, Sunny's maturity beyond her act-cuteness, Tiffany's pain behind her dazzling smiles, Hyoyeon's insecurities beyond her hilariousity, Yuri's concern for her members beyond her overwhelming stage charisma, Sooyoung's meekness beyond her straightforwardness, Yoona's awfully endearingness beyond her godlike beauty, and Seohyun's wisdom beyond her silence and reserve.

Okay, I'm sorry for that.

I seem to know them more than I know my friends, huh..? Not really, I think. I guess I know more than I show, or at least, that's what I believe.

Yeah, okay. Shall go now, it's been too long a post. Byebye!

Planes

"Insanity is characterized by the belief that one is sane."

Haha this is pretty funny considering how many people think they're sane. I say 'they' because I'm not one of them; I actually suspect myself to be insane like, every other day. So, I was wondering if the inverse is true? Hahaha.

Anyway, I've given myself a motto to live by. It's probably only temporary as always, but it'll tide me through this period at least. "You're only as miserable as you let yourself be." The word 'miserable' can be replaced with any other negatively connotated adjective (even positive ones actually) but yeah, that's my default word for now. I'm actually in a pretty happy mood now. n_n

Once tomorrow ends, bulk of A's are over! I screwed most up, but what can I do? Haha, just believe in God and believe that I'm only a failure if I believe myself to be I guess. Hopefully optimism doesn't lead to my downfall oops.

On the other hand, SNSD concert in 19 days!!!! Omg I'm going to be so close to them..... /cryz Thank God for mosh pits. If I don't get squashed to death, that is.. And, man, I actually hope my future boyfriend is a SONE too.

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Past

It's so damn hard

/Don't leave me

For me to let you go

/Stay with me

No I can't let you go

/Why were those words so hard then

#onreplay

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Your Pieces - Epik High

Listening to this song makes me feel this settling in my stomach and that yearning to learn Korean so I don't have to depend on translations to understand such a piece of magnificence.

How do such talented people exist? Talent from birth, through nurturing, or through suffering?

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Driven by caffeine

So, it's late in the night at 2AM now and I just drank a can of chilled Nestle. Lol, I'm not planning to stay up, but I just wanted to drink it. It feels quite good to just do whatever actually. If I feel awake, I'll just keep going. I've ELL lesson later in the morning, but heck, I've another can of coffee in the fridge for that. I know my sleep cycle's gonna be reversed, but if I can reverse it this easily, as easily can I reverse it back.

So again, heck.

I prefer the night very much. I can narrate a descriptive right now: the distant whirring of late returning vehicles; the faint zephyrs cool against my skin; the nagging ache on my right shoulder; Nell singing Afterglow to me soothingly through the computer speakers (I still don't know if it's a he or they, lol); the ceiling light illuminating where I confine but unable to reach out to the deep purple sky out there, which is the same for all the other dull and boring lights I can see; and this undefined sense of peace I feel.

Hahahaha. Guess I'm as usual, out-of-my-mind. But really, the zephyrs (if you don't know what they mean, haha. hahahahaha.) are really really nice in the night. They don't exist in the day, but when they do, it's probably a good day.

Ohhhh now Clocks by Coldplay is playing, k, I shall go. It is time. Byebyebyebyebye~

Commodification

"While a person dies every day during the eight or more hours in which he or she functions as a commodity, individuals come to life afterward in their spiritual creations. But this remedy bears the germs of the same sickness: that of a solitary being seeking harmony with the world."

- Che Guevara

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Drowning

I think I'm that.

I know how to swim. I land in troubled waters, and I struggle. I panic. I flap my limbs around trying to get to something, anything, and I panic. I grab onto something. A plank. Some more planks. Eventually, I hold out long enough to chance upon a lifejacket. I hold on to them for my dear life, and the waters still.

I hold on to them still, I hold on so tightly.

Then the waters rise in havoc again. I lose the planks. I clutch onto the lifejacket so tightly as I get embroiled in the mess, and now I don't know what will become of me; if I'll be as lucky this time.

Problem isn't if I survive. What's bad is, throughout it all, I forgot that I know how to swim. And the pressing problem now is: I can't remember.


/edit: Now listening to Nell. They're good. Or he. Idk which.

If I were to write a book

Yeah, so I was watching this talk show where the guests were asked what they wanted to write about if they were to publish a book. It got me wondering too..

My book would be titled 'Growing Up'. LOL cliche title I know, but I don't wanna give it a fanciful title because there isn't anything fanciful about it at all. And I know, I'm not even an adult yet, but there are lots of things I believe I know already. Age is but a number yeah.

I think certain blogposts of mine would be good material. Lol. But the thing is, why would people be even interested in what I think? Haha, but given the chance though, I would really wanna publish such a book in future. Hmm.

-

Anyway I'm using my phone to blog now. Hard to type, but I'll get the hang of it ...eventually. Off to study now, I need to stop being distracted. Bye!

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Money love, fashion fame; and all that's in between

You know that happiness you're afraid to let end. You know those chances you wish you never let slip. What happened? Life happened. That's what it is.

-

Okay, so tomorrow I'm getting a new phone! I just hope I don't fall sick (s'been three days since I started feeling like my brain got blended) and I hope the admin stuff goes well cause there're loads of stuff I need to clarify regarding my plan before I can get it. AND I hope I get to keep my number too; it rolls on my tongue. Tutu oh, tutu fai~

Then again if it doesn't work out it's God's way of telling me that I'll be distracted by it. Lol 24 days to A's and I'm still feeling like it's 240. Hmmmmm okay nah maybe 90. Yeah, something like that.

Today was Graduation Day and yesterday I considered skipping. Only when I got to school and got out of the boring speeches and announcement of sushi honour roll and whatnot did I realize why Huixian went "WHYYYY" when I told her my intentions of skipping. People were taking photos, giving out letters to classmates and friends, grabbing teachers for a shot, chattering (with excitement? I think) and running around. I never thought that much of it ..and I was of course disoriented. Um, wow.

I felt sorry though. To my friends. It's like I never considered anything special to do for them, and I felt like what Shiqi described me as was very apt: socially awkward. Lol, Idk why, are these like the effects of closing myself up? Or am I just thinking too much and I'm actually just ill and out-of-it? I hope it's the latter. But at one point I felt so (emotionally) wrecked I almost cried. Held it in though, everyone'd think I was crazy.

Took photos with class clique and then with the 1013 clique. I hope my presence made up for something, and I tried to liven things up a bit, so.. Yup. Can't help but doubt myself though, why am I so horrid?

Hais.

Now listening to: Take Me Away by U-KISS. Had immense potential to be a much better song but it's alright, my type of song lol.

Honestly?

Idgaf.


True friends stay. No, I'm not talking about anyone at all. I'm talking about me, I'm the one who doesn't stay.


-


I feel so angsty right now I can combust the moon into another Sun with the intensity of my emotions.


Exaggerating?
Lol, I don't give a f-




Restraint. Practice in progress. See whether by the end of A's my pent-up freakshit issues are higher, or my rank points.


I doubt it's the latter.


I SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY think I'm getting some mental problem
My head hurts.
I think anyone who sees this post will hesitate to talk to me the next time there's a need for them to.

Ah heck it. I really really wish I can survive this period though. I know I will, but it's two different things between knowing you will and feeling you won't. Because you're definitely lying to yourself either way, you just don't know which side to take and your heart and mind are in a match of tug-o-war.

Raw

You hold me by an invisible leash you call my future.

I hold myself back by something I know as an unspoken debt. One which will never be fully repaid.
And thus I go through the processes of which I don't enjoy. Question is, will, and should I let this vicious cycle continue?

Sew and rip, mend and rip

Here it is again. My not-a-care-in-the-world mood, fueled by hedonism. Yes, hedonism. Lol I learnt that word from the drilling of countless GP compre essays which had that word inside, speaking of it in a negative light.

But oh, come on. What's so bad about pursuing happiness? Seriously. Unless I got the meaning of the word wrong, which would explain why I rarely pass my vocabulary section of the paper. I dunno, lol. Whatever.

Hmm so blogger has a new layout? Tsk. Random.

There are so many things I wanna do after my A's.. But somehow, won't we all end up lazing at home despite the exciting and majestic plans we've conjured? Just like after the O's. Such is life ..though, I really wish I get down to doing the things I wanna do.

If I didn't remember wrongly, my after O's to-do-list comprised mainly shopping, playing, working, those kind of things. Maybe the after A's one will work out since it's kind of different, though there are bound to be some similarities of course. Like, working. I gotta save up. I've an amount which I'm gonna really hide and treasure because there's so much I need -- need, not want -- to do with it. I've drafted a spending 'itinerary' for it and they're a list of priorities. There are a few things inside which aren't exactly necessities, but they're priorities because I've considered how much I really want them, plus I really don't believe life is all about just fulfilling your needs but also your wants, so whatever. You gotta reward yourself from time to time. As long as it's not excessive, it should be fine.

Speaking of excessive, I'm taking an excessive break from mugging. Been slacking from yesterday afternoon till now. Oh dang. I hope I return to it later..

Back on topic, the amount I've saved so far isn't a lot, but it's decent. I set aside some money for prom, since we haven't paid the full amount, and also I think I'm gonna spend on the clothes (and makeup? Lol) as much as my mind screams that it's a waste of money. Okay, at least I prepared myself for it in advance, it shouldn't get too much out of hand haha.

And then there's overseas trips with cliques.........which I haven't set aside any money for. Dang. Dang. Dang  .______. There's Genting with the class clique, and then ..the unconfirmed trip with the floorball clique (which I wonder, by the way, if it'll even happen). Life is unpredictable. And I haven't really accepted this fact, though I've come to terms with it. 2 years ago in secondary school I would've been pulling my hair out over this, but no, not now. I guess you could call it maturing, but I call it becoming numb. I don't like how the people in the world work. They make me doubtful and cynical. Haha, angsty much?

Okay, and there are random stuff like an iPhone (I've wanted one since sooooo long ago, mehmeh), uh, university application fee to SNU, and.. I can't really remember. But nevermind. Then there's the stuff I wanna do in the 8(?) months (which hopefully really only needs time and not money). Haha mundane stuff like writing, watching dramas, catching up with friends (okay this prolly needs money), playing MapleStory (LOL I kind of look forward to this) and reading books and fics.

Oh, and not forgetting, leveled-up fangirling. Lalalalala. I know, I just had to ruin the to-do-list. (:

Waiting for the End - Linkin Park

This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violent rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control

Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

Sitting in an empty room
Trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last,
I wish it wasn't so

(Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

What was left when that fire was gone?
I thought it felt right but that right was wrong
All caught up in the eye of the storm
And trying to figure out what it's like moving on
And i don't even know what kind of things I've said
My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead
So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin?
The hardest part of ending is starting again

All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

This is not the end
This is not the beginning,
Just a voice like a riot
Rocking every revision
But you listen to the tone
And the violet rhythm
Though the words sound steady
Something empty's within 'em
(Holding on to what i haven't got)

We say Yeah!
With fists flying up in the air
Like we're holding onto something
That's invisible there,
'Cause we're living at the mercy of
The pain and the fear
Until we dead it, Forget it,
Let it all disappear
(Holding on to what I haven't got)


-

“It's you who makes the world complicated,” he sternly corrected, “You learn in school that the world is complicated and will always be complicated, when in fact, it isn't. You learn math in school and are taught to only see the complexity in numbers, and dismiss the simplicity and elegance of getting the solution. You learn sociology, psychology and only see the complexities of the human affairs but ignore the simplicity of basic human needs that are the root cause of any human behavior. You learn science in school and are taught to observe the complex world around you, but are blind to the simplicity and wonder of the basic building blocks of all matter. Love, as in with every subject, the more you know about it, the more you find it simpler, ironically enough.” 

I agree... I agree. 

Life - SHINee

Oh, when this passing life withers away, you come to me
The moment I touch your frozen heart, my life begins
When you’re tired and having a hard time
Please let me stay by your side
So I can give back to you the love I had only received
Before this life ends

When I get on my knees and cry before the world
When I stop my tracks inside the storm
If you alone are standing
I can handle this much pain and suffering
(If only you) If only you
(Are with me) Are with me in my life

When I lose my way inside the dark forest
When my young soul is crying
Guide me like a light, like a miracle
Before this life ends

When I get on my knees and cry before the world
When I stop my tracks inside the storm
If you alone are standing
I can suppress whatever pain and tears
(All I want is you) All I want is you
(Only one is you) Only one is you in my life

I won’t cry, I won’t cry again
Absolutely nothing can stop me
But only one person
You make me, you perfect me
Oh, you make me able to breathe like this

When I get on my knees and cry before the world
When I stop my tracks inside the storm
If you alone are standing
I can handle this much pain and suffering
(If only you) If only you
(Are with me) Are with me

When I get on my knees and cry before the world
When I stop my tracks inside the storm
If you alone are standing
I can suppress whatever pain and tears
(All I want is you) All I want is you
(Only one is you) Only one is you in my life

-

Defenses chipping, little by little.

"And I can't breathe without you, but I have to"

Man, my temper's been getting worse recently. I could blame it all on the stress again, but then I don't really know. Is it? I think there's more.

Hmm, I realized something a few days ago, and I don't know what to make out of it. I forgot someone's birthday. Not just someone someone, but someone. And I only realized now in August, over 3 months overdue. I'm not gonna talk much about it, but it confused me so badly. I don't know, really.

Anyway, that wasn't what I wanted to blog about. Idk why I'm so sensitive today, it's something I haven't experienced in a long time. During breakfast, I was experiencing severe wake-up grouchiness (I haven't woken up naturally for weeks already) and so I didn't really talk much. All of a sudden, I felt like I shouldn't, because I remembered how mad I was at my mom last Sunday for not eating our routine weekly family breakfast with us just cause she was supposed to be eating vegetarian. I wouldn't have minded eating with her, and yet she went off without us. It's petty of me, but I did reject my friend's offer to study earlier just for that, and... Yeah. I didn't wanna waste the precious family time. So, I attempted to join the conversation. My mom and oldest brother were talking about the presidential elections while everyone else was busy with something else, so I asked them who they were voting for. They heard me, they even gave me a momentary glance. And yet, the very next moment they continued talking as if I hadn't said anything at all. At that very moment, I was like Wtf? Like, really.. I even almost teared on the spot, but I held it in and I continued eating silently. Call it a silent surrender.

But as we left the restaurant, my mom made the initiative to talk to me. Maybe it was because my brother and his wife was busy with their daughter, maybe cause my second bro was buying something, maybe cause my dad left already, but I don't really know. I can't even remember what she said, but I remember how she gently tried to hold my hand, as if she had to seek permission, and I realized how long I hadn't held her hands already. I realized how big I've grown, and, how far apart we've drifted. I don't know... I gently held her hand back, but barely moments later we had to go, so we let go. But on the car, I thought about it, and.. I wish I could have continued holding on. I miss that, from my childhood.

Oh well.. I think I don't have the courage to do anything about it. I'm a wuss. It's all too bad.

Rain rain

Nope, not in a particularly depressed or melancholic mood right now. But I was thinking, I don't even need someone who can accept my flaws. I don't need that type of consolation cause I think it leads to stagnation. I just wish, I had someone who knew me better than I know myself.

Breathe

Just because I don't show things, doesn't mean I don't feel them.


I seem to have locked myself up again. I don't know if this description is apt enough, but I'll stick with it. I feel sick, I feel alienated. I really don't want to let anyone know how I feel. I can smile every day, and the next, and the ones after that, and continue my life like that. But do I really? I don't know.

Recently, I've known people who have gone to the school counsellor to talk. I know people who've talked to Ms Hazel (she's as good as one, her kind heart makes her so). I thought about whether I wanted to do that too, but then again, something just holds me back. Either that or, I'm just waiting for someone to reach out first. But there are so many things I wanna hide, so many things I wanna forget, and so many things I want to get over. I can't tell anyone. I don't know.

I can't express myself well. I think too much. I'm afraid that showing my emotions too easily makes me vulnerable, I have no faith in people. Or rather, I'm insecure regarding matters of the heart.

Some part of me wishes I could spill it all out, maybe that's why I'm distracted. My ELL teacher Mrs Lee said that I'm a very distracted person. But why? How? What do I do? I have no idea. I know a lot of things about this world, I'm confident of that. But I know nearly nothing about myself.

/edit: Though I say things in a joking manner, but I mean them. I mean it when I say; one who's alone need not be lonely, yet one who's within a crowd may be.

"If you'd just learn to broaden your sight, you'll see so many things you're missing out on right now. It doesn't help if glimpse to the side every once in a while, because one day you'll find that the other things you used to had will end up gone and you wouldn't even have realized it."

What Faith Can Do - Kutless

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can
I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

Aporia

I find it uncomfortable when people are real nice to me. Of course, I do want people to be, lol I don't have self-torturing tendencies. I somehow think it's just that, I feel undeserving. I can't return the same amount people give to me, I disappoint people all the time. Well, I don't know. I like to love a lot, but to be loved is burdening.

At this rate I'm never going to get married in future ;~; dasnfjsabasfjkfnvajfnmkcjfsh.

Er. Crazy. Trololololooool.

Nostalgiaaaa

Was checking out the soundtracks for Transformers just now cause I saw a few links on Youtube, and I ended up listening to a few of Linkin Park's old songs. Man, I really haven't realized that I like most of their songs, especially the classics, like Numb, Faint, Crawling, Papercut, and for the more recent ones, What I've Done and Shadow of the Day. Lol I'm secretly a rocker, so secretly that this secret shocked myself ._. Hahaha lame.

But ah, got reminded of how a few months back (maybe really really few), Numb was a song that made my heart hurt everytime I thought about it. The lyrics are really fitting.. Hmm the fact that I'm bringing this up so nonchalantly probably suggests that I've accepted it already, but I guess it'll always be a stigma hidden somewhere within me lol. Just like my rockerrrrrrr persona, hahahaha.

Numb - Linkin Park

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me,
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)

Underpromotion and overprovidence

Kay, here's the thing I typed in my phone. Gonna be a long one..

***

160611

My brother is one person I've appreciated coversing with very much. There are others of course, but him, I've to mention, because he's after all 7 years my senior, and has a multitude wider of a range of life experiences than me. I'm thankful for that, 'cause whenever I talk to him, I'm able to broaden my perspectives a lot and gain an increased insight on life. Today we went out to study together, and although I ended up talking to him (not chatting, but kind of like, discussing in depth), I don't find it a waste of time at all, because I've learnt so much from it.

Hmm, how should I put this? Today was definitely one of the most productive discussions we've had together (note: 1. For me, at least. 2. Not saying our other discussions were mediocre lol.) and wow, what I've realized today is probably gonna be a contributing reason for my fulfilling life in future (if I do tend to have one, that is). Haha and so I'm kinda in the mood to write this entry novel style, and I don't freaking care if anyone finds it fake/crazy/mental, it's my friggin blog and I do what I like. Deal with it. Hah.

So, we sat down in Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf at Bras Basah after a long walk in the sweltering heat, and I ordered some Cookies and Cream drink I've been lamenting not buying ever since the last time I was at the Farrer Park CBTL just because I couldn't find it on the menu boards. Our discussion started after I complained about how I regretted not buying the venti for a mere 50cents more as compared to the regular size I got. And so he broke it down for me logically, saying how I might have instead regretted not buying the regular if I bought the venti and found it too much, and how if only they had the insight to price it at 7.90 instead of 8bucks, many more people (including myself and him, we admit) would've been enticed into buying the venti instead, gaining them (CBTL) a 40cent increase in revenue rather than a 10cent loss per cup. Then we moved on to saying how from an economical perspective, I would've gained more from buying the venti since it's of more value, and I went on to suggest that from a health perspective, I actually gain (or rather, lose, hahhhh) from buying the regular because I avoided the unnecessary extra sugar intake.

Yeah then our discussion stretched and expanded a lot, into a span of a few hours which I strongly believe, if recorded, would've been ample material for a book. LOL like those on self-improvement yknow. Haha I totally wish I could reproduce everything here, but it's just too much to, in both the sense that there's too much in terms of quantity to type and also that I should be spending this time for studying instead, if I consider opportunity cost.

I wanted to blog about this, kinda cause I wanted to remind myself of this conversation and NOT ever forget about its content. Seriously, today I was mind-blown, no exaggeration. We toppled over certain beliefs I had in life (for the better) and I literally had this weight on my brain (which is still present now, 2hours later) from the realization of it all. I just wanna say that I've been naive my whole life and that I am stupid, I am. I'll be changing that though, so I hope I'm gonna start becoming an increasingly better person to myself. Keywords: 'to myself'. I'm not going to raise anyone's expectations of me because I'm not gonna make any promises to provide that, so hahaha sorry.

Pointers to myself, and to anyone who can amazingly comprehend the crypticness of them:

1. Underpromotion and overprovidence

2. Knowledge VS. Utility

3. 'Bitterness before sweetness'

4. Decisions and calculated risks

5. Amplified effects of short-term consistent decisions in the long run

6. Talent VS. Those without it

7. Nature or Nurture

***

Okay my gad, that was one long hell of a rant. I suddenly feel like a fool again because there are certain parts I don't remember in the blog post. Zzzzzz. Especially among the 'Pointers'. Ah whatever. Anyway just a heads up, I typed this entry in my phone the night of the discussion, but I couldn't get it to send so I had to retype it here manually.

On a reflective level, though, I'm pretty sure that day's talk has settled itself and it's somewhere in my mind now, subtly playing a part in my thought processes and whatnot.

And double my gad, I think this is the most boring post I have ever written. I can't believe I actually had the urge over the past few days to immediately go to Kinokuniya or Times or whatever when A's end to buy a self-improvement book. The urge just died and got banished to hell lol O___O If you ever see me with one, though, I go against myself all the time. So yep. Bye.

P/s. I haven't slept for 42 hours! Exciting. Shall try to drag it to 44 (not just so it's 44, but cause I really have things to do lol) and then knock out. Yay night!

-

I wish I was a better daughter.
A daughter who even if she didn't have any achievements they could be proud of, but at least made them happy and treated them as who they deserved to be at the very least -- people who mattered.
Not like me.

Tears of laughter

Wow I've a lot to post this time. I'm blogging now 'cause I wanna recount what happened while I was on the way home just now, while the other thing I wanna blog is an entry I typed into my phone, which unfortunately zzzzz cannot be posted using mobile Blogger for I-don't-know-what-reason. So yea, shall type it out later.

For now, just a light-hearted entry, heh. ^^

Just now, I went to Macs with my childhood friend (who lives 5 floors below me in the same block). As we were on our way back, I spotted that the moon was real pretty, it was bright and clear, so I told her to look. She was astonished by its beauty (uh well, 'astonished' in her own way, lol she exclaimed "Walau spotlight lor that one!"), so she insisted that she took a photo of it. I was then jokingly bickering with her about how it's never possible to take a nice photo of the moon, and yet she continued to take her phone out, so I took a look at her screen and I laughed, saying "Eh you take photo of a spotlight for what!" 'cause it was just an orb on the screen LOL.

So we continued walking, and we talked about some stuff (I seriously can't remember what suddenly, it was funny too though) and she kept spraying water on the floor with her Nike bottle (the second gen design). I told her, "Stop using your thermometer to spray here spray there la!" and she looked at me with a perturbed look, like O.o-what-chu-talking kinda look, and then she suddenly burst out in laughter and this time it was my turn to give her the look lol. She was like "Not bad, funny funny!!!" and then she made some motions with her hands to simulate the action of putting a thermometer into her ear. Turns out that she's never heard anyone refer to it as a thermometer before, nor thought of it herself. Haha woah seriously different social networks man, different schools probably have different jokes circulating around.

Tsk so while we were crossing the canal/drain/river, I was trying to find the reflection of the moon in the water. I have to mention that it was already past midnight while we were on our way, so the place was deserted and dark. Finally I found it and I was signalling for her to just make a small out-of-the-way detour to where I was standing, and again she wanted to take a photo of it. She was contemplating doing it when all of a sudden I thought of something and I dragged her away, bursting out in laughter at the same time. I told her, in between spurts of laughter, "Later your photo got one hand inside sia," and I even added a demonstration of it LOL -.- The joke about this is 'cause the drain at my house is the one where recently a 15-year-old Indonesian boy slipped in and drowned, and the exact stretch we were along was where they found the body, so yeah. To be honest, I was scared, but I found it funny at the same time, that's why I dragged her a small distance before saying it out. She laughed too when I said it, and then she murmured to me that it's actually quite creepy because we were the only two people there. I laughed harder and told her that I too was shocked by my own random thought-cum-joke, and we just kept laughing (by now our backs were facing the river because we crossed it already) so I said, "-hahahahha-Eh keep-hahahaha-laughing-hahahaha-then we won't be-hahahaha-scared-hahaha-". Thankfully this made us continue laughing, and we managed to get away from there 'safely' LOL.

She then mentioned this korean variety show which I asked her to watch, in which the guests tried to spot the 'spiritual beings' inside short video clips supposedly found from the internet. She was saying that the videos were too freaky since she was watching the show at night, so much so she decided to stop watching. I commented that I didn't find them scary cause I was firstly, unbelieving of the validity of the videos, and secondly, more intrigued with trying to spot possible appearances of the ghost, not to mention I was laughing my head off at the guests/hosts of the show (Koreans are awesome entertainers I swear). She then replied that she still felt scared cause they seemed pretty real, plus it's not easy to psycho oneself into not believing so. At this moment, she suddenly seemed to get a shock from something, then she pointed behind us, explaining, "Aiyo omg that cat just lie there, scare me," and I broke out in laughter again cause she was obviously thinking too much due to our supernatural-themed talk. After I collected myself, I looked to where she had pointed to earlier and I could see no cat, so I backtracked a little to get a clearer view. Noticing my actions, she panicked. "Thereeee it's on the car! Eh don't scare me hor, don't tell me only I can see it!!!" and I just gave a small chuckle in response cause I was focusing on trying to spot the position of said cat which had surprised her earlier. My eyes glanced over the hoods of the cars, then between the cars, and under them, but I could see no cat! Just as I was really nearing the cars, I spotted a white and orange cat sprawled over the front portion of the first car and I immediately exploded in laughter upon realization. My friend laughed simultaneously in the very next instant, scolding me "A big fat cat like that also cannot see" and we both laughed so freaking hard I teared.

By then we were reaching the lift, and our laughter subsided, and she said that we'd do well on variety shows lolol. I wanted to tell her that we probably would be the only two laughing at our jokes but thanks to my horrible habit of laughing before I make a joke, she made a guess at what I was going to say, thinking that it was some other joke we laughed about a few days back regarding variety shows, so I got a hold on myself and told her what I really wanted to say, and she laughed, saying that she made the guess cause we almost always repeat and laugh at the same few jokes when we're together. And yeah, by then we already reached her floor and we said bye, with her mentioning that we also always abrubtly cut off our conversations when we reach her floor.

Ahahaha yup, so that totally made my day (or night) and I'm thankful for having a friend I grew up with such that it's so comfortable to hang out together.
Tsk this is one long hell of a post manz, hehe. It shall serve to remind me of this good time I've had, even if it's just a short one. Alright, off to bathe now! I smell of fries ._. Goodbye, ciao, annyeonggggg! Hope it was a good read~ Merci beaucoup (:

-

"I cried so much when we won first for 'Into the New World,' and the rookie award at the yearly music awards, but these tears that I had were different from the tears I had when I was tired ..."
- Kim Taeyeon

/edit: Found this in my drafts from weeks/months ago. Okay, shall publish it.

Days and days of angst

Another day of feeling horrible. I don't get why humans are such ...idiots. I'm one, too. I know, to say that humans are idiots would be akin to calling God an idiot since He made us in His image, but no, I don't mean it that way. 'cause seriously, most of us can't think and act like He does.

God, how do You even manage to love us for how we are? I find it so hard to love some people sometimes (love in the generic sense), to ignore what they do and what their actions do (or don't do) to me. And, do humans always only learn how to treasure only after they've experienced loss? Because apparently, I don't think I've learnt. Sure, I've learnt how to treasure the certain things I've lost, but no, I can't say the same for what I haven't lost (before) yet.

That's what's wrong with me. I always know the problem, but my knowledge rarely gives me control over my feelings.

Yesterday night, I reached home at 12AM after studying at Macs. I even continued until 1AM so that I finished a proper part of the chapter. (Note, it was math, so coming from me it's like woah.) Yet when I went to sleep, I got insomnia. I was so freaking tired.. But I just couldn't, after lying there till 2plus.. So I woke up,watched a few videos, and attempted to sleep around 3+, and my mom had to wake up and accuse me of sleeping so late when it's not like I even wanted to. But I kept it in, since I considered that she didn't know. And okay, I overslept today when I wanted to wake at 7 to study, and then I ended up using the com for hours after I woke. I felt guilty, so I quickly made myself pack my materials to go to Macs again after dinner. Yet, she had to say something like, 'You like that, one day also at most study 2hrs'. Like, what? Seriously? I've been clocking HOURS upon HOURS for the past DAYS and just 'cause of ONE day today (which btw, I was feeling terrible about wasting ALREADY), you make one remark to screw my mood upside down, downside up. You must've been wondering why I didn't say a single word, or even laugh at bro's grossly horrible joke 'bout getting a one night stand tonight so you can have another grandchild other than Jo'en to play with, but honestly, that's how bad you made me feel.

Yet I can't believe how despite that, I actually felt bad for POSSIBLY making you feel upset with my silent treatment. I don't know why, I work so hard for you, to make you proud of me, for that one smile on your face to surface during the few times in my life I've achieved something worthy to mention. I'm sure you don't know all these, otherwise you would've known how much effect small comments from you could have on me.

I don't know if one day I'll give up trying for you, because personally, I don't feel a need to be somebody. If I do, please find it in your heart to forgive me, and perhaps, understand me for once.

/Sorry, emotional breakdown.

Significance?

It's 2AM in the morning and I can't sleep. I'm sick, I'm tired, and I can't sleep, how ironic. I got so fed up tossing around in my bed that I decided to wake up and use the comp, that's why I'm here now, blogging.

I'm not sure, maybe it's cause there're too many thoughts running through my mind? Right now, I'm in a really depressed mood. Another one of those times when I feel miserable due to a mix of reasons.. My insomnia's definitely a major source for this current one.

There's a million things I'm thinking about now but I can't put my finger on any one of them enough to type them out. Ughhhhhhhhhh.

I wanna cry but there aren't any tears to shed. I wanna sleep so bad but I can't. I want to scream and be heard. I wanna breathe and remember how the fresh air in the morning smells like. I wanna help people over and over again and feel like it's going to make the world a better place. I wanna... ah I want to do so many things.

I'm going a tad bit mentally unbalanced.

If

만약에 내가 간다면 내가 다가간다면
넌 어떻게 생각할까 용기낼수 없고
만약에 니가 간다면 니가 떠나간다면
널 어떻게 보내야할지 자꾸 겁이 나는걸

내가 바보같아서 바라볼 수 밖에만 없는 건 아마도
외면할지도 모를 니 마음과 또 그래서 더 멀어질 사이가 될까봐
정말 바보 같아서 사랑한다 하지 못하는건 아마도
만남 뒤에 기다리는 아픔에 슬픈 나날들이 두려워서 인가봐

만약에 니가 온다면 니가 다가 온다면
난 어떻게 해야만 할지 정말 알수 없는걸

내가 바보 같아서 바라볼 수 밖에만 없는 건 아마도
외면 할지도 모를 니 마음과 또 그래서 더 멀어질 사이가 될까봐
정말 바보 같아서 사랑한다 하지 못하는건 아마도
만남 뒤에 기다리는 아픔에 슬픈 나날들이 두려워서 인가봐

내가 바보 같아서 사랑한다 하지 못하는 건 아마도
만남뒤에 기다리는 아픔에 슬픈 나날들이

두려워서 인 가봐...

Manyage naega kandamyeon naega dagakandamyeon
Neoneotteokhe saenggakhalkka yonggil nael so eobgo

Manyage niga kandamyeon niga tteonakandamyeon
Neol eotteokhe bonaeyahalji jakkoogeobi naneun geol

Naega babogattaseo

Barabol su bakkeman eobneun geon ahmado
Wimyeonhaljido moreul ni maeumgwa
Tto keuraeseo deo meoreojil saiga dwilkkabwa

Chungmal babogattaseo

Saranghanda haji mothaneun geon ahmado
Mannamdwi e kidarineun apeume
Seulpeum nanaldeuri doryeoweoseo inkabwa

Manyage niga ondamyeon

Niga dagaondamyeon naneotteokhe haeyaman halji
Chungmal al su eobneun geol

Naega babo gattaseo

Barabol su bakkeman eobneun geon ahmado
Wuimyeonhaljido moreul ni maeumgwa
Tto keuraeseo deo meoreojil saiga dwilkkabwa

Chungmal babogattaseo

Saranghanda haji mothaneun geon ahmado
Mannandwi e kidarineun apeume
Seulpeum nanaldeuri doryeoweoseo inkabwa

Naega babo gattaseo

Saranghanda haji mothanen geon ahmado
Mannandwi e kidarineun apeume
Seulpeum nanaldeuri dortoedweoseo inkabwa

/I can sing this song over and over and over again.

Touched

It takes one person, just one person, to enlighten you to what's been unknown to you. For a while, I've been desperately praying to God for this person to appear, but I didn't pray for the person to serve that purpose (cause I didn't imagine it to that extent), instead I just prayed for someone who could just understand my fears and problems truly, and help me with them. Today, I met that person. I cried from pouring out all those things no one has understood, I cried 'cause someone finally saw through me. Today's talk is one I'm going to keep close to my heart forever.

And I really have to thank my God for He saw through me first, before all.

/edit: Haha, confused?

Addiction.

DISCLAIMER: Mental state currently unbalanced.

I seriously wanna scream. Or run away. Or put exclamation marks to all that I've typed thus far. AHHHHHHWCNHIUQWHCJWNICXIDJNCF and I wanna cry.

And now I suddenly wanna laugh. I'm really such a psycho, my mood swings from extreme to extreme and more often than not I don't think the same today as I did two days ago. I shall say this once and never say it again: Don't ever use what I once said against me, cause I probably don't mean them anymore.

Anyways reason for mentioning this and going mental all of a sudden is cause, I suddenly really don't want CCA to end anymore, contrary to the previous post. Today morning I woke up, determined to do my work, and I ended up in front of the TV for 3 hours. Then when I finally got to turning on my work computer to do my research, I ended up youtubing, tumblring, twittering (not tweeting, cause I was kind of only reading) and doing ANYTHING but researching. Okay, maybe I can blame the heat, but I know I should just blame myself.

And then I remembered my M'sian cousin who's staying at my house cause of his NUS interviews, so I decided I shouldn't go for trng and stay at home to help my mom be a good host instead.
Yeah, I did do that, but the extra time freed up should've been used on doing work too BUT I DIDN'T -.- Ok I'm really on the verge of going berserk. Every five minutes I told myself, okay I need to start work, but the moment I switch to my Microsoft Word window I open the browser again and do something else. I really hate this, it's like I keep thinking I have so much time so I can take my time and do it later, when in fact I don't.

During the past two weeks which have been packed thanks to A'divisions, I somehow did MORE work. There were days I didn't use the com (rare for the me of 2011) and I just did work until I'd fall asleep. But these 3 days of holidays just dissipated all sense of urgency in me.

I think I've a cyber addiction. How? Kpop. Okay, kpop addiction. Goodness, why won't this interest just fizz out and die like all the previous ones? It's been 4 months since it started. And there seems to be no sign of it ending, only escalating. Kill me..

(What makes it even worse is, if I had a choice, I would choose kpop over studies anytime. Thing is, I don't, that's why I'm struggling so bad. This is torturing every bit of my soul..)

Headaches

Ah it's been a long time since the last update! Hmm been so caught up with floorball and work after all. Oh well, floorball's coming to a regrettable end, and I have really mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I'll finally be able to have time to do my work and catch up with all that I've missed; and prove to certain teachers I can do it. On the other though, it marks the finishing line for this one passion (it's not even a sport anymore) I've pumped so much time and effort and emotion into. Twice to thrice of a few hours each week, perspiration shed and energy burnt to the extent of shaggedness, and happiness, excitement, anger, disappointment, dejection. I'm really upset over the fact that we're not in the next round, but like I told myself and I told a certain few, there's nothing more we can do about it already. The least we could, is play our best for the last match despite it being practically insignificant. But on the level other than practical, I know it's gonna the last time I'm going to fight so hard on that court. After that, nothing much counts anymore. I really don't want to lose. I don't want to even win by a margin. I wanna fight, I wanna score, I wanna win.

I really wanna. The euphoria of a match well-played and won; I've never ever experienced that. Serious. Like, wth, am I cursed? This is my last chance, I either take it or blow it.

I'm gonna miss the people after it all. Things will change, life's like that. So while we're still at it, I hope we make the last lap the most memorably good one for all of us.. Manz life sucks.

Let's play pretend,

Sometimes I wish, that I could just disappear without a trace for a while, and then come back as someone I wanted to be. Everyone hates unexplained changes, everyone hates to be left ignorant and unsure, and confused. That restricts us, or maybe only me, from changing ourselves, and if only I had an excuse to fall back on.. I wanna change everything about me. My stupidity, my accomodative nature, my lack of discipline. Selfishly I just wanna be straightforward, I wish I could be someone who would really just say what I want when I want it, and if I get rejected of it, then so be it. I'd be cool with it.

Isn't it easier when we just say what we want, instead of having to guess one another's thoughts and feelings all day long? Or, for example, to just say I love you when you do feel it, instead of keeping it in and causing so much distress for yourself. I've seen too much of that around.. And isn't it easy if you just say, "I feel horrible, I feel sad, I feel like shit" when you do? To strip ourselves bare and present the most raw parts of us to the world -- instead of the facades, the masks, the pretenses we put up everyday.

Screw social norms, I seriously hate them.

Back and forth

Okay hiii, been a while since I've updated huh? Haha somehow, I only update when my mood is a less than or equal to neutral.. So yeah. Idk why I felt, should I say lonely (?), all of a sudden just now. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it was the atmosphere of seeing the sun set and sky darken while feeling insignificant.

Really, is the future all we're supposed to work for in life? To me, it just seems like a never ending chase, always having to run for something better, something bigger. It really has become a flout of society's rules to be content. I don't care about victory, about achievements, about all that, really. The times I care, they're mere sparks which shine so bright for a while and extinguish mere instants later. Call me a good-for-nothing, but is being content a sin? Screw rules, screw norms, screw expectations, they have screwed me up all my life.

On the other hand.., recently I realized that during down times, listening to sad songs gives me some solace and maybe comfort that someone else understands my pain. Meanwhile, during happy times, it doesn't actually dampen my mood, but it helps me reflect and not get caught up in my joy and ecstasy instead. Haha, maybe it helps in making me more rational and cool-headed? Hopefully.

Hectic week next week. One week to Adivs.

C

One hundredth post of which at least half are irritatingly depressing, yay.

Haha just wanted to say, I thought of something random today:
"I'd love anyone who knew and yet accepted, this miserable excuse of a human I am"

Hah alright, gotta work hard on complex numbers. Bye!

Drink driving

I open my eyes
I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
I'm lying here tonight

And I can't stand the pain
And I can't make it go away
No I can't stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I'm slipping off the edge
I'm hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can't explain what happened
And I can't erase the things that I've done
No I can't

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes
Got no where to run
The night goes on
As I'm fading away
I'm sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

-

It's April's Fool Day today, and I once told somebody that I was going to smile through the pain, till the pain subsides and fades, and my smile is from the heart again. With that in mind, I made use of this day, and I laughed and played, joked and fooled around, just like the old times back in my childhood. But well, I guess all good things come to an end though, I still have to face reality eventually.

And the smiles cease when I unmask myself to discover yet again how crippled and crushed I am inside. When can I finally, again, experience what a heartfelt smile feels like on my face?

Reminiscence?

The day you let go and you realize you've never had anything to hold on to in the first place.

I once experienced that before, and it's pretty painful. Thanks to an awesome recommendation, I found this song which gives me the sense of nostalgia. But nope, I don't feel what the song says, it's just that I once did? Idk how to explain. On a sidenote, it's catchy. So yup! I shall recommend this to everyone too, anyone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2i1sQh8WxrY

Kk time to sleep, night~!

My fears

"When we arrive at eternity's shore, where death is just a memory and tears are no more."
Saw this tweeted by Shiqi, it's lyrics to a praise song. I think this is really well written, cause when I read it (even without knowing the song), I felt like, ..this light feeling inside of me. I wish I'll be able to truly comprehend this sentence one day by experiencing it for myself, but then again, I've drifted from my Christian beliefs so much that I wonder if I have that privilege.. Inside of me, I think there're these silent pleas praying I do have the privilege, and that this privilege comes as soon as possible.

Which should explain why I keep hoping that the end is coming. Somehow, when the news of Japan being hit by an earthquake and tsunami came, other than being struck by worry for my parents who went on a cruise, I actually got a glimmer of hope that a tsunami could come and sweep everything that I have now away, even if it included my life. But if not, all that I wanted, and still want now, is just for my life to become a blank sheet of paper again, cause the piece I possess now is marked with too many mistakes that just can't be erased already.

Yup and that's why I titled my post 'My fears', cause I realized, I'm not very afraid of death and its companions.. Ghosts, or whatever. There's of course the fear which was instilled in me just like any other kid since young, but my amount is negligible as compared to others. What I'm scared of, is living. More specifically, living like a failure, a burden, a good-for-nothing. It haunts me everyday how there's nothing really exceptional about me. Especially today, during our math block test. For once in my JC life, I walked into the exam hall actually feeling prepared, and yet I ended up crushed and defeated again. That feeling which just overcomes you when -- you read the first question, uncap your pen and prepare to start writing, then realization hits you -- you know nothing of the answers. It's insanely suffocating, yet I pressed on, believing that there was bound to be something I could do. I was right, but with half the time passed and there was only ONE of that something which I could find, fear struck me again.

How many people around me probably found multiple of my 'something's already? When Adrian Tan's marking happily, and he sees my script, he's going to flip. My mom's going to get notified, then Ms Gopal's gonna have a chance to complain to her, and I won't be able to escape the permanent seat reserved just for me in the first row where teachers constantly peer down at those assignments I barely attempted cause most attempts were futile. I'll be finding my name on every namelist for extra classes, which suck what little motivation I have for school out of me. Ends up I might stop doing everything altogether, and have to repeat an extra year. Awesome chain of events huh? I truly admit, it all started and worsened cause of me. One flaw about me is that I prefer escape over all other solutions, running away from my problems instead of solving them. I've done this my whole life, and I really can't break out of the already instinctual habit.. So everything snowballs, and before I know it, I'm fleeing from things now more than I've ever did.

I hate being a failure. I really do. But everytime I try to do something about it... I fail, again.

-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwXCmzwKdMo&feature=related

I lost myself listening to this.
Memory - Younha ft. Tablo

/edit Ahh, this one too, if you're fine with rap.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_IB4eWBqVyk&feature=related
Pieces of You - Epik High

Should I?

I should have realized that everyone acts the way we do cause we're all breaking on the inside

Maybe I should attempt to be the sober one, to patch everyone up to the way we used to be -- the happy bunch of us laughing and smiling without a care in the world. I don't know where to start, but I'll try to find a way. A way to make us all whole again, even if I do lose a part of myself in the process. The part called benefits.

/I honestly don't know where to start though.

Anonymity

Hmm, shall blog a bit before I get to studying! Gonna go camp at Macs, owell. Anyway, my legs feel better now, thankfully. Or I'd be in a bad mood, which, is not the case now. (:

I thought a bit about what I really wanna do, and I swear I'm confused. The university websites are freaking hard to navigate cause Idk what the terms are for the stuff I wanna find, and yeah, this sucks. I was thinking maybe I can do something regarding media and whatever? So, what does that come down to? Media like, being a journalist, or being a backstage crew like a producer or director, or, editor for a magazine, kinda stuff. Seriously mind-boggling. But ah whatever.

Ahhhh so upsetting. I have no direction in life, I'm just wandering aimlessly. What a 'great' life. Like Ms Hazel said, our batch only looks at short term goals.. Like me. Sian.

Lesson learnt

Just ended floorball camp today, and I guess it was a mixed experience.. Hmm, I had my share of laughter, contentment, anger, and disappointment. But as long as everyone learnt something from this camp, I feel that our camp's a success (: Sure, slipups and whatever here and there, but like someone once told me, as long as the end product's good, they all get negated. So, yep, shall just stick to that! ^^

But today, we had a friendly, and I was seriously.... Frustrated beyond description. I hate my legs for failing on me when I need them, and I wanted to just run away and hide, but I didn't. And I didn't score any goals, nor do anything well. Like coach said, there's no excuse. No excuse for my failure.

It's the holidays now, and 7 days to block tests! I seriously need to hole up somewhere and concentrate. Okay, tired. Bye!

What good does a lifebuoy do when all is at peace?

Okay, shall type a long post to get whatever is inside of me off my chest. Been wanting to blog the whole week, but promised myself not to use the computer, so I didn't. Right now, I'm forsaking my time for math to blog, and I feel kinda guilty..

Nevermind, an even better reason for me to go straight home after the floorball 3on3 tomorrow.

Today, I did something that I haven't done in a long time. I.. lost control of my emotions. I honestly feel that I can control my emotions very well, esp. disappointment and anger. (well, I find no need to keep happiness/excitement in check) So yeah, today I was kind of ashamed of myself. But despite my mind telling me to stop, no, my heart just can't do otherwise.

Sorry about it, I guess I eventually had to release my pent up frustration, I'm flesh and bone afterall, despite how much I force myself to be a robot most of the time nowadays.

Hmm, I've said it before, and I shall say it again. My blog's the only outlet I have for.. emotional release. And I'm sorry if it bores you, hah.

-

By the way, we got back our A'level results yesterday (chinese for us), and.. I'm kind of motivated to work harder for myself. I've sacrificed so much and wasted so much, it's time I put in the last element called discipline, to reap the fruits of labour.

"She finally has all of them in their proper place — which is basically anywhere that’s not in her heart." - after the fall (but before the rise)

Not supposed to be

I couldn't tell you,
Why she felt that way, she felt it everyday

-

Yes I'm on the computer, but restrained usage. Forgive me, had to do a bit of research for econs.

Hmm!

I had a surprisingly enjoyable day today, IGNORING Pe when I got lectured, math lecture when I fell asleep, Econs when I didn't do my case study, break when we got scammed by the malay stall, H1 when I didn't bring my lect notes and didn't understand a single thing, Math when I listened to the lunatic teach, and ELL when I felt substandard as usual. <--- Haha this is my entire timetable, LOLOLOLOLOL. I didn't mention, training when I had a horrible time and my time of the month came, dinner when the lunatic bothered me again, and the university dialogue session which almost freezed my fingers off and bored my brain out of my head.

But yea, despite all that, I had an enjoyable day. Hahaha seriously. I think sometimes little things cheer me up, and I'm thankful for that. ALL my friends who never stop giving me encouragement, and making a smile light up on my face. <3 These are enough to negate whatever lousy stuff which screw up my life.

Which, well.. Kind of worsens the guilt inside of me regarding the previous post. Ah, good things never last, do they?

Love?

It's times like these when I seriously feel inhuman. Do I seriously know what love is? Any type of love, I mean. It all seems to be, implanted? in me, through education from birth. Or was I supposed to be taught to love?

Okay, don't read this if you think I'm going crazy, seriously. Sorry for wasting 10 seconds of yours on the previous sentences.

If you want to though, bear with me. Maybe it's the guilt, maybe it's the time now (I'm the only awake soul in the house), or maybe it's the stress. Guilt cause of so many things I've done, which.. I know I mentioned never to feel regret in the previous blogpost, but I find myself flouting what I say every single day. I never adhere to rules. Be it school rules, societal rules, or my own, I screw them every single day. And I hate myself for that. Why do I change so unpredictably? I never stay the same.

Love. My logic and whatever I've seen since I could think, be it fiction or non-fiction, tells me many people's (never all, cause I'm not one of them already) love doesn't change. They stay 'loyal', they stay faithful. I don't. My heart changes so easily, and it's not within my control. It scares me so bad.. I'm the kind who never loves for long, and this makes me so afraid to love at times as I consider my actions. It's real, I'm not afraid to admit this to anyone who may be reading this now: I might get sick of you, soon. I'm really sorry, but.. I don't know why, either. I detest myself so much for this..

Who's the longest close friend I've had? I don't think I've one. Is there any band/artiste I've stuck with since a long time ago? No. Any crushes - or even more sometimes - which have become real? No.

Even the one time I thought I loved with my life, I later found out that I never loved at all. I think it was just my mind.

Haha, wow. I remember joking the other day over how I would be able to get married, and not get a divorce. Now that I consider it seriously, that threat is for real. I don't think I'd be able to. And I always imagined having a friend who would be with me as we grew up, but no, I don't think it'd be possible.

I'm now feeling quite scared to post this, but.. These are the thoughts which run through my mind, and I feel the responsibility to let those who want to know find out. It's a warning, I guess?

I mean it everytime I say I like being a loner. Cause, a part of me tells me, that's the only way I won't hurt everyone else.

On top of this, there's nothing special about me. Academically, talent-wise, whatever. Okay, yes fine, I'm in a JC. But since the people I'm comparing against right now, would naturally be the other available people around me, then yes - I suck academically. Talent? What, sports? There are so many better sports people than me. Or I'd be in the volleyball team or smth now, winning trophies for the school. Looks? Haha not even worth mentioning. And what, as a friend? I admit, I find myself an awfully good friend at the start, but it usually runs out eventually.. I find myself scared of seeing that come, and it makes me put even more into the friendship from the very start. So, might as well make some other worthy friend rather than me, k?

I'm such a lousy daughter, student, friend right now. I don't help with housework, I don't turn up for lessons, I don't do my schoolwork, I don't talk much anymore.


Okay I think I'm going to go on forever, and I ..don't wanna cry. If you're thinking that I'm being dramatic over here, you're most welcome to never visit my blog again.

You didn't have to know all this.

My Heaven

Baby Good Night - G-Dragon & TOP
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRJ4IzpfVUs

^ GD is my ideal boyfriend in this MV!!! And TOP looks plain weird, hmm.

Because Of You - After School
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmdeKzLlS8w&feature=related

-

Anyway, been a while since I've updated properly. The past few weeks have been pretty cruel to me, and I'm quite tired. But nevermind, I'm thankfully back on track with schoolwork, as in I don't owe anything or whatever (unlike every single time last time), but, I guess I paid a heavy price for that. I skipped quite a lot of school, and now I'm in trouble with almost every single teacher. I'm glad it's not ALL the teachers, so yeah.. Tomorrow there's one more confrontation to face, and I pray I can pull through safely. Then I'll be fine.

A'Levels are nearing, and I really need to study. Math and Chem.. I don't know how to face them. How? They scare me like mad.

And thanks to this period of 'isolation', I've decided on some things. I guess one undefined moral that I live by, is to never regret my decisions. I don't follow it sometimes I know, but it really depends on the circumstances. That's why I said 'undefined'. Anyw, I believe strongly in that cause I think, whenever I make a decision, at that point of time, I'd make sure that it was the best choice possible. If it turns out not to be the best, well too bad, it's not like I could foresee the future. So yeah, why waste my time regretting? I think I'll hold true to it, this time too.

Hah cryptic much? Anyway everyone, work hard! I'll be too (:

Isolation

I'm not a good friend to anyone anymore. I'm absorbed in my own world, blindly chasing after what the world tells me to go after. Grades, achievements, a future.

I just hope after this ends, I can still salvage the situation. But then again, will it ever end?

Just.. remove me from the face of this planet, please?

Alterations

Hmm, I'm honestly not the same girl you knew last December. Better or worse? Idk. Just a shift in mindset and priorities.

Those three words.

Haha highly random thought.

You know those three words, "I love you"? I think it's not what it means to you (when someone tells it to you) that matters, but what it means to the sayer, that matters most.

Some people think saying Ily rarely makes it more meaningful.
Some people think saying it all the time is better, cause once is never enough to express it.

Mm, Idk how to state my point. School reopening tomorrow, night!

CNY! (:

Happy Chinese New Year everyone! ;) Haha okay one day late but it's okay right. And, this isn't gonna be a happy post or whatever, so heck lah!

Haha, watched Shaolin (the Andy Lau movie) today and cried like hell. Seriously, why do I keep crying recently?! Ohyea, forgot to mention, Orientation 2011 is overrr! Mentioned this cause on the last day of orientation, I almost cried at one point. It was when my group (Taylor 2 <3) cheered without us prompting them for the first time. I mean, not at the station or whatever (for points those type), but in the hall when cheering was merely out of enjoyment and excitement. When I heard them scream (maybe only a few did, but ah it was loud enough for me to mistake it as a whole group so Idc), I felt touched and the feelings just pulsated in me. And maybe.. I felt really really proud? Seriously. I know everything has ended and the bonds we have forged may just fade away soon, but the memories stay in my heart always. I'll never forget that feeling. So yup, I really hope every single one of them enjoys Nanyang as much as I did and do, cause that would mean enjoying Nanyang A LOT.

Mm, back to the Shaolin movie, in the first half of the movie I already cried. Not teared, but cried. The tears just started flowing from me, I don't know why it was so serious though. Maybe I could associate with that feeling of loss? Haha, or the movie is just really awesome lah.

Mom's in Msia for CNY with relatives, so these few days, I've a chance to brood over things. That's not very good huh? But I feel like it nonetheless. Chyeah, who cares bout homework.

Cherish this short-lived holiday everyone, seriously. Vday soon! ^^

Organized clutter

又来到这个港口

没有原因的拘留
我的心乘着斑剥的轻舟
寻找失落的沙洲

随时间的海浪漂流
我用力张开双手
拥抱那么多起起落落
想念的还是你望着我的眼波

我不是一定要你回来
只是当又一个人看海
回头才发现你不在
留下我迂回的徘徊
我不是一定要你回来
只是当又把回忆翻开
除了你之外的空白
还有谁能来教我爱

又回到这个尽头我也想再往前走
只是越看见海阔天空
越遗憾没有你分享我的感动

我不是一定要你回来
只是当又一个人看海
回头才发现你不在
留下我迂回的徘徊
我不是一定要你回来
只是当又把回忆翻开
除了你之外的空白
还有谁能来教我爱

我不是一定要你回来
只是当又一个人看海
疲惫的身影不是我
不是你想看见的我
我不是一定要你回来
只是当独自走入人海
除了你之外的依赖
还有谁能教我勇敢

除了你之外的空白
还有谁能来教我爱

-

Spent around 4 hours packing my study table today, and a few drawers. I cleared three full bags of rubbish away, and... In those bags were lots of memories. Really, lots.

But it's okay, I left one untouched out of the many. Be it all, or only one, as long as they serve to remind, the quantity doesn't matter that much does it?

I should think so..

I'll watch from afar.

"I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being."

Norms

There are so many social rules we have to abide by; why can't we just live like we want to, so long as we don't hurt anybody else? I mean, seriously.....

But okay, today I've been in a good mood. (: Not excited I guess, but a pleasant and calm mood. I read a few fanfics online, and surprisingly they made me cry. I guess that's the explanation for my slightly more appeased mood today as compared to the previous days in this torturous period? I honestly don't know. But yeah, reading has become a hobby of mine now, and since books are kinda expensive, I'd rather read online. It's really addictive, and it takes me away from reality all the while I'm reading. Fight or flight again? Flight, for sure.

I'm not sure if they really were so well-written that I cried (the me of recent months has never cried from fiction) but yeah, I did. I'm definitely going to re-read them if I get the chance to. But also, I know I have the time to read them cause I'm now enjoying a guilty break from school.. Owell, cause OGLs don't have to go school for 4 days, and then after that is CNY break already. I'm going to miss this sinful period after it ends ): A'levels, I have to conquer you even though I don't care if I do or not. I'm just forced by circumstances..

Hai, screw it. Back to reading!

Eblouissant

"I have no more tears to cry, just like my bleeding heart, I am at my limit."

Okay, that is heartbreaking to the max..

Anyway, we had orientation today! As an OGL, I honestly find it quite fun at times, but seriously for the OGMs I think it's horrible. Cause most of them aren't enthusiastic.. Thought it was a first-day syndrome but TODAY'S THE SECOND DAY ALREADAYEEE ): So yeah, I seriously hope they open up enough on monday to have more fun, cause it seriously could be much, much more better. Taylorrrrrrrrr TWO! :D

Midnight-highness. Oh freak.

Fight or flight

Built a wall around my heart, never let it fall apart.

-

Had a stress talk today, and I henceforth conclude that I am TOTALLY a flight kind of person. Ohmahgah ): Fail. Tomorrow H1 I also never do anything for the tutorial, and IDK what to do at all. Litespeed can't let me download anything from H1 chem o.o'' GG.com. Prepare to get scolded tmrw. (but I don't feel like going ahhh)

Flight mode, bye.

Talking to yourself

Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne

I'm slowly falling behind again. Didn't do any homework yet, how do I survive tomorrow? Math integration, OH I did a bit of CS49 but well, it's only just a bit.

Man I told myself I didn't want to go out, and I should have stuck to it. Yesterday after I woke up, I just watched teevee for a bit, then I went for floorball outing and reached home at 1am. Today I woke up, had breakfast, then went for floorball meeting and then to celebrate Rui's birthday and I reached home at 10pm. And for friday night there was training and then we went NEX. Gahhhhhh burned my weekend..

Regret.

Two seconds

One day, I'll hold to a white gardenia gently tinged with pink
And place it in those unknowing hands of yours

And I arrive at the starting point again

The vicious cycle continuessss and tomorrow, I'm going to have to copy my math homework again ._.

-

Seriously, I immerse myself in fictional plots too easily. Stories, dramas. There are those moments when I suddenly think they're real, and then I snap back to reality. It's torturing me far too much )': It's a horrible distraction.
If only the stuff in lecture notes would do the same, then I swear I'd be on the honour roll.

P/s. Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard

Escape

I really want to run away, I really want to run away, I really need to run away, I really need to run away, I really need to run away, I really need to run away, I really need to run away, I really need to run away, I really need to run away, I really need to run away, I really need to run away, I really need to run away, I really need to run away, I really need to run away, I really need to run away, I really need to run away, I really need to run away, I really need to run away, I really need to run away, I really need to run away, I really need to run away, I really need to run away

Let's play pretend

Pretend - Lights

When you look perfectly happy to some, partially dejected to others, and yet really on the inside, you're crumbling into a billion pieces.

All I can do is....

You know, trying doesn't amount to succeeding.

I reached school half an hour early today just to print my ELL homework, but I forgot I didn't have my ezlink with me.
So after GP, I rannnn to the comp lab to print it. I seriously rushed. But, guess what. I tried logging in to the computer. Failed. Okay, so I moved to a second one. I logged in. Succeeded. Opened my workspace folder, opened my ELL homework files. "Windows cannot find an appropriate program to open the file." What? So I moved to a third one, and finally, FINALLY it succeeded. By then more than 5 mins had passed, and I was sure I was late. So I ran down to the venue, and I stepped in and apologized.

Mrs Lee wasn't happy, and she questioned me. I had no choice but to say that Ms Gopal released us late, which she did (a little only though). She said she would go verify it with her. I totally felt like I crumbled on the inside. I am so screwed up. So so so screwed up. If she really does ask Ms Gopal, I'm dead.

-

I really hate JC2. Right now, I honestly admit I want to retain. Yes, I know that one year later, I'll still have to face JC2. But my JC1 was like, wasted. I didn't pass anything. I don't want to flunk my A's the same way.
Oh right, I can "work harder now". But time waits for no man and I only have 24 hours in a day. How can I make up for a whole year of foundation? I'm already living two days in one; I wake up, go to school, come home, nap, wake up, work till late midnight, catch a few hours of sleep, and then wake up again. But how long can this last? It's only been two days and I'm already in a daze when I'm in school. Not that I'm tired, the sleep is surprisingly enough; but that I feel screwed. Who feels normal when their body clock's messed up like that? And tomorrow's there's floorball training. During the time when I've been sleeping the past two days. Oh great.

I told myself: this year, there's no place for friends, no place for fun, no place for leisure anymore. I'm just gonna be no life. But won't I break down?

I don't have so much energy to spare. I'm not the multitasking type either. There's no place for one when there's the other. It's 'having a life' VS. 'doing well in Alevels'. I mean, you might be thinking that there's definitely a balance between the two, somewhere right? But no, not for me. Cause I'm already lagging doubly behind as everyone else, and so this year I have to put in double the effort. Which means, sacrificing allll my play for work.

Unless I retain. I still have time to consider, you know?
Hah, OGL turned OGM. That'd be a joke, but I don't mind being a joke if it's good for me.

When it presents itself to you, take it gladly. Treasure the moments.
When it doesn't, be content, cause you have no alternative.

;\

Tomorrow's the first official 'schoolday'. Ahh, I seriously feel so ..depressed? Okay I think I'll describe it this way: I can feel the overwhelming sense of doom envelope me. I've never liked stress, no one does. But people don't understand how badly I hate it. My degree of detest for it as compared to other people is insane. If the average stress tolerance was like, 4~6 kinda value, mine would be around 10.

If school didn't have exams and learning+applying wasn't 'competitive', I would excel at it. But now, looking at the piece of assignment I have and thinking how well the other 7 ELL students are doing it; seriously turns me off like hell.

I wish I could stop comparing myself to others, but it's inevitable. We always talk about how we should just be doing our personal best and whatever, but it's a cruel and realistic world out there. Who cares a blah about your personal best when there's another better.

So yeah, I hate it. I hate competition. And I admit it, I hate learning; the society made me this way.

Change

Now Playing: Cry - MBLAQ

Change is gradual. It doesn't happen overnight.
True. This applies to a lot of things, doesn't it?

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How many times have you read that well written text, or seen that well taken photo; and wished that you were as talented as the author?
Well, countless for me definitely. I came across this tumblr photo quote:

Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground.

Man, seriously, it's just a simple sentence. No chim vocab, even a kid who just learnt his English could understand it. But the meaning behind it is... well, sophisticated, I would say. Haha I think maybe it just hit the nail, that's why I have the special feeling. But, ah well.

Today we had our friendly against Bukit Merah Sec! Ohman, kena thrashed. But seriously, I don't feel anything. I expected it long ago. And observation of year 2011: I've lost many things about me.
How do I put it? I've lost my patience, for one. I've lost my passion about certain things. But there are some good things too. I've lost my... uh, sensitivity. As in the kind where I'm sensitive about things. I can still safely say that I'm still sensitive towards people's feelings, yeah. Anyway yah, so yesterday and today, I totally didn't feel nervous AT ALL. Like even when we were about to go on court with only three attackers and Angel asked me which two of us would go first, I didn't exactly.... care. Not that I heck care the match. I guess it's like, my head has total control over my heart regarding this match, cause my head's telling me that there's nothing to be afraid about and that I should just play my best then can already. And my heart's like, "Yeah, totally."

Odd~ But there are still stuff my mind has no control over. Well, that's something I wish I could control too. Zhiqing ah..

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I can't imagine how you'll feel when you see that.. Angry, depressed, hurt, or heartbroken? Or... all?

Letting go has never been easy. It stabs at you like a knife, suffocates you like an empty oxygen tank. That's why it's difficult to do.

I really hope it doesn't affect you too much, yeah?

Trying

Haha I'm only here cause I'm waiting for my video to load (oops). But okay anyway, there's training tomorrow! And I guess I should really quickly go sleep cause one of my new year resolutions is to NOT BE LATE and another one is to work hard for floorball. So yeahhhh, soon soon.

Anyway, floorball chalet ended yesterday! It was not bad. Haha there were certain times when we were just awfully sianded out, but there were times where we talked and bonded too. So yeah, I wouldn't say it's a failure. Haha it's a $30 3D2N holiday lol :p Hmmm Idk what to say about it, there weren't particularly any highlights for me. Oh! Maybe when we played the Bang bang game. Fun! (Y) Hmm, hope our friendship will last beyond this chalet. Really got to know some of the guys more and it's all good. And I really had fun with the girls ^^

And, I gotta finish up my homework SOON. 3 days to end of holidays )': Well all good things come to an end, and I shall just treat the school term as something good too. I really hope I can do well (and I really don't wanna U-turn).. So yeah, jiayou! To myself, and to everyone out there.

You have only one life, treasure it, never stop learning (no matter how hard it gets at times) and laugh and cry to your heart's desire! Haha cheesy but I think it's true ah. Yup, bye everyone! Have a good and fruitful 2011. (: